Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 A little backstory - I don't think I ever loved my wife. I married her 17 years ago during a depressed stage in my life and settled. I've always had strong feelings for my college gf (we dated in early 90s, I am 45) and it caused issues in our marriage over the 17 years. I reconnected with college gf and fell in love all over again. She was going thru similar marriage issues. I kept my marriage issues bottled up. My wife is emotional, aggressive and can get her view point across 1000X better than I. I am not a good communicator. In April I left her out of the blue. I told her I was unhappy bc of her anger issues. I was trying to protect everyone by concealing affair. She just kept pushing and pushing for more explanation and I confessed to affair. She wanted to know every little detail. We tried to reconcile and I actually moved back in for a couple days. I quickly realized I was trying to reconcile for the kids, money, security of home, family drama and not bc I loved my wife. We have gone to counseling and have had numerous talks and I have told her I don't love her completely and my heart is not in it. She still keeps pressing me to make it work. I feel she is forcing me to try to love her. The therapist even told her that she can't force me to love her. Looking back this happened when we were dating and she pushed me to get married. She is in a severe depressed state that I have caused. Yesterday was bad day. She showed up at my son's golf match drunk. I had to give her a ride home. She was talking about my affair with son in car. My son knew before but she was going into more details and at the end said she was going to kill herself. I told her to seek help. My son texted me later saying I am never to see the lady I am seeing and he will never accept her. She has kids most of the time. She is emotional, very religious, and again is a great communicator and can get her view point across to make me look like the worst husband/father/christian in the world. I have held back on telling kids my side (my lack of love for her, her drinking, her emotional and verbal abuse, her rampant spending and causing me tremendous financial stress). I don't want to say bad things about their mother. What do I do? How can I salvage my relationship with my kids? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I have a friend in almost exactly this same scenario, except a couple years out. It's eery how similar these situations are. Your number one priority here needs to be respecting your children's wishes if you want to have any chance of them still wanting a relationship with you. You've betrayed your children, too, not just your wife. Your infatuation with this yoga instructor/"love of your life" is evident and I believe it's skewing your view of reality. You've blown up your entire family and your children's lives. You can't expect them to open their arms to your new lady or your new lifestyle. Whatever you do, don't spring/surprise the woman on them with no warning. This will NOT go well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 CO Thanks for input. I do not plan on springing her on them. I have told her she needs to stay in background (she is in different city) and I need to put kids first. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 It's going to take time. Don't expect a quick fix. I'm not going to get into the blame game because that won't help anybody! You are in very early days right now. This situation is going to be volatile for a while. Your kids will be upset. They will be upset with you. They will also be upset with their mother, although you may not see all of that. Divorce brings up a lot of complicated emotions. They will blame you, they will blame her, they will blame themselves. It will hurt. It will hurt for them, and it will hurt for you. The most important thing you can do is stay calm. Don't push your kids to take sides. Definitely don't push them to make nice with your girlfriend and don't try to trick them into seeing her, she should not be a part of their life at all right now. Maybe someday, if you stay together, but NOT now, not anytime soon. You need to weather the current storm first. Try to give your kids a safe space to express feelings - within reason. If they just want to tell you how hurt and abandoned they feel, let them, acknowledge their emotions, don't try to make it all better because you can't, don't try to make them pretend that they don't have feelings because that won't work. Now, if they escalate to the point where they are being really abusive (verbally or physically) towards you, then you can tell them that's not appropriate and walk away (temporarily). Be strong for them and for you, and try not to take anything they say to you right now too personally. They are confused and upset and trying to re-establish their sense of the world. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 somany: excellent advice. It really hurt last night when my son texted that he was so upset. I feel my ex wife is poisoning their view point of me and obviously my gf. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 somany: excellent advice. It really hurt last night when my son texted that he was so upset. I feel my ex wife is poisoning their view point of me and obviously my gf. How old are your children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 I agree my gf should not be around my kids. She lives 2 hours away. She came to visit when my kids and wife were out of town. My wife found out and went ape sht on me. I am thinking no more visits to my apt until things settle down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 How old are your children? Son is 13 and daughter 15 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 somany: It really hurt last night when my son texted that he was so upset. I feel my ex wife is poisoning their view point of me and obviously my gf. Have you considered that she doesn't really need to say much to "poison" their viewpoint of you? Are not your actions enough? YOU have blown up their world and that of their mother. YOU may be playing happy families with your new love, but they are all left in Hell. Have you considered getting your wife some professional help. Suicide in this situation may not be just an idle threat, especially if she is also drinking hard... Does she have any family or friends that may look out for her if you are unwilling to do that? I guess if your wife does commit suicide here, your children will NEVER forgive you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Have you considered that she doesn't really need to say much to "poison" their viewpoint of you? Are not your actions enough? YOU have blown up their world and that of their mother. YOU may be playing happy families with your new love, but they are all left in Hell. Have you considered getting your wife some professional help. Suicide in this situation may not be just an idle threat, especially if she is also drinking hard... Does she have any family or friends that may look out for her if you are unwilling to do that? I guess if your wife does commit suicide here, your children will NEVER forgive you. This is why I asked how old they are. Teenagers are more than capable of developing their own opinions and feelings about your actions. I hope all three of them (your wife and the kids) are in counseling. I know it can be hard to get kids to participate in counseling, though . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 I feel terrible I caused all this. I felt it was either go back to marriage, be miserable and lose a girl I always loved or try to get thru this tough period and still try to be the best dad I can be. My W has gone to therapy alone. My daughter went but hated it. My W has mom and sister close by. My W is an emotional mess but I know she would never commit suicide. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I feel terrible I caused all this. I felt it was either go back to marriage, be miserable and lose a girl I always loved or try to get thru this tough period and still try to be the best dad I can be. My W has gone to therapy alone. My daughter went but hated it. My W has mom and sister close by. My W is an emotional mess but I know she would never commit suicide. Whether you know it or not, this all follows a script. If you're completely honest with yourself you'll probably realize your life was not completely miserable with your wife until yoga instructor came back on the scene. The mind can really make up an alternative history (i.e. never should have married her) when it wants to . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 Whether you know it or not, this all follows a script. If you're completely honest with yourself you'll probably realize your life was not completely miserable with your wife until yoga instructor came back on the scene. The mind can really make up an alternative history (i.e. never should have married her) when it wants to . I had doubts before I married her and all thru out marriage I had all these doubts while I didn't have any contact with ex gf over the years. People will never believe me but it is not the hot sex with the fit yoga teacher. That is way down on the list but we have a very intense connection on a personal level. I never felt this with anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I had doubts before I married her and all thru out marriage I had all these doubts while I didn't have any contact with ex gf over the years. People will never believe me but it is not the hot sex with the fit yoga teacher. That is way down on the list but we have a very intense connection on a personal level. I never felt this with anyone. Oh people will definitely believe that's what you believe. It's just not any different than any other affair. I have never read anything on this forum, or any other forum, where the cheater says they are cheating because of the hot sex. It's always because they think it's a love of a lifetime. Rarely does it end up actually being that way once the fog clears and whatever that hormone that is released during the excitement phase lets up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 Oh people will definitely believe that's what you believe. It's just not any different than any other affair. I have never read anything on this forum, or any other forum, where the cheater says they are cheating because of the hot sex. It's always because they think it's a love of a lifetime. Rarely does it end up actually being that way once the fog clears and whatever that hormone that is released during the excitement phase lets up. I get that and I agree there's some excitement to reconnecting. I have also read that reconnected romances are highly successful. Also, tbh the sex is a lot of effort with the gf. I was quite use the simple routine with the W and was good enough for me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I had doubts before I married her and all thru out marriage I had all these doubts while I didn't have any contact with ex gf over the years. People will never believe me but it is not the hot sex with the fit yoga teacher. That is way down on the list but we have a very intense connection on a personal level. I never felt this with anyone. Yes but my worry here for you is... Is this "intense connection" YOU feel, really reciprocated? This was a woman who dumped you when you got fat and poor, and married a very rich man instead. YOU have only reconnected since the end of January 2017 and as a very attractive newly separated woman, she may want to explore a bit and find out what is really out there, once she gets her confidence back and her divorce under her belt. Old college bf who is besotted, may seem like an easy option for a while, but not maybe what she would want in the long term. You may have always loved her and I believe that your intentions as far as she is concerned are "honourable", but she dumped you originally, so she may not be in quite so deep... You need to be very careful here. You may be ruining a lot of people's lives and for what is my concern? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 I get that and I agree there's some excitement to reconnecting. I have also read that reconnected romances are highly successful. Also, tbh the sex is a lot of effort with the gf. I was quite use the simple routine with the W and was good enough for me. Even when infidelity was involved?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Yes but my worry here for you is... Is this "intense connection" YOU feel, really reciprocated? This was a woman who dumped you when you got fat and poor, and married a very rich man instead. YOU have only reconnected since the end of January 2017 and as a very attractive newly separated woman, she may want to explore a bit and find out what is really out there, once she gets her confidence back and her divorce under her belt. Old college bf who is besotted, may seem like an easy option for a while, but not maybe what she would want in the long term. You may have always loved her and I believe that your intentions as far as she is concerned are "honourable", but she dumped you originally, so she may not be in quite so deep... You need to be very careful here. You may be ruining a lot of people's lives and for what is my concern? So many red flags I feel like I'm watching a parade. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 Yes but my worry here for you is... Is this "intense connection" YOU feel, really reciprocated? This was a woman who dumped you when you got fat and poor, and married a very rich man instead. YOU have only reconnected since the end of January 2017 and as a very attractive newly separated woman, she may want to explore a bit and find out what is really out there, once she gets her confidence back and her divorce under her belt. Old college bf who is besotted, may seem like an easy option for a while, but not maybe what she would want in the long term. You may have always loved her and I believe that your intentions as far as she is concerned are "honourable", but she dumped you originally, so she may not be in quite so deep... You need to be very careful here. You may be ruining a lot of people's lives and for what is my concern? Yes you are correct. I have asked her why she didn't give me a second chance 20+ years ago? I have asked her does she want to jump right into another relationship without seeing what single "cougar" life could be like? She has reassured me over and over. She went on spring break cruise. She came back and said that answered a lot of questions for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 Part of me feels cursed. I have to hurt my wife terribly and cause pain to my kids to be with the only girl I have ever loved. I am still committed to being best father I can be and I want to help my wife heal. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 When you met in January, she was not even separated, just unhappily married. It is now only July, she will not have a clue what she really wants. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Sadly, this is the result of many poor decisions over a lifetime... And there are so many red flags about this woman and your current situation with your wife that it does indeed, look like a parade. It will take a very, very, very long time for things to get better - if they ever truly do. Your wife may not be a nice person or a very good wife, but she feels betrayed and she is not coping well. It is her job to accept the divorce and deal with her feelings... but given what you have shared about this woman I wouldn't expect her to do this easily or anytime soon. At this point, you can't change the past but you can definitely effect the present and the future. Remember that despite her outrageous behavior, she is the mother of your children and if you hurt her, you hurt them. Treat her fairly and with as much kindness as you can muster... do this for your children. You can't control what she says to your children, but you can certainly talk to your children. They don't have to know all the details, but you can tell them the truth as you know it... You have both made mistakes in the marriage and you have done things that have hurt your mother. Tell them that you have decided it was better to live apart. Tell them that you love them and you will always be there to support them. Get them to a counsellor that they can trust, ASAP! As for the affair, it remains to be seen if you have chosen a good woman and if this relationship will go the distance. At this point, you are clearly in the infatuation stage of the relationship and it is obviously clouding your judgment. Be aware of that when making decisions related to your family. It would be a good idea for you to find a counsellor - especially one who could perhaps facilitate some family counselling sessions for you and your children in the future. But, for now... You need to understand that it's going to take a very, very long time for your family to calm down. You have taken a stick of dynamite and placed it in the middle of your family... And kaboom! Now, it's time to accept the consequences of your decisions... I do wish you the best though only because, I want your kids to be healthy and not messed up for their future relationships because their parents were unhappy in their marriage and made some very destructive decisions... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 Bailey: Well said. I am going to support the healing process for my W and make my kids my focus. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 Sadly, this is the result of many poor decisions over a lifetime... ^^^The above sums up everything in one concise sentence. OP: Although my objective prediction is that you and your hot gf won't make it long term (sorry to say this), I think you made the right choice to end your dysfunctional marriage, disregarding your hot gf. You've created this huge mess due to your fear and your conflict avoidance. I hope that you'll proceed with much courage going forward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 (edited) Part of me feels cursed. I have to hurt my wife terribly and cause pain to my kids to be with the only girl I have ever loved. I am still committed to being best father I can be and I want to help my wife heal. You feel cursed? Not to be facetious, but do you feel like the victim in this situation... You married this woman and had children with her. You stayed in an unhealthy and unhappy relationship for a lot of years... You were not strong enough to do the right thing and divorce your wife. Rather, you had an exit affair with another woman... Then, as I understand it went back to your wife after she discovered your affair only to leave her and your children again... And now, it's not even six months later and you wonder why your wife is drinking herself into a stupor and why your children won't talk to you... But - you feel cursed because you only want to be with the woman that you love and you wish your family could get over it and support you in your new relationship... With all due respect, you are not the victim, you are the perpetrator. You are not the wounded party, you are the person who made these decisions and caused all this conflict. You are the one who lit the stick of dynamite... My best friend's father did something very similar... It destroyed their family. The divorce took years to settle. Her mother hates her father. The kids are often frustrated with their mothers behavior toward their father but they have stood by their mother because she was the wounded party. My friend and her brother have a very arms length relationship with their father and his girlfriend... Mostly because, he feels like he was the victim in the situation and he has never understood why they would not accept "the love of his life..." Just saying, decisions have been made and now you accept the consequences. You have a hard road ahead... Edited July 17, 2017 by BaileyB 6 Link to post Share on other sites
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