Wife needs space. I've [messed] up..

[lanilord]

Hello,

 

Right now I'm devastated with this whole situation. I've been happily married for 7 years, with our anniversary coming up next month. We've been together for almost over 11 years now. I'm 30 Y/O BTW, she is 31.

 

A month ago, my wife decided to tell me that she needs space to re-think if she loves me. It came by a total surprise. I never saw it coming.

 

The story starts 5 years ago when I did something very stupid wich obviously broke her heart or left an opened wound. To make the story short, she caught me masturbating while I was watching the naighbours having sex together. It totally broke her heart. She thinks that I've cheated on her for doing such a thing. I've told her that 95% of males masturbate and that in that moment, I felt like if I was watching porn, which I truly was thinking that way.. Everytime I masturbate I think about her, even while watching porn. I obviously admit my mistake, and tell her that it would not happen again, People change and learn from mistakes, but she says that something inside of her is broken. In that moment, we lead our lives, forgot about the situation and moved on. Apparently this now, is not the case.

 

I'm a very commited husband, during this entire relationship I've always loved her with all my heart. Never cheated on her, nor thought about it ever. I love this woman with my entire soul that it hurts so much.

 

Now this situation has exploded, and she now wants the "Space" thing. We've been arguing this past month a lot, I've been crying every day, can't sleep, think, eat, live.

 

I've decided to look for a room for some months and give her the space she wants, but now I dont know if that will just end everything. I ask her if she still loves me but she doesn't reply, or she will tell me that she doesn't know. She will just say that she needs some time for herself and space to see if she can heal her wound. She won't even give me any signs of hope. She will stick to the:"I can't tell the future to know what will happen".

 

This is killing me and I don't know how to react, sometimes I just think that I'm pushing her, or making things worse by being soooo damn sad all the time. BTW, she is really sad too. It's like a spiral that never ends. Somewhat toxic. In bed when we sleep, if I hug her she will take away my arm apart from her, or if I kiss her or tell her how much I love her, she will tell me that I'm asphyxiating her or overwhelming her. It's a total fu&&ing hell !!!! It's killing me because this behaviour has happened from a day to another. One day everything was fine (at least for my eyes) and the other day this entire bull sh...

 

She recently graduated from Uni, and found her first job as an engineer (6 months ago), we now hardly see eachother in the week. Only Saturdays and Sundays. I don't know if this might be overwhelming her as well. Her job is pretty hard, and has had several encounters with workers.

 

I'm so freaking confussed at this point and freaking out that I don't know what to do.

 

If anyone wants to give their 5 cents.... I will appreciate it a lot.

 

Let's see if I can get some sleep, I sometimes feel sooo damn guilty for all this, .....

 

Thank you!

[Marc878]

Do not leave your home!!!!!!

 

If she wants space tell her to leave.

 

Better check your phone bill. Smells like another man involved.

 

Crying begging and pleading is the worst thing you could do.

 

Better wake up quick

[Marc878]

Hello,

 

Right now I'm devastated with this whole situation. I've been happily married for 7 years, with our anniversary coming up next month. We've been together for almost over 11 years now. I'm 30 Y/O BTW, she is 31.

 

A month ago, my wife decided to tell me that she needs space to re-think if she loves me. It came by a total surprise. I never saw it coming.

 

The story starts 5 years ago when I did something very stupid wich obviously broke her heart or left an opened wound. To make the story short, she caught me masturbating while I was watching the naighbours having sex together. It totally broke her heart. She thinks that I've cheated on her for doing such a thing. I've told her that 95% of males masturbate and that in that moment, I felt like if I was watching porn, which I truly was thinking that way.. Everytime I masturbate I think about her, even while watching porn. I obviously admit my mistake, and tell her that it would not happen again, People change and learn from mistakes, but she says that something inside of her is broken. In that moment, we lead our lives, forgot about the situation and moved on. Apparently this now, is not the case.

 

She's using this to justify her actions nothing more

 

I'm a very commited husband, during this entire relationship I've always loved her with all my heart. Never cheated on her, nor thought about it ever. I love this woman with my entire soul that it hurts so much.

 

Now this situation has exploded, and she now wants the "Space" thing. We've been arguing this past month a lot, I've been crying every day, can't sleep, think, eat, live.

 

Separation is usually to make room for her other man

 

I've decided to look for a room for some months and give her the space she wants, but now I dont know if that will just end everything. I ask her if she still loves me but she doesn't reply, or she will tell me that she doesn't know. She will just say that she needs some time for herself and space to see if she can heal her wound. She won't even give me any signs of hope. She will stick to the:"I can't tell the future to know what will happen".

 

Never leave the home!!!!!

 

This is killing me and I don't know how to react, sometimes I just think that I'm pushing her, or making things worse by being soooo damn sad all the time. BTW, she is really sad too. It's like a spiral that never ends. Somewhat toxic. In bed when we sleep, if I hug her she will take away my arm apart from her, or if I kiss her or tell her how much I love her, she will tell me that I'm asphyxiating her or overwhelming her. It's a total fu&&ing hell !!!! It's killing me because this behaviour has happened from a day to another. One day everything was fine (at least for my eyes) and the other day this entire bull sh...

 

Cut the needy, clingy act. The more you chase the further they move away. This just makes you look weak and pathetic

 

She recently graduated from Uni, and found her first job as an engineer (6 months ago), we now hardly see eachother in the week. Only Saturdays and Sundays. I don't know if this might be overwhelming her as well. Her job is pretty hard, and has had several encounters with workers.

 

I'm so freaking confussed at this point and freaking out that I don't know what to do.

 

If anyone wants to give their 5 cents.... I will appreciate it a lot.

 

Let's see if I can get some sleep, I sometimes feel sooo damn guilty for all this, .....

 

You didn't cheat and that incident years ago has nothing to do with what's going on here. You'd better wake up

 

Thank you!

 

She's probably projecting on you what's he's been up to

[somanymistakes]

It's possible that she's upset about the sex thing. It's possible she's cheating.

 

However, the most likely culprit here in my opinion is that she's going through a big change in her life. She just graduated from uni and got a job. She is seeing herself in a whole new light. Whether that is making her feel overwhelmed and stressed or making her feel confident and powerful, she feels different. She is re-examining her life now, and she is not sure that your wife is the person she wants to be anymore.

 

Giving her space in a whole other home is really just a first step to divorce, because she will probably find that she can live without you and decide to do just that. If you want to save your marriage, try to give her a little breathing room within the home and get to marriage counselling so you can talk about what's going on with her and help her discover what she really wants, WITH you as an active partner.

[Simple Logic]

Hello,

 

Right now I'm devastated with this whole situation. I've been happily married for 7 years, with our anniversary coming up next month. We've been together for almost over 11 years now. I'm 30 Y/O BTW, she is 31.

 

A month ago, my wife decided to tell me that she needs space to re-think if she loves me. It came by a total surprise. I never saw it coming.

 

The story starts 5 years ago when I did something very stupid wich obviously broke her heart or left an opened wound. To make the story short, she caught me masturbating while I was watching the naighbours having sex together. It totally broke her heart. She thinks that I've cheated on her for doing such a thing. I've told her that 95% of males masturbate and that in that moment, I felt like if I was watching porn, which I truly was thinking that way.. Everytime I masturbate I think about her, even while watching porn. I obviously admit my mistake, and tell her that it would not happen again, People change and learn from mistakes, but she says that something inside of her is broken. In that moment, we lead our lives, forgot about the situation and moved on. Apparently this now, is not the case.

 

I'm a very commited husband, during this entire relationship I've always loved her with all my heart. Never cheated on her, nor thought about it ever. I love this woman with my entire soul that it hurts so much.

 

Now this situation has exploded, and she now wants the "Space" thing. We've been arguing this past month a lot, I've been crying every day, can't sleep, think, eat, live.

 

I've decided to look for a room for some months and give her the space she wants, but now I dont know if that will just end everything. I ask her if she still loves me but she doesn't reply, or she will tell me that she doesn't know. She will just say that she needs some time for herself and space to see if she can heal her wound. She won't even give me any signs of hope. She will stick to the:"I can't tell the future to know what will happen".

 

This is killing me and I don't know how to react, sometimes I just think that I'm pushing her, or making things worse by being soooo damn sad all the time. BTW, she is really sad too. It's like a spiral that never ends. Somewhat toxic. In bed when we sleep, if I hug her she will take away my arm apart from her, or if I kiss her or tell her how much I love her, she will tell me that I'm asphyxiating her or overwhelming her. It's a total fu&&ing hell !!!! It's killing me because this behaviour has happened from a day to another. One day everything was fine (at least for my eyes) and the other day this entire bull sh...

 

She recently graduated from Uni, and found her first job as an engineer (6 months ago), we now hardly see eachother in the week. Only Saturdays and Sundays. I don't know if this might be overwhelming her as well. Her job is pretty hard, and has had several encounters with workers.

 

I'm so freaking confussed at this point and freaking out that I don't know what to do.

 

If anyone wants to give their 5 cents.... I will appreciate it a lot.

 

Let's see if I can get some sleep, I sometimes feel sooo damn guilty for all this, .....

 

Thank you!

 

Sounds to me like she been in the reorganize mode until she completed school and now it time for the split. Doubtful you will reverse a well laid plan.

[Purepony]

Yo sounds like my ex

Got her new job as a teacher now she's gone !

Not even 90 days later she's seeing a guy "who owns his own company "

I'm guessing this is her out and she's using what happened as an excuse

[JuneL]

Was your wife more upset about your intrusive behavior toward the neighbors? How were you able to watch your neighbors having sex?? It was a big violation of their privacy!

 

Hello,

 

Right now I'm devastated with this whole situation. I've been happily married for 7 years, with our anniversary coming up next month. We've been together for almost over 11 years now. I'm 30 Y/O BTW, she is 31.

 

A month ago, my wife decided to tell me that she needs space to re-think if she loves me. It came by a total surprise. I never saw it coming.

 

The story starts 5 years ago when I did something very stupid wich obviously broke her heart or left an opened wound. To make the story short, she caught me masturbating while I was watching the naighbours having sex together. It totally broke her heart. She thinks that I've cheated on her for doing such a thing. I've told her that 95% of males masturbate and that in that moment, I felt like if I was watching porn, which I truly was thinking that way.. Everytime I masturbate I think about her, even while watching porn. I obviously admit my mistake, and tell her that it would not happen again, People change and learn from mistakes, but she says that something inside of her is broken. In that moment, we lead our lives, forgot about the situation and moved on. Apparently this now, is not the case.

 

I'm a very commited husband, during this entire relationship I've always loved her with all my heart. Never cheated on her, nor thought about it ever. I love this woman with my entire soul that it hurts so much.

 

Now this situation has exploded, and she now wants the "Space" thing. We've been arguing this past month a lot, I've been crying every day, can't sleep, think, eat, live.

 

I've decided to look for a room for some months and give her the space she wants, but now I dont know if that will just end everything. I ask her if she still loves me but she doesn't reply, or she will tell me that she doesn't know. She will just say that she needs some time for herself and space to see if she can heal her wound. She won't even give me any signs of hope. She will stick to the:"I can't tell the future to know what will happen".

 

This is killing me and I don't know how to react, sometimes I just think that I'm pushing her, or making things worse by being soooo damn sad all the time. BTW, she is really sad too. It's like a spiral that never ends. Somewhat toxic. In bed when we sleep, if I hug her she will take away my arm apart from her, or if I kiss her or tell her how much I love her, she will tell me that I'm asphyxiating her or overwhelming her. It's a total fu&&ing hell !!!! It's killing me because this behaviour has happened from a day to another. One day everything was fine (at least for my eyes) and the other day this entire bull sh...

 

She recently graduated from Uni, and found her first job as an engineer (6 months ago), we now hardly see eachother in the week. Only Saturdays and Sundays. I don't know if this might be overwhelming her as well. Her job is pretty hard, and has had several encounters with workers.

 

I'm so freaking confussed at this point and freaking out that I don't know what to do.

 

If anyone wants to give their 5 cents.... I will appreciate it a lot.

 

Let's see if I can get some sleep, I sometimes feel sooo damn guilty for all this, .....

 

Thank you!

[springy]

Do not leave your home!!!!!!

If she wants space tell her to leave.

 

Better check your phone bill. Smells like another man involved.

 

Crying begging and pleading is the worst thing you could do.

 

Better wake up quick

 

Agree. The incident from 5 years ago is a convenient excuse. Sorry this is happening to you.

[Poppyolive]

I agree with above posters. She is using this hurt in coverup for something else going on. It's totally fine if she was hurt by the incident five years ago. But the way she is behaving tells me it's much more than that. She's got you in a nice, unassuming position. Something has changed. I just wish she could be more honest and transparent with you. You don't deserve the contempt, disregard and heartbreaking hurt.

 

If she wants space then she should go. If i were you I'd let her go. Try to remain unruffled and somewhat understanding of her request. Then get together and talk. Im hoping she is just overwhelmed and needs to breath. Or at least sometime to figure out her thoughts and put them into words.

[BluesPower]

No she is having an affair, no doubt...

 

Mark is right, start checking your phone bill. Check her phone.

 

And all the crap about you JO to her neighbors is just that crap.

 

She is screwing someone without a doubt.

 

And dude, is this marriage your first relationship ever or what?

 

Stop being clingy and crying good grief. You never show weakness to a woman ever. Do you not know that?

 

What should have happened it this: When she said she needed space, you should have said, "Oh, OK. So where are you going to be living during our separation".

 

Right now you are sickening to her with all of your crying and pleading. And the next time she gets to screw her other man, they are going to laugh about how much of a weak man you are.

 

So look, stop all of that now. Let her know that she is welcome to leave today if that is convenient. And have her move out of the bed room in the morning. Take back your life.

 

Start your detective work and you will find out she is cheating. Then you can decide if you want to stay with her or not...

 

WAKE UP...

[lanilord]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I really doubt she is cheating on me. Or has ever been. I just think that now she knows that she can live alone, is more powerful and is kind of sick of me.

 

I cant stay home because I cant pay the rent on my own.

 

I'll try to talk her in to counseling and give her more space at home. And see where this goes.

 

Thanks

[lanilord]

JUNEL: they did it on purpose.

Edited March 27, 2017 by lanilord

[PegNosePete]

I really doubt she is cheating on me.

Do you know how many people say that in their threads here?

 

Almost 100%.

 

And do you know how many of them later find out that they were cheating after all, and come back here saying "you guys were right all along..."?

 

100%.

 

Sorry dude. She IS cheating on you. Your story shows all the classic signs of an affair in progress, that we see on here day in, day out. Everyone thinks they are different, that their wife would never do that. Everyone thinks they are the exception to the rule, but very, very few are.

 

As the other say, you need to wake up pretty quick.

[mikeylo]

Hello,

 

Right now I'm devastated with this whole situation. I've been happily married for 7 years, with our anniversary coming up next month. We've been together for almost over 11 years now. I'm 30 Y/O BTW, she is 31.

 

A month ago, my wife decided to tell me that she needs space to re-think if she loves me. It came by a total surprise. I never saw it coming.

 

The story starts 5 years ago when I did something very stupid wich obviously broke her heart or left an opened wound. To make the story short, she caught me masturbating while I was watching the naighbours having sex together. It totally broke her heart. She thinks that I've cheated on her for doing such a thing. I've told her that 95% of males masturbate and that in that moment, I felt like if I was watching porn, which I truly was thinking that way.. Everytime I masturbate I think about her, even while watching porn. I obviously admit my mistake, and tell her that it would not happen again, People change and learn from mistakes, but she says that something inside of her is broken. In that moment, we lead our lives, forgot about the situation and moved on. Apparently this now, is not the case.

I'm a very commited husband, during this entire relationship I've always loved her with all my heart. Never cheated on her, nor thought about it ever. I love this woman with my entire soul that it hurts so much.

 

Now this situation has exploded, and she now wants the "Space" thing. We've been arguing this past month a lot, I've been crying every day, can't sleep, think, eat, live.

 

I've decided to look for a room for some months and give her the space she wants, but now I dont know if that will just end everything. I ask her if she still loves me but she doesn't reply, or she will tell me that she doesn't know. She will just say that she needs some time for herself and space to see if she can heal her wound. She won't even give me any signs of hope. She will stick to the:"I can't tell the future to know what will happen".

 

This is killing me and I don't know how to react, sometimes I just think that I'm pushing her, or making things worse by being soooo damn sad all the time. BTW, she is really sad too. It's like a spiral that never ends. Somewhat toxic. In bed when we sleep, if I hug her she will take away my arm apart from her, or if I kiss her or tell her how much I love her, she will tell me that I'm asphyxiating her or overwhelming her. It's a total fu&&ing hell !!!! It's killing me because this behaviour has happened from a day to another. One day everything was fine (at least for my eyes) and the other day this entire bull sh...

 

She recently graduated from Uni, and found her first job as an engineer (6 months ago), we now hardly see eachother in the week. Only Saturdays and Sundays. I don't know if this might be overwhelming her as well. Her job is pretty hard, and has had several encounters with workers.

 

I'm so freaking confussed at this point and freaking out that I don't know what to do.

 

If anyone wants to give their 5 cents.... I will appreciate it a lot.

 

Let's see if I can get some sleep, I sometimes feel sooo damn guilty for all this, .....

 

Thank you!

 

Sometimes people react differently. Since it wasnt resolved and rather 'forgotten' , its coming back to haunt her. She probably chose to 'forget ' as dealing with it was more traumatic.

 

Before hiring a private investigator or divorce attorney, I would suggest that go MC. Her unresolved feelings of the incident are coming back now.That could be a possibility.

[PegNosePete]

Her unresolved feelings of the incident are coming back now.That could be a possibility.

A very remote possibility IMO. Much more likely she's cheating and using that incident as a convenient reason for separation without having to confess. Or if caught she will justify the affair using that incident "you cheated on me so...".

[todreaminblue]

i feel what you are doing by staying put and going to marriage counselling is the best option to save your marriage....its really th eonly one....after five years i definitely feel this should have been dealt with and moved on from..if you have never cheated on her its something that could have been dealt with and left behind.....deb

[lanilord]

I think she is not cheating on me. She is from Venezuela, we live in Spain, she tells me that she wants to go live with her mother in Venezuela, doesnt want to stay here anymore.

 

It's more the fact that her unresolved feelings are hunting her at this moment, and maybe feels she is not with the right guy. It totally sucks because for one mistake (as silly as I think it could be) I have to pay for it so hard. If I would have caught her doing something like that, we would have had a conversation, and I would have forgiven her, just because we are human and sometimes mess things up, its our nature. And for me, this is not even close to cheating. But we all are different and think different.

 

I just hope that one day, she will look back and realize that what we had was true. and just for one silly mistake, everything was dropped down the drain. I include myself in this, I take part in my resposibility.

 

I've told her that it would be great to go MC, but only if she wants to, I cant push someone to love me or to do whatever I want. Told her that when she's ready or willing to go, just say so.

 

Thank you all for your advices, I just feel that now, I've been devoting 100% of my time to someone for 11 years, and its time to start loving myself more than before.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's more the fact that her unresolved feelings are hunting her at this moment, and maybe feels she is not with the right guy.

 

Assuming you're correct, those are two very different issues. And as others have indicated, she's justifying her exit plan by reaching back 5 years to catching you with your pants down. Had that not occurred, she'd simply use some other piece of revised history to nail you with.

 

If she does indeed flee home, lawyer up and move on with your life, there's really no other choice. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lionlover1973]

I dunno.

 

Some would file your prior actions as 'Voyeurism' and some would say that IS cheating in itself. Turn the tables - would you find it acceptable for your wife to willingly and knowingly masturbate in front of another man who was peeping through her window from afar?

 

Looking at some of the reasons women pursue separation (from research articles):

 

1. They feel taken for granted and overly responsible for the relationship.

2. They keep having the same argument with their partner.

3. They’re not satisfied with their sex lives.

4. They don’t talk and emotionally connect with their husband like they used to.

5. They’ve outgrown their partners.

6. They get to the point where divorce is the only way to put themselves first again.

Other research articles suggest:

 

1. Infidelity

2. Incompatible

3. Drinking/Drug Use

4. Grew Apart

5. Personality problems

6. Lack of communication

7. Physical or mental abuse

8. Loss of love

9. Not meeting family obligations

10. Employment problems

 

 

Something obviously triggered a reactionary response on her part. I don't think any of us can know what is going through your wife's mind so a marriage counselor would be your best course of action at this juncture, I think.

 

Good luck!

[Marc878]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

I really doubt she is cheating on me. Or has ever been. I just think that now she knows that she can live alone, is more powerful and is kind of sick of me.

 

I cant stay home because I cant pay the rent on my own.

 

I'll try to talk her in to counseling and give her more space at home. And see where this goes.

 

Thanks

 

Most betrayed spouses think that upfront.

 

Check your phone bill

[whichwayisup]

Was your wife more upset about your intrusive behavior toward the neighbors? How were you able to watch your neighbors having sex?? It was a big violation of their privacy!

 

If their curtains were open and the lights were on, that's not a violation. I think anybody would watch!! Maybe not all would jerk off to it but certainly many would watch for a little bit.

 

If she willing to throw away the marriage over this one incident either she has insecurities herself and it made her feel unloved, not sexy in your eyes or she's cheating or maybe it did just gross her out, but now she is using this as an excuse to move back to her home country.

[Fdb]

1. They feel taken for granted and overly responsible for the relationship.

2. They keep having the same argument with their partner.

3. They’re not satisfied with their sex lives.

4. They don’t talk and emotionally connect with their husband like they used to.

5. They’ve outgrown their partners.

6. They get to the point where divorce is the only way to put themselves first again

 

This is exactly how I feel......

Divorce can come from accumulative disappointment and repeatedly try and fail.

[lanilord]

Update.... I hate to say this. But all you guys were right. She left a day ago, and my surprise. I check the phone bill and wala!!! HEARTBROKEN DUDES!!!! REALLY.. THIS FREAKING LIFE IS SHIZZZZZZ.... NEVER EVER FALL IN LOVE.. IT DOESNT LAST FOREVER!!!!

[BluesPower]

Update.... I hate to say this. But all you guys were right. She left a day ago, and my surprise. I check the phone bill and wala!!! HEARTBROKEN DUDES!!!! REALLY.. THIS FREAKING LIFE IS SHIZZZZZZ.... NEVER EVER FALL IN LOVE.. IT DOESNT LAST FOREVER!!!!

 

So now you understand...

 

You are only about the 1 millionth customer that has come back and said that.

 

Now you can start being real and posting about how you feel and how you are doing.

 

Hang in there, I wish, wish, wish, we had been wrong...

[Mr. Lucky]

Update.... I hate to say this. But all you guys were right. She left a day ago, and my surprise. I check the phone bill and wala!!! HEARTBROKEN DUDES!!!! REALLY.. THIS FREAKING LIFE IS SHIZZZZZZ.... NEVER EVER FALL IN LOVE.. IT DOESNT LAST FOREVER!!!!

 

Understand that the cheating and deception up to this point is on her.

 

But now that your blinders are off, anything from this point forward is on you. And that would include any ill-advised attempts to sweep this under the rug and resume the relationship.

 

Start thinking about what you want. Sorry this has happened...

 

Mr. Lucky