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Wife cheated after 18 years...


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 4th September 2017, 11:05 AM   #16
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I also told her... I don't know what your rushing this divorce through for? You must have something crawling out of the woodwork when this is over?!
She exploded on me! Diverting it to something how she told me a long time ago if we ever were divorcee she wasn't going to waste any more time.
I said, well that's fine and dandy. That still don't mean somethings not going to be crawling out of the woodwork soon.
She didn't respond.

I can't even imagine being with someone else right now and dragging them though all this... yet look at her! Blows my mind.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:05 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
It's very common and many of us have experienced it. A later phase will have her wanting to be buddy buddy with you and wondering why you can't just be friends. All of this requires a tremendous amount of denial on her part.
Yep. I can confirm this.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:08 AM   #18
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This "friends" thing, you would recomend though being a bad idea?
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:11 AM   #19
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This "friends" thing, you would recomend though being a bad idea?
Ooohhh yeah. That's a painfully bad idea. Don't even get me (or anyone else on the board for that matter) started on how bad that idea actually is.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:29 AM   #20
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This guilt thing must run pretty damn deep for them not to only change thier entire lives, but change there entire personality as well.
All the rationalizing, and lying to themselves and others would have to do had to come back at some point. However my wife had the luck of the Irish, so I don't expect much there.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:33 AM   #21
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better lawyer up. Get the best settlement you can.

Look out for yourself.
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Old 4th September 2017, 11:37 AM   #22
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Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce

Read up. Unfortunatey this is just another typical cheating wife story.

It's unique to you but they all follow the same pattern
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Old 4th September 2017, 10:08 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Myasylum View Post
So...
After 18 years, my wife cheats on me.
Of course deny deny deny... I even have proof, but I can't tell her everything in case it's needed down the road.
Seemed like a few times she almost admitted it, but it was like she's just suddenly shake it off, and be like no I never have and said I was imagining things. Almost made me believe her for a second there.
Then she files divorce, won't look at me won't talk to me. Is suddenly bad mouthing me to anyone who will listen, and I'm just sitting here going... huh?
Now I realize I'm not prefect but geez?! She cheats on me and seems to make sound like I deserved it cuz I'm so terrible.
The sick part on my end is that I still have dreams about her that haunt me and I still want her back. I really shouldn't.
She won't talk to me, because I'm so terrible.
And if she has to talk to me, she just rips me to shreds, and she's sick of arguing with me... all I do is ask a question, and suddenly it's a argument.
I find myself starting a text to send her, just stating that I'm sorry for everything, but then I realize she probably doesn't care anyway, so I delete it. It's been 7 days now and no word. Recieved my papers, and nothing about no contact, but I guess it seems best. I know the other guy is around because my 15 year old told me so. (My imagination right?)
I have a 15 year old and a 18 year old.
I swear this is a different person than the person I was married too. It's really depressing to me, but for her it seems she's already moved on, so she feels nothing.
Seems she, just didn't just cheat on me, but it seems she's cheating life by avoiding any grieving what so ever.
Any advice?



OP, I am sorry you are going thru this. I am going thru the same EXACT same situation. Married 18 years, my W went out with a MM co-worker on "day dates" & now we are in the middle of divorce.....my W is spitting image of your W. My W will not talk to me, look at me, bad mouths me, etc...., because she IS GUILTY, trying to make me feel bad to make herself feel better.

I agree with your post, If the married man did not come around, or if my W held true to her Vows, her commitment to marriage, she would have not let MM near her heart & we would still be best friends, still be married raising kids and a being a family.

I feel the same way, (about how you stated your W is not same woman you married), as I do not know who my STBX W is either, after 22 years together, 18 being married. It is like a "switch" flipped inside of her. She won't go to marriage counseling, see a pastor, or any type of marriage retreat.

Many woman believe the grass is greener on the other side...but eventually, the color of that grass will fade too & they go through a repeat occurrence with someone else. My STBX will find that out later in time.

I, too, was told to expose them both to work, friends, family, his wife, etc..... But I thought about it a while and realized the truth will come out____that MM would need to eventually tell his wife, his son, his family, and their place of employment, as one of them one would need to leave & go to another job, (they work together in same area, employer does not allow married couple OR dating in this same area) And, if I exposed them, I would be labeled as a tattle tale, that people would not trust me in holding personal conversations, secrets, etc... So it is your decision, choose wisely.

As others have stated, you cannot control your W, you cannot beg her to come back, it will push her away. Besides, now that you know she is a cheater, do you really want her back? How will you trust her again if you do? How would the marriage/relationship be if you were to get back together, knowing she treated you this way?
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Old 4th September 2017, 10:55 PM   #24
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I found out too she ask my 15 year old what he would think of she was remarried!
I thinking... You gotta be F'n kidding me!

She's living in a Fairy tale world. Should be interesting to watch.

Yea... She's playing up all this sympathy getting money from her family, while I have nothing.

I admit, I've seen shades of this type of selfishness, but this?? I would never have expected
I even told her, it's like she opened the door and let the devil right in! She said nothing.
Even sent the kids to a Christain school.
My 15 year old told her... isn't it wrong to be dating someone of your still married to dad? And she said, no! It's over, it doesn't matter.
So she's demoralizing him, and Everything I sent him there to learn.
I'm in a angry phase right now... What the F happened to her??
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Old 5th September 2017, 9:41 AM   #25
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Standard

Her actions and reactions are standard. She will make you out to be the 'bad guy' so she can feel better about herself. You must be the worst guy on the planet so she was completely justified in her actions (that's false of course). Expect that. Tell your kids that she is going to do that and it is just not true. You are a good guy - period - and their Mom is temporarily blinded by things and making poor choices. Leave it at that. Don't respond to her about anything other than the divorce. Don't say anything about her boyfriends and dating - you can't win that battle and it is over. Just tell her you hope she does things the best way possible for your kids and refuse to argue with her. Get in the gym. Walk alot. Do things that are good for you. Treat yourself to something every day - even something as simple as watching your favorite show, eating a good meal, etc. Keep eating well. Avoid drugs and alcohol - there aren't any answers there. Be nice to yourself. The world will beat you up for a while and doesn't need your help. Be the best you that is possible. Know you will make two steps forward and one back often. Be careful. You are way more likely to get in an accident right now (mind is elsewhere). You WILL survive this. Divorce her. Accept it. She is not who you married or thought you married. You no longer know or want her. The 'old her' is gone forever. Best of luck always.
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Old 5th September 2017, 10:26 AM   #26
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So how does this normally work?

I'm always going to be the bad guy? She's just going to hate me the rest of her life?

Or does this hate eventually transfer over to the next guy?

I can't see this being a healthy situation for her.

I'd hate to be her hiding, burying all that for the rest of my life.

Thanks!!
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Old 5th September 2017, 6:11 PM   #27
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I have seen this happen time and time again. I feel that some people are not destined to be married for life.

I think you should just go for Divorce. She does not want to work things out. Heal and the Universe will bring a new woman into your life.

My buddy BD wife told him the same thing. She is now on guy #4. I think a lot of us should just go slow in a relationship. No hurry to marry. Have more direct conversations about kids and lifestyle and see both parties are on the same mindset.

It saves a lot of headache in the end.
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Old 5th September 2017, 6:17 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Myasylum View Post
So how does this normally work?

I'm always going to be the bad guy? She's just going to hate me the rest of her life?

Or does this hate eventually transfer over to the next guy?

I can't see this being a healthy situation for her.

I'd hate to be her hiding, burying all that for the rest of my life.

Thanks!!
You have to be the bad guy to justify her affair. Later she'll want you to be her friend and kiss her ass.
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Old 6th September 2017, 7:05 AM   #29
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Well after 7 days of no contact she sends me a message that she needs information from me for her attorney and needs to know where "we" should go from here.

I'm thinking... "we"?? Since when is this "we"?

Her and her cheating heart maybe.

I didn't respond. I was actually having the best day I've had since the split and didn't want to go down that rabbit hole.

Any idea what this may be about??

I'm thinking maybe she's just getting nervous because I haven't lifted a finger yet, and she's wondering what I'm doing.

I'm in no hurry.
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Old 6th September 2017, 10:34 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by Myasylum View Post
Well after 7 days of no contact she sends me a message that she needs information from me for her attorney and needs to know where "we" should go from here.

I'm thinking... "we"?? Since when is this "we"?

Her and her cheating heart maybe.

I didn't respond. I was actually having the best day I've had since the split and didn't want to go down that rabbit hole.

Any idea what this may be about??

I'm thinking maybe she's just getting nervous because I haven't lifted a finger yet, and she's wondering what I'm doing.

I'm in no hurry.
Quit over thinking it. You need to text her, speed this divorce along. Listen... my wife cheated and left too. You are not the first person to get cheated on and surely won't be the last.

She thought enough of your 18+ years together to NOT respect you and break up with you in a decent way. She thought enough of your 18+ years together to seek, find, spread her legs for, and leave you for another man.

I know it's hard right now but if you don't read anything else read this: she destroyed this marriage. She no longer deserves to be married to you. IF you guys are ever going to be together it will be with a new marriage.. not this one. You divorce her, she begs, pleads to come back, she does what's needed to be done to repair the relationship. Then if one day, years from now you can ever holistically trust her, you can bring up marriage again.. a new marriage, from scratch. Not this cheating/lying/deceitful sham of a marriage.

-No, this was not your doing.
-No, there is nothing wrong with you.
-Yes, there is something wrong with her and she caused this.
-If you live a nice calm life, it does not ensure that the universe will return a nice calm existence.

This is your reality now. Don't fight it, surrender to your new reality, and face it head on. In 5yrs you can either look back at yourself as a weak man who pined for your cheating ex or a strong man who refused to be treated like less than a human, stood your ground, and kept your head high. That is 100% your control. Good luck sir.
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