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Old 1st May 2017, 1:08 PM   #31
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Sorry, forgot to include this in my previous post.

I want to be alone, and when I say alone I donít mean ďsingleĒ. I have no interest in dating or partying. I mean ALONE. Making decisions for me and me only.
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Old 1st May 2017, 7:34 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by mikeylo View Post
You will understand at a certain age.
Which one? I am not trying to be smart, it is a genuine question. I know people who are single, 21 and miserable (with being single) and people who are single, 55 and say they’ll never get into a relationship again because they're so happy alone. I ask again – isn’t everyone different?

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Originally Posted by Snow7 View Post
Fear of the unknown is not a reason to stay married. I understand all the things you have said all too well.
Thank you for your response, Snow7. I am interested to hear your experience so if you ever feel like sharing with me, please don’t hesitate.

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Originally Posted by WorstFeelingEver View Post
First,you say, you want to BE ALONE___then you post later, you love having people around you???
Yes, people. Not partners.

When I buy a new couch, plan a trip overseas or meet new people on a night out, this isn’t something I have to discuss with, explain, compromise with or get permission from my friends for. With a partner these things are often required (except the permission part, of course).

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Originally Posted by WorstFeelingEver View Post
Iam sorry if I didn't see it in the post, but are you two married, or just in a partnership?
Just in a partnership. I have never been that little girl who dreamt of getting married. I find it unnecessary and antiquated, as does he.

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Originally Posted by WorstFeelingEver View Post
You don't mention of any___physical/verbal abuse towards you, no adultry & nothreatening from him toward you.
This is another thing I’ve never quite understood. It seems to only be acceptable to end your relationship if something horrible is going on. Why is that?

Bottom line: I was 23 without even possessing a fully developed adult brain when we met. I had had a horrible run in my 2 previous relationships and had finally met a man who was a man, not a boy. Fast forward 13 years. Yes, I have enjoyed a wonderful 13 years with him, but in those 13 years I have changed a lot and he has become more like my friend or flatmate. We don’t share the same dreams, we don’t do much together anymore and I have no desire to be intimate with him. I have felt the "nagging" mentioned earlier for a long time. I feel constantly lost because I have never had the opportunity to grow as person on my own, to make my own decisions spontaneous or otherwise, without having to first consider someone else. I remain there in body only. My heart and mind are elsewhere, longing for a life true to myself. Trying to “make it work” would be like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole – try as I may as much as it would be easier if it fit, it just doesn’t anymore.

I know what I have to do so I am not entirely sure why I came on here for advice. Maybe to hopefully see that I am not the only one experiencing this, maybe to be reassured that we only get the one life and I need to do what’s right for me, maybe to find ways to soften the blow, maybe because even though I no longer want to be in a relationship, he is my best friend and the thought of losing him hurts. I don’t know. If I didn't give a hoot about the guy I suppose I wouldn't care about how best to go about it, but I do, very much.

Last edited by LostandLonging; 1st May 2017 at 8:03 PM..
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Old 1st May 2017, 9:08 PM   #33
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Hello again.

Here is a brief synopsis of my experience:

I met my husband in college. We were both very young. After dating for 3 years, we got married. In hindsight, maybe that was foolish but it seemed like a good match- we had attraction, similar values, goals, education level and career ambitions. During the first 6 years of our marriage, life presented several challenges: his mother got sick, it was hard point in our careers, and infertility. I guess my husband felt I didn't support him enough and had some grievances. He did not however communicate these with me. I felt that we were struggling but I thought we would work through it and things would get better.

But they didn't. The way he puts it "he turned away from me". Yup, right into the arms of other women. He claims these were all only emotional affairs (3 that I know of). He just needed someone to talk to, someone he felt understood.

Unfortunately, by the time I realized this, we had a kid, and it was apparent our child had special needs. So I stayed. For years. First bc I thought we would work it out, and then later bc I thought I had to for our kid. I'm not sure why he stayed. Maybe he felt trapped as well.

But being married to someone who doesn't love or want you and doesn't even try to hide it, is soul crushing and finally, I left. I left the big house in the suburbs, the nice vacations,'the financial stability and the social life that came with it. From the outside I'm sure it looked very good. You just have to get to a point where you believe, it can't get any worse.

It's only been a month. I'm in a little house with a tiny yard closer into the city. And surprisingly I'm fine with it. I'm alone. I don't want to be, but hopefully that will change in time. And if it doesn't, well honestly, I was alone before too.
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Old 1st May 2017, 9:17 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by LostandLonging View Post
I've never understood the terror in this. So what if no one is there? Are we not enough?
Maybe. That's for you to answer for yourself.

But do you want to end up alone in your old age? If that sounds like a fun future, have at it.

Or you can talk to your husband, and maybe he'll stop being a selfish fat slob, clean up his **** and lose some weight. Why are you so damn afraid of confronting him?
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Old 1st May 2017, 9:21 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by LostandLonging View Post
Which one? I am not trying to be smart, it is a genuine question. I know people who are single, 21 and miserable (with being single) and people who are single, 55 and say theyíll never get into a relationship again because they're so happy alone. I ask again Ė isnít everyone different?



Thank you for your response, Snow7. I am interested to hear your experience so if you ever feel like sharing with me, please donít hesitate.



Yes, people. Not partners.

When I buy a new couch, plan a trip overseas or meet new people on a night out, this isnít something I have to discuss with, explain, compromise with or get permission from my friends for. With a partner these things are often required (except the permission part, of course).



Just in a partnership. I have never been that little girl who dreamt of getting married. I find it unnecessary and antiquated, as does he.



This is another thing Iíve never quite understood. It seems to only be acceptable to end your relationship if something horrible is going on. Why is that?

Bottom line: I was 23 without even possessing a fully developed adult brain when we met. I had had a horrible run in my 2 previous relationships and had finally met a man who was a man, not a boy. Fast forward 13 years. Yes, I have enjoyed a wonderful 13 years with him, but in those 13 years I have changed a lot and he has become more like my friend or flatmate. We donít share the same dreams, we donít do much together anymore and I have no desire to be intimate with him. I have felt the "nagging" mentioned earlier for a long time. I feel constantly lost because I have never had the opportunity to grow as person on my own, to make my own decisions spontaneous or otherwise, without having to first consider someone else. I remain there in body only. My heart and mind are elsewhere, longing for a life true to myself. Trying to ďmake it workĒ would be like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole Ė try as I may as much as it would be easier if it fit, it just doesnít anymore.

I know what I have to do so I am not entirely sure why I came on here for advice. Maybe to hopefully see that I am not the only one experiencing this, maybe to be reassured that we only get the one life and I need to do whatís right for me, maybe to find ways to soften the blow, maybe because even though I no longer want to be in a relationship, he is my best friend and the thought of losing him hurts. I donít know. If I didn't give a hoot about the guy I suppose I wouldn't care about how best to go about it, but I do, very much.
One cop out after another.

You get out of a relationship what you put into it. Sounds like you and hubby haven't done anything to keep the marriage exciting and fresh. Wow... like 90% of the people out there. You are as much to blame for your funk as he is.

Instead of bailing, why not ask him to go to a marriage coach with you, or goon a couples' retreat?
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Old 1st May 2017, 9:40 PM   #36
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Originally Posted by Cephalopod View Post
One cop out after another.

You get out of a relationship what you put into it. Sounds like you and hubby haven't done anything to keep the marriage exciting and fresh. Wow... like 90% of the people out there. You are as much to blame for your funk as he is.

Instead of bailing, why not ask him to go to a marriage coach with you, or goon a couples' retreat?
I have done it all. In 2014 I was absolutely sick to death of doing things on my own. I didn’t think it was possible to be in a relationship and feel so lonely. I told myself if we came home from one more day out and he went straight on to that computer to work on his business I was out. I was sitting with my bags packed and told him we needed to talk. I went into therapy. I said a lot has to change. 3 years later, it hasn’t. 3 years later I still feel this way. 3 years later the unfulfilled promises remain. 3 years later I still go to bed every night not wanting to touch him. 3 years later I am still giving up my dreams. 3 years later I still feel trapped. Believe me I have ****ing tried despite having no feelings beyond platonic for him, but it all feels so forced.

All this aside, mine is a flame that was never lit. I acknowledge I got into the relationship for the wrong reasons and got too comfortable and take full responsibility for it, but I can't continue like this - for both our sakes.

Last edited by LostandLonging; 1st May 2017 at 9:44 PM..
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Old 1st May 2017, 9:52 PM   #37
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I’m sorry my "cop out" feelings are not good enough for you, Cephalopod, but I am just being honest about how I feel. I am not in love with the man but I care for him very much. Is that what you want to hear? Perhaps you can give me a list of reasons that meet your criteria???
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Old 1st May 2017, 9:55 PM   #38
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Funny thing, I bet we're you able to drag your husband into a real authentic conversation you would find he is as unhappy in this relationship as you.

Also, be care thinking you identify with some here without knowing Thier story.....some have allowed third parties to invade and changed their opinion of the marriage, then rewrote the history as to not accept responsibility. I've seen no evidence you've been involved, but I must admit, I only glanced over some parts of your thread.

Back to the authentic conversation, it may be more mutual than you think.... sometimes when people don't want to spend time with the partner it's because they don't want to spend time with the partner.
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Old 1st May 2017, 10:03 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by Cephalopod View Post
All fine and dandy.....while you are young and have the energy and health to have fun doing all these things. But there comes a day when your body starts to betray you, you can't do all the things you thought were so fulfilling, your world starts to shrink, and then you look beside you and no one is there.
OP is only 37. Also, her husband is almost 20 years her senior. Odds are pretty good she will be alone in about 20 years even if she stays with him when she still has plenty of life left.
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Old 1st May 2017, 10:06 PM   #40
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it may be more mutual than you think.... sometimes when people don't want to spend time with the partner it's because they don't want to spend time with the partner.
Thatís the odd thing. He is still as head over heels for me 13 years in as he was 3 months in. Thatís yet another aspect that makes it so hard. I know how much he adores me. We will fight, Iíll go and stay elsewhere for one night and heíll literally be on the phone to me in tears, telling me how much he misses me. I catch him staring at me and smiling on a regular basis. He still randomly tells me he is ďalways thinking of meĒ. This is totally one sided, trust me. I don't even think he cares about the sex. He is pretty obsessed with porn (which I don't mind but it is often teen this and teen that which kind of bothers me...).
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Old 1st May 2017, 10:09 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by LostandLonging View Post
Iím sorry my "cop out" feelings are not good enough for you, Cephalopod, but I am just being honest about how I feel. I am not in love with the man but I care for him very much. Is that what you want to hear? Perhaps you can give me a list of reasons that meet your criteria???
No list.

I had to piss you off to get some objective information from you. You have a way of glossing over things.

If you have done all you can to improve the marriage, and you have a lazy spouse who's not willing to put in the hard work with you, then you can divorce with a clear conscience. You stepped up but he refused.

I think you should move on and Divorce.
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Old 2nd May 2017, 12:02 AM   #42
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Originally Posted by LostandLonging View Post
Thatís the odd thing. He is still as head over heels for me 13 years in as he was 3 months in. Thatís yet another aspect that makes it so hard. I know how much he adores me. We will fight, Iíll go and stay elsewhere for one night and heíll literally be on the phone to me in tears, telling me how much he misses me. I catch him staring at me and smiling on a regular basis. He still randomly tells me he is ďalways thinking of meĒ. This is totally one sided, trust me. I don't even think he cares about the sex. He is pretty obsessed with porn (which I don't mind but it is often teen this and teen that which kind of bothers me...).
Head over heels? Hardly, what he is is comfortable, sometimes a man's need for comfort and stability can be confused as love....however men in love want to spend time with the woman he loves, wants to be intimate with the woman he loves.

Sounds like you have a husband going through the motions. I bet he is very predictable, and boring.
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Old 2nd May 2017, 1:44 AM   #43
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Originally Posted by Cephalopod View Post
Maybe. That's for you to answer for yourself.

But do you want to end up alone in your old age? If that sounds like a fun future, have at it.

Or you can talk to your husband, and maybe he'll stop being a selfish fat slob, clean up his **** and lose some weight. Why are you so damn afraid of confronting him?

Well considering that her partner is 20 yrs older than her there's a very good chance that she will end up alone in her old age if she stays with him. When she's 60 he'll be 80 if he's even still alive and by then his health will probably be very poor and the OP will be taking care of a sick old man after a life together of no sex, romance, or attraction. Does that sound like a fun future?

There might be some good arguments for the OP staying with her partner but fear of winding up alone is not one of them. For one thing couples rarely die at the same time. In every marriage that last until old age it's very likely that one of the couple is going to end up alone and old. Women tend to fair pretty well being single in their later years. My grandma lived until she was 90, her second husband died when she was 68. She never remarried but she was one of the happiest old ladies I ever met. She traveled, had friends, joined clubs and even had boyfriends. After my stepdad got divorced from my mom he went on to marry his 3rd wife. When he and this wife were both 65 he died from liver failure. His wife was alone for 10 years and then at the age of 75 she remarried.

There are no gaurantees in life. People who have a fear of being alone best face that fear and learn to be at peace in their own skin and in their own company. It's the best gift a person can give to their self. I'm in my 50's and I love my single status and my independence. I might pair up with someone again, who knows what the future holds, but I sure wouldn't be interested in being with someone who was only with me because they were afraid to be old and alone.
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Old 2nd May 2017, 7:18 PM   #44
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Well considering that her partner is 20 yrs older than her there's a very good chance that she will end up alone in her old age if she stays with him. When she's 60 he'll be 80 if he's even still alive and by then his health will probably be very poor and the OP will be taking care of a sick old man after a life together of no sex, romance, or attraction. Does that sound like a fun future?
Thank you for your reply, anika99. You know, it might sound funny but thatís something Iíve never even really thought about before (ending up alone either way as he is so much older than me). I knew he would be retired a few decades before me and that never sat comfortably especially knowing how lazy he is (ďOh hon on your way home from work can you pick these 15 things up for me?Ē) but wow.


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Women tend to fair pretty well being single in their later years. My grandma lived until she was 90, her second husband died when she was 68. She never remarried but she was one of the happiest old ladies I ever met. She traveled, had friends, joined clubs and even had boyfriends. After my stepdad got divorced from my mom he went on to marry his 3rd wife. When he and this wife were both 65 he died from liver failure. His wife was alone for 10 years and then at the age of 75 she remarried.
Yep. Iím not sure why so many people think having no partner = being ALONE. There are so many other things to life.

Having been with him for so long a lot of my friends are much older (50+). One of my closest friends was happily single for 10 years before she met her partner of now 17 years. She is 67 and said she could have easily continued on another 10 years being single, he just happened to come into her life.


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I'm in my 50's and I love my single status and my independence. I might pair up with someone again, who knows what the future holds, but I sure wouldn't be interested in being with someone who was only with me because they were afraid to be old and alone.
Thanks for sharing your story, Anika. Iím very inspired by women like you!
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Old 3rd May 2017, 2:30 PM   #45
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Which one? I am not trying to be smart, it is a genuine question. I know people who are single, 21 and miserable (with being single) and people who are single, 55 and say theyíll never get into a relationship again because they're so happy alone. I ask again Ė isnít everyone different?



Thank you for your response, Snow7. I am interested to hear your experience so if you ever feel like sharing with me, please donít hesitate.



Yes, people. Not partners.

When I buy a new couch, plan a trip overseas or meet new people on a night out, this isnít something I have to discuss with, explain, compromise with or get permission from my friends for. With a partner these things are often required (except the permission part, of course).



Just in a partnership. I have never been that little girl who dreamt of getting married. I find it unnecessary and antiquated, as does he.



This is another thing Iíve never quite understood. It seems to only be acceptable to end your relationship if something horrible is going on. Why is that?

Bottom line: I was 23 without even possessing a fully developed adult brain when we met. I had had a horrible run in my 2 previous relationships and had finally met a man who was a man, not a boy. Fast forward 13 years. Yes, I have enjoyed a wonderful 13 years with him, but in those 13 years I have changed a lot and he has become more like my friend or flatmate. We donít share the same dreams, we donít do much together anymore and I have no desire to be intimate with him. I have felt the "nagging" mentioned earlier for a long time. I feel constantly lost because I have never had the opportunity to grow as person on my own, to make my own decisions spontaneous or otherwise, without having to first consider someone else. I remain there in body only. My heart and mind are elsewhere, longing for a life true to myself. Trying to ďmake it workĒ would be like trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole Ė try as I may as much as it would be easier if it fit, it just doesnít anymore.

I know what I have to do so I am not entirely sure why I came on here for advice. Maybe to hopefully see that I am not the only one experiencing this, maybe to be reassured that we only get the one life and I need to do whatís right for me, maybe to find ways to soften the blow, maybe because even though I no longer want to be in a relationship, he is my best friend and the thought of losing him hurts. I donít know. If I didn't give a hoot about the guy I suppose I wouldn't care about how best to go about it, but I do, very much.
Hi again

From your other posts it seems to me you have tried to let your H know you are unhappy but things remain the same. Even if he was to change and be more attentive to you, lose the weight, etc etc, do you think that would make any difference to how you feel? If not, there's your answer.

I've been having IC and MC over the past few months and have learnt a few things. My situation has a lot of similarities to yours in the fact I've emotionally 'checked out'. I don't honestly think you can make things work once you get into that situation.

Also my counsellor thinks a lot of my issues stem from never figuring out who I am and what I want from my life. In some ways I'm quite codependent when it comes to intimate relationships. She thinks I need to get that stuff sorted before I can truly decide whether my marriage can stand a chance. My H is very patient and is also having IC to figure out what he wants. It's a huge learning curve for us both.

Try picturing yourself in a years time if you leave your husband. Where will you live, what will your life look like? What will you be doing? If you never speak to H again because he's too heartbroken, how will that make you feel?

Try picturing the same but if you stay and really put 110% in to your relationship...what does that look like?

Just things I am thinking about which might help you!
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