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Hurting So Bad...Husband wants to separate


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 18th March 2017, 11:23 AM   #46
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Yes, I get that totally... Alone in a room full of people. I am actually working on a song with that theme right now.
.
"Sit'n in the corner of a crowded barroom, people all around me and I still feel alone. Just when I know I'm gonna break down and cry, someone plays a tune that dries the tear from my eye......"

Oh wait, that's already taken. Damn! that would've been a good one.
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Old 20th March 2017, 10:55 PM   #47
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I am so flipping mad that now I just have anger at my soon to be ex. I went to the divorce support group tonight. It is only 7-9, and my friend was watching my kids at her house which is late but it's one night and her son goes to bed late anyway. My soon to be ex is away right now with friends for a few days. He doesn't know where I was but wanted to face time them and was complaining they were out late. He was saying to them "oh I know you're tired, Mommy has you up late" saying it a few times. WTF. It just angers me. I just sent him a text before saying really I'm trying to not have bad feelings anymore but don't ever judge me with these kids. Don't ever do that. Judging me for a late night that never happens. I just said I don't judge you while you're away for a few days doing whatever you do, do not judge me for what I do while I take care of these kids. What nerve, it pisses me off. This passive aggressive crap is what I dealt with a lot judging me for not doing things just the right way while I was taking care of 3 kids on my own the majority of the time.
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Old 21st March 2017, 9:33 PM   #48
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I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling so much better and stronger. It's helped that I haven't seen him. It helps that the kids keep me busy. I've been trying to socialize as much as I can and be in a good mood. I've had two people today describe me as always being so "calm" around my kids. Meanwhile they have no idea that I'm dealing with this separation, that I've been taking care of my kids alone since Friday (although my in-laws took them one night). I never knew I had it in me to be this strong and that I feel so okay with being alone. Not that I look forward to the prospect of dating eventually but hopefully there's good moments to look forward to in that category. Maybe I'm just having a good day? I just hope it lasts.
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Old 21st March 2017, 10:00 PM   #49
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So sorry for your struggle.

Glad that the kids are with you and no one was hurt in the car wreck.

Some times I get help from affair-recovery.com.

It helps me with some of my pain. If your H will not change, you can still get help for you and the kids. You can still see an attorney to make sure he pays child support.

Are his parents still alive or a brother that he respects to talk some sense into him?

He will not be happy when you are dating. Hope you do some things for yourself. thanks for helping your kids. hope for better days for your family.
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Old 21st March 2017, 11:43 PM   #50
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His parents and brother have spoken to him. They expressed their disapproval and everything at first, but now they just talk to him because it only makes him shut down on them if they say anything. He is stubborn and will do what he wants. It is what it is now. I feel like I'm getting to acceptance.

The other night while drinking he actually said the actual physical stuff with this girl "sucked". Not like it's always been between the two of us. So does that mean he had more of an emotional connection with talking and whatnot? Because when we were talking last week, he was like, this is the most we've talked in years. I thought we did, but it gets hard with kids too. He's decided to focus on the negative, and you know what, that's what I do now to tell myself I'm better off.
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Old 25th March 2017, 9:18 PM   #51
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Just an update more for myself. I'm still hanging in there being positive. I tell myself it's better this happens now when I'm still kind of young (not in my 20s but still kinda young) as opposed to when I'm older and the kids are grown up. I have them to keep me busy. And sometimes women feel pressured to settle so they can have kids by a certain age, but that's not a worry for me. No matter what, I'm not alone. I have them, and I have family and friends. I'm looking forward to doing things more and making plans. I feel like I'm doing pretty good considering this started like two months ago. I've accepted it. My soon to be ex doesn't deserve me. He didn't work hard enough.

We're on okay terms now though. No matter what happens, we're civil because the kids are the most important. My in-laws have been so supportive too no matter what happens. They've told me I'm family no matter what.
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Old 26th March 2017, 9:25 PM   #52
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Just curious, can anyone with little kids advise how they work out the custody? Like how often does your ex take them? So far we've been doing that my soon to be ex takes them every other weekend. The last time he stayed here, but now he has an apartment at a friend's place where he's taking them this weekend. Is every other weekend the norm? I guess I want to know what's best for the kids. They're still young that they really don't get what's going on between the two of us. They were used to him working double shifts and not seeing him for days. Right now we're kind of working it out as we go, and since he doesn't have a normal Monday-Friday 9-5 schedule, it's inconsistent.

Now that it's the first he'll be taking them to his apartment next weekend, it's starting to sting a little again. I know the path to healing is not a steady incline, it's a jagged line going up and down.
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Old 28th March 2017, 11:04 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by Momof3littleones View Post
Just curious, can anyone with little kids advise how they work out the custody? Like how often does your ex take them? So far we've been doing that my soon to be ex takes them every other weekend. The last time he stayed here, but now he has an apartment at a friend's place where he's taking them this weekend. Is every other weekend the norm? I guess I want to know what's best for the kids. They're still young that they really don't get what's going on between the two of us. They were used to him working double shifts and not seeing him for days. Right now we're kind of working it out as we go, and since he doesn't have a normal Monday-Friday 9-5 schedule, it's inconsistent.

Now that it's the first he'll be taking them to his apartment next weekend, it's starting to sting a little again. I know the path to healing is not a steady incline, it's a jagged line going up and down.
It is a difficult path to take. This is something we never planned or wanted for our children. I remember the first time my ex took our kids over to her place. After she left with the kids I broke down and cried because I got a picture of my new way of life with my children. Its devastating and hard to accept. However, as time goes on you do get adjusted to it. Its been 8 months since my wife left me and we share the kids 50/50. Now it seems like the norm. The kids have been doing good. I am not saying this has not bothered them though and they have made comments that show it does affect them. Only thing I can do is be a good parent and show I love them.

As for your schedule, everyone's is different. I have heard similar schedules like yours and I have heard many situations where the spouse never sees their kids because they simply do not want to. I honestly hate our 50/50 custody with my ex because she works an inconsistent work schedule like your husband's. So our custody schedule works around her work schedule and to be honest, I am not going to do this kind of scheduling for the next 14 years. We are going to have to eventually have a planned schedule that we do not deviate from unless its absolutely necessary. It's crazy how much everything can change in your life within a few weeks. I wish you the best luck!
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Old 28th March 2017, 11:34 AM   #54
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I need some help and positive people right now. Not telling me what I want to hear, telling me how to be a stronger person. I'm a 37 year old mom of three kids (5 year old twins and a 4 year old). Around the holidays my husband became nastier, and we were arguing a lot. One day he was so nasty, I got angry and said that's it, I'm done! Because I was so angry. Well there had to have been a coworker he was talking a lot to. I believe it was mid-January when he actually cheated. He started being a mean drunk, drinking more at home, telling me he was done with me. I said we have 3 kids, we need to work on it. Because as much as we had arguments sometimes, we could be so happy. I've been with him since I was 20 years old! Then one night I checked the cell phone bill and saw her number a lot starting mid-January. He said it was only talking but said we needed time apart right now. I was a mess because this came out of nowhere. He was always such a family guy, loved me so much, we had sex all the time so it wasn't like we were going months without it. He took a few days away and confessed he slept with someone else, but he wasn't seeing her anymore but we still needed time. And he wanted things to be civil no matter what.

Basically the day of my daughter's birthday, he passed out sleeping after being a mean drunk again, and I said screw it, looked at his phone and saw an email from her saying, sorry she missed his call, she was out playing pool. I saw her full name. I flipped, smacked him awake, threw his clothes down stairs and had his brother pick him up. He hasn't lived at home since. This was 3 weeks ago.

After this we didn't talk for a few days. And we said it's best to separate. I googled this girl, she's only 2 years younger, nothing special at all, not that attractive. I'm just so upset because after all this, I would have hoped he would try so hard because we have a family, we were happy. We had stress and little kids and money issues, so of course it's not easy. But it's like TRY. He would never do marriage counseling. He said he wants to try to find an apartment for now to take the kids some weekends. He said he's so confused, and he's trying to take things one step at a time. He took his cell phone off our bill which really inspires trust.

He told close friends it's his fault. He's staying in a friend's parents' basement now. The other day I said I saw a lawyer about separation, and we technically can divorce any time. He's not caring about finding a lawyer. He said the other day when j had to see him with the kids that he's so upset at himself and he's so sorry, and he still misses me and he's not happy now, but he doesn't know what's going on. He says I can have the house, and he'll take care of us financially no matter what. He just says I'll never trust him no matter what but you never know, maybe it can work out. He said he still wants to do things as a family and go out to eat with me, but how is that possible to do without me hurting? I have been so civil to him in front of the kids because they're who matter the most. I have been so strong some days because I've been the one taking care of them 90% of the time from wake up to bedtime with homework and sports and packing lunches. And then I have my bad days where I just want to cry.

No matter what I'm not filing for divorce until I can work next year for my own health insurance. Do you think there's any chance at all that things can work out? The person he is right now I don't know and his family doesn't know. I've never felt so alone. I miss having him next to me in bed, I miss that physical connection with him. Even when he was apparently cheating, he was still sleeping with me which only hit me later. And it happened in only a span of weeks. I completely believe this was the first affair. He just never went out before. He always wanted to be with us at home. My home only causes me pain now because it was his dream home on the water with his boat, and that's another thing to think about in the future.

Just give me some positive advice. I'm trying to be strong. I have my strong days, but those bad days hit me too. I'm going to start therapy, I'm going to the gym, I'm trying to eat more because I look anorexic from stress and not eating, keeping as busy as I can. I just need to get over him and be happy with myself no matter what. And I'm limiting contact as much as I possibly can with him when it's the father of your children.
When my wife left me, I was overwhelmed with emotions. There were so many things I did not understand as to why and how she left. I found this book online and read it. Its not a book that is focused how to win your spouse back. Its a book on what you need to do when your spouse does leave. It shares a lot of the same ideas with 180 discussed on this forum. The book helped me a lot and helped me understand why my wife left me so easily. Basically the book goes over three types of people who leave a marriage. It explains each of these types and then describes how they act when they do leave. The book described my wife very accurately to the point it put chills down my spine. The book also explains what you need to do when your spouse leaves the marriage and that is cutting them out of their comfort zone which is different for everyone and includes the no contact rule. I highly recommend reading it because it helped me very much. As soon as I read that book, I never showed anymore emotion or contact with my wife unless it involved the children.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/08...?ie=UTF8&psc=1
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Old 28th March 2017, 9:16 PM   #55
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When my wife left me, I was overwhelmed with emotions. There were so many things I did not understand as to why and how she left. I found this book online and read it. Its not a book that is focused how to win your spouse back. Its a book on what you need to do when your spouse does leave. It shares a lot of the same ideas with 180 discussed on this forum. The book helped me a lot and helped me understand why my wife left me so easily. Basically the book goes over three types of people who leave a marriage. It explains each of these types and then describes how they act when they do leave. The book described my wife very accurately to the point it put chills down my spine. The book also explains what you need to do when your spouse leaves the marriage and that is cutting them out of their comfort zone which is different for everyone and includes the no contact rule. I highly recommend reading it because it helped me very much. As soon as I read that book, I never showed anymore emotion or contact with my wife unless it involved the children.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/08...?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Thanks, I will look into getting that book. I'm reading one now having to do with dealing with coping with loss. Did this book you posted have any positive impact?
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Old 28th March 2017, 9:22 PM   #56
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It is a difficult path to take. This is something we never planned or wanted for our children. I remember the first time my ex took our kids over to her place. After she left with the kids I broke down and cried because I got a picture of my new way of life with my children. Its devastating and hard to accept. However, as time goes on you do get adjusted to it. Its been 8 months since my wife left me and we share the kids 50/50. Now it seems like the norm. The kids have been doing good. I am not saying this has not bothered them though and they have made comments that show it does affect them. Only thing I can do is be a good parent and show I love them.

As for your schedule, everyone's is different. I have heard similar schedules like yours and I have heard many situations where the spouse never sees their kids because they simply do not want to. I honestly hate our 50/50 custody with my ex because she works an inconsistent work schedule like your husband's. So our custody schedule works around her work schedule and to be honest, I am not going to do this kind of scheduling for the next 14 years. We are going to have to eventually have a planned schedule that we do not deviate from unless its absolutely necessary. It's crazy how much everything can change in your life within a few weeks. I wish you the best luck!
It's still new to me, but I cried the first time after my ex left with the kids too. What a terrible thing to experience. I couldn't stay home. I went out with my friend, drank way too much, passed out in her car and she got me home. Not my finest moment, but it was my first break to go out after taking care of the kids solo for awhile, and it was an emotional day. I feel bad that you have no family or friends near you because I don't think I could survive without that.

Thanks for sharing your custody experience. I feel like I take care of the kids 80% of the time. At least he is taking them every other weekend, so it is some sort of break.
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Old 29th March 2017, 12:31 AM   #57
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Thanks, I will look into getting that book. I'm reading one now having to do with dealing with coping with loss. Did this book you posted have any positive impact?
Yes, the book made me stronger and helped me see some things I would have never noticed before. The book really focuses on letting the person go and removing their comfort zone. Their comfort zone is having a connection to you and based on what I have read in your post, it sounds like your husband's comfort zone is him talking to you, coming over and being intimate, thinking you all will still have family get togethers. Don't go out of you way to hurt him but don't give him anything more then you have to. Cut the conversations out and only talk to him about the kids and keep it short. Do not show him any emotions and never let him come over to visit you again. Take all his comfort zones away and let him face reality. You might be surprised what will happen over the next few weeks/months if you hold strong.

I'll give you a perfect example. I have a family member who has been having marriage problems for the past 4 years. His wife has became distant and would go out with friends all the time staying out late. He has suspicion she has had affairs but no proof. He has begged her and wanted to work on the marriage for the past 4 years and she has told him she does not love him anymore and wants him to move out however she did not want to get divorced! After my wife left me, I told him about the book I read and explained to him the whole comfort zone thing. I explained that his wife did not want to leave because she wanted to stay in the house while he made the payments. Her comfort zone was his financial support. I told him he needed to tell her he was done and that they were going to sell the house and go their separate ways. He stood his ground and did exactly that and guess what happened? She argued with him at first and when she realized he was sticking to his plan she started to panic. The last time I talked to him he had told me she was crying and telling him she was sorry. After 4 years, she never showed any emotion or cared. As soon as her comfort zone was being ripped away, she panic! However, is she crying and saying she is sorry for the right reasons? Is she being sincere or is she trying to buy time? That is the tough part for him to figure out.

Sorry for the long response. Its good to talk on these forums with others having the same issues. Stay strong and remove his comfort zone. You have had a major lost, now show him what he is going to loose.

Last edited by mnnc; 29th March 2017 at 12:38 AM..
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Old 29th March 2017, 9:33 PM   #58
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Thank you, I'll give that book a try. Anything that will help make me stronger and understand him can only help me. I have been doing pretty well with not communicating with him much besides kid-related and finance related texts. I read something to have a person to text/call when tempted to text/call your ex so they can talk you down. Last night I was missing him and just wanted to have a conversation just to talk, not about anything serious, but just to talk. I texted my friend and sister about wanting to, and their words stopped me. I just have those weak moments, but I didn't go there so at least I stayed strong.

Today I felt stronger and lighter which the nice weather probably helped with. I've been going to the gym, setting goals with running on the treadmill, pushing myself because it's something else to focus on with myself. I was so underweight from the stress that I looked anorexic, but I did gain almost 10 pounds which is a good thing in this case because I needed it. So I'm getting there. I have good days, but the bad days are still there too. It's only been 2 months though, so I can't expect to heal that fast.
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Old 30th March 2017, 9:43 AM   #59
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I forgot to mention I've had a job opportunity to work from home come up which I would possibly start soon. It's just 10-15 hours a week, but it's something to keep me busy, a way to ease back into working (my 4 year old doesn't start kindergarten until next year) and extra money to save or use for groceries or activities to do with the kids. Probably $10-12k for the year so nothing huge. But do you think that would hugely affect my maintenance/alimony for when we do divorce? I've been a SAHM since they were born, but I made a nice salary before them. My husband wanted me to take care of them, and I don't regret that because there was physical therapy I had to do on my son when he was a baby every day, there were dr appointments driving to Jersey every 2 weeks. I'm glad I was able to spend that time with them. I just hope doing this job when it's not a big salary doesn't affect my maintenance.
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Old 30th March 2017, 12:21 PM   #60
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Hi!

I just wanted to reach out as I'm going through something similar. I'm a few year older (early 40's) and I'm the one moving out. But he has not wanted me as a wife, in any way, for years. After years of me fighting and begging to address our marriage (he refused), I have decided to leave while there is still a part of me left to salvage. I break down and start crying at the oddest moments. Why did he give up on us so easily? Why did I stay so long....all those years! And now I have to start over.

Anyway, I am thinking about the same things: child custody, going back to work etc.
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