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How do you divorce someone you love?


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 30th April 2005, 5:54 PM   #1
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How do you divorce someone you love?

I honestly don't know how I could love a man who treats me this way, but I do. My H and I have been married almost 13 years and have two children together. A few years ago he filed for a divorce and me and our children moved away. During this time he was having an affair with a woman he met at work. After a few months of being separated and going through a divorce he called me and wanted to talk. He said after we moved away he said he realized afterall he didn't want the divorce and he was going to break it off with the other woman. I still loved him and wanted the marriage to work but there had to be many changes. We tried working on our marriage but continued to stay separtated. I told myself if things started getting bad again by our next anniversary I would continue with the divorce so we put off reconciling. Well, things seemed to be going great and I was happy, he was happy and the kids were. Shortly after we celebrated our first anniversary back together he started acting like a jerk again. Today, he was taking a nap in his recliner and the kids wanted to watch their homemade video so we sat down to watch it. Ds was being extremely funny so I laughed and I woke H up and he said "I'm gonna kick your f@cking mouth in!" I gave him a dirty look and silently told him to go to he!! so my kids wouldn't hear it and walked away and ignored him. I continued to ignore him even when he tried to be nice (no, he didn't tell me he was sorry for what he said). Why should I speak to him when he talks to me like that? My kids and I finally left to get away from him for awhile (what my counselor adviced me to do).

Ds told me in private that I should divorce him. Why did I get back with this man? I still loved him when I agreed to make the marriage work. I still love him and I honestly can't see my life without him but his verbal abuse is bull*****! We have tried marriage counseling in the past, it didn't work for him, or he didn't try to make it work. He went on medication for his anger problems but stopped taking them and refuses to take them anymore. He is destroying me, and our kids. I know I need to divorce him, it's the right thing to do. God didn't put me on this earth to be treated like this. Sometimes I wonder if the first time H filed for a divorce and having an affair was God getting me out of a terrible marriage and then I do something so stupid and take him back. I prayed several times a day asking God to give me an answer what to do, but I never got that answer, not until it was too late. I don't know why or how I can love a man who treats me and our children like this. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to be married to him, but his verbal abuse I can no longer handle. Do I just realize that he will never change and get a divorce, is it the right thing to do for my children? I know it has to be. I know if I do get divorced I honestly can't see getting married again. I just don't know if I can trust another man after being in this crappy marriage for so long. I don't care to ever get married again. At times I think I would rather be treated like this rather than single ( I do stand up for myself, I don't let him control me, ect). I hate this. When I am seriously thinking about divorce he starts acting like a decent person and then a few weeks later he is being a pr!ck again.
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Old 30th April 2005, 9:41 PM   #2
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Re: How do you divorce someone you love?

Quote:
Originally posted by Guest
He is destroying me, and our kids. I know I need to divorce him, it's the right thing to do. God didn't put me on this earth to be treated like this. I don't know why or how I can love a man who treats me and our children like this.
You answered your question yourself.
After divorce we all feel like we'll never love and trust anyone or god forbid get married again. To those ass holes that destroy our lives??? Never!!!
Well luckily time cures everything and in a couple of years after the divorce you're a new woman and ready to date and love. You suddenly discover that your ex doesn't represent the whole male population.
You'll love again and you'll be hurt again. It's life. But you must move on if you think that the divorce is the right thing. Will you be financially okay?
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Old 30th April 2005, 11:14 PM   #3
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Re: Re: How do you divorce someone you love?

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Originally posted by RecordProducer
You answered your question yourself.
After divorce we all feel like we'll never love and trust anyone or god forbid get married again. To those ass holes that destroy our lives??? Never!!!
Well luckily time cures everything and in a couple of years after the divorce you're a new woman and ready to date and love. You suddenly discover that your ex doesn't represent the whole male population.
You'll love again and you'll be hurt again. It's life. But you must move on if you think that the divorce is the right thing. Will you be financially okay?
Thanks RecordProducer for your reply. I still love him, and I was hoping and praying that he would change, but he doesn't. I tried to make this marriage work, he just isn't trying. He does tell me he feels like a crappy husband and father and sometimes he gets depressed and ask me why he acts like this and how he can change. I have told him to take his medication but he says he doesn't want to take drugs, he wants to change w/o the drugs. He has also been in counseling (while were separated) and his counselor gave him information on controlling anger. He read it and followed it for several months but then started back in again.

As for financially ok, nope, I wont be. And he wont be either. When we were separated I was getting alimony and child support and I was making more from that than what my full time job was paying me. Since then he got a new job making almost $6.00 less an hour (when he moved here) . There is no way he could pay child support and be able to pay his rent, utilities, food, and gas. I can get on housing and food stamps again but I still wont be ok financially. I know I shouldn't care if he is screwed for money but when our children go see him during their visitations I don't want them staying in a dump and that will be the only thing he can afford to live in.

I honestly don't want a divorce, I want him to treat me better. When we were separated I was miserable. The only part I was happy about is having a clean house b/c he wasn't here to lay his crap everywhere. I can't talk to my family or friends about this b/c they will just say "I told you so." My sil told me she was worried that I would go back to the same marriage I was in before the separation and that I wouldn't say if things were bad because of what they all might think. Sometimes I think back and wonder where I would be now if I had just let the marriage end. Sometimes I wish he would of never called me back wanting the marriage to work, yet I am happy he did. Things were so good the first year we were back 2gether and then it went to ***** again.
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Old 1st May 2005, 12:49 AM   #4
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Hi. I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your husband. As someone who grew up in a verbally abusive household, I would say to get away from him for your kids' sake. The negative effects on them are long-lasting. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for them. Once you are gone, then you can begin to try to understand why you loved him. You don't need to know the answer to that before you leave. Good luck!
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Old 1st May 2005, 3:25 AM   #5
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Definately get away from him, for the kids' sake more than yours (but for yourself too). If the kids keep seeing you in that situation, unhappy, taking his crap, they will learn that this is the proper way for a marriage to work, and will carry it forward into their own lives - especially if you do not make a change and show them that it is not ok. The only way these guys ever change (and even then it usually doesn't work) is to get serious help for themselves, and he has shown you by not taking his meds and not getting counselling for his anger problems anymore that he is unwilling to make a a real commitment to do that, and the commitment he made to do that before was only to placate "the wife" so he could get you back where he wanted you again. You know what you need to do, even if it hurts. Don't fall for the "I'll change" bit again if you have already given him 100 chances before. They all say that, always - it's part of the "cycle of (emotional) abuse" Google cycle of abuse if you don't know what I'm talking about.

By the way, the acting like a decent person for a few weeks only to have him start acting like a prick again is called the "honeymoon period" in the "cycle of abuse". Yes, there is even a name for it. You need to get out, unless you really want to stay on his roller coaster ride from hell forever, and let your kids see that this is the proper way to treat a significant other (or be treated by one), so they can find someone just like him, or even worse, act like him to their significant others when they grow up. You really should not let that happen.

Also don't assume you will always be alone. Leaving jerks like your husband does not have to be a choice between being alone, and being with someone like that. There are a lot of men out there who do not have this problem, who do not need to push women around and ack like pricks just to gratify themselves or make themselves feel important. You must believe that, because it is true. (As a side note, when you feel you are ready to start dating again, you will want to google how to spot an abuser (emotional, physical, or otherwise) on the first date. There are a lot of good ways you can spot these guys before you get serious with them, and if you take measures to try to spot them, you can probably avoid ending up with another one, even though it is true that often women who have been with a guy like this end up with another. You can avoid that by educating yourself on how to spot them fast).

It is also absolutely not a choice between being with him and being without your kids. Get a good lawyer. It will be hard, but in the long run, it will be ok. Once you get free of him, have as little contact with him as possible, and do not let him get inside your head by having long talks with him about the way things were, the good times, or getting back together. Make a break, and stick with it. These guys are often masters at manipulating the women they have verbally and emotionally abused for so long. Only you know if he knows how to punch your buttons. If he does, don't give him access to your keyboard once the break has been made!

Most women with men like your husband, unfortuantely do go back (this is the devil I know, I'm afraid of the unknown, I don't want to be alone, he will take my kids, etc. etc. etc.). Any excuse to go back to the abuser. Get away from him, and stick with it. Do it for your kids, if you can't do it for yourself!

Last edited by WithOrWithoutYou; 1st May 2005 at 3:42 AM..
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Old 8th May 2005, 3:09 PM   #6
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I hate so much to admit it but I'm in a similiar situation. I keep asking myself WTH did I get back w/ him AFTER I got away from him the first time? I keep asking myself WTH is wrong w/ me? I feel so stupid, I got away the first time, and now I am back in the same boat I was in b4. I knew I shouldn't of trusted him to change, b/c I lost that trust when he had an A. I know now (especailly after today) that I NEED to get out. I don't even care about the child support anymore. I don't care if I have to live on welfare anymore. As long as I am happy, and my kids are happy, that is all that matters. My H is a verbally, and physically abusive SOB who doesn't deserve to have us. I tried to make this M work after his A, but it's not, I know what I have to do. I'm freaked though b/c I don't know how to pay for another lawyer. I still owe money to my last lawyer when H filed for a D the first time. I know I am co-dependent on H, and that is why I am scared to get a D. I want to break that co-dependent bullcrap and find the strength to get the heck out of this M.
How the hell do you make him leave? I have told him so many times to pack his things and leave but he refuses. He did this crap that last time too and wouldn't leave. The only way I got him to leave the first time we were separated was when he was having an A. He had a reason to leave, her.

Guest, sorry, I know what you are going through. I wish I had some advice for you, but I don't. You have gotten some great advice. I will follow it myself no matter how hard it is. Stay strong, I know how hard it is.
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