What do kids need from their divorced fathers?

[aurelius99]

The current trend in society is that the majority of houses experience divorce. And within this majority, 90% are single moms who have primary custody. Fathers are most frequently relegated to seeing their kids every other weekend, holidays, and summers--regardless if they want equal time.

 

What do these children need from their fathers? The ideal would be for fathers to see their kids on a daily basis and have a "normal" life. But in these cases, what can fathers do to help their kids grow up healthy?

 

At my kids' mothers house, I know they deal with a lot of emotional strife and unpredictable moods. There's also a very smothering and controlling way of life. I like to believe that when my kids are with me, they can just chill and breathe and daydream like a child should. I also value outdoor things like camping and fishing. We play baseball together a heck of a lot.

 

One thing try to do is show them "how it is" in the world. Not to stereotype, but I think kids don't always get the best understanding from mothers about the facts of life. This is why children without fathers are more likely to wind up in jail. I show my kids what it means to have integrity and not view people as objects to be used. Their family on the ex's side tends to do this and think the world revolves around them. I don't want my kids thinking this way. It results in abusing others and seeing them only as far as how they benefit you.

 

I also teach them that truth is the highest good. I teach them that most people lie and cheat to get ahead and that even if it means they don't get ahead or lose, it's still better to do what is true and right.

 

I make sure to not badmouth my ex to them. Even though she assaulted me and was arrested and was abusuve emotionally, I just let time go by and hope my kids will see the truth on their own. I don't think I need to say anything.

 

Anyway, I think I got off topic. I just want to know what you think kids "need" from their dad when their dad is the non-custodial parent. Yes I make sure to be involved in their life and activities as much as possible. But those are externals. What IDEAS or LESSONS or THINGS do kids need from dads?

[SammySammy]

First, they need to know they are wanted and loved. That the divorce is not their fault.

 

Next they need time. There is no replacement for time shared and memories created. Or time lost and memories forgone.

 

Then, like all children, they need protection, guidance, support, and all of the other things a good father provides. Which you seem to be doing.

 

Anyway, that's just my opinion being a divorced dad.

[Chilli]

Can't effg believe such a huge and important question and subject, only has one reply, ONE.

But , yet l can believe it.

Because that's exactly how the whole of society , courts included , generally anything to do with the fathers in this mess, are .

Even if she screwed around , even the courts still lay the carpet out for her.

lf this was the same question right here, about the mother instead, there'd be 200 replies.

 

 

But yeah def' everything MD said and then some. All that is soo sooooo important. Especially the wanted and loved.

 

l actually chose to just let my daughter stay with her mum because she's a girl and l just thought that was best for her.

But her mum was similar to yours with moods and temper and spac attacks for a few years.

l always checked with d everything was ok at home and she always knew she could come to mine anytime for a break or to live or talk or call absolutely anytime if mum gets too much, just call and l'll be there.

Typical in d's attitude though which was a real blessing for her, she didn't take mums crap too seriously and luckily her mum was always to a still mostly a very good mother.

 

But for the first 3yrs l was also only 10mins away and me and d could come and go any time we wanted and she stayed at mine anytime she wanted too, l could drop in there a few hours, grab her at school , anything.

And that freedom was HUGE , in taking all the crap out of this for my d and it all really really helped her.

nearly 5yrs for us and it's still the same except we don't catch up near as often lately and she doesn't stay as much sadly. But she's 16 now and has a bf and her best friends are all in her mums town right now soooo, she's growing up basically.

Right through to l've always told her how much l love her , daily almost and still do. Assured her many times we both do and we're still both her parents and love her very much and we are both always there for her.

She's been and has grown into a beautifully well balance and very smart and secure girl thank god and we've been admired many times by people and professionals in this stuff, for the way we've handled this for d and gotten her through l'm really happy to say.

 

Good luck my friend . Always let them know your there for them anytime day or night, make sure they have a phone to call you up, and never let them forget how much you both still love them. And keep everything as loose and as close to normal as you can.

if you can too,always be polite and friendly with the ex and vise versa.

Any sh@t sort it out privately with out the kids around.

It all makes a massive massive difference to how they will get through this and their childhood from here on.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

ps ,

always talk and listen to them .

for talking my d and l love going for drives or just hanging out sitting in the car for hours down the beach , walking, she also loves me coming in and jumping on her bed for a yak at night and stuff.

These are things where all out talking happens and thus lessons and questions and info and just chit chatting away about anything and everything.

it's can be so cool and she loves our times as much as me.

[somanymistakes]

I didn't see my father every day long before the divorce. He was a pilot, he was always away for work. When he was home, he had a short temper. He was never violent, I will say that. But he was always upset at things not being done the way he wanted them done. He would refuse to tell me exactly what he wanted and then yell at me for doing it wrong.

 

While him leaving for good was disruptive and upsetting it was also an enormous relief.

 

The occasional weekend and afternoon visits I had to have with him were always stressful for me, but easier than having him at home because the time was limited and since I wasn't there for long I couldn't make much of a mess so he couldn't get too mad at me for being untidy.

 

I have no idea what "facts of life" I'm supposed to have learned from my father. I don't think he taught me much of anything about life other than never to trust men. We were never comfortable with each other, I can't remember ever in my life going to him for advice.

 

I guess I'm an example of how you don't want things to end up?

[elaine567]

But he was always upset at things not being done the way he wanted them done.

 

He probably had his own image of what his role was as a father and how "you" should turn out, but he failed to consider "you" and the real "you" in all of his plans.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think you're handling it better than most OP. Good for you.

 

Both responses here are also really good and really important points as well.

 

I can tell you that in my case, both my ex and I vowed to make our kids happiness and well being a priority. As MKD pointed, they need to know that this isn't their fault and that everything, everything will be alright in the end.

 

 

If I had to add anything more, I would like to highlight the importance of NEVER speaking badly about your ex to your children. NEVER! Even if they deserve it. It's absolutely disgusting to me how some parents behave in just dealing with each other never mind playing it out in front of their already traumatized children! And when they start using their children as pawns in some stupid game to get back at each other???? LORD give me strength!

 

Any parent reading this who identifies with any of the above should be ashamed of themselves!!

 

You don't have to agree all the time with your ex, you don't have to talk everyday, you don't even have to like one another but you MUST find a way to rise above all the bullsh*t for the sake of your children.

 

THAT alone will be monumental and will go a ridiculously long way in making your kids feel safe and secure and loved despite the separation/divorce.

 

I simply cannot stress this point enough.

[Chilli]

So well said Michelle, all so so important.

 

And l'm sorry some have had bad dads or mums, but as you say , l guess it;s a good example of what not to do right.

l've used the things l didn't like with mine as whatnot to do's too.

But me, dad was a good dad , in the end. l realized when l'd grown up at just how good he was. But he wasn't perfect , and neither was mum. Far from it.

 

But they kept us all safe and basically loved and fed haha , no mean feat alone really , with a family the size of mine believe me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

So well said Michelle, all so so important.

 

And l'm sorry some have had bad dads or mums, but as you say , l guess it;s a good example of what not to do right.

l've used the things l didn't like with mine as whatnot to do's too.

But me, dad was a good dad , in the end. l realized when l'd grown up at just how good he was. But he wasn't perfect , and neither was mum. Far from it.

 

But they kept us all safe and basically loved and fed haha , no mean feat alone really , with a family the size of mine believe me.

 

It's not about being perfect. We're all flawed on our best days never mind when we're hurting and in pain. It's normal and expected to have frustrations and anger and resentment with our ex spouse for whatever reasons, and it's fine to hash it out with them but IN PRIVATE.

 

I'm very lucky that I get along extremely well with my ex hubby but that's because we BOTH want to make our post divorce relationship work. We've seen too many couples put in so much time and energy into hating each other that they lose sight of their children and their well being. That makes me incredibly sad.

 

I know it's much harder when one parent is bitter and chooses to act out rather than work to keep the peace. I understand that not every situation is like mine but I still believe that even with one parent having a good attitude, you can do better.

 

[aurelius99]

I didn't see my father every day long before the divorce. He was a pilot, he was always away for work. When he was home, he had a short temper. He was never violent, I will say that. But he was always upset at things not being done the way he wanted them done. He would refuse to tell me exactly what he wanted and then yell at me for doing it wrong.

 

While him leaving for good was disruptive and upsetting it was also an enormous relief.

 

The occasional weekend and afternoon visits I had to have with him were always stressful for me, but easier than having him at home because the time was limited and since I wasn't there for long I couldn't make much of a mess so he couldn't get too mad at me for being untidy.

 

I have no idea what "facts of life" I'm supposed to have learned from my father. I don't think he taught me much of anything about life other than never to trust men. We were never comfortable with each other, I can't remember ever in my life going to him for advice.

 

I guess I'm an example of how you don't want things to end up?

 

Really? You're relieved to not spend time with your father just because he was strict about tidiness? This is exactly what I've seen in society. Dads pretty much have to be flawless for their kids to not reject them. Meanwhile mothers can be hot messes and they still receive acceptance from their kids because, well...she's Mom.

 

As an example, my brother's wife rejects her father and ostracized him from her life. Why? Because when she was young, he would "lecture" her about right and wrong and when she made mistakes. Are you kidding me? Rejecting your own father because he "lectured" you? Now she's a full blown feminist. Not because of abuse, drunkenness, or any infidelity on her dad's part. Nope. Just "lecturing". I truly hope my kids don't hold me to perfect standards like most dads are. God knows moms get free passes on pretty much all their crap.

[SammySammy]

Really? You're relieved to not spend time with your father just because he was strict about tidiness? This is exactly what I've seen in society. Dads pretty much have to be flawless for their kids to not reject them. Meanwhile mothers can be hot messes and they still receive acceptance from their kids because, well...she's Mom.

 

As an example, my brother's wife rejects her father and ostracized him from her life. Why? Because when she was young, he would "lecture" her about right and wrong and when she made mistakes. Are you kidding me? Rejecting your own father because he "lectured" you? Now she's a full blown feminist. Not because of abuse, drunkenness, or any infidelity on her dad's part. Nope. Just "lecturing". I truly hope my kids don't hold me to perfect standards like most dads are. God knows moms get free passes on pretty much all their crap.

 

I don't believe that's true.

 

I was only twenty five years old when I divorced. Had made a lot of mistakes that led to the divorce. Was still young and dumb as a newly divorced father. As you all can tell by my posts here, I'm still far from perfect.

 

I let my daughter "see" me. Warts and all. Flaws and all. I never pretended to not have any faults. We've had many talks over the years and I've tried to be honest about who I am. The mistakes I've made. The regrets I have. I let her judge me for who I really am without trying to pretend I'm something I'm not.

 

On the other hand, I work hard to have the best relationship I can with her. I listen without judging. Guide without controlling. Inspire. Motivate. Protect. And sometimes just be silly and have fun. If I had worked this hard on my marriage, I'd probably still be married.

 

I don't think we have to be perfect. Our children can accept that we have flaws. I think they want to trust and respect us. Rely on us. Which means we have to be trustworthy. Respectable. Reliable.

 

People, including our children, tend to remember how you treat them. How you make them feel. We have to be aware of that more than anything. You can't just be a bull in a china shop. You have to be aware of "how" you're managing the relationship with each child. Don't be surprised that yelling, demanding, and domineering behavior leads to poor results. That's what is supposed to happen.

 

You have to do a good job to get good results. We don't have to be perfect, but we do have to be consistently good to succeed at anything.

[somanymistakes]

Really? You're relieved to not spend time with your father just because he was strict about tidiness? This is exactly what I've seen in society. Dads pretty much have to be flawless for their kids to not reject them. Meanwhile mothers can be hot messes and they still receive acceptance from their kids because, well...she's Mom.

 

No, I was relieved not to see my father because he would have regular screaming fits at me at the slightest provocation. Had toys out of their boxes while I was playing with them. Left a single sock on the floor. Didn't hang up the phone right (don't ask me how you can do that wrong, but apparently I did, somehow). Didn't know how to cook a meal entirely by myself with no instructions. REFUSED to tell me how to do things WHEN I ASKED HIM, and then SHOUTED AT ME until I was a sobbing wreck when I took a wild guess and guessed wrong.

 

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. You do not need to know everything that happened in my childhood.

 

I'm going to charitably assume that you have some deep trauma in your past that makes you want to wade into other people's obvious sore spots and declare that it's all about how horribly unfair society is to men.

 

Just as I think most posters can assume that if I was stressed sick to be in my father's presence and have never been able to ask him for advice or support throughout my entire life, I probably have a reason for it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't believe that's true.

 

I was only twenty five years old when I divorced. Had made a lot of mistakes that led to the divorce. Was still young and dumb as a newly divorced father. As you all can tell by my posts here, I'm still far from perfect.

 

I let my daughter "see" me. Warts and all. Flaws and all. I never pretended to not have any faults. We've had many talks over the years and I've tried to be honest about who I am. The mistakes I've made. The regrets I have. I let her judge me for who I really am without trying to pretend I'm something I'm not.

 

On the other hand, I work hard to have the best relationship I can with her. I listen without judging. Guide without controlling. Inspire. Motivate. Protect. And sometimes just be silly and have fun. If I had worked this hard on my marriage, I'd probably still be married.

 

I don't think we have to be perfect. Our children can accept that we have flaws. I think they want to trust and respect us. Rely on us. Which means we have to be trustworthy. Respectable. Reliable.

People, including our children, tend to remember how you treat them. How you make them feel. We have to be aware of that more than anything. You can't just be a bull in a china shop. You have to be aware of "how" you're managing the relationship with each child. Don't be surprised that yelling, demanding, and domineering behavior leads to poor results. That's what is supposed to happen.

 

You have to do a good job to get good results. We don't have to be perfect, but we do have to be consistently good to succeed at anything.

 

Bingo!

 

I think this is yet another very important point all parents should remember.

 

And for the record, I don't buy the blind allegiance to hot mess moms just because they're "mom". That's total bullsh*t.

 

My ex hubby has always been envious of my relationship with our children. Unlike me, he is very black and white and is one who feels kids are guilty until proven innocent. Although his heart is in the right place, his delivery in how he communicates with our children is beyond reproach. And he knows it but just can't seem to sort it out well enough. This is why, even post divorce, I'm still the family mediator.

 

I have the great relationships I have with my kids because I make a very conscious effort to have that with them. I work at it everyday. Talking with them instead of at them is pretty powerful. That is one lesson I learned a very long time ago that has made all the difference in how I relate to my children and why they listen to me when I have something important to say to them, even if it's handing down punishments.

 

If you're always yelling and screaming and angry and pushing your weight around like most father's do with your kids, how will they ever know they've done something good? It actually has the opposite effect unless you're gunning for Bully of the Year. Make no mistake about it, my children know better than to cross me. As the saying goes, don't mistaken my kindness for weakness. No one wants to dance with devil or who I used to call 'Mean Mommy' after all

 

In my house, I never yell. I rarely get angry. I do however have moments where I'm disappointed with some of the choices my children make but I see those moments as teachable ones where we sit and have a conversation about what transpired in order for both of us to learn from it. And we always do.

 

Even if it's something where I find myself reacting before thinking, I'm not one who is above apologizing to my children for my overreaction. I think this speaks to MKD comment about not being afraid of letting your kids see you're not perfect either. It makes us more relatable to our children and in the long run, I think that is a good thing.

[aurelius99]

Michelle ma Belle,

 

I think your bias against fathers came out without you even realizing it. You said "most" fathers throw their weight around and yell at their kids instead of talking with them. Do you not see it? It's okay. Society at large doesn't value fathers and it's so ingrained that they don't even see it. Just like a fish doesn't even know it's wet in water.

 

And even the fathers who ARE praised by society are only praised for when they do things that are approved of by women (meaning they are acting like a second mothers). The idea of fathers as an archetype that we see in nature has been lost and disrespected. So what if a child has a healthy fear of his father? I once heard that children who DONT have this will inevitably have an encounter with law enforcement at some point in their lives. Unfortunately fathers have to APPEAR as the bad guy for the sake of their kids. I guess that's actually REAL love, according to the definition. This is one reason why men CANNOT value the approval and validation of society.

[somanymistakes]

There is no such thing as a "healthy fear" of your parents.

 

You paint your ex as emotionally abusive but your words make it sound like you think emotional abuse is a valid tool to control and 'toughen up' your children. Because you "once heard" a rumor justifying this? Have you actually done any serious research into child rearing and healthy outcomes, or are you just sticking with the vague rumor you heard once that justifies you losing your temper?

 

This is really getting more into parenting territory than separation/divorce territory.

 

To answer your original question: what do kids need from their divorced fathers? (Or other non-primary-custodial parents, since yes, mothers sometimes do not have primary custody)

 

1- To be reassured that their fathers love them and did not leave the marriage in order to 'get away' from them.

 

2- To feel that their fathers actually want to see them and are not simply using them as pawns in a power struggle with the other partner. Sadly there are many cases where parents use access to the kids just to piss each other off. Forcing handovers at inconvenient times, adjusting custody in order to adjust how much support income they pay or get paid, demanding to be allowed to see the kid just because they know it will make the other parent angry, etc.

 

3- To feel that their parents appreciate them as individuals and not just as status symbols or a chance for the parent to recapture dreams. Some people can be really weird about showing off their kids like it proves their manly/womanly success, or want the kid to be a miniature version of them, and don't care at all about the kid's actual personality or desires.

 

4- As they get older, to be able to talk about relationships and dating from a male perspective, without falling back on stupid stereotypes and jokes. Kids will have many questions, they are inexperienced and confused. If you have a daughter, please don't make the only thing you say to her about dating be some stupid joke about how you would prefer that she never leaves the house, or that if she gets pregnant, you'll bring the gun. THIS IS NOT HELPING. Yes, you need to tell your kids about the possible dangers they will face. You also need to teach them how to explore in a safe way, and to recognise that all people are not the same.

[SammySammy]

Relationships are like gardens.

 

To have a beautiful and productive garden, we have to ... tend ... the garden. Do the appropriate things, the right way, and at the right time for all the plants of the garden. Because they all differ, we can't treat the plants the same. Water them all the same and some plants will thrive while others die.

 

There is no "archetypal" way to be a gardener. Even you have only one crop, you have to pay attention to the seasons, weather, pests, and so forth and adjust accordingly.

 

We have to tend our relationships too. All of them, but especially the parent-child relationship. Have to pay attention. Be observant. Selective about what we do and how we do it. When we do it.

 

Some kids will respond well to a father trying to strike fear into them. But, to think that would work for all children is naive. Some will grow up to hate you. Then we'll have bitter men blaming the child, women, and anything else he can blame.

 

When the truth is you weren't wise. Didn't notice that child and that relationship needed to be tended and, yes, nurtured in a different way.

 

One thing a "real man" does is take responsibility for everything he does. Good or bad. It's easy to act like a tough guy. It's hard to look your child, yourself, or your ex-wife in the face and admit you were wrong and need to do better. Admit that we don't know everything and we need to grow also. That takes real strength. Humility. Character. The willingness to adapt.

 

Because nothing grows to reach its full potential - as a father, gardener, or otherwise - without change.

[Chilli]

It's not about being perfect. We're all flawed on our best days never mind when we're hurting and in pain. It's normal and expected to have frustrations and anger and resentment with our ex spouse for whatever reasons, and it's fine to hash it out with them but IN PRIVATE.

 

I'm very lucky that I get along extremely well with my ex hubby but that's because we BOTH want to make our post divorce relationship work. We've seen too many couples put in so much time and energy into hating each other that they lose sight of their children and their well being. That makes me incredibly sad.

 

I know it's much harder when one parent is bitter and chooses to act out rather than work to keep the peace. I understand that not every situation is like mine but I still believe that even with one parent having a good attitude, you can do better.

 

 

 

Yeah , same with us , there was some sh@t to swallow but it's for our daughter and well worth it. l'm proud of the job we're doing and we've worked together and supported each other since day one. Even through some very very sh@tty times we've kept our parenting separate.

 

But hell yeah , some of the stuff going on by the crazy, selfish people out there that call themselves parents, my God,l can't even listen to a lot of it,breaks my heart.

Even with what some of my daughters friends are being put through, my God, l just dunno wtf to say to her but it does at least make me wanna do and even better job at all of this, for her.

Edited July 14, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

I don't believe that's true.

 

I was only twenty five years old when I divorced. Had made a lot of mistakes that led to the divorce. Was still young and dumb as a newly divorced father. As you all can tell by my posts here, I'm still far from perfect.

 

I let my daughter "see" me. Warts and all. Flaws and all. I never pretended to not have any faults. We've had many talks over the years and I've tried to be honest about who I am. The mistakes I've made. The regrets I have. I let her judge me for who I really am without trying to pretend I'm something I'm not.

 

On the other hand, I work hard to have the best relationship I can with her. I listen without judging. Guide without controlling. Inspire. Motivate. Protect. And sometimes just be silly and have fun. If I had worked this hard on my marriage, I'd probably still be married.

 

I don't think we have to be perfect. Our children can accept that we have flaws. I think they want to trust and respect us. Rely on us. Which means we have to be trustworthy. Respectable. Reliable.

 

People, including our children, tend to remember how you treat them. How you make them feel. We have to be aware of that more than anything. You can't just be a bull in a china shop. You have to be aware of "how" you're managing the relationship with each child. Don't be surprised that yelling, demanding, and domineering behavior leads to poor results. That's what is supposed to happen.

 

You have to do a good job to get good results. We don't have to be perfect, but we do have to be consistently good to succeed at anything.

 

 

Yeah great stuff , this is something like the way l handle things.

and we're very very comfortable together. we can talk about anything and really enjoy each others company , it's really cool.

l also support things she's into or quietly speak up if l think it's a bad idea , no need for fuss or pressure, and this sorta stuff really goes a long long way with her too.

And she's growing into such a beautiful and smart girl with great ideals and self respect , l just admire the hell out of her.

With my daughters personality the best way with her is to work with her , she really does well like that.

[Lance01]

The current trend in society is that the majority of houses experience divorce. And within this majority, 90% are single moms who have primary custody. Fathers are most frequently relegated to seeing their kids every other weekend, holidays, and summers--regardless if they want equal time.

 

Women get primary custody because the father's don't fight to uphold 50/50 custody. The Court doesn't award women more parenting time just because they are women.

 

Upon divorce men and women by law are equal to 50/50 custody, however, rmost men opt to take less parenting time usually to avoid a long drown out divorce or to end things amicably which only makes things worse as they pay more in child support and they see less of their kid(s).

Edited July 15, 2017 by Lance01

[aurelius99]

Women get primary custody because the father's don't fight to uphold 50/50 custody. The Court doesn't award women more parenting time just because they are women.

 

Upon divorce men and women by law are equal to 50/50 custody, however, rmost men opt to take less parenting time usually to avoid a long drown out divorce or to end things amicably which only makes things worse as they pay more in child support and they see less of their kid(s).

 

That's factually incorrect. Look up the numbers. Fathers fight all the time. Are you serious? I fought for my kids and still lost against a woman who was arrested for assaulting me with photographic evidence taken by the cops. And here I am, a good father with a good job who contested the custody. What you just said is a common misnotion to ignore the blatant bias in family court. I even know of radical feminists who don't deny this. Yet they say it's not wrong because "well...men have privelages in other areas so it evens out".

 

On PAPER and ON THE RECORD, yes, the legal situation says they don't favor women. But lawyers and judges will tell you the rulings are a completely different story.

 

For facts and perspective on this, watch the brand new documentary called "The Red Pill" by Cassie Jaye (a feminist mind you).

Edited July 15, 2017 by aurelius99

[amaysngrace]

I think you can teach your children whatever lessons you think are important. Mostly children need to know they are loved and accepted for who they are, by both parents, so if you can provide them with love, acceptance and a genuine interest in them as people I think that's the best way to be a good parent.

 

And of course guide them if you see they're going astray but do it with love and you'll be fine.

[somanymistakes]

That's factually incorrect. Look up the numbers. Fathers fight all the time. Are you serious? I fought for my kids and still lost against a woman who was arrested for assaulting me with photographic evidence taken by the cops. And here I am, a good father with a good job who contested the custody. What you just said is a common misnotion to ignore the blatant bias in family court. I even know of radical feminists who don't deny this. Yet they say it's not wrong because "well...men have privelages in other areas so it evens out".

 

On PAPER and ON THE RECORD, yes, the legal situation says they don't favor women. But lawyers and judges will tell you the rulings are a completely different story.

 

 

You want facts and figures?

 

90% of custody cases are not decided by the family courts at all - and in a high percentage of those 90%, the parents simply agreed between them to give custody to the mother.

 

Where parents actually fight it out in court over full custody of a child, studies tend to show that there is not much difference between fathers and mothers. Studies in both Massachusetts and Los Angeles show over half of fathers who sought sole custody in court received it.

 

The overall percentage of fathers with sole custody is low, because most of them don't want it.

 

Of course there are individual cases where things go horribly wrong! Once abuse and lies are involved, once either party can't be trusted to be honest and open, justice gets messed up. I assume she claimed all sorts of horrible things about you (you don't need to tell me, it's none of my business) and I'm sorry about that. However, an individual experience doesn't prove or disprove the larger picture.

[SammySammy]

That's factually incorrect. Look up the numbers. Fathers fight all the time. Are you serious? I fought for my kids and still lost against a woman who was arrested for assaulting me with photographic evidence taken by the cops. And here I am, a good father with a good job who contested the custody. What you just said is a common misnotion to ignore the blatant bias in family court. I even know of radical feminists who don't deny this. Yet they say it's not wrong because "well...men have privelages in other areas so it evens out".

 

On PAPER and ON THE RECORD, yes, the legal situation says they don't favor women. But lawyers and judges will tell you the rulings are a completely different story.

 

For facts and perspective on this, watch the brand new documentary called "The Red Pill" by Cassie Jaye (a feminist mind you).

 

I recognized much of what you were saying was red pill theory. I really think the best red pill resource is the reddit group. Not the movie.

 

I have a question though. I understand you're newly divorced and dealing with all of that, but, if the red pill works and is effective, why all the anger and bitterness? Why so many red pillers still can't get laid? End up MGTOW. Angry, bitter, and frustrated for the rest of their lives.

 

If the knowledge and insight is superior - more enlightened - then it seems to me red pillers should be calm. Secure. Maybe even a little smug.

 

But, all of the angst. Ranting against feminism and women in general. All of the moaning, groaning, whining, and complaining makes me feel that something is missing.

 

What say you?

Edited July 15, 2017 by MidKnightDreams

[preraph]

Actually, in the US, most people share joint custody. Women are insisting on it more and more so they can have a job and a social life as well.

Kids want both their parents unless one of their parents has been really bad to them or always causes problems. Most courts will grant joint custody unless one or the other has addiction issues or something like that.

[aurelius99]

I recognized much of what you were saying was red pill theory. I really think the best red pill resource is the reddit group. Not the movie.

 

I have a question though. I understand you're newly divorced and dealing with all of that, but, if the red pill works and is effective, why all the anger and bitterness? Why so many red pillers still can't get laid? End up MGTOW. Angry, bitter, and frustrated for the rest of their lives.

 

If the knowledge and insight is superior - more enlightened - then it seems to me red pillers should be calm. Secure. Maybe even a little smug.

 

But, all of the angst. Ranting against feminism and women in general. All of the moaning, groaning, whining, and complaining makes me feel that something is missing.

 

What say you?

 

I'm living very happy years of my life right now. Peace and quiet in my own house. Yes I'd like to see my kids more but I did my best and just got a raw deal. And you're correct that I was the target of dozens of accusations which I had to spend disproving instead of using my court time to show why I'm a great dad. (That's a tactic abusers use. They don't even give you the time to breathe and state your case.) All of my accusations were disproven but at the expense of my time.

 

Anyway, even though I'm happy now, I still defend the truth wherever I see lies flying around.