How to successfully in house separate?

[Red123]

I know this is not easy no matter how it's done, but does anyone have tips on how a married couple can truly separate while living in the same home? One person moving out is not possible for at least a year.

[mikeylo]

First , make sure it's not more than a year. If not , before you know it, it's 2 or 3 years. That deadline will make you see the end coming closer.

 

In house separation will be very draining and at most times be more in your mind than practically.

 

Use kitchen at different times. Buy own groceries. Sleep in separate rooms. Run errands yourselves. Doctor and kids visits also separate.

 

Like sharing the concrete house but doing your own thing. Easier said than done

[Red123]

First , make sure it's not more than a year. If not , before you know it, it's 2 or 3 years. That deadline will make you see the end coming closer.

 

In house separation will be very draining and at most times be more in your mind than practically.

 

Use kitchen at different times. Buy own groceries. Sleep in separate rooms. Run errands yourselves. Doctor and kids visits also separate.

 

Like sharing the concrete house but doing your own thing. Easier said than done

 

It sounds doable but yes draining, taking the comfort out of home.

[carhill]

Take the legal steps to separate relevant to your jurisdiction. Separation documents, mediation of financial and custody issues, separating finances, etc, etc.

 

We actually had separate homes during my separation/divorce period, with exW getting one of our homes to live in, temporarily, later permanently, but I could have easily partitioned our historical home into separate domiciles for temporary in-house separation. Big house, easily done. Use your imagination with focus on the goal of being divorced and out of each other's life and everything else will fall into line.

[Mr. Lucky]

T I could have easily partitioned our historical home into separate domiciles for temporary in-house separation. Big house, easily done.

 

Why am I picturing a duct tape line across the middle of the house ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Actually, a temp wall in the quite wide hallway would've been fine. There are four entrances into the house plus I had an office and shop and RV to live in if I wanted. Partitioning the house would've taken an afternoon and maybe 50 bucks in materials if bought. Stick the fridge from the shop in there and a hot plate and I'm good to go. ExW would've gotten the kitchen, bedroom, living room, dining room and two bathrooms. Easy peasy. If one puts their mind to it, we can do anything.

[Mr. Lucky]

Partitioning the house would've taken an afternoon and maybe 50 bucks in materials if bought.

 

Red123, are you picturing any kind of physical separation like this?

 

A year is a long time ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

We have a two family so it was easy. Lol

 

You have kids? It will be hard.

 

My suggestion is to write out a separation agreement. You can find them online. I think I read you're not sure about R? You don't have to get the SA filed but use it as a guideline.

 

Then make a schedule. When it's his night with the kids, plan to be out of the house and / or locked in your room and vice versa. Have dinner as a family a couple times a week for the kids sake if you please.

 

Buy a form sized fridge for the one moving "out" so you don't have to share food. If you have two showers- designate one to each person. Plan times for laundry, and decide who will be doing what chores.

 

The kitchen sharing will be tough. Both should agree not to have new "visitors" in the house.

 

If your WS has a current AP... this will never work....you will feel awful the whole time. I hope that's not the case

[Popsicle]

Just pretend like everything is normal like it was before for the next year. Act like you did before the filing of divorce. Then when the year is up, get real and move out.

[Snow7]

One year is a long time. I am 2 weeks into a 6 weeks period and it's killing me.

 

Like the previous poster said, I thought it would be just like we have lived for years but it hasn't been that way. It's much, much worse. I clean the house out of habit and then I'm thinking it's not even really my house anymore. I realize many people don't have a choice because of their financial position, so you do the best that you can. Do you have children?

 

Anyway, the others have made good suggestions. We have not implemented any rules because it's a short period of time and both of us want to spend as much time with our child.

[mikeylo]

It sounds doable but yes draining, taking the comfort out of home.

 

If it's amicable then it's doable but if not , things can go extremely frustrating.

 

Make an exit plan as fast as possible.

[Red123]

Red123, are you picturing any kind of physical separation like this?

 

A year is a long time ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Physically not sleeping in the same room anymore, our kids are teen age and early 20s so eating together only happens a couple of times a week anyway. I'm not sure exactly what would work but I'm trying to work it out in my head.

[Ronni_W]

I know this is not easy no matter how it's done, but does anyone have tips on how a married couple can truly separate while living in the same home?

For all sorts of reasons -- some just plain crazy, and some...well, not as crazy -- my ex-h and I lived in our 'former matrimonial home' for almost a decade. We never had any even-remote ideas about any sort of reconciliation, though.

 

At the beginning it was mentally-emotionally more difficult, but, after about two years it really wasn't. At the same time, I would say that it's not for everybody; it does take a certain level of mutual trust and respect for each other...because, IMO, you do have to be able to and to desire to actually be friends. (Not unlike choosing any roommate.)

 

Our only rule was that we didn't get to bring dates back to the shared home. If we were trying an in-home separation with a view to eventual reconciliation, then most likely we would have taken any type of dating off the table. At least. I certainly would have insisted upon it; I can't speak for him, on that.

[Jj66]

In house separations are not legally recognized where I live. You have to live separate and apart for a year and a day before you can file for divorce here. My gf got her divorce while still living with her ex husband. Different rules for different states.

[Jersey born raised]

If you have earlier threads on the subject of dating, sorry I have not read them. I endured a same house separation for 4 months why WW activity dated. I thank god I took an overnight position and neighbors (and inlaws) who would tolerate her allowing anyone else but her and myself into the home.

So only occasionally I had to "watch" her get ready for a date.

 

This was long before LS and with out reading a lot of books. In hindsight I am proud of how I handled myself overall and how instinctive the 180 was to me.

 

So before I answer are either of you dating and what are the ground rules.

[Mz. Pixie]

Red123, are you picturing any kind of physical separation like this?

 

A year is a long time ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Just no. If you can't afford to divorce you're not ready to. Both of you.

[Red123]

If you have earlier threads on the subject of dating, sorry I have not read them. I endured a same house separation for 4 months why WW activity dated. I thank god I took an overnight position and neighbors (and inlaws) who would tolerate her allowing anyone else but her and myself into the home.

So only occasionally I had to "watch" her get ready for a date.

 

This was long before LS and with out reading a lot of books. In hindsight I am proud of how I handled myself overall and how instinctive the 180 was to me.

 

So before I answer are either of you dating and what are the ground rules.

 

No talk of that at all. He is a WH. So maybe he is still seeing her. He says it's over but I have zero trust so it really doesn't matter at this time. Our kids both live with us so there would not be any others welcome in our home on either side.

[Red123]

Just no. If you can't afford to divorce you're not ready to. Both of you.

 

What does not having the money to divorce have to do with being ready to separate. There is good reason to separate and the pressure of being in a relationship with him is very hard for me at this time.

[hl1962]

We have been in-house separating since 2014. During 20+ years of marriage, we didn't do anything together. He celebrates nothing. I did everything with the kids when he went in/out of the house at will. I detached long time ago. When the younger kid went off to college in 2014, I wanted to move out and a divorce. Initially, he threatened to cut me off financially, which I had no problem with, then he turned 360 and wanted to save the marriage. No way. He said he'd leave, then moved to basement. I don't talk to him, nor answer his text unless it's about the kids and absolutely necessary. I handed him the divorce paper, which he set aside. We seldom see each other. I play tennis/badminton, go to gym etc. He's out a lot too. He and kids go to his sister's for holidays which I stopped going. I'm helping him detach I guess.