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Should I leave my wife? Or am I overreacting?


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Hello all not sure what to do here now that I am older I will explain after.

 

I'm a 43 year old man been with wife for 15 years been married almost 10 years have a son with her and a older son with ex wife.

 

My wife and I have our issues but I have been bothered by a few things lately and not too sure what to do because I lack self confidence. In the past if I felt like this I would have ended it and walked away because I respected myself more. Thus the ex wife!

 

I have been having sex issues meaning not getting it nearly enough and only usually happens when I initiate it. Sometimes it is great sometimes it is bad for both of us. She rarely gives me a hug or kiss for no reason when she does it is a shock not sure what to think of it.

 

I have a few things that stick with me and I am not sure if I am ignoring it because I have no confidence or if I am over reacting. Leaning more towards no self confidence. I was never in great shape but over the last few years I have put some pounds on due to injury to back and some other health issues but i should be doing something about it.

 

These are my issues and I am wondering what I should do.

1. last summer went to a friends party some guy was there good looking guy and nice and all. She gets drunk and was totally all over him he was married and his wife was there too. She looked at this guy like she use to look at me like she didn't care if I was there or not she would slept with him. She didn't do anything but it was that look and I seen it and I was pissed! Now in the past I would have left her immediately, she may not have cheated but I have no doubts if I wasn't there and she could have she would have, that is how strong that look was and she didn't even care I was there and seen it. I told her I didn't like it and she half heart apologized for hurting my feelings but didn't seem to bug her too much.

 

2. recently we were at another friends place where er usually get together with a few couples and have some fun and she was trying to go to bed early and I was kinda bugging her why and I asked why was she even with me still because she doesn't seem happy herself and she replied "financially it makes sense" ??? I kinda lost it and poured my beer in her face and walked away. I was going to leave right then and end it but the next day she said it because she knew it would hurt my feelings.

 

Now I am no fool maybe I am just afraid to leave I am thinking the signs are all there but not sure what to do. I love her I really do but not to sure where she stands I ask myself, do I trust her? NO does she act like she loves me? No and then I ask why the hell am I still here?

 

:confused:

 

Am I over reacting and should I try to work this out or should I look at the signs for what they are and start the separation?

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whichwayisup

You need to sit down and have a talk with her and ask her how she truly feels about you and if she's still happy being married to you. Be honest and speak from your heart, tell her how you feel etc. and then go from there. To just up and leave/divorce without talking it out or trying marriage counseling would be a shame.

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I have spoke with her about it ans she knows it bothers me and she just kinda tries to change the subject. We went to a marriage counselor about 3 years ago and it seemed that counselor was thinking we had too many problems. I wonder if she is afraid to be on her own as I am? I should have more self respect than I do I don't think she has cheated on me but in the same sense I have no doubts of a good looking guy was alone with her she would cheat, no doubt what so ever! I normally wouldn't stay if that was the case. I would try counseling again and thinking it might be a good idea. It is almost like I know deep down she is not happy and neither am I but 15 years is a long time to let go of and I do love her but love is a 2 way street! Im 43 I want to live my life with someone who loves me back. I know life is not perfect and you have your problems but I don't feel the love at all I feel used now even though im not rich lol!

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Get a different marriage counselor. There are serious issues here but they can be worked out.

 

 

Get your temper under control too. If my husband poured a beer in my face in anger / frustration there would be no marriage to fix. I'd be gone in light of that violence.

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It is not violence and I should be gone in light that her answer was she was with me for financial reasons. Violence is hands on hurting someone getting some beer in the face is far from violent! I have never physically touched my wife nor would I. Nobody is perfect but violent i am not!

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Pouring beer in her face is considered abusive behaviour unless it's a drinking game. You are giving her more reasons to leave you. Don't let your actions justify her behaviour. Keep your nose clean and see the bigger picture.

 

She might be cheating on you. Stay cool and investigate. Just play happy families for a while until you are satisfied nothing is going on.

Edited by smi11ie
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somanymistakes
It is not violence and I should be gone in light that her answer was she was with me for financial reasons. Violence is hands on hurting someone getting some beer in the face is far from violent! I have never physically touched my wife nor would I. Nobody is perfect but violent i am not!

 

It is an assault, and you have a quick temper and a tendency to leap to conclusions and take rash actions.

 

You might benefit from individual counselling.

 

Is it possible that she doesn't love you, or that she's cheating on you with someone else? It's always possible. However, from what you've told here, you don't seem to have any evidence at all, other than a feeling that once, when she was drunk, she looked at someone else with lust in her eyes.

 

Seriously, that's it? That's your evidence? And on the grounds of that, you would previously have immediately walked out of a relationship without even talking about it? That is not healthy behavior.

 

You seem to have strongly internalised defensive behavior as "self respect". Self respect is a great thing. However, knee-jerk reactions and breaking things off quickly sounds more like fear than self-respect. You don't want to be vulnerable, so you frantically withdraw in order to avoid even the possibility of being hurt.

 

 

Whether you leave your wife or not, I really think you should talk to a counselor about the way you react to things. What you think of as strength can actually be destroying your ability to be happy.

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Simple Logic
Throwing a drink on somebody is classified as criminal assault.

 

Really? Where? Provide the statute section fron the state.

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somanymistakes
Really? Where? Provide the statute section fron the state.

 

Google search: is throwing a drink at someone assault

 

Provides a long list of information, including stories of people being arrested for assault for throwing a drink in someone's face

 

To get more specific we'd first need to know what state the incident happened in to begin with.

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It is not violence and I should be gone in light that her answer was she was with me for financial reasons. Violence is hands on hurting someone getting some beer in the face is far from violent! I have never physically touched my wife nor would I. Nobody is perfect but violent i am not!

 

I'm sorry you have having problems in your marriage. If you feel your wife is using you for your money and you want to divorce her you can do that. But throwing a drink in her face for saying something you didn't like is unacceptable behavior.

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You don't respect yourself, so how would you expect her to respect you, then?

If you divorce, believe me, you will start working out and put some efforts to be in a better shape. So, why wouldn't you try now? It's not only the physical shape it's also your mental shape.

 

No other woman will desire a man who neglect himself as you said you do. You probably know that, but expect your wife to want you only because you have the marriage paper? You need to invest love and efforts, and to try to gain your wife's love on a daily bases, and you will do it with the women you'll date after divorcing your wife.

 

You got the point, right?

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  • 2 weeks later...
It is not violence and I should be gone in light that her answer was she was with me for financial reasons. Violence is hands on hurting someone getting some beer in the face is far from violent! I have never physically touched my wife nor would I. Nobody is perfect but violent i am not!

 

Don't forget about the double standards of being a man. If she did it to you, you are a pig and probably deserved it. You doing it to her is violent and aggressive.

 

Whatever you think it is, it doesn't look good to others and a divorce attorney can blow it out of proportion.

 

Be careful, she might be the type of woman that will push your buttons to make you mad and react negatively for their gain. I had a long relationship with a women that did stuff like that. She even started hitting me and I grabbed her wrists so she would stop. She claimed assault.

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Simple Logic
Google search: is throwing a drink at someone assault

 

Provides a long list of information, including stories of people being arrested for assault for throwing a drink in someone's face

 

To get more specific we'd first need to know what state the incident happened in to begin with.

 

Assualt involves the causing or attempt to cause physical harm. Throw acid on someone you have assault, a glass of water, no way that case is being prosecuted in the US.

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OatsAndHall
It is not violence and I should be gone in light that her answer was she was with me for financial reasons. Violence is hands on hurting someone getting some beer in the face is far from violent! I have never physically touched my wife nor would I. Nobody is perfect but violent i am not!

 

You poured a drink in your spouse's face.. Your spouse of ten years.. And now you are making excuses for it. In pubic no less.

 

If you're wondering why things are going south, you have your answer right there.

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Whether it is considered criminal assault or not, throwing a beer in someone's face is bad behavior and I would never tolerate that kind of behavior from my partner.

 

There are many issues in your marriage and you have both been engaging in behavior that is hurtful and disrespectful. If you want to save the marriage, your first stop should be counselling. But, only if you are both committed to the marriage. Otherwise, I would say that you really need to think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage...

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Depending on the jurisdiction, assault absolutely need not involve bodily harm. In fact, usually​ that would be treated as an aggravated form of the offence.

 

Regardless, throwing beer in your spouse's face is terrible behaviour. What's worse is that OP thinks it is no big deal.

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Regardless...

 

To answer your original question.

 

Yes, you should leave her yesterday.

 

There is a lot that you don't know about I am betting.

 

It is wrong of you for letting yourself go, and you know that you need to do something about that.

 

But yes, with that level of disrespect you should have already left.

 

I would have done the same thing, BTW.

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  • 2 weeks later...
jjgitties

Seems like there are lots of issues. Throwing a drink in someones face is not the way to behave. Whether it 'cause physical harm or not is not at issue. Whats at issues is that is a form of violence. It's also very embarassing. Just place yourself in someone elses shoes. Imaging if you witnessed a couple in pubic at a restaurant and one of them threw a drink in the others face. Neither individual comes across as a winner. They both come across as losers. Dont do it. It sounds like you have a violent streak in you and you need to come to terms with it and work on it.

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