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Hurting So Bad...Husband wants to separate


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 14th March 2017, 2:44 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by Momof3littleones View Post
I'm sure there is, it's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now. And thinking about if we stay here or should move somewhere else next year. All these decisions. But you're right, it's better to move on.

I feel like I know he's done, and then I said I can't see you for a long time then because he had still wanted to do things together. I would have if it was with a chance to work it out, but if that's not happening, why torment myself? And then when I say okay I guess we know it's over, if you say you'll never change your mind about that, he's like okay you said it's over. Well if we know you won't change your mind, let's just end it now then instead of dragging it out. I might just have to stay separated until I get a job next year with health insurance when my daughter is in kindergarten.
At least you will get child support so talk to an attorney right away.
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Old 14th March 2017, 3:08 PM   #32
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At least you will get child support so talk to an attorney right away.
I have. I can't divorce right away though because I won't have health insurance, and I need to wait until next year to work. And that's even hoping if I get a job in the schools that offers insurance because I still need to be home with them in the summer. I don't have family who can watch them. He had said we don't even need to divorce, stay separated and he'll pay for us. But he's not going to have money for him and for us, we'll have nothing. I'll never have a savings. I have to sit on it for awhile to think about if we're going to stay here and live here or move. And why stay legally married to someone but have two separate lives? That's not healthy.
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Old 14th March 2017, 3:20 PM   #33
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Also I live in NY where the cost of living is insane, we pay a lot in taxes. Nothing is affordable. I could sell the house, move in with my parents temporarily for a year or two to save everything I can, but he has given me crap about that.
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Old 14th March 2017, 3:46 PM   #34
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You get your plan together...

You get your plan together...

You don't have to do anything right now. And if you get the house or even half of the proceeds that is not his decision anymore. These things are your decision now.

But you need to see a lawyer and see what your options are. And moving in the folks for a while if they don't mind is not a bad idea.

Take your time and work out what is best for you...
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Old 14th March 2017, 5:01 PM   #35
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I'm so sorry for what's happened to you.

None of us know why he's doing what he's doing, why he's not complying with your very basic requests, but if I had to guess, I would think it's because he's still involved with the OW. Or he wants to maintain the option to be involved with her. Because otherwise, if you guys were basically happy until mid-January, this is really all about his affair.

I bet he's going to regret what he's done and come crawling back at some point.
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Old 15th March 2017, 2:45 PM   #36
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Maybe it's time to move out of New York since it is too expensive for you. Your husband will have to provide health insurance so ask your attorney about it.
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Old 15th March 2017, 7:05 PM   #37
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Maybe it's time to move out of New York since it is too expensive for you. Your husband will have to provide health insurance so ask your attorney about it.
He doesn't. I can stay here for awhile, keep the house and build more equity and sell and take half that money to move and buy a new house somewhere else in the future.

Today it just hit me again. I got in a bad car accident, we're okay. He helped me with handling stuff and being there at the hospital and just taking care of things. But nothing has changed about us, and if it didn't change now, it never will. He gets depressed, but I think he gets depressed about not living here with the kids and living in an apartment by himself, not about me and him. It hurts. I have 16 years of memories of things that hit me that I just remember when it was happy, and it hurts.
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Old 16th March 2017, 11:20 AM   #38
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I have 16 years of memories of things that hit me that I just remember when it was happy, and it hurts.
Yes, it does hurt. Deep, down hurt. Rejection and loss of a lover/companion/best friend always hurts. Believe me, it hurts him too, but that's his problem to deal with later on in life.

Go through your grieving and begin rebuilding, and you will recover light-years ahead of him.

And don't let anyone --- including your husband --- take away those 16 years of memories. It's part of our history being married to these vow-breaking spouses, so there's no sense in pretending it never happened. Acceptance is the goal, and you will arrive to that point when life is good again. Right now, your life is in turmoil. The unknown is scary, but you can make it.

Keep on posting because that should also help get some of your feelings out instead of just keeping them inside.
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Old 17th March 2017, 11:09 AM   #39
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Thank you. I had actually let him stay at the house, and he's leaving today, and then I'll try to do NC for as much as I can. It just hurts because we did talk a couple nights, but yesterday I went out, and he was so cold when I got home and just wanted to be alone. I don't think he cares about me, he's just thinking about being alone. And then I must look like I'm frigging miserable because I was taking a picture with my friend, and some dude was like, you really need to smile. It's that bad that I look so sad and unhappy to strangers. I need to try to fake happiness as much as I can. I just feel so lost right now as a person. You really can feel so alone in a room full of people.
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Old 17th March 2017, 11:23 AM   #40
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Yes, I get that totally...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Momof3littleones View Post
Thank you. I had actually let him stay at the house, and he's leaving today, and then I'll try to do NC for as much as I can. It just hurts because we did talk a couple nights, but yesterday I went out, and he was so cold when I got home and just wanted to be alone. I don't think he cares about me, he's just thinking about being alone. And then I must look like I'm frigging miserable because I was taking a picture with my friend, and some dude was like, you really need to smile. It's that bad that I look so sad and unhappy to strangers. I need to try to fake happiness as much as I can. I just feel so lost right now as a person. You really can feel so alone in a room full of people.
Yes, I get that totally... Alone in a room full of people. I am actually working on a song with that theme right now.

I felt that way for so long, unfortunately it was while I was married. You can be lonely in both cases.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Even as much stuff as my wife put me through I hate to admit that I still love her. Wow, that hurt to write out loud...

Try to keep you chin up through all of this. It hurts so bad but you have to take care of yourself. Pamper yourself as much as you can. It is hard to do at first but you can start to think of yourself first more often and that is not a bad thing.

Moving on from a marriage is hard. In my case, I have not been this happy in 20 years. Maybe over time you can feel that way too.
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Old 17th March 2017, 4:55 PM   #41
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I need to try to fake happiness as much as I can. I just feel so lost right now as a person. You really can feel so alone in a room full of people.
No need to fake anything right now. You are losing dreams, your best friend, your husband. You go ahead and be sad because it's a sad time.

Your world has been turned upside down. It's a confusing time, a depressing time -- remember those 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then Acceptance. And you can be in more than one stage at a time, so it's no wonder you feel sad, lost and alone at the same time!!

Google DivorceCare and see if there's a group that meets in your area. They have free materials on their website, and the group meetings are free except for a workbook that I needed to pay a small amount for.
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Old 17th March 2017, 10:07 PM   #42
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Thanks for the kind words and advice. I have to remember this is all part of the process and that right now I'm in it, and it's not going to get better fast. It just still hits me sometimes like a punch in the gut because it happened so fast. We had arguments sometimes, but I thought we were happy. Everyone else thought we were happy and are shocked. But then I think now how much he's been drinking some nights. He's like a functioning alcoholic. He can go without it, but when he drinks, it's a lot. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated in the first place if he wasn't drinking, but once he started, he kept that going. He could also be so stubborn and critical when I was doing everything to take care of these kids. I love him so much, but he could be such a jerk sometimes. I see how my dad can yell at my mom because he's annoyed, and it's possible if I stayed with my husband, I'd probably end up in that same kind of relationship. It was already that way now. Either I'll be happy alone or be with someone who treats me better than that. Better this happens when I'm 37 rather than later on, so I don't waste any more time. At least this is all that I keep trying to tell myself.
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Old 17th March 2017, 10:14 PM   #43
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Also I am going to a divorce and separation support group on Monday. Hopefully it helps to talk to others going through the same thing because I really don't know a lot of divorced people. Everyone is married couples around me. I do have one friend who was married before her husband now who gives me advice too.
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Old 18th March 2017, 12:33 AM   #44
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I second the divorcecare group. I'm going to one now (although we are not divorcing) and it's been a great help working thru feelings and I've met some great people.
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Old 18th March 2017, 11:03 AM   #45
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The divorce care group closest to me is a little further and not very convenient a time. This one is through meetup.com. I guess I'll see how this goes, and maybe try for the other one if it's a time my ex has them. It's hard with the kids. Luckily a friend said they could come over Monday evening, but I'm not looking forward to a later bedtime on a school night
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