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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 28th April 2017, 11:36 AM   #16
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I am a bit of black and white thinker so pardon me if this comes across as insensitive.

In my mind, many people operate on feelings which can be irrational. So, I would suggest that you take a step back and think about the ramifications of calling off a 20 year relationship because of how you feel.

Yes, I understand that you want more freedom and to feel like you're living your own life. But, those feelings may be seriously over-shadowed by hurt, loneliness and regret when it is all said and done.

There will be emotional consequences when you call off a relationship that has lasted for two decades. I imagine those feelings of liberation will be dissipate quickly when the reality of these emotional consequences set in. Especially given the fact that you are in a good relationship...

I would suggest take the advice above and find a way to gain some freedom and individuality while you are still in the relationship. This is one of those rare situations where you can "have your cake and eat it too". You just need to work at it.
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Old 28th April 2017, 3:54 PM   #17
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I wonder if some space would be helpful first? One of my closest friends and I needed to live separately to appreciate each other again. I'm wondering if having your space would help repair some of the relationship.

I'm not sure if you're open to non-traditional relationships but there is a term called 'solo poly' where you don't want to merge households, finances, etc. but you want to maintain relationships. It's used in polyamory but I think the term might be useful to convey what you're looking for even if you don't want to seek out multiple romantic relationships.
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Old 29th April 2017, 1:00 AM   #18
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OP, we only get ONE life. Do you want to spend the rest of your days living an okay life in a passionless relationship with a good guy? Or do you want to live your life doing what you actually want to do - traveling, having adventures, possibly experiencing what it's like to be with someone whose bones you want to jump?

I was about your age when my ex-husband and I split up (we split up under different circumstances). But I had never lived alone in my life. And OMG, the joy I had in decorating my little apartment all by myself! And not having to answer to anyone about where I was going or with whom! I could do anything I wanted! It was a great feeling. Yes, there were times of fear and loneliness. But I loved being able to do what I wanted. And I'm with an amazing guy now who is a much better match for me.

One life, OP. We only get one. How do you want to live the rest of your days?
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Old 30th April 2017, 5:47 AM   #19
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Hi Lost

There are some similarities in your situation as to mine.

I'm 35 and have never been single for any length of time. I have realised that in my relationships I am a giver and tend to go along with what my partner needs to the detriment of myself. I would go as far as saying I lose my identity and unknowingly mould myself into the person that would suit them.

I have been with my husband for 8 and a half years now and our relationship very much reflects how he wants to live. We live in his house, and our life mainly revolves around his business which is also his hobby.

The only way I can describe it is that I'm not living a life that is authentic to me. This is my doing, I understand that, but I have come to realise that it isn't making me happy. Someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years and I had no idea, because I have no goals or dreams that relate to me and my life.

My relationship isn't bad - it's 'fine' and I could stay with him for the rest of my days and live an OK life, fairly happy but with the nag in the back of my head telling me im not being true to myself.

The fact that things are OK makes it harder to leave. We don't argue, we get on well but there's no real intimacy or emotional depth. I've come to realise, through IC and MC and a lot of self reflection, that I need more. I haven't left my marriage yet as want to be sure, but I feel I'm moving closer to that point.

Try reading the book 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which gives some interesting things to think about.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for
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Old 30th April 2017, 9:37 AM   #20
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Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. TALK to your partner and tell him your feelings and fears. He might just surprise you.

Don't blame your unhappiness on your marriage. Put the blame where it lies: on you. If life is steamrolling you, then learn a way to assert yourself and follow your passions....within your marriage.

Divorce is awful. There is absolutely nothing positive about divorce. And if you throw away your marriage without doing everything you can to save it, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

Be honest with your husband and give him a chance to show you he can support your aspirations.
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Old 30th April 2017, 11:08 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by rushed View Post
OP, we only get ONE life. Do you want to spend the rest of your days living an okay life in a passionless relationship with a good guy? Or do you want to live your life doing what you actually want to do - traveling, having adventures, possibly experiencing what it's like to be with someone whose bones you want to jump?

I was about your age when my ex-husband and I split up (we split up under different circumstances). But I had never lived alone in my life. And OMG, the joy I had in decorating my little apartment all by myself! And not having to answer to anyone about where I was going or with whom! I could do anything I wanted! It was a great feeling. Yes, there were times of fear and loneliness. But I loved being able to do what I wanted. And I'm with an amazing guy now who is a much better match for me.

One life, OP. We only get one. How do you want to live the rest of your days?
All fine and dandy.....while you are young and have the energy and health to have fun doing all these things. But there comes a day when your body starts to betray you, you can't do all the things you thought were so fulfilling, your world starts to shrink, and then you look beside you and no one is there.
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Old 30th April 2017, 4:24 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by LostandLonging View Post
Thank you all for your contributions.

I didnít want to mention this at first because I thought people might latch on to it and not pay much attention to anything else Iíve said and/or think Iím an awful ogre, but Iíve never been attracted to my partner physically. When I met him he gave me safety and security and always has, however sex has been a chore for as long as I can remember, leading to a completely sexless relationship for the past 5 years or so. Itís odd, we still get along so well and enjoy one anotherís company thoroughly. There is never any hostility or snarky remarks about the lack of sex, but it certainly feels like much more of a friendship.

The hard part is I have no DESIRE to work on it. I am not attracted to him and itís as simple as that. No amount of ďspicing upĒ or therapy is going to ignite a spark that was never lit.

I donít want to go sleeping around with people (REALLY), but I donít want to be in a sexless relationship with someone either. Am I just holding on to him for the safety still?
So safety and security, as in financial stability? Sounds a lot like the man has been used for the past decade. Just tell him it's no longer working for you, and let him go to find someone who will (hopefully) hook up with him for the right reasons (attraction, love, companionship). I certainly wouldn't want to be with anyone who described sex with me as having always been a chore

No reason to drag this out any longer, you were never 'all in'.
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Old 30th April 2017, 8:21 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Aloneuk View Post
Hi Lost

There are some similarities in your situation as to mine.

I'm 35 and have never been single for any length of time. I have realised that in my relationships I am a giver and tend to go along with what my partner needs to the detriment of myself. I would go as far as saying I lose my identity and unknowingly mould myself into the person that would suit them.

I have been with my husband for 8 and a half years now and our relationship very much reflects how he wants to live. We live in his house, and our life mainly revolves around his business which is also his hobby.

The only way I can describe it is that I'm not living a life that is authentic to me. This is my doing, I understand that, but I have come to realise that it isn't making me happy. Someone asked me where I see myself in 5 years and I had no idea, because I have no goals or dreams that relate to me and my life.

My relationship isn't bad - it's 'fine' and I could stay with him for the rest of my days and live an OK life, fairly happy but with the nag in the back of my head telling me im not being true to myself.

The fact that things are OK makes it harder to leave. We don't argue, we get on well but there's no real intimacy or emotional depth. I've come to realise, through IC and MC and a lot of self reflection, that I need more. I haven't left my marriage yet as want to be sure, but I feel I'm moving closer to that point.

Try reading the book 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' which gives some interesting things to think about.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for
Thank you so much for your response, Aloneuk. I take no joy in your situation but itis nice to know Iím not alone as I certainly do feel it.

Wow, similar is right! Ė he also has a business he runs from home which too is his hobby. He spends so much time on it and our house is an absolute mess because of all of his stock (something he promised me wouldnít happen when we moved as our old spare bedroom had turned into a room full ofhis stock as well). He cannot seem to find the time to get groceries or spend an evening out with me but this he has all the time in the world for.

There are moments when, as I spend my weekends standing beside him holding the shopping basket while he fills it with stock for his business, I ask myself if this is really my life. What happened to my plans? To my adventures? Is this it?

Then I think it is me? Am I just a horrible selfish person with no appreciation for him running his business for us (although it is his hobby and his choice and not at all necessary for us financially)?

For over a decade it has been promises to lose weight, promises to clean up, promises that heíll ďget around to itĒ but nothing ever happens. Meanwhile I watch the best years of my life slipping away, forced to do so much alone because his weight prohibits him (not out of any medical reason but because he is embarrassed Ė yet will not seek to eat well or start exercising). We have nothing in common anymore. I am always off riding bikes, going to the beach, picnicking and going to the gym (all done alone) while he stays at home. I am not hateful of him as he hasnít been a bad person to me, but I do feel a sickening resentment sometimes Ė for myself more than anyone.
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Old 30th April 2017, 8:26 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by springy View Post
So safety and security, as in financial stability?
Certainly not. I have always been self sufficient financially. Safety and security as in feeling loved. Thanks to an alcoholic father who put me down incessantly, my self confidence is incredibly low and I have always latched on to the first man who paid any attention to me, terrified no one else will love me. I know, I know, counselling. I have been there and still feel as I do.
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Old 30th April 2017, 8:31 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by Aloneuk View Post
The only way I can describe it is that I'm not living a life that is authentic to me. This is my doing, I understand that, but I have come to realise that it isn't making me happy.
This reminds me of a quote from "Eat, Pray, Love" that spoke to me. I've not seen the movie or read the book but a friend sent the quote to me:

Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland.

Last edited by LostandLonging; 30th April 2017 at 8:33 PM..
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Old 30th April 2017, 8:39 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Cephalopod View Post
then you look beside you and no one is there.

I've never understood the terror in this. So what if no one is there? Are we not enough?
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Old 30th April 2017, 8:40 PM   #27
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My relationship isn't bad - it's 'fine' and I could stay with him for the rest of my days and live an OK life, fairly happy but with the nag in the back of my head telling me im not being true to myself.
Oh geez. I know that nag all too well. I wake up every day happy, content, but also feeling like Iím in a dream. Like I have slipped into someone elseís life and Iím living theirs instead of mine. Like I have no other choice.

I am thinking of you, Aloneuk. Please feel free to message me anytime.
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Old 1st May 2017, 8:38 AM   #28
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I've never understood the terror in this. So what if no one is there? Are we not enough?
You will understand at a certain age.
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Old 1st May 2017, 9:26 AM   #29
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Just do it.

Fear of the unknown is not a reason to stay married. I understand all the things you have said all too well.
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Old 1st May 2017, 1:07 PM   #30
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---OP says: My partner is a WONDERFUL person who has always treated me with the utmost respect and caring. He has done absolutely nothing wrong, I feel though I am the one who has changed.

--OP says: Oh I absolutely donít want to isolate. I love having people around me



______why is it, that women are never happy with the guy they are with?

First, you say, you want to BE ALONE___then you post later, you love having people around you???

I am sorry if I didn't see it in the post, but are you two married, or just in a partnership?

just my 2 cents:

I don't see anything wrong in your relationship with your partner, as to how he treats you. You say he treats you with UTMOST respect and he is caring. You don't mention of any___physical/verbal abuse towards you, no adultry & no threatening from him toward you.___IDK___There is an age difference between you two, that you have known about for a decade___maybe he doesn't have the energy to keep up with you for bike rides, walks, etc... You need to keep in mind, at his age, your body tends to slow down.

Since you 2 have been together for many years, & if you care for him___instead of walking away___ maybe try telling him how you feel, that you want to experience other things in life, instead of living the way you are, i.e.___everything about him & his "hobby & stocks" and you are serious that if he does not change his way of living, (EXAMPLE---tell him he can do his job/hobby/stocks, during the day, but say after, 5:00pm weeknights and on weekends, it's the 2 of you together to do things outside of his hobbies/stocks) then you tell him, you will leave him, move out and live on your own.

Good Luck with you decision.
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