Noah123 Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 14 weeks ago my wife walked out on me and our animal family. She says she's "just been existing" since, trying to work out her feelings etc. Today we had couples therapy and I said I can't go on like this living in limbo. I gave her three options... 1) to move back with me 2) to continue couples therapy with both aiming to get back together 3) or to Seperate properly She said "Seperate officially". Please can some explain this to me, or has she for whatever reason just fallen out of love with me? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Some states have legal separation and some don't. Maybe this is what she means? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah123 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 Some states have legal separation and some don't. Maybe this is what she means? I don't think she means legally yet, but to just give us the official title this is the state of our relationship.... Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 One of your choices was to separate "properly", she opted to separate "officially". Maybe she was just paraphrasing you. I'm not sure it matters. The take-away is that she doesn't want to be with you, at least right now. Your best bet is to leave her alone and work on yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Don't be surprised if there's someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 6, 2017 Share Posted June 6, 2017 Don't be surprised if there's someone else. My thought as well. Maybe if it's an "official" separation she can feel less guilty about another relationship she's in and maybe even make it public. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah123 Posted June 6, 2017 Author Share Posted June 6, 2017 One of your choices was to separate "properly", she opted to separate "officially". Maybe she was just paraphrasing you. I'm not sure it matters. The take-away is that she doesn't want to be with you, at least right now. Your best bet is to leave her alone and work on yourself. I think you're spot on! I'm pretty sure she isn't seeing anyone else but how do I go about leaving alone and work on myself? Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 I think you're spot on! I'm pretty sure she isn't seeing anyone else but how do I go about leaving alone and work on myself? How to proceed depends on the terms of the separation. For example, is this separation in preparation for divorce or is the intention to reconcile? Are you both free to date or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Noah123 Posted June 7, 2017 Author Share Posted June 7, 2017 How to proceed depends on the terms of the separation. For example, is this separation in preparation for divorce or is the intention to reconcile? Are you both free to date or not? I really don't know the answer to any of your questions to be honest. She is all over the place. I guess when we have Couples therapy we need to establish some guidelines? Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Sorry man but she's got a boyfriend. Women only leave like that so they can spend more time with their other man. Check your phone bill. Separation is BS. If you're smart you'll just file. Letting her have control over you (which is what you're going) won't work out well for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 A good couple's therapist or psychologist (I recommend the latter) can drill down to what 'officially separated' means to the person stating it. In relationship terms, generally, it means freedom to pursue other social and sexual options. In legal terms, unless documents of legal separation have been filed with the court and served upon the respondent, it's generally a nothing burger. However, in some jurisdictions, 'official' separation, like ending cohabition and living in separate domiciles and demonstrating other indications of ending the relationship, are required over a period of time to officially and legally divorce. Check your jurisdiction for more information. Beware that she could be going to couple's therapy as a time waster to get her ducks in a row. Watch for who pays for it. If she's not sharing the cost, there's your sign. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 I'm pretty sure she isn't seeing anyone else How many times have I seen someone say this on here, only to come back in a week or two..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 I really don't know the answer to any of your questions to be honest. She is all over the place. I guess when we have Couples therapy we need to establish some guidelines? So, you really do not think she does not have another man? If she did not it would be like 00001% chance of that. It happens just not very often. Does she say that she wants to go to counseling? I am not sure why. Let me tell you what you are going to find out. She has been having an affair for about a year or two. If she is not having it now it is because he dumped her. It was an exit affair, which is why she left in the first place. Chances are that it is still going on. I do hope that you will keep posting about all of this when you find out... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 To answer your question, there's probably going to be some discussion about finances and who gets what pet and a date for coming back for a final decision. Official means family and friends will know. Items will be moved out. Usually isn't a good thing ...sorry man Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted June 7, 2017 Share Posted June 7, 2017 Bypass legal separation and go for divorce. She's not coming back my friend. She only wants to "separate" so she can mess around with the guy she is already cheating on you with, or to look for someone to cheat with. Legal separation means that the couple are suspending the marital relationship and separating finances. It immediately stops her credit activity from affecting you. Once filed, you are no longer liable for any debt she incurs after the separation is filed. But you are still legally married, in that she has rights of survivorship against your property, social security, retirement, etc. It's like divorcing without being completely divorced. If she wants to marry someone else, she will have to legally divorce you first. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 8, 2017 Share Posted June 8, 2017 IMO there's very little difference between all of these phrases that you're twisting yourself into knots about. Separate properly Officially separated Legally separated Informally separated Divorce They're really all the same meaning. She wants the marriage to be over. The only difference is the legal status of the marriage: ie. a piece of paper. Legal separation means that the couple are suspending the marital relationship and separating finances. It immediately stops her credit activity from affecting you. Once filed, you are no longer liable for any debt she incurs after the separation is filed. But you are still legally married, in that she has rights of survivorship against your property, social security, retirement, etc. It's like divorcing without being completely divorced. If she wants to marry someone else, she will have to legally divorce you first. That may be true in some countries/states but it's certainly not true in others. OP, you should see a lawyer to find out the advantages/disadvantages of being informally separated (ie. no paperwork filed), legally separated (separation agreement) or divorced in your jurisdiction. Generally as the above poster mentioned there is no point to being legally separated. It's a middle step on the road to divorce that just adds extra expense and complication to the process. If the marriage is over, it's almost always better to go straight to divorce. And I'm afraid, the marriage is clearly over. Link to post Share on other sites
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