How to get my family back

[DaddyWantsHisFamily]

Where do I begin..

 

I met the love of my life two years ago and fell.madly in love very fast. We both knew the stars aligned perfectly for us and met as faith had it. We both would drink alcohol together like nobody's business and never realized it was a problem.

 

Around 7 months into our relationship we planned on bringing our now 6 month old Son into this world. When she got pregnant, it was the best gift I had ever experienced. But not long after, the booze would pose a problem as my addiction continued.

 

I would sneak booze, create fights to leave our home to go out and drink. Sometimes even disappear for days at a time, leaving her pregnant and alone. I've been to jail twice during her pregnancy and couldn't shake my addiction. I had about a month sober during those nine months but relapsed and went right back to the bottle.

 

As I continued to take advantage of her kind heart being given chance after chance, her begging for me to get help, I still could not quit for I was powerless over my addiction.

 

Our Son was born and all our issues were swept beneath a rug as both of our focus and priorities shifted towards caring for our baby boy. About a month after he was born, she started drinking again with me but in moderation.

 

She now realized, I was not going to stop drinking and now begged me to be a responsible father and drink in moderation. As months went by I was able to but more often then not, I would go right back to the same drunk.

 

In the care for our Son, I would never drink until he went to sleep but would pour on the booze shortly after. As he would wake in the middle of the night for feedings, I would either be of no help or of little at all.

 

She finally gave me a ultimatum, three months to quit or she would leave with our Son. Two months ago I stopped at a bar and on my way home and got into a car accident by myself. I tore my knee cap, had lacerations to my intestines, head and broke my hand. Doctors said if I was not drunk, I wouldn't have survived. My car was almost split in half.

 

She came to visit me once while I was in the hospital and told my mother that I should not come home when released as she could not care for both our Son and myself. Which I understood.

 

A week after being released she told me it was over and she would be making plans to move and requested me not to come back to our home until she had moved. I understood and met this request. In that time she would drop off our Son so I could spend time with him. This is where my sobriety starts and our life of being together ended.

 

I have been sober now for over two months, go to therapy, counseling and see a shrink. I'm working on myself and learning how to live without drinking. We have been to court and I was blessed yo receive 30 percent custody having unsupervised overnight visitations.

 

I've cried to her a hundred times, begged for our family to be together again to no avail. I understand and listen to her reasons and have now have a true understanding of the pain and sorrow I put her through. She is out of tears.

 

We have been co parenting with amazing success and our on the same team about only focusing being the best parents to our Son. Now silently I cry over and over each day. Behind my smile I am dead inside and want my family back.

 

Sometimes she comes over and makes breakfast, brings lunch or watches television with me and spends time with our Son together. She says she misses her best friend and we talk regularly at night about our Son, work and have casual conversations.

 

I am my Sons Father and promise to myself and to him to be the best Daddy in the world possible. She sees that I am sober, working on myself and being a great Dad. She is proud of me for changing for our Son. She expresses there is no hate towards me but deep rooted anger, resentment and heartache.

 

When I proposed to her on the same Church steps that Joe Dimaggio married Marilyn Monroe before she was pregnant she said yes to the man I am, was and when sober. I want to be that same man but better and am working diligently everyday on myself to be him again.

 

I've lost the love of my life, my soulmate and will never date again. I've told her there is nothing for her to forgive and I wish her the best all this world can give. I want her to be happy no matter what but selfishly long for that happiness to be with me and have a family together.

 

God knows me well and saved me by getting into a accident. Now I see my purpose in life and am blessed with the gift of life he and my ex gave me in our baby boy.

 

I've told her the weight and sorrow is mine to carry. My cross is heavy but demand to bear this pain and agony as she did. I'll never give my heart again to another woman.

 

How do I earn her trust, friendship, affection, passion and love again? Please help me understand how to mend two broken hearts.

 

- Daddy loves you Son

Edited March 7, 2017 by DaddyWantsHisFamily

[LancasterAmos1966]

Behind my smile I am dead inside and want my family back.

We don't always get what we want.....so grieve the loss, and become the best sober dad and human you can possibly be.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes she comes over and makes breakfast, brings lunch or watches television with me and spends time with our Son together. She says she misses her best friend and we talk regularly at night about our Son, work and have casual conversations.

Wow!!!! She is an amazing woman.

 

 

 

She expresses there is no hate towards me but deep rooted anger, resentment and heartache.

She is being honest. This will take a long, long time for her to overcome. Maybe longer than you want to wait.

 

 

 

 

I want to be that same man but better and am working diligently everyday on myself to be him again.

You need to be faithful for years!! Not just 2 months, not 2 years, not 22 years......but all of us must work on being better every day of our lives or we start to slip backwards into selfishness and ways that wind up hurting us and others.

 

 

 

I wish her the best all this world can give.

You really mean this? Or is it just a phrase that you use because it sounds good?

 

If you do wish her the best, then set her free!!

 

Instead of pestering to get back together, instead of being "dead" inside just because you don't have her, become a great dad and fellow human.

 

Any kind of talk that you can't live without her or being dead inside is really an attempt to manipulate her. Manipulation is not love --- it's trying to get the best for yourself.

 

 

 

 

My cross is heavy.

We can choose our sin but we can't choose the consequence.

 

You messed up, you admitted it --- so now forgive yourself, dry your tears, stand tall and become a great dad, citizen, neighbor, employee, etc.

 

 

 

 

How do I earn her trust, friendship, affection, passion and love again?

By being faithful to recovery day after day for the remainder of your life --- and you do it whether she is back in your arms or not. Lost trust takes a long time to earn back. And sometimes, we are not able to earn it back. Sorry, but that's a fact that you must accept as a possibility.

 

 

 

 

Please help me understand how to mend two broken hearts.

Your question should be how to mend "your" broken heart. She wants to recover without your help.

 

For you to recover -- you must forgive yourself, be the best dad you can be, don't pester her to return back to your arms, be thankful for the relationship you do have with her, etc.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been sober now for over two months, go to therapy, counseling and see a shrink. I'm working on myself and learning how to live without drinking.

 

And speaking bluntly, you sound like every other addict with two months sobriety (here's a clue - when you say "over" two months). Were you firmly anchored in a program, you'd have the humility to understand it doesn't work this way.

 

You've spent a long time tearing things down. Be prepared to spend an equally long time just getting back to "break even". I wish you success in your efforts...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DaddyWantsHisFamily]

Lancaster,

 

Thank you for the sound advice. I've stopped the whining and pestering about a few weeks ago. First because it fell on dead ears but also because I know it's annoying and unattractive. You're correct that I need a shift in focus. When I'm with our Son, there are no thoughts other than how to make him smile. When I get to work my sadness goes away, there is no room for it.

 

One of my shortcomings is being my own worse enemy and not my own best friend. Self loathing in my own pity is not getting me anywhere. Being a better citizen, neighbor and of service is spot on I feel as well to better myself. Thank you for the suggestion.

 

Wishing her the best all this world can give is something I mean whole heartedly. I'm aware us as a family may never be a reality again but is gut wrenching to fathom. But, hope is a very dangerous thing for me.

 

If I may ask you a question please

 

How do I set her free?

 

- Best regards

[DaddyWantsHisFamily]

Mr. Lucky

 

I am just like every other addict. Sixty days was a milestone for me and so is each day. I'm told it will take of equal time if not more in my sobriety to become my normal self and you sure are right that it will take equal dedication with my ex to ever even break even.

 

I'm scared of the unknown but need to have trust in my higher power as I walk blindly with faith.

 

Thank you for the kind words

 

- Best regards

[d0nnivain]

For now, you love your son. Work with your sponsor. Keep working the program. Say your serenity prayer daily or more often if you need it. Your EX leaving may be one of those things you can't change but your son will always be your son. The issue is whether you have the courage to do what it will take (stay away from booze & admit you are powerless over it) to show him how much you love him.

 

 

As you live this life of change everyday MAYBE, just maybe, if you are very lucky, your EX may decide you have overcome your addiction.

[Momof3littleones]

It sounds like your ex has been through a lot with you. You can't change the past, but you can control what happens now. Focus on being a good father. Kids can be such a godsend when going through a separation or divorce. Mine cheer me up all the time and know how to make me smile. Your son needs a man to look up to.

[Chilli]

l think it;s very possible you could get back together. But it's gonna take a long time. Don't forget it took yrs to build this mess , there's no way she's gonna trust you again yet in 2 mths.

 

So the thing is , she obviously still cares for you and enjoys being with you.

That's big .

But she can't trust you yet and won't be able to for a long time.

lf it was me l'd keep working on myself and obviously no booze, and keep enjoying every minute you have together and with your son.

And stay the hell away from other women.

 

lf you can keep that up for a yr or more maybe and neither meets anyone else , l think your in with a really good chance of saving your family.

But don't push her , she has a lotttttt to forgive.

You need to be 100% sure you can stay sober and keep getting better.

And that's gonna take a long time so keep at it and be patient and enjoy your time together.

 

All the best .

[mikeylo]

You might have a chance but you need to do a LOT . Its going to be ALL your effort . If she was'nt a kind woman and didnt give you chances ( most bail after first error and dont even give a second chance), you wouldnt have bothered.

 

The main problem that I see is the physical separation. Once that begins, the chances of reconcilliation get less over time. People need to see the change and not hear your words.She needs to see your effort.She doesnt know what you have been upto in the last 2 months, does she ?

 

The burden of hurting her like this will be very heavy for you to carry. Get serious. The child needs both parents.

 

Give her what she needs -- a clean man.

 

You have hope to have a loving family but the burden is on you to make it right.If she didnt love you enough, she wouldnt have given you chances.You not making use of them told her that you dont love her enough. The never ending cycle !

 

Stop the cycle and get your family back.There is no bliss in life more than a little family to call your own.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

How do I set her free?

 

 

 

I'm no expert, but I do have a few personal opinions:

 

- No pestering her to living together. Yes, separation can cause her to lose emotional connection to you, but the damage has been done a long time ago.

 

- Never do anything that leads to the bedroom. Keep your hands off, and if she initiates anything, that is up to her. But you need to take this suggestion seriously or you will chase her very quickly.

 

 

- Don't be asking her a thousand questions to find out where she has been, who she has been seeing, is she ever going to get back together with you, etc, etc.

 

 

So, here it is in a nutshell: Setting her free means she can do whatever she wants, go out with anyone she wants, and you will not pester her for anything, you will never look at her texts/emails/voice messages, you will never ask her questions that pry into her personal life, you will not hire a private investigator, etc.

 

Of course, this might seem unfair to you.

 

But wait --- Your goal should be to become a man that stands tall, and has learned from his mistakes.

 

If you get her back in a few years --- all of us here will be happy for you.

 

But if you don't get her back, that doesn't mean your life is ruined and ended. One door closes, another always opens.