Is it too much to ask (as a betrayed spouse)?

[csad]

I told my wife I want a divorce.

 

Some of you might read my story before. In short, my wife had an affair, ended now. We are now trying to reconcile and she’s been quite remorseful. However, these are things bugging me:

 

- She’s reluctant to quit her job. I’m actually ok with her getting back to work for now, because she would officially get promoted very soon which is a big achievement for her. Throughout our marriage, I’ve been always supportive to her career like this (and what I got in the end is an affair!). What I ask is she stays until she gets all that and then quit because her company is not supportive to us during this time, and staying there is a huge trigger thing to both of us about what happened.

 

- As we are working with MC, the issue that my wife's feeling for me is lost even before the affair comes back, and now she is questioning even her feeling when we got marriage. What she describes now is that it was so rational, not emotional, that she accepted me because I was good and she would have a stable life with me. Nowhere she said she loved me at that time. That was like the final drop to me. I know exactly how we were at that time and it’s definitely not rational, I was her first lover and lots of time we got so emotional, we split a couple times but got back together quickly, as if we couldn't stay no-contact for a day. Now it’s like she is denying and questioning everything we had before. I told her that even if we work out our marriage this time, one day in the future she will come back and question everything and I won’t be able to take it. So we need to separate to spare me from any further pain in the future.

 

To my point of view, the only chance for our marriage is that she loves me unconditionally to help me get over this affair, and that she would do whatever I ask her to do to make me feel safe and secure. I’m not going to ask her to do crazy thing, but I want to see her willingness to do everything for me and our family at this time. So far she gives me control of all her phone and pc, always reports to me where she goes and our of work she always go out with my daughter. But I just don't see that "do everything I ask" spirit, I mean her reasons all sound right, I have to admit, and the counselor agreed too. However, I still don’t feel satisfy. Is what I’m asking too much?

[aileD]

No it's not too much to ask.

 

Keep in mind the former WW is dealing with her own shame and issues related to the affair too. They tend to want to rug sweep which is NORMAL. Doesn't means he doesn't love you or want to work on it, it's just a defense mechanism and it needs to be worked thru in MC.

 

She rewrote history. My h did the same. It's so easy to do from fantasy Affair -land.

 

Love is an action not a feeling. Even if marriage was just a transaction ( you know it wasn't) her actions now can create love and intimacy. Which is the ultimate goal right?

[elaine567]

- She’s reluctant to quit her job.

 

 

But I just don't see that "do everything I ask" spirit, I mean her reasons all sound right, I have to admit, and the counselor agreed too. However, I still don’t feel satisfy. Is what I’m asking too much?

 

I get you wanting her to quit her job as her affair was with her boss and handing over her "freedom" comes with the territory of being a remorseful WW, but to "do everything I ask" sounds unsustainable to me.

What are you asking her specifically to do here?

[d0nnivain]

I think asking her to quit her job is too much. Especially if she's in line for a promotion. Encouraging her to get another job at a different company is one thing but to take away her source of financial independence is a step too far. If the OM works with her & I understand why you are uncomfortable with her working there but you can't expect her to just stop working. I also don't know what you mean when you say the company is not supportive of your marriage. It's a business. It doesn't care about your marriage. It cares about its bottom line.

 

 

If she is questioning her feelings for you & saying that she lost feelings for you, there may be no hope for the marriage. If you were her 1st lover, I presume the OM was her second. She now & probably for the 1st time has basis for comparison. Work with your MC but sometimes you just can't go back.

 

 

Good luck.

[kgcolonel]

csad, I am hearing two things here.

 

1. you do not feel your wife is fully committed to you and to the marriage. It sounds as though she has admitted this at least through her "re-written" historical recollection.

 

2. she doesn't know how committed to you and the marriage she is, at least here she's probably being honest, funny coming from a WW fresh from an affair.

 

My suggestion to you is to think long and hard what if anything you need from her (specifically) to help you recover from her betrayal and give that to her during one of your MC sessions. If she can give you this, then great but if she can't, game over.

 

Secondly, she and only she can decide if she's back in the M. You can't rationalize or reason with her to re-engage....if she done, she's done. I agree with the AleD in that she's still dealing with what she's done to you and to the family and it may take her some time to come to terms with her betrayal and the damage she's caused.

 

Are you willing to give her that time?

 

One last note here, don't cause her to leave her work....whether at her current position or elsewhere. If you divorce, you'll come out better if she's employed than if she's unemployed.

[LilyMila]

- As we are working with MC, the issue that my wife's feeling for me is lost even before the affair comes back, and now she is questioning even her feeling when we got marriage.

She is rewriting marital history. Its common for the cheating spouse.

She’s reluctant to quit her job. I’m actually ok with her getting back to work for now, because she would officially get promoted very soon which is a big achievement for her.

That is a lot to ask of someone because if the marriage doesn't work out, how will she support herself? Society places a lot pressure on women. We are suppose to have careers and family. If she quit her job, and the family part doesn't work out, what will she have? She lost out on both.

To my point of view, the only chance for our marriage is that she loves me unconditionally to help me get over this affair, and that she would do whatever I ask her to do to make me feel safe and secure.

I used to think true love is unconditional, but that's a bunch of bull. Love is always conditional. Even the love for your child can be conditional, meaning there is a line he/she can cross (different for everyone) and make you no longer trust/care/love that person.

[aileD]

I agree to not push the work issue.

 

But I believe that if there is true healing, in time, she will be drawn away from that job anyway.

 

My H worked with his AP for awhile. She doesn't work there now but it's still a hornets nest for him....she has friends there, could show up at any time, etc.

 

My H wants to get out if there and I didn't even have to ask him to. We are stuck right now because it's not smart to leave a job before you have another lined up. I did that 7 months ago and I'm still unemployed and we filed bankruptcy and that's more stress on our already fragile recovery.

 

She should prove herself to you, yes, but don't discount all the other things she's doing just because she won't leave her job.

[csad]

Sorry for the confusion, I didn't ask her to stay at home but to find another job instead, which is fairly easy here.

 

Currently, she reports to a higher level boss, but since the new boss didn't follow the work initially, he asked her to still work (email) with the OM but cc to him. I think it's ok for a week or two, until the new boss can pick up, but it's been like that for almost 2 months. Original plan was the OM staying there till mid April for transition, but now the company wants him to extend his stay. I don't feel comfortable when they are still at the same company even though I'm quite confident that they haven't been contacted ever since outside of work (the company HR also warns them). That's why I say the company is not supportive. I know they only care for their ass, so I want to care for mine!

[d0nnivain]

If you can be OK with her leaving after she gets a new job then I'm fine with it. Asking her to voluntarily be unemployed even for a while as she searches for a new job could hurt her chances of landing one. So I revise my opinion, with those caveats, if the job contributed to the affair by all means you can press for her to work elsewhere.

[Mr. Lucky]

To my point of view, the only chance for our marriage is that she loves me unconditionally to help me get over this affair, and that she would do whatever I ask her to do to make me feel safe and secure. I’m not going to ask her to do crazy thing, but I want to see her willingness to do everything for me and our family at this time. So far she gives me control of all her phone and pc, always reports to me where she goes and our of work she always go out with my daughter. But I just don't see that "do everything I ask" spirit, I mean her reasons all sound right

 

What are some of the things you've asked her to do that she's been reluctant or refused to consider?

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolablue17]

She’s reluctant to quit her job. I’m actually ok with her getting back to work for now, because she would officially get promoted very soon which is a big achievement for her. Throughout our marriage, I’ve been always supportive to her career like this (and what I got in the end is an affair!). What I ask is she stays until she gets all that and then quit because her company is not supportive to us during this time, and staying there is a huge trigger thing to both of us about what happened.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's attitude. But I must say it's pretty predictable according to your behavior.

 

If your wife cheated on you with her boss, you should let her to understand that it's something extremely terrible that you can't continue with regular life after that, and a HUGE change must be applied.

 

Instead of this, by your actions you're projecting that nothing is urgent, everything is ok, you have patience. You're projecting that her 'well being' (her promotion) is much more important than the cheating, much more important than your feelings, and much more important than her commitment to her marriage.

 

If I were you, I would demand her to quit today, insisting that her quitting does not promises her that I will not divorce her. I would expect her to resign and to sacrifice a lot only for getting a chance with me. If you had done that, she would have gotten the message that she can't mess around with you, that she must work very hard to prove you that she deserves you.

 

But when you do the opposite, what exactly do you expect? By your behavior you teach her that there are thing in higher priority, and she, like a good student, listens, learns and behaves according to that. I think that you actually caused her to behave like she does.

 

If you would had done what you should, it could have been also a test to see if she really loves you. Because only a loving wife would sacrifice so much just for the chance. You should raise your price my friend, because right now you're offering yourself very cheap.

Edited March 12, 2017 by lolablue17

[S2B]

Your wife should have considered her long term consequences when she considered cheating.

 

Whatever YOU want now - she SHOULD be willing to change to offer you peace of mind.

 

Since she cheated with her boss - I would have thought she would have quit the minute you found out.

 

Of course she should quit! If she looses her kiddos she worked hard to get at work - tough $hit. She cheated and she's bound to loose a few niceties from cheating.

[S2B]

Sorry for the confusion, I didn't ask her to stay at home but to find another job instead, which is fairly easy here.

 

Currently, she reports to a higher level boss, but since the new boss didn't follow the work initially, he asked her to still work (email) with the OM but cc to him. I think it's ok for a week or two, until the new boss can pick up, but it's been like that for almost 2 months. Original plan was the OM staying there till mid April for transition, but now the company wants him to extend his stay. I don't feel comfortable when they are still at the same company even though I'm quite confident that they haven't been contacted ever since outside of work (the company HR also warns them). That's why I say the company is not supportive. I know they only care for their ass, so I want to care for mine!

 

You say she lets you know where she goes and her passwords - but you must recognize she could easily be cheating while she's at work.

 

What does she say when you say quit immediately? As in...right now!

[Roommate]

She CHEATED on you. She does not know if she loves you.

 

One of the conditions to stay married is her "unconditional love".

 

What is going to be different now? Did she make a mistake? Blame game - something aint working.

 

I would say SPLIT. Once cheating happens the Marriage is NEVER the same - always a taint - that is my experience. Trust is broken and she is not sure she loves you. Sounds not good.

 

Sorry to be brutal - maybe I am more pessimistic than most.

 

If it was me and I was thinking clearly (i.e., still in love so I would be biased) - SPLIT.

[csad]

She is rewriting marital history. Its common for the cheating spouse.

 

That is a lot to ask of someone because if the marriage doesn't work out, how will she support herself? Society places a lot pressure on women. We are suppose to have careers and family. If she quit her job, and the family part doesn't work out, what will she have? She lost out on both.

 

I used to think true love is unconditional, but that's a bunch of bull. Love is always conditional. Even the love for your child can be conditional, meaning there is a line he/she can cross (different for everyone) and make you no longer trust/care/love that person.

 

God I forgot about "rewriting history". I read about it in cheater script before. Thanks for reminding me. I've always thought that my wife is unique, whatever good or bad she does. Need to stop thinking like that!

[Marc878]

If she has contact with OM the affair will likely continue. Plus there can be no R with him still somewhat in the mix.

 

Which is worth more the marriage or her job? Pretty black and white.

 

I tank you have your answer. File and find someone worthwhile

[Friskyone4u]

If you can be OK with her leaving after she gets a new job then I'm fine with it. Asking her to voluntarily be unemployed even for a while as she searches for a new job could hurt her chances of landing one. So I revise my opinion, with those caveats, if the job contributed to the affair by all means you can press for her to work elsewhere.

Csad

When your wife decided to have sex with her boss her career and promotions become collateral damage that are the consequences of her actions , not yours. And now you're being given advice to just suck it up and let her spend all day long with her OM with him being extended as her boss for who knows how long. That is a bunch of crap and any infidelity book you can buy will tell you that that is the last thing you need to be dealing with . Especially when you are saying she can get another job easily . So she cheats and you are

Not to interfere with her career . If she was R materiAl , she would not want to be putting you in this position.

How do you ever feel safe in this situation?? Or I guess some

Think her career is the primary issue here .

 

You can apparently afford for her to spend a little time out of work, and maybe working on herself instead of sitting at her desk

A few feet from OM.

 

Divorcing or not is your decision but if you want out of infidelity she does not get to keep working with her boyfriend

[csad]

The MC we've been working with was actually ok with her getting back to work. She basically sides with my wife on this. Their reason is that I cannot control her 24/7, and if I had decided for R, then let her be free, it is what it's meant to be. I am not satisfied with that but anyway, the "rewriting history" is the major one that's killing me.

 

The hardest part of the divorce is the child custody part. My daughter is only 2 years old, it's hard to imagine not seeing her everyday. Yesterday some books I bought for her were delivered from Amazon that brought a lot of tears in my eyes.

 

Any of you here were actually WS who are confident that you are truly remorseful? What do you think?

[BluesPower]

Look, you just have to man up and realize that she DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

 

She said it many times in your previous post. Your wife is not really sorry for the affair and she is in no way remorseful.

 

If he is still working there, they are still seeing each other, no doubt about it.

 

It is time for you to get out of this marriage. Trust me, you will ruin your life trying to nice a woman into loving you. You will ruin your life loving a woman that does not love you. It causes nothing but pain.

[elaine567]

I told my wife I want a divorce.

 

What did she say?

[csad]

What did she say?

 

She doesn't have a say, I didn't ask. In the end she asked me to give her more time to build trust. However, I told her the marriage can only be saved if it is rebuilt from both our love to each other. Once that condition is not there, there's no way.

 

A little background. My wife's family was not a happy one and the urge of her being independent financially originated from such situation. That is why I always support her in her career. She loves her work so much. Again, I'm not happy with her being back at work, but I am 99% sure that they haven't been in contact with each other since. I sync with the OMW very often. After we decided for reconciliation, I also have applied some techniques to make sure. The company HR put a warning to both of them after D-Day ...

[whichwayisup]

She doesn't have a say, I didn't ask. In the end she asked me to give her more time to build trust. However, I told her the marriage can only be saved if it is rebuilt from both our love to each other. Once that condition is not there, there's no way.

 

A little background. My wife's family was not a happy one and the urge of her being independent financially originated from such situation. That is why I always support her in her career. She loves her work so much. Again, I'm not happy with her being back at work, but I am 99% sure that they haven't been in contact with each other since. I sync with the OMW very often. After we decided for reconciliation, I also have applied some techniques to make sure. The company HR put a warning to both of them after D-Day ...

Meaning? If they spend time together outside of the realm of work, they will be fired? What was the warning?

 

I'm surprised they both weren't fired seeing as he was her boss.

 

You have the exMM's wife eyes on this too so the chances of the A starting up again is really low. They both would be stupid to go there again.....

 

I disagree with the MC, she should be knowing the NC rule and the fact remains it will be harder for your wife to get over him if she has to see/speak and deal with him, even in a professional way. He may still be in her head, they obviously make eye contact and pass one another down the hallway or whatever, so I can totally understand why it bothers you so much that they work together.

[road]

Meaning? If they spend time together outside of the realm of work, they will be fired? What was the warning?

 

I'm surprised they both weren't fired seeing as he was her boss.

 

You have the exMM's wife eyes on this too so the chances of the A starting up again is really low. They both would be stupid to go there again.....

 

I disagree with the MC, she should be knowing the NC rule and the fact remains it will be harder for your wife to get over him if she has to see/speak and deal with him, even in a professional way. He may still be in her head, they obviously make eye contact and pass one another down the hallway or whatever, so I can totally understand why it bothers you so much that they work together.

 

 

 

Life has shown me countless times that this affair will restart again because there is no NC between the AP's.

 

 

NO consequences for them banging each other because neither

one lost their job. They got off free. In more ways then one.

[csad]

Life has shown me countless times that this affair will restart again because there is no NC between the AP's.

 

 

NO consequences for them banging each other because neither

one lost their job. They got off free. In more ways then one.

 

We'll see if they get back together. I did what I have to do. In the end, if they want to get back together, it's not that hard as they live only 10 miles from each other. Like I said the OM resigned right after D-Day but the company asked him to stay for transition. My wife is like the only one left there that can do the job she's doing (and she's doing it very well, thus the promotion), so the company wants to keep her. I guess each company deals differently.

[S2B]

We'll see if they get back together. I did what I have to do. In the end, if they want to get back together, it's not that hard as they live only 10 miles from each other. Like I said the OM resigned right after D-Day but the company asked him to stay for transition. My wife is like the only one left there that can do the job she's doing (and she's doing it very well, thus the promotion), so the company wants to keep her. I guess each company deals differently.

 

How convenient that they are both still working together.

 

How do you know for sure he "resigned"? And how could you possibly know how long he "might be" still employed there? You can't be sure...cheaters lie all the time.

 

Maybe they deserve each other...

 

 

And it's completely foolish to think for one second that they aren't communicating and seeing each other at work. Your wife is a classic cake eater - she wants both.

Edited March 18, 2017 by S2B