How to deal with current wife and boyfriend?

[Myasylum]

Hello,

 

I'm having a really hard time with this.

 

We've only been in separate houses 3 weeks, and we are still married. Aready she is bringing the guy she cheated on me with around the children.

 

She even ask one of my son's how he would feel if she were to get remarried. He's 15.

 

She's lost all sense of morals, and truly cares about nothing but herself, and though the opportunity hasn't arrived yet, I'm sure she will have no problem throwing this in my face. After all she thinks I somehow deserve this.

 

I've been finding myself getting more and more angry, and I fear as to what may happen if I see them together. I can't even imagine.

 

I understand life can be cruel and unfair, but man? This takes it to a whole new level.

 

How do I cope?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Hello,

 

I'm having a really hard time with this.

 

We've only been in separate houses 3 weeks, and we are still married. Aready she is bringing the guy she cheated on me with around the children.

 

She even ask one of my son's how he would feel if she were to get remarried. He's 15.

 

She's lost all sense of morals, and truly cares about nothing but herself, and though the opportunity hasn't arrived yet, I'm sure she will have no problem throwing this in my face. After all she thinks I somehow deserve this.

 

I've been finding myself getting more and more angry, and I fear as to what may happen if I see them together. I can't even imagine.

 

I understand life can be cruel and unfair, but man? This takes it to a whole new level.

 

How do I cope?

 

Ugh! Sorry you're dealing with that, and sorry your kids are, too! Totally unacceptable . My only advice is to just be the bigger person. It won't be easy .

[d0nnivain]

You get some therapy & a good lawyer. Do not treat your lawyer like your therapist.

 

I'd be annoyed too but you really have to do what's best for the kids. At 15 your son gets some input about where he wants to live. Open your house to him.

[Myasylum]

I know I'm suppose to be doing this no contact thing, but I almost telling her how I "feel" about this matter, and to keep him away.

 

My concern is she's not going to care anyway, but maybe whatever heart she has left she may at least understand that.

 

However... then I'm contacting her, you know?

 

Yes, she's turned to the Dark Side. This whole thing just blows me away!

[d0nnivain]

You have children. You are denied the luxury of NC. You must talk to your EX about the kids.

 

You don't talk to her about anything else.

[Marc878]

Talk will get you nowhere at this time except frustration and will only reinforce her resolve and maybe even bond them closer together.

 

If you haven't exposed you should do so. You're kids are olde enough to know what's going on. At their age you may even get full custody. They maybe at the age to have a say on who they live with.

 

Get to an attorney and file. Your actions are the only thing that count. Talk is worthless. Separate your finances, cancel all joint credit cards, etc. protect yourself.

 

No contact except texts or email kids and business only and keep that short. Never answer her phone calls direct. If it's not about kids or business. "NO RESPONSE". Most can't do it and just keep themselves in a vicious circle. It's you're only way out.

 

Better wake up to your reality and take control of you and your life. You can't make her do anything.

 

Do not wait around letting her make all the decisions. No weak behavior!!!!!

[Marc878]

Read up

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Knowledge is power and you need to take control of yourself. No one is going to help you. You'll have to do it.

 

Get to an attorney yesterday. You stay in paralysis it'll only make it worse.

 

Don't make the mistake of helping them hide the affair.

[Marc878]

A lot come here get good advice and don't follow it for whatever reason. They end up living in the victim mode wallowing in limbo hell. The only one that can keep you where you are right now is YOU.

 

Your goal is get out of the infidelity as fast as possible.

[Myasylum]

I really do appreciate the post!

 

A lot of this seems easier said then done.

 

I will defiantly make a huge effort in everything that has been suggested.

 

I am just in an emotional angry mode right now, and finding it hard to pull out of.

 

I almost want to talk to the guy, and find out what lies she's telling him... but?? Maybe that's something they'll have to deal with themselves. They are in fantasy land.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions!

[Marc878]

I really do appreciate the post!

 

A lot of this seems easier said then done.

 

I will defiantly make a huge effort in everything that has been suggested.

 

I am just in an emotional angry mode right now, and finding it hard to pull out of.

 

I almost want to talk to the guy, and find out what lies she's telling him... but?? Maybe that's something they'll have to deal with themselves. They are in fantasy land.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions!

 

You are powerless at this time. He knows she's married and has kids. Your wife knows exactly what she's doing. You don't want to believe she'd do this. I got news for you. This is who she is. She's telling you and showing you. If you're smart you'll believe it. Quit projecting your love and feelings onto her. That's not what she thinks about you right now.

 

My friend they don't care. Your words are meaningless.

 

The only effective thing you can do is full exposure to what's going on. Her/his family, friends etc. without warning!!!! All at once. There is not much else you can do but you'd better understand the power of no contact.

 

Just because you have kids doesn't mean you can't do this. Your kids are older so you won't need to have much engagement with her. Texts/email only.

 

Get out of the I have to communicate whenever. You don't!!!!!

[Marc878]

Your wife is nothing special. She's just a very typical lying cheater. This happens all the time. They all follow a similar pattern. You must take yourself out of the equation. If you don't you'll lay in this limbo hell Youre in until you do.

 

At this time she doesn't give a damn about you, your kids. Nothing matters except her affair.

 

Nothing can happen unless the affair ends.

 

Exposure wisely done is all you've got.

 

Many talk, talk, talk and talk. You can't nice them back or play the "pick me dance", begging, pleading, crying just makes you look weak and pathetic while her other man stands tall.

 

I hope you wake up to where you are because only then will you be able to take the actions you need to get out of this.

 

Actions not words

[d0nnivain]

Do not talk to the other guy. That won't end well.

 

 

Do speak to your children. Assure them that you love them. Focus on what is in their best interests.

 

 

Get yourself a healthy outlet, which is why I suggested therapy.

[Fever of love]

I really do appreciate the post!

 

A lot of this seems easier said then done.

 

I will defiantly make a huge effort in everything that has been suggested.

 

I am just in an emotional angry mode right now, and finding it hard to pull out of.

 

I almost want to talk to the guy, and find out what lies she's telling him... but?? Maybe that's something they'll have to deal with themselves. They are in fantasy land.

 

Thanks for all the suggestions!

 

 

I got a similar situation. No kids, but gf of 2 years moves out with no real warning or explanation, but everything I ever done is bad and/or wrong- then starts to introduce the idea that shes 'dating' a month later.

 

Course everybody on the forum got me convinced, probbly rightly, that this guy been sniffing round since before the separation.

 

Now call me old fashioned- but this breaks 'the code.' Men dont do this sh*t, because when yo steal a mans wife, you destroy his life. Ladies, are hormonally led, and if this 'guy' wasn't around whispering in her ear, she wold still be here.

 

So what I'm wondering is- is it worth 'having a word' with these 'men', and telling them gtfo?

[Marc878]

Join a gym. Work out your frustration here. Get into the best shape of your life.

 

You can't think of two things at the same time. Find and outlet to help you through this.

 

Waking or running is hood too.

 

Your kids are going through this as well. Think of things you can do together.

 

Go to movies. Go to the gym together. Use this time wisely and bond with them.

 

At their age they can probably choos to live with you. Don't lie air try and hide this from them. Make sure they understand this has nothing to do with them. Kids sometimes try and blame themselves. Don't let that happen.

[Marc878]

I got a similar situation. No kids, but gf of 2 years moves out with no real warning or explanation, but everything I ever done is bad and/or wrong- then starts to introduce the idea that shes 'dating' a month later.

 

Course everybody on the forum got me convinced, probbly rightly, that this guy been sniffing round since before the separation.

 

Now call me old fashioned- but this breaks 'the code.' Men dont do this sh*t, because when yo steal a mans wife, you destroy his life. Ladies, are hormonally led, and if this 'guy' wasn't around whispering in her ear, she wold still be here.

 

So what I'm wondering is- is it worth 'having a word' with these 'men', and telling them gtfo?

 

The other man is just taking what he's being given.

 

Do you really want to ask the other guy to stop screwing your girlfriend ???? She's the culprit. Don't waste your time.

 

Makes you look weak and foolish. I'm sure they'd both get a good laugh at your expense.

[d0nnivain]

Now call me old fashioned- but this breaks 'the code.' Men dont do this sh*t, because when yo steal a mans wife, you destroy his life. Ladies, are hormonally led, and if this 'guy' wasn't around whispering in her ear, she wold still be here.

 

So what I'm wondering is- is it worth 'having a word' with these 'men', and telling them gtfo?

 

 

Having a word with the other guy won't bring your EX back. It's not his fault SHE cheated. She is a grown adult who is competent to make her own decisions. She may be amoral, but that doesn't make her some simpleton who gets led astray by some guy. She chose to cheat. Even if he wasn't around, that doesn't mean she'd come back to you.

 

 

Why would you bother telling the other guy to "gtfo"? Even if your EXs comes back to you, what have you really gotten -- a lying, cheater, who wants to be with someone else more then you? Who wants that?

[Myasylum]

I've thought that same thing... the guy kind of broke the "man" code.

He's got to be quite the loser himself....

 

Maybe they do belong miserably together?

 

I'm not so sure on you'd expose thing?

 

I get it, but it also seems revenge like.

 

I'm on the fence with that one.

 

I mean you could take that as far as exposing to the world on Facebook.

[Marc878]

Having a word with the other guy won't bring your EX back. It's not his fault SHE cheated. She is a grown adult who is competent to make her own decisions. She may be amoral, but that doesn't make her some simpleton who gets led astray by some guy. She chose to cheat. Even if he wasn't around, that doesn't mean she'd come back to you.

 

 

Why would you bother telling the other guy to "gtfo"? Even if your EXs comes back to you, what have you really gotten -- a lying, cheater, who wants to be with someone else more then you? Who wants that?

 

Exactly. Both of you need to wake up to the reality of who these women really are.

[Marc878]

I've thought that same thing... the guy kind of broke the "man" code.

He's got to be quite the loser himself....

 

Maybe they do belong miserably together?

 

I'm not so sure on you'd expose thing?

 

I get it, but it also seems revenge like.

 

I'm on the fence with that one.

 

I mean you could take that as far as exposing to the world on Facebook.

 

If you want to try and save the marriage exposure is all you've got. No work on the marriage can happen as long as that goes on.

 

Look man, they are going to destroy you, your life and family as you now know it and you're worried about it might look like revenge? Really?

 

Revenge is taking action or giving consequences for those who have or are going to do you harm.

 

If someone is breaking into your home to harm you and your kids what would you do?

 

I got news for you. Financially you are going to get your world turned upside down here. Maybe see your kids 50% of the time while your wife and her boyfriend have them the other 50% and you'll get stuck paying them child support and maybe alimony. They'll also get 50% of your total assets including pension, house vehicles, etc. I'm sure they'll enjoy having a good time with those $'s.

 

And you're worried about it may look like revenge????

 

Man, you'd better wake up!!!!!

Edited September 11, 2017 by Marc878

[Myasylum]

Well... I'm also always told to be the better person, so to me exposing doesn't make me the better person.

 

Like I say, if I did that I may as well go on Facebook and make the announcement to the world.

 

That's my opinion for now, however that doesn't mean that won't change

[AMarriedMan]

I got a similar situation. No kids, but gf of 2 years moves out with no real warning or explanation, but everything I ever done is bad and/or wrong- then starts to introduce the idea that shes 'dating' a month later.

 

Course everybody on the forum got me convinced, probbly rightly, that this guy been sniffing round since before the separation.

 

Now call me old fashioned- but this breaks 'the code.' Men dont do this sh*t, because when yo steal a mans wife, you destroy his life. Ladies, are hormonally led, and if this 'guy' wasn't around whispering in her ear, she wold still be here.

 

So what I'm wondering is- is it worth 'having a word' with these 'men', and telling them gtfo?

 

I don't think so. Both are cheaters who have made choices and are responsible for them.

 

Men can be idiots led by hormones, too. A neighbor of ours is a divorced mother of three, one from a marriage in her youth and two from her second marriage. When she moved out of the house she and her husband owned, one of their neighbors who continues to own the house next to their former home started visiting her and the children. The father of the youngest two of her children lives near and he would visit the kids often as well. The two men seemed to get along fine. I once even saw all six of them have dinner together. Then, suddenly, a couple of months ago, her boyfriend disappeared and a new guy appeared. At first, I mistook him for a new neighbor but it was soon confirmed that he was a new boyfriend. Our neighbor's men have always done much to help her in many situations. She recruited even boyfriend #1's parents to help her with a major renovation project this summer just before he was dumped for BF #2. What I think I'm witnessing are the actions of a serial cheater and a homewrecker. As a neighbor she is friendly and helpful but as a partner she is completely amoral. Partly thanks to her, boyfriend #1 lost his family and ended up alone after a couple of years with our neighbor. We'll see how long boyfriend #2 will last.

[Marc878]

Well... I'm also always told to be the better person, so to me exposing doesn't make me the better person.

 

Like I say, if I did that I may as well go on Facebook and make the announcement to the world.

 

That's my opinion for now, however that doesn't mean that won't change

 

Being a better person doesn't mean helping them hide their affair.

 

The truth fixes a lot of things.

 

You don't go on Facebook. You target a selected group and send a tactful message as to what's going on.

 

However, like a lot it's your life do as you please. You are the one that gets to take the hit.

 

Your biggest enemy at this time is fear and weakness. Better take control of this situation because she sure has.

[Marc878]

Most betrayed spouses in these situations are affraid of making them mad or pushing them further away.

 

Exposure maybe the only way to bring them back.

 

Affairs for the most part operate best in the secret and dark.

 

If you shine a bright light on it they often end.

 

I wouldn't worry about pushing her farther away as she's already gone.

[Myasylum]

Another problem with exposure is, if the guy is amoral odds are the whole family is, and they could just say... "so? Not my problem". Or, "Well you obviously can't treat your woman right, what does what do you expect?"

 

So the exposure could be worthless.

 

Never know I suppose.

[stillafool]

If you want to try and save the marriage exposure is all you've got. No work on the marriage can happen as long as that goes on.

 

 

My goodness I hope he doesn't want this woman back after she has disrespected him this way. Do you OP?