LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Hurting So Bad...Husband wants to separate


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Like Tree89Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 9th March 2017, 3:00 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 61
I have said why aren't you trying, and he's like I don't know, I'm confused, I can't see you without thinking of how I hurt you. But then he keeps going on about getting an apartment that we can't afford.

I'm just really disgusted by myself and him. This morning he came when the kids were in school, and it ended up being that we got intimate, and I knew that was a mistake but still it's so hard to resist that physical connection. The killer is that I had an appointment with a therapist, and he was like just cancel it, let's lay down together instead, and I said no that won't help me, that won't help things. But I ended up changing my mind, and I hate myself. And afterwards he just acted like the way he's been acting, cold and talking about the apartment, telling me a place I can use to do the lawn since he can't.

I just called before and said I'm so mad at myself and we shouldn't have done that. I basically just feel used. It's my own fault too because I hadn't been with him in weeks and missed that and just wanted to pretend like everything was normal for an hour. If we do divorce, we can't see each other and do family stuff. We can't. He's like why not? Because you can't move on if you're still seeing the other person. It's just a mess. I feel like he's not good for me anymore.
Momof3littleones is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2017, 3:53 PM   #17
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,393
Maybe it was not the best idea...

Maybe it was not the best idea in the world.

But come on, don't beat yourself up about it. You both needed to get laid.

I would not worry about it...
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2017, 3:54 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Posts: 185
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momof3littleones View Post
If we do divorce, we can't see each other and do family stuff. We can't. He's like why not? Because you can't move on if you're still seeing the other person. It's just a mess. I feel like he's not good for me anymore.

My wife walked out after 20+ years of marriage. Left me and my 6 kids. She wanted to do the holiday meals and have fun times at her apartment --- I said No Way will I pretend everything is fine at your apartment.

So your husband is just acting normal. If you pretend nothing is wrong, it helps him move on into his new life. His selfishness is very strong right now so he must keep moving in the direction he wants.

---- Yes he has hurt you --- but PLEASE don't let him hurt you any more. In other words, instead of falling apart letting your mind play tricks on you, become determined to live a new life without him. Right now, you don't know how you can. But believe me, I made it with 6 kids and working a full time job, so you will need to lean on family, friends, neighbors to help you out.


---- You must grieve the loss of your beloved groom --- this is like a death, so google the 5 stages of grief --- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance.


---- You can't lean on him any longer, and you must not allow him to lean on you. That's not easy to figure out how to do since you've been with him for a long time. Allow yourself to make mistakes as you learn how to live without him (like what happened the other day) and work on doing better tomorrow. No biggie if you "mess up" --- You are not an expert on relationship losses so please give yourself some slack!!

---- Don't hold those tears in. If you need to cry at Walmart, do it. If you need to cry driving down the road, pull over and let 'er rip. Tears are a good emotional release, so don't act like you must be tough and never cry. And don't worry if your kids see you cry. Nothing wrong with them seeing mommy is hurting. This can be a time of special bonding. Life is full of different kinds of hurts, and there's no harm in them seeing that life can cause a person to cry. Thank God for tears -- it helps get the pain out of us so we are determined to dry our tears and move forward.

---- Listen to music that helps you. Google breakup songs.


---- Don't rip up pictures, or go around busting stuff when you get angry. Have a friend help you box up some pictures and store them in a safe place. Right now, there will be times when you are angry (look at the 5 stages of grief), and when you are angry, you don't want to destroy stuff that will be important to you and/or your kids later in life. I never thought I'd heal, but it took maybe a good 2 or 3 years until I could actually look at old pictures again. I'm glad that I have some of those old pictures.

Basically, you must KNOW that you can make it without him!!!! You probably lived the first 20 years of your life without him -- so don't let your mind play tricks on you acting like you can't live without him. You've already live a chunk of your life without him, so you can do it again.

He can live without you.

So, show him that you can live without him too!!!

What if he would have died, or went into a coma, or for whatever reason he could not be your companion --- you would go on and live a great life.

But for some reason, when a person cheats on us or leaves us, we fall apart and act like "oh, it would have been so much easier if he/she would have just died." To me, that's silliness. Any loss hurts. The problem is that we don't like being rejected, so our mind plays tricks on us acting like we must lay down and die if we can't have our spouse.

With some hard work and tears, you will make it.
LancasterAmos1966 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2017, 4:24 PM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,764
He clearly needs to give up the alcohol... that's the first thing. I would never take him back if he is still drinking.

And only then, if he was willing to end his relationship with this other woman and fully commit to reconciliation - which includes counselling.

Otherwise, I would focus on the children, take care of yourself, and find a good counsellor to help you get your life back on track - with or without him.

But, I do think that the alcohol clouds everything... You are dealing with a man who has a problem with alcohol, perhaps some Al-Anon groups would also be good for you.

Take care.
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2017, 4:36 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 3,764
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momof3littleones View Post
I have said why aren't you trying, and he's like I don't know, I'm confused, I can't see you without thinking of how I hurt you. But then he keeps going on about getting an apartment that we can't afford.

I'm just really disgusted by myself and him. This morning he came when the kids were in school, and it ended up being that we got intimate, and I knew that was a mistake but still it's so hard to resist that physical connection. The killer is that I had an appointment with a therapist, and he was like just cancel it, let's lay down together instead, and I said no that won't help me, that won't help things. But I ended up changing my mind, and I hate myself. And afterwards he just acted like the way he's been acting, cold and talking about the apartment, telling me a place I can use to do the lawn since he can't.

I just called before and said I'm so mad at myself and we shouldn't have done that. I basically just feel used. It's my own fault too because I hadn't been with him in weeks and missed that and just wanted to pretend like everything was normal for an hour. If we do divorce, we can't see each other and do family stuff. We can't. He's like why not? Because you can't move on if you're still seeing the other person. It's just a mess. I feel like he's not good for me anymore.
What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Instead, use it as a reason to do what you need to do and separate from him until you gather yourself together and decide what you want for your life. He knew that you had a counselling appointment and he encouraged your to make a selfish decision that was not in your best interest - to stay with him when you should have been at the counsellor. That is incredibly selfish on his part - it benefited himself, not you. And to top it all, he was rude and unkind to you after you were together. i don't blame you for feeling used - I'd be furious at myself and him and I would use that anger to propel me forward, toward a healthier future!
BaileyB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2017, 9:39 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by LancasterAmos1966 View Post
My wife walked out after 20+ years of marriage. Left me and my 6 kids. She wanted to do the holiday meals and have fun times at her apartment --- I said No Way will I pretend everything is fine at your apartment.

So your husband is just acting normal. If you pretend nothing is wrong, it helps him move on into his new life. His selfishness is very strong right now so he must keep moving in the direction he wants.

---- Yes he has hurt you --- but PLEASE don't let him hurt you any more. In other words, instead of falling apart letting your mind play tricks on you, become determined to live a new life without him. Right now, you don't know how you can. But believe me, I made it with 6 kids and working a full time job, so you will need to lean on family, friends, neighbors to help you out.


---- You must grieve the loss of your beloved groom --- this is like a death, so google the 5 stages of grief --- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance.


---- You can't lean on him any longer, and you must not allow him to lean on you. That's not easy to figure out how to do since you've been with him for a long time. Allow yourself to make mistakes as you learn how to live without him (like what happened the other day) and work on doing better tomorrow. No biggie if you "mess up" --- You are not an expert on relationship losses so please give yourself some slack!!

---- Don't hold those tears in. If you need to cry at Walmart, do it. If you need to cry driving down the road, pull over and let 'er rip. Tears are a good emotional release, so don't act like you must be tough and never cry. And don't worry if your kids see you cry. Nothing wrong with them seeing mommy is hurting. This can be a time of special bonding. Life is full of different kinds of hurts, and there's no harm in them seeing that life can cause a person to cry. Thank God for tears -- it helps get the pain out of us so we are determined to dry our tears and move forward.

---- Listen to music that helps you. Google breakup songs.


---- Don't rip up pictures, or go around busting stuff when you get angry. Have a friend help you box up some pictures and store them in a safe place. Right now, there will be times when you are angry (look at the 5 stages of grief), and when you are angry, you don't want to destroy stuff that will be important to you and/or your kids later in life. I never thought I'd heal, but it took maybe a good 2 or 3 years until I could actually look at old pictures again. I'm glad that I have some of those old pictures.

Basically, you must KNOW that you can make it without him!!!! You probably lived the first 20 years of your life without him -- so don't let your mind play tricks on you acting like you can't live without him. You've already live a chunk of your life without him, so you can do it again.

He can live without you.

So, show him that you can live without him too!!!

What if he would have died, or went into a coma, or for whatever reason he could not be your companion --- you would go on and live a great life.

But for some reason, when a person cheats on us or leaves us, we fall apart and act like "oh, it would have been so much easier if he/she would have just died." To me, that's silliness. Any loss hurts. The problem is that we don't like being rejected, so our mind plays tricks on us acting like we must lay down and die if we can't have our spouse.

With some hard work and tears, you will make it.
Thanks so much for the encouraging words. Your story makes me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. When I think about it, I haven't been single since I was 18 because I was in a relationship right before him. I've been with him for 16 years, married for 12 years. I feel like I have to let him go. It's just so hard because every time I see him, it can feel normal for a minute and I want that back so much, but it's not going to be normal. And he doesn't want to be here with me.
Momof3littleones is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th March 2017, 9:41 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 61
Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
What's done is done. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Instead, use it as a reason to do what you need to do and separate from him until you gather yourself together and decide what you want for your life. He knew that you had a counselling appointment and he encouraged your to make a selfish decision that was not in your best interest - to stay with him when you should have been at the counsellor. That is incredibly selfish on his part - it benefited himself, not you. And to top it all, he was rude and unkind to you after you were together. i don't blame you for feeling used - I'd be furious at myself and him and I would use that anger to propel me forward, toward a healthier future!
Thank you. I do need to hold on to that anger for the time being to get me through getting over him.
Momof3littleones is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th March 2017, 3:31 PM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Posts: 185
Quote:
When I think about it, I haven't been single since I was 18 because I was in a relationship right before him. I've been with him for 16 years, married for 12 years.
We are not experts at this ----- that's good thing but it's also bad because we don't have much life-experience to help us recover. People on this board can offer opinions/advice because we've been through it at least once already. And believe me, if it ever happens again to me, I'll be ready next time. :-)

When you have a chance, google Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships. You can buy a used copy for like a buck or two on Amazon. Read the comments about the book even if you don't get a copy.

Basically, the author shares stories about separating/divorcing couples. She has been able to come up with a typical way that couples separate/divorce, and the typical reactions of both the spouse that is leaving, and the spouse that would prefer to stay together.

The book really helped me realize that no matter if you dated a long time, or dated a short time, no matter if you were a religious person or not a religious person, no matter if you had money issues or had millions in the bank --- no matter what --- when one spouse decided they wanted out, there was NOTHING the other spouse could do.

If a spouse REALLY wants out, then anything that delays their leaving just become a stall tactic. Marriage counseling might be nice, but if they want out, it is a waste of time.

The book also helped me realize that my wife was not an evil jerk that deserved to have a horrible life just because she no longer wanted to be my wife.

I know ---- there's some rejected spouses that would really like their spouse to be paid back for hurting/leaving them.

That's their right to feel that way, but for me, the book helped me accept that my wife is a fellow human, like me, with dreams and hopes for the future.

The problem was that she needed to reject me in order to get to her new chapter of life. She shared life with me for 20+ years, and now she wanted to move into a new chapter of life that did not include me.

That loss and rejection hurt, but once I realized that she was not gloating over my emotional hurt, she was not some evil, narcissistic jerk that was hell-bent on destroying me.....this new information helped me to glide into the Acceptance Stage of the grief process.





Quote:
I feel like I have to let him go. It's just so hard because every time I see him, it can feel normal for a minute and I want that back so much, but it's not going to be normal.
Of course it's hard. And you might not believe this, but I'm guessing it's hard for him too.

Please don't wish him evil, or hope that "karma" visits him. It might help for a few seconds to wish him a horrible life, but deep inside, you are not that kind of person. And he isn't either. Because, If he REALLY wanted to hurt you, he could have come up with a thousand ways to hurt you.

Maybe you can save your marriage relationship. I'm not sure. But, once you know that he wants out of his marriage vow --- please set him free!!!!

You might think this is off-the-wall advice, but you really should thank him for the 16 years that he shared life with you. He made you laugh, you had bedroom time, and you have many neat memories.

Don't throw those memories away just because it did not last until the day one of you died.

I'm not suggesting you to become his doormat, and pretend that what he did is behavior that you condone. No way!! He is a vow breaker, and does not deserve to be trusted by you ever again. What I'm saying is that a big part of my recovery was being able to thank my wife for the history we shared together.

Marriage is neat, and I refuse to let her turn me into a marriage-hating person.

I had 20 years of a great marriage, and I will not throw that all away pretending that I did not enjoy it.

Of course, I wanted another 20 years....and then another 20....haha....but that isn't going to happen, so I shook her hand, cried my eyes out, fully recovered, and I'm now living a great life. You can do it too.
LancasterAmos1966 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th March 2017, 3:30 AM   #24
Established Member
 
Mz. Pixie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: The South
Posts: 4,496
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momof3littleones View Post
I think it's definitely over. My husband called me before after I was texting to say it was a rough night with the kids because they were upset. He was really upset and apologetic and saying it was all his fault, not me, and he'll still always love me and take care of us. I just said he should have tried more, and he said that I shouldn't want to take him back. He said he cheated, he disrespected me, he's embarrassed, it hurts for him to see me, he can't face my family. It just sounds like it's definitely over. I think it's knowing we can't ever be normal again like before. It's just so painful because the future I thought I had with him is gone.
First of all, I'm incredibly sorry you're here.

I'm kinda a just as I see it girl and will get right to it.

2. He's turning this around so he looks like the victim. Your post above contains tons of those statements. If he really felt bad about what he's done he would face your parents and do whatever it took to fix his marriage. Including counseling. He wouldn't be spouting about how awful he feels. You're the victim here. And your kids.

3. This is his fault not hers. He thinks ok vows with you. Yes he should quit his job. He cannot be in contact with an affair partner.

4. He's allowing you to meet some of his needs. Family time-a little sex-keeping it friendly. Make no mistake he's allowing the OW to meet his other needs. Ever heard of having your cake and eating it too? This is what he's trying to do. You need to let him know that he needs to cut contact including finding employment elsewhere and get in counseling with you. If not- you won't be his buddy. There will be no hanging out with the kiddos like a family. That's for a man who has earned that. And frankly you wouldn't let a friend treat you like this.

5. Stop letting him decide the future of the relationship. You have the power to do that. You do not have to wait until he decides to be married. Choose for yourself.

6. Expose the affair to his workplace. He will be angry and say things like "you've really ended our marriage now" and crap like that. It's not true but he will react like an addict without his drug. Many companies are against this and one of them may get terminated. Expose to his friends. His parents. Her parents. Make sure you retort "no your continued contact with your affair partner is a slap in the face to me and your children. I won't stand for it".
Do not threaten this or warn him. Just do it before he paints you as crazy.

7. Make sure he's keeping the kids and bring a dad during separation. He should t have all the down time. And set up a child support schedule now while separated.

Take care of your mind and spirit right now.
__________________
Sweetie, it's all true!
Mz. Pixie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th March 2017, 4:19 PM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 61
Thank you. We actually got to talk a little this past weekend in person. No more physical stuff because that's just not going to help things right now. From talking to him, I don't think he's seeing her anymore though he does have to talk to her at work which is still not okay with me.

I just don't know. I can wait for a few months to see how things go, but I can't drag this out for too long. He says things like this is my house now and stuff, but then says he wants to do things with me and I said not if things are over we can't. And he just said well we can't see how things go if we don't spend time together. He's reluctant to sign a lease in case things get better. I think he feels like I shouldn't take him back for what he did, and he's ashamed. He's not doing well. I thought he was, but he's not. I think we both have to take care of ourselves right now and just let things be for a little. I let him come here, and we are talking cordially with the kids. I guess just trying to be friends now.

Maybe I have to see what I really want too. Right now I got to get myself to be happy alone. I need the nice weather to get here because I always feel better mentally when I can get outside and do things. Feeling like this with the cold weather is the worst.
Momof3littleones is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2017, 12:32 AM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 61
It's over. He will not do marriage counseling, and he will not look into changing his job position out of that office where she is. Honestly it's just excuses about why he can't work on it and that he can't meet my demands. Time to throw in the towel. But it really sucks.
Momof3littleones is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2017, 2:56 AM   #27
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,393
I am sorry...

But there is life after divorce, I know that is not what you want.

But is he is done, then just move on. It is scary, but you will live through it.
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2017, 9:30 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 61
I'm sure there is, it's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now. And thinking about if we stay here or should move somewhere else next year. All these decisions. But you're right, it's better to move on.

I feel like I know he's done, and then I said I can't see you for a long time then because he had still wanted to do things together. I would have if it was with a chance to work it out, but if that's not happening, why torment myself? And then when I say okay I guess we know it's over, if you say you'll never change your mind about that, he's like okay you said it's over. Well if we know you won't change your mind, let's just end it now then instead of dragging it out. I might just have to stay separated until I get a job next year with health insurance when my daughter is in kindergarten.
Momof3littleones is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2017, 10:13 AM   #29
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,393
You I am sure you are not perfect...

You I am sure you are not perfect...

None of us are, what I would not have given for a woman like you years ago.

There will be other men out there the feel the same way.

You hang in there, I promise it will get better...
BluesPower is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th March 2017, 2:19 PM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 61
I know, it has to get better. There has to be an end to that pain eventually where it doesn't hurt, but still I'm going to have to go through this process where it hurts, and I'll cry and I just wish I could fast forward through it.

He's not a bad person for not wanting to be married because ultimately his excuses mean that. Then he tries to backtrack and say maybe it'll change down the road that he'll change his mind, but he told me yesterday he would never change his mind. I think he just wants me to be able to be around him sometimes to be civil and do things together, but I'm not going to spend time together as a family. I'll be civil of course though. It just sucks that life as I know it will be different, and it's scary.
Momof3littleones is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
want to separate from husband, he does not. baba Separation and Divorce 1 8th November 2009 3:18 PM
My husband is hurting Island Girl Long-Distance Relationships 39 1st July 2009 5:20 PM
My husband wants to separate mikicmikido Separation and Divorce 30 17th March 2007 6:59 PM
Husband is hurting and confusing me catwoman Marriage & Life Partnerships 7 21st September 2004 7:57 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 6:48 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.