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Fiancée and mother of child broke up with me and left


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 20th August 2017, 2:07 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
I can see why you would be doing this but I think if you pull back after having a great holiday she will give up on you.
She I guess, wants emotional connection, if you then withdraw and reject, she is going to do the same.

She will be in building mode, trying to like you and trust you again after you became bitter and cantankerous towards her, due to lack of sex.
Women in "childbirth/toddler" mode do not prioritise sex, you should have been more understanding.
Women who do not like you and trust you, will not have sex with you.

She will be trying to build bonds here, but if you withdraw, then the emotional connection will be lost and she will be gone, perhaps for good this time.
Women in toddler mode may not be in sex mode, but I support them and went 12 months without any sex at all. It drove me physically and mentally insane and I DID communicate softly for a long time. It changed nothing. I am not just here to play everything on her orders- that's not a relationship. She wasn't trying to meet halfway on anything, and that was what made me lose my ****. Wrong I know. But I'm human and humans make mistakes, we both have.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 6:37 AM   #17
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I really think we should be real here...

I really think we should be real here...

Dude, dollars to donuts, she is and has been having an affair. No matter what she says.

Very few woman do this with out someone on the side. Men too for that matter.

I really don't think you have anything to reconcile here, she does not love you, she is not sexually attracted to you, man you need to move on.

Just start a new life and forget about her...
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Old 22nd August 2017, 8:58 AM   #18
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Why don't you sort out a formal arrangement for seeing your daughter?

You need to maintain your relationship with her and be firmly in her life, as I don't know that you'll end up back with her, but be the best dad you can and spend one on one time with your daughter.

No sex isn't great, but I'm not sure how much you played a part in being hands on.

The money comment that you threw at her backfired badly. No women staying home looking after your child would want to hear that.

I'm not surprised she left.
This.
Not sure you two can ever return from all those ugly things.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 2:32 PM   #19
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We live in a small town. I know everyone. I get you're always the last to know. But honestly I really don't believe it's someone else. If it is then she's not contacting them by phone whatsoever and is swearing on her kids life voluntarily and lying. I would've found out by now.

I think there's a root cause related to the child and the bad pregnancy and Orem baby we suffered. Our kid was in the hospital for 8 weeks and on breathing apparatus. On top of that. We've argued. I've become needy insecure and unattractive due to the rejection, my mum left when I was a kid and never returns. It's triggers a lot of **** for me. Etc etc.

What she needs is therepy- but that's upto her.

We go away tomorrow. Will just make the best of it for our daughters sake and I will continue to be a good dad and see what happens. There is still some chemistry between us, we get along as friends and as long and we don't do the "us" talk- we don't argue. I think she is in building mode and trying to like me/take t slowly and see what happens. Either that or it's a pure and utter cake eat- if it is then I'm a mug but I'm going to hang myself out there for my likes sake and our family.

Will post update asap
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Old 22nd August 2017, 2:44 PM   #20
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I hope you are right...

I hope you are right... And I hope I am wrong...

However, I have not been wrong so far, it is a gift and a curse.

Look for a burner phone if you can. Check the last phone bill before she moved out, if I am correct. It is almost a 100% that she is screwing around based on your posts.

Now it is possible that she is done for what ever reason, but it is not probably.

It almost never happens that way.

So check around...
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Old 24th August 2017, 1:18 AM   #21
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Believe me I have done plenty of checking. Never found a thing. Burner phone is the only thing I could've missed.

I've done a lot of reading the past few nights- I have been the victim of stonewalling. Whenever there's an issue Of any kind she refuses to talk about it in any depth and stone walls me. This repeated has led to the situation we're in now. Sex is such a painful topic for her as for a year or more she hasn't discussed it and find expressing how she feels incredibly difficult. She needs therapy drastically, but I'm sure she won't go..

I'm just going to enjoy this holiday and make sure my daughter has a time to remember. I feel bad for my fiancé- every relationship will encounter problems at some point- no matter who she is with the relationship will always turn bad because she won't communicate.. its sad I love her and I want to be happy together. But I think you all are right- it's a lost cause. I spoke to a mutual friend last nigh- he said that all her past relationships ended this way, she ****s down and refuses to reconcile, in the first one that hasn't left her apparently :/ .. there's never been a kid involved before though... what a mess !
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Old 26th August 2017, 2:21 AM   #22
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I've done a lot of reading the past few nights- I have been the victim of stonewalling. Whenever there's an issue Of any kind she refuses to talk about it in any depth and stone walls me. This repeated has led to the situation we're in now.
I am surprised that nobody had mentioned dismissive-avoidant attachment yet. Attachment styles are no disorders we have them all, it are coping styles. Mix that with the depression and we come close to the behaviour you are describing.
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Old 26th August 2017, 10:41 AM   #23
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Hi ItsPointless, is there really a psycho-analytical term such as dismissive-avoidant attachment? Actually there are a lot of psycho-analytical terms that are used here on the forum but somehow they seem very glib to me. That is not to say that the conditions these terms imply are not valid or do not exist. They must be very real but can we lightly use a term which may imply a serious psychological disorder to something that may not be anywhere near anything as serious. What you are implying may be true but I would think it should come from a qualified psychiatrist. While intentions may be good, a person who comes to a forum like this for help may become alarmed or distracted and may not really benefit. I don't know. I may be wrong here but I do hold to this opinion.

As far as OP is concerned, he is caught between a rock and a hard place. He seems to be leaning towards calling it quits after his initial emotional breakdown. Hope things went well on his vacation with his family. I do hope he comes back to update us. Warm wishes.
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Old 26th August 2017, 11:44 AM   #24
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Hi ItsPointless, is there really a psycho-analytical term such as dismissive-avoidant attachment? Actually there are a lot of psycho-analytical terms that are used here on the forum but somehow they seem very glib to me. That is not to say that the conditions these terms imply are not valid or do not exist. They must be very real but can we lightly use a term which may imply a serious psychological disorder to something that may not be anywhere near anything as serious. What you are implying may be true but I would think it should come from a qualified psychiatrist.
Yes there is and the good news is that all flavours of attachment that are out there have nothing to do with disorders. As I said it are coping strategies concerning attachment learned while young to get love and affection. There is a difference thought between secure and insecure attachment. If she is indeed dismissive-avoidant attached he needs to look at himself too. Often the insecure types are attracted to each-other. And it are roughly 30 percent of the people that are insecure attached. Another thing is that usually it are the anxious attached types (also insecure) that are attracted to dismissive-avoidants: speaking from experience here.
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Old 26th August 2017, 2:56 PM   #25
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Yes there is and the good news is that all flavours of attachment that are out there have nothing to do with disorders. As I said it are coping strategies concerning attachment learned while young to get love and affection. There is a difference thought between secure and insecure attachment. If she is indeed dismissive-avoidant attached he needs to look at himself too. Often the insecure types are attracted to each-other. And it are roughly 30 percent of the people that are insecure attached. Another thing is that usually it are the anxious attached types (also insecure) that are attracted to dismissive-avoidants: speaking from experience here.

After googling the attachment disorder stuff posted above I am amazed. She ticks every box. The reason the sex stopped and she got further away is because I pushed more and became more insecure and needy. All the hallmark signs.

Day 3 of the holiday. She's still fairly cold, but we've had one good chat where she admitted she still loves me but need time to totally rebuild with me etc. She kissed me once and said she wants to relax the rest of the trip and see how things go. Really hard to be emotionally secure when this is all happening. Long term I don't know what I'm prepared to compromise on... but for now I just want to get along and have a nice time together. Thanks for that diagnosis- I learned a lot reading today. Making more sense to me already.
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Old 26th August 2017, 4:05 PM   #26
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After googling the attachment disorder stuff posted above I am amazed. She ticks every box. The reason the sex stopped and she got further away is because I pushed more and became more insecure and needy. All the hallmark signs.
Again, attachment-styles have nothing to do with disorders ...

It isn't a diagnosis. I gave a bet of some parameters. I also advice you also to take a attachment-style test. You can find some online.

Last edited by Itspointless; 26th August 2017 at 7:55 PM..
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Old 27th August 2017, 7:22 AM   #27
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So we were all on the pool yesterday laughing around and i went to hug her, she pulled away and got defensive saying we're not in a relationship etc. I stupidly then started talking (it's who I am !) and said that I love her and our family and I don't want things to be this way. She got pretty cold and showed zero sign of caring about me whatsoever.. it feels like the one way I'll actually start moving on from this is finding someone else casually and just living my life. Going home is gig to be hell- I've had my kid everyday here and it's going to be back to only a few days a week plus work/bills etc etc.

I wish I could've learned about these attachment styles earlier- I might of been able to adapt while still having the chance to remain with my family but that's in the past now and out my hands. I would never have had a child with her if I didnt want to be in it for the long haul- but I just have to play the cards I've been dealt from here. Still got 10 days of our vacation left to go. It's awkward and so hard for me having to sleep in selerate beds and not have any kind of affection or intereaction like before... she seems so unphased and independent, I'm sure inside she's not, but she copes that way.

Will post more later in the week
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Old 27th August 2017, 7:44 AM   #28
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I agree with our Blues friend here. I think there might be more going on than meets the eye...
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Old 29th August 2017, 11:28 AM   #29
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So day 5

I asked her directly yesterday morning if she wants to sort this out or not- she said yes but it's going to take time and she won't be giving any affection or progress until she feels ready to ?!

We spent a day at a park with family. Came back and went to the pool- she stopped and kissed me, which was good ?! :/

Went out and had dinner in the evening with our kid. Our kid fell asleep in her stroller pretty earlier and we ate and talked a lot and had a walk around the shops. Then got into seperate beds

Today she's been cordial, jumped on me in the pool and held me for a moment. Otherwise still distant. I'm really dreading going home, it's going to be like breaking up all over again except this time at least I know it's coming and I can prepare ?

I'm going to ask her out to dinner one night before we leave, fully prepared for her to reject- but while we're away it seems a good shot. It almost felt today like she was angry at herself as we had a good time last night and I think part of her doubts what's happening. My cousin and his gf fell out this morning- then made up. She made a comment of "well she got over that quickly- i don't make it that easy!@ whatever that meant ?!
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Old 29th August 2017, 11:37 AM   #30
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Hi man, I think it is wise for you to be not to eager. Do not want to be to romantic (yet). I think exactly that will push her away. It are your needs, probably not hers when it comes to experiencing love at this moment. Good Luck!
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