30 yr marriage 2 kids, gone, Isolation....how to cope?

[johngalt1149]

Married 30 years- separated 3, divorced 2 months. Alcoholic wife pulled kids out of school at 15 and 16 because they "didn't like it'. Told my 85 and 86 yr old parents they should be dead (on mothers day). Police at house constantly because of her screaming (always the same "either one of you leaves or you both go to jail"). Daughter attempted suicide. Wife fell in drunken stupor and fractured skull. Expensive bloody divorce. came home to find my safe stolen and cash, went back with police to retrieve it and found her in my bed with someone that makes barely 20% what I earn, a convicted and jailed felon that smokes. An uneducated, untraveled, unsophisticated moron that 3 weeks after meeting she moved into her bedroom next to my 15 yr old son. She went from a new car yearly and all expenses paid to a 20 yr old borrowed car and a $15 an hour job.

Yet I still love her I guess....miss the "honey I'm home". Miss the kids. Miss my life. Didn't get out of bed the first year and a half. Just trying to get motivated to get myself back. Severe "Stockholm Syndrome". They totally isolated me. It's just so hard to move on. Have a fantasy career/life when I work, or moved myself to do something. So many vacuous, vapid women, wastes. Dated easily over 150 women in the last year, some great friends made. No one can replace the 30 year curve though. and such extremes of women. It's just so hard..just venting though terribly depressed.

Edited May 5, 2017 by johngalt1149
addon

[Mr. Lucky]

Dated easily over 150 women in the last year, some great friends made. No one can replace the 30 year curve though. and such extremes of women. It's just so hard..just venting though terribly depressed.

 

johngalt1149, are you in therapy?

 

Because I'll gently suggest the problem is you. If, out of 150 women, you can't find one better than the cheating alcoholic abuser you were married to, then your partner picker is seriously broken.

 

I'd be celebrating my escape, not commiserating over my past...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Hugs.

 

 

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. It will help you understand why you put up with so much garbage from the alcoholic EX.

 

 

Also try to find a local divorce support group. You have a lot of emotional poison you need to process. No sense trying to deal with all that toxic waste on your own. It's OK to get help.

[johngalt1149]

Hey 150 women doesn't mean a lot (3 dates a week). Had affairs with many. Maybe my standards are too high but no one can replace a 30 year memory. Still friends with most. 3 real relationships, 2 very intense. 1 still FWB, 2 still F. I'm a lucky guy but no longer a family man. That's what hurts. still miss the family.

[d0nnivain]

Have you considered joining an Ayn Rand appreciation society?

[johngalt1149]

Lol. Not a lot of people get that FYI. I use it on POF and Match too to weed out the ignorant.

[GorillaTheater]

Kick the psycho drunk out of your head; no point letting her live there rent-free. Instead put your emotional energy into the kids. How are they doing now?

[Mr. Lucky]

Have you considered joining an Ayn Rand appreciation society?

 

I knew I'd heard that name somewhere before! If memory serves me correctly, he's not named until near the end of the book, right? College was a long time ago ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mightycpa]

I knew I'd heard that name somewhere before! If memory serves me correctly, he's not named until near the end of the book, right? College was a long time ago ...

 

Mr. Lucky

As I recall, the question "Who is John Galt" appeared early and often. I think he wasn't revealed until later in the book, and there was some question as to whether he was even real.

 

I'd have to agree with this:

 

If, out of 150 women, you can't find one better than the cheating alcoholic abuser you were married to, then your partner picker is seriously broken.

 

but not with this:

 

Hey 150 women doesn't mean a lot (3 dates a week).

3 DIFFERENT DATES A WEEK FOR 50 WEEKS. That's a lot.

 

this has some merit:

 

but no one can replace a 30 year memory.

 

but shouldn't that memory be a good one? What you describe sounds like chaos. Just because you spend 30 years in prison shouldn't mean you miss it, but maybe most people would.

Edited May 5, 2017 by mightycpa

[johngalt1149]

He was real and mentioned frequently until he "saves " society in the end (required reading in most schools 70 years later, Atlas Shrugged alike 1984 by Eric Blair). Kids traumatized. An 18 year old boy who hasn't left his room in 3 years. No schooling, no GED nothing. But still care for them all.

[johngalt1149]

Look, 150 dates isn't that bad. It is better than being alone. there were 3 relationships, although none exclusive. Bedded a quarter. I'd rather sleep with someone than be alone even if the sex isn't that satisfying. I hate the loneliness. Married 7 years, then 30 means I spent most of my adult life married. The last 5 years were miserable but the first 25 was a fantasy. A lot of international travel all over the world, beautiful boats, planes, theatre, travel. Now at my age they are too young and vacuous but pretty, and often only there to see what I'll buy or take them to (The price of admission) OR they are older and not as appealing or have substantial alimony they don't want to lose by cohabitating. Life is a roller coaster and wifey didn't like that and resented that I controlled the purse since she never worked until the year before I left. I rue the day I left and became alone and catonic. It took a year and a half just to get out of the hotel bed. Now there are alot of women but none hold a candle to my 30 years. Living in the original area we lived in just sparks memories and tears daily. Shes in a different circle and area and I try to do the NC bit but it just hurts so bad. Miss my kids, son hasn't left his room in close to 2 years, no school, no job..nothing but a laptop, cell etc. Neither kids wants anything to do with me and as Mom does, they practice NC even blocked for over a year since I am the monster who won in court.

Edited May 6, 2017 by johngalt1149

[whatnot]

Poor me isn't all you're pouring. If that profile of yours is anywhere near honest, get your azz off this site and get some help. You have too much goin' for you to be doing this to yourself and others. Those kids need somebody they can depend on and trust.

 

You're a long way from John Galt.

 

You know where the help is.

[mightycpa]

He was real and mentioned frequently until he "saves " society in the end (required reading in most schools 70 years later, Atlas Shrugged alike 1984 by Eric Blair)

But wasn't he mythologized by some of the lesser characters in the book or something like that? I sort of remember that the claims made about him were over-the-top legends, not unlike what the "people" said about Mel Gibson's character in Braveheart. That's what I mean by "not real." I could have sworn there were elements of that, but it's been about 30 years, so....

 

Also, I'm not saying 150 is wrong, I'm saying it's a lot. Even in two years, that's very busy pace that doesn't allow for a lot of repetition. Isn't it?

[johngalt1149]

Kids don't want or talk to me (blocked). Help hasn't helped. Still love my 30 years, doesn't appear anyone can change that. The depression is just intense. I miss them so much. 150 doesn't allow much repetition but only way to find "the one" is musical chairs for the moment. Some make it to the 2nd or 3rd date before I realize or they realize (no). Some become relationships, none compare to 30 years. PS: John Galt was not really the hero but more the enlightenment for another path to get away from an entitled nation. Braveheart was fiction (debunked) because Wallace spanned 100s of years after though Richard (longshanks in the movie) the lionhearted was a ruthless king. Rand still has a cult following today (70 years later). I'm sorry whatnot, where is the help? Reflection, healing, bettering myself? How do any of these things help me get my family back? All those things are heartfelt and true but in the end I just want my life back and am hamstrung by my own depressed mind. I've severely curtailed dating to make it just one or 2 for company but more FWB than anything. Can't compare with past.

Edited May 6, 2017 by johngalt1149

[d0nnivain]

I'm so sorry you are estranged from your kids. Try writing them snail mail letters & keeping copies of what you want. At some point in the future when their hearts soften & they want a relationship with dad again, you will have proof that you tried to communicate with them. They will, hopefully, treasure the letters.

 

 

Have you considered getting a pet to combat the loneliness?

[johngalt1149]

I had 2, one died on the day of the divorce settlement, like a bad country western song. The other a 5 lb Pom is my best friend . He/they help but not like sleeping next to my (ex) wife unfortunately. Sometimes the women I sleep with remind me of her in the dark but she is a hard set of shoes to fill.

[d0nnivain]

Oh. I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved pet. What awful timing (not that there is any good time for such a loss).

 

 

Perhaps get a body pillow. It's an imperfect solution but it's something.

[Majormisstep]

30 years is a lifetime. My M was 23 years and I am now coming to terms that it is over...nearly 3.5 years after the split. We had a wonderful lifestyle, the travelling, cars, beautiful house, 2 great kids, over and gone. Some days are ok, some are not. xH is preparing to marry his g/friend who looks a lot like me. Ouch.

 

If I can offer any advice at all, while you are in this mindset, no one will meet your expectations. And I'm saying that in a kind way. Had the exact same experience dating.

 

For recovery, books didn't help much, therapy helped a bit, keeping busy (lord did I keep busy), dating, gym, work, on and on but nothing was an instant fix. The only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other is the possibility of what's out there for ME. Maybe I'll travel alone or in a single's group. Or my kids will have children and I can spoil them rotten. I've moved past the desperate NEED for a man and just started appreciating some of the small things in life. It's a start.

 

We get one shot at this life. It is such a waste wallowing for things we cannot have or are out of our control. You have to look towards the future and not keep clinging to the past. Cliche for sure but that is the only way to shed that cloak of misery.

[johngalt1149]

Must admit, just signed on a few days ago and it is soothing. Gotta thank all. I know I'll work thru it, I hope. It's good to talk. I've done the self help, the therapy, the hobbies. Go out to a play a week, out a lot for dinner with and without company. 3 years separated, 2 months divorced. NC from any of them. No answers, I wish I knew what they were doing. Friends are not a lot of help, different interests and to be frank...NOONE wants to hear me whine anymore, so I'm not all that great company. But I hate being alone. The women are body pillows. I'm lucky, I look 10 years or more younger, in very good shape, well educated, well read, well traveled and when I can get out of bed without crying, fairly successful. But it is all so shallow without my family. I never thought life would be this hard at 59. Thought marriage was forever. My parents at 85 have been married 65 years. It is truly just so hard.

[johngalt1149]

Date for the beach, FWB. Date later for dinner and movie, another FWB, old relationship...just shallow and boring. If I could handle it would be alone, but I can't. Sit alone in a bar with my dog, I hardly drink anymore but at least it's out in public. Rather than stay home and climb walls and cry...

[gia37]

Im sorry for your situation. Pls stop dating, it makes you more lonely. Do everything... I mean everything... to reconnect with the kids. Looks to me that you were in an abusive marriage and you are still codependent, you need to build yourself an identity outside that marriage. You were a family man, now just be a man. No families are forever, nothing is forever, all can change.

 

I was married 17 yrs, it was not a good one, but I have good memories of my kids childhood. I have built a life for myself, 10 years divorced now, I haven't still met the right partner, but I'm sure it will come. Stop criing over the past. 30 yrs is just a number, you can still have a new marriage, it won't be 30 years, but even 1 good year is something! Who cares about 30!

[Mr. Lucky]

Can't compare with past.

 

Can't compare with this?

 

Alcoholic wife pulled kids out of school at 15 and 16 because they "didn't like it'. Told my 85 and 86 yr old parents they should be dead (on mothers day). Police at house constantly because of her screaming (always the same "either one of you leaves or you both go to jail"). Daughter attempted suicide. Wife fell in drunken stupor and fractured skull. Expensive bloody divorce. came home to find my safe stolen and cash, went back with police to retrieve it and found her in my bed with someone that makes barely 20% what I earn, a convicted and jailed felon that smokes. An uneducated, untraveled, unsophisticated moron that 3 weeks after meeting she moved into her bedroom next to my 15 yr old son. She went from a new car yearly and all expenses paid to a 20 yr old borrowed car and a $15 an hour job.

 

The energy you're spending on dating and FWB's would be better allocated working on understanding your need to mythologize the past at the expense of the present - and future...

 

Mr. Lucky

[johngalt1149]

Not to be flippant, but how do I do that? I do not like being alone. Last nights FWB just left (it's 10 am in Ft Laud). At 3Pm someone new will meet me on the beach from POF. 2 very pretty ladies waiting for calls for week dates from Jdate. Had dinner last night at a restaurant near the movie theatre where I used to take family prior to movie. Probably self destructive. All I think about is what is she doing now? How could she destroy a 30 year relationship, no matter how toxic. How could she replace me with a felon moron and put him in a bedroom next to my son (hers)? When I was single it would have been a fantasy lifestyle, now it is just a nightmare I hope to wake up from and find my ex next to me again and communication with my kids. The women are very nice and very friendly but in the back of mind is my past....no amount of reading, therapy, hobbies, exercise, distraction seems to help. No amount of friends slapping me works. Nothing wakes me from being clinically depressed. Even dated a prominent divorce Psychotherapist but didn't want to talk for fear of her running away screaming hysterically. . No one wants to hear me whine so I talk to my dog. Wits end. At least airing in this venue helps a bit.

Edited May 7, 2017 by johngalt1149

[johngalt1149]

2 dates miserable, one a FWB again for yesterday and today. Tuesday someone new. Wednesday someone newer, all gorgeous. But no one replaces the 30 year curve. Beautiful beach day, air show. Vacuous company. Now it's "Captain Jack" again (the Billy Joel song). Dream of ex and kids in a better place. A nightmare. Trying best for the NC, just sucks.

[johngalt1149]

Looking for an email from kids or ex. I know it won't happen so why do I look? How long does the pain and longing take to get over? How do they walk away from 30 years, the kids to walk away from their Dad at 18 and 19? Life just sucks, throw myself into business yet still come home to alone even with hollow dates cursing my ex. Left me for a nothing, yanked kids out of school. Not supposed to even know anything about them all.