Should I divorce my wife of three years

[feeling_low]

Of late, I have found out that my wife of three years has been talking to an ex of hers. Also, to another person who she had a crush on before we got married.

 

I know for a fact that she asked this crush of hers "what would you say if I said hell to everything and just wanted to come and stay with you for two months" and to this the guy said "just let me know when". But towards the end of the conversation she did also say that "I know it will never happen", with a resigned sigh.

 

As for talks with the ex, it ranges anywhere between their former sex life to how they still feel or had felt for each other. The ex had even sent her a love letter while we were married, which she felt elated about

 

I am not proud of this but I did some snooping around to find out all of this. I did this snooping after her behavior changed at home. I found that she all of a sudden was complaining that I don't give her attention, I don't romance her and that I don't think she is special and all that. I care for my wife and am not a romantic guy by nature. But I do put her emotional well being at the front and do everything I can to make sure she feels secure. I have never even so much as fantasized about being with anyone else.

 

All this makes me angry now as I know my wife doesn't feel the same way about me. What is frustrating is that she showers me with complements when I am around her friends but these kind of talks with her ex and crush continue. I am sensing that she is doing it out of guilt more than anything else.

 

Either way, I have now started to think about divorce as I don't think she is right for me and I certainly don't think I am right for her.

 

Can you please give me your perspective about this. Isn't what she has done or is doing very wrong? I know its not cheating but it feels like that to me!

 

Will I be acting too harshly if I initiate divorce? I think that after knowing what I know, I can never be the same way with her. I definitely can't become romantic like she wants me to. I will still care for her but I don't think I can love her.

[basil67]

I think many couples would remember their vows and try and work through this.

 

However, given your attitude to your marriage and wife's needs, I think she'd be much happier with someone else. Walk away before you waste any more of her or your own time.

[feeling_low]

I think many couples would remember their vows and try and work through this.

 

However, given your attitude to your marriage and wife's needs, I think she'd be much happier with someone else. Walk away before you waste any more of her or your own time.

 

Thank you for your reply. Can you please elaborate on what this attitude of mine is. Am I being unreasonable. I get the sense that you think I have a poor attitude. Please tell me about it and I will think it over.

 

It isn't easy when your wife uses a crush's name when we are being intimate. I pretended like I didn't hear as I was quite shocked. There are so many other things as well. She always wants me to look a certain way. She is super-defensive and I can't tell her ANYTHING about making positive changes while gives me advice and lectures all the time.

[basil67]

Thank you for your reply. Can you please elaborate on what this attitude of mine is. Am I being unreasonable. I get the sense that you think I have a poor attitude. Please tell me about it and I will think it over.

 

It isn't easy when your wife uses a crush's name when we are being intimate. I pretended like I didn't hear as I was quite shocked. There are so many other things as well. She always wants me to look a certain way. She is super-defensive and I can't tell her ANYTHING about making positive changes while gives me advice and lectures all the time.

 

You won't be romantic, you don't think she's special and you can't love her.

[feeling_low]

You won't be romantic, you don't think she's special and you can't love her.

 

Hmm...Well, I certainly was in the first year of marriage. We are in a country where marriages are sometimes arranged. I come from a very conservative background where you save yourself for after marriage. I told her openly that this is why I am and she agreed to marry me. I didn't expect her to be the same way but I did also assume that she was also probably that way. After a year of marriage, my wife told me she had slept with two other men before marriage. Somehow things have been different since then. I didn't stop caring for her but romance did go out of the window. But I have been extremely supportive when it comes to her, doing everything else a husband needs to do to make his wife feel secure.

 

These recent conversations feel like a massive breach of trust though.

[feeling_low]

After a year of marriage, my wife told me she had slept with two other men before marriage.

 

What bothered me was the type of people these men were. They were complete opposites to me. She herself accepted that she married me when she was in a state of despair and when she was just tired of dating jerks. I was the safe guy. I have so much more to offer than just being a safe guy. I think that's why my switch was turned off, knowing that I was just a safe move.

[d0nnivain]

You see her as damaged goods because she wasn't a virgin when you married. That attitude has hurt her deeply.

 

 

If you can't get past that and divorce is legal in your country, go ahead an divorce her if you want. Whatever you do, don't bring kids into this. Do make sure she will be safe after your marriage ends.

[Rouik]

Is she aware that you know about her talking to her ex and former crush? If not I would say talk to her about it and let her know that you guys need to work on your marriage, seek counseling and guidance from other married couples. At the very least you need to bring it up to her before you move to divorce, give here the chance to make it right. Best of luck and you have my prayers while you navigate this difficult situation.

[dpass]

If you haven't talked to her about this you need to do that first. Yes, she is in the wrong but you need to learn to communicate. Too many marriages fail because of communication problems. If she feels like you have checked out of the marriage then she's going to as well. The lack of communication is on both of you.

[stillafool]

If she is having a problem with her husband she should be talking to you about it not her ex and her crush. She calls another man's name when you're making love? Totally unacceptable. I would tell her what you know and then dump her.

[whichwayisup]

Of late, I have found out that my wife of three years has been talking to an ex of hers. Also, to another person who she had a crush on before we got married.

 

I know for a fact that she asked this crush of hers "what would you say if I said hell to everything and just wanted to come and stay with you for two months" and to this the guy said "just let me know when". But towards the end of the conversation she did also say that "I know it will never happen", with a resigned sigh.

 

As for talks with the ex, it ranges anywhere between their former sex life to how they still feel or had felt for each other. The ex had even sent her a love letter while we were married, which she felt elated about

 

I am not proud of this but I did some snooping around to find out all of this. I did this snooping after her behavior changed at home. I found that she all of a sudden was complaining that I don't give her attention, I don't romance her and that I don't think she is special and all that. I care for my wife and am not a romantic guy by nature. But I do put her emotional well being at the front and do everything I can to make sure she feels secure. I have never even so much as fantasized about being with anyone else.

 

All this makes me angry now as I know my wife doesn't feel the same way about me. What is frustrating is that she showers me with complements when I am around her friends but these kind of talks with her ex and crush continue. I am sensing that she is doing it out of guilt more than anything else.

 

Either way, I have now started to think about divorce as I don't think she is right for me and I certainly don't think I am right for her.

 

Can you please give me your perspective about this. Isn't what she has done or is doing very wrong? I know its not cheating but it feels like that to me!

 

Will I be acting too harshly if I initiate divorce? I think that after knowing what I know, I can never be the same way with her. I definitely can't become romantic like she wants me to. I will still care for her but I don't think I can love her.

 

Why not go to marriage counseling and fix this before ending the marriage and filing for divorce? You two owe it to each other to at least give it your best before throwing in the towel.

 

She's unhappy, probably more reasons that have to do with her own issues rather than you and the marriage. 3 years in she shouldn't be feeling so bad, unless the marriage itself was a mistake from the beginning.

 

Communication and counseling is the key here before you do anything drastic.

[BuddyX]

If she is having a problem with her husband she should be talking to you about it not her ex and her crush. She calls another man's name when you're making love? Totally unacceptable. I would tell her what you know and then dump her.

 

What she's telling you is; "our marriage is having problems, and the solution is in another man's pants"

[AT15]

It sounds like she is no longer in love with you. Sometimes you can get it back, sometimes you can't. Sounds like you're not passionate about her any way. You say you care for her? I want my husband to be crazy about me.

[DDTA]

Hi feeling_low. My first ever post on this forum is going to be in your thread. I felt compelled to join and reply because of the initial responses to your plight implied that you are at fault for not being "romantic enough" or accepting enough to your cheating wife and that it was your fault.

 

It is not.

 

Your wife misrepresented herself by not divulging her past relationships and thus taking away your right to make an informed decision to marry her or not, accordingly to your beliefs. Yes, you say you would have married still if she had told you before hand but she did not allow you that choice, did she? By keeping her past relationships secret she removed your chance to demonstrate to her that despite her past history you love her enough to defy tradition and still marry her. I can't blame you for not wanting to be romantic with her since finding out her past. I bet the marriage probably feels much like a lie to you since then and especially now when she still acting in secrecy while having an emotional affair with two other men. And yes, it is an affair when she is intimately and emotionally having a conversation with others outside your marriage. Also, you have EVERY RIGHT to snoop in your marriage to find out what is going on. There should be no secrets in a marriage. In fact, honesty is one of the ingredients to a good foundation for a lasting and rewarding marriage. If you and your wife are interested in still fixing this then perhaps you should start there.

 

You should pick a time that you can sit her down and have a private conversation with her and tell her that she needs to make a very important choice right now. Tell her that you are aware of the secret conversations that she is having with other men. She may deny it or demand how you know but tell her that does not matter at the moment just that you absolutely know (do not say how you know because for all she knows someone in the neighborhood may have overheard her conversations) and that you do not approve of this. However, tell her that she is free to go see one man or the other, or ALL of them, but she cannot do so while she is your wife. Tell her that you prefer to be in a better marriage with her and are willing work hard to rebuild the foundation of the relationship but this cannot happen while there is more than two people in the relationship. She must choose now to either fully commit to rebuilding the relationship with you or she must immediately make arrangements to leave the home to be with family, friend, or the any of those other men while you will make arrangements for divorce.

 

If she chooses to rebuild with you make it clear that it will not be a guarantee that the marriage will survive. You may decide later to not reconcile with her in the end. Heck, she may decide that herself as well. The only thing you can guarantee is that you will put your best effort into fixing what is broken and making improvements where you can. There will also be requirement to reconcile and that she must send all of those other men a message of no contact. She must create this message, with your approval, that let them know that you are aware of their inappropriate conversations and properly conveys that she will no longer contact these men and that they should no longer attempt to contact her because she is going to work on her marriage with you. When I mean properly, I mean nothing like "I am no longer to contact you, but will always miss our conversations and cherish them." Proper is along the lines of "My husband found out about our messages and I agree with him that they are inappropriate. I will no longer be contacting you from this point forward and ask that you no longer attempt to contact me. I am choosing to work with my husband for a better marriage.

 

You must also make it clear that she must be transparent from now on as to who she associates with and where she goes. Tell her she needs to demonstrate that she can be a safe person to you. Make clear that you will not be a detective in the marriage to constantly keep tabs on her, but that at any point you feel the need for example to see who she is messaging on her phone she should willingly oblige, without hesitation, hand over her phone. If she has a screen lock on it then she must share the passcode. Tell her that you will be transparent for her as well because "there can be no secrets in the marriage"

 

She must also write out a timeline of when she began to reach out to these men. She needs to provide as must detail as you need because if you are left to guess then you will assume the worst. If she leaves anything truth out and you find out later it will jeopardize the reconciliation. Tell her you can take the pain of the details from her now than you will if you find out she lied about them later.

 

If you happen to find out that she did meet either of these men and had sex (even if claimed using protection) with them that you both must go take an STD test and will not have sex until the results are given. Frankly, feeling_low, if you find out she did have sex with either of them I would be surprised if you still would want to reconcile. Most men will say that is the deal breaker, including me.

 

Anyway, if you are reading this far and thinking reconciliation is just too much work then I suggest just secretly meeting an attorney about the divorce process and getting that started. I would also printout any of those messages between her and those men as evidence in case she wants to others you are to blame for the divorce.

[feeling_low]

Is she aware that you know about her talking to her ex and former crush? If not I would say talk to her about it and let her know that you guys need to work on your marriage, seek counseling and guidance from other married couples. At the very least you need to bring it up to her before you move to divorce, give here the chance to make it right. Best of luck and you have my prayers while you navigate this difficult situation.

No, she isn't aware. She doesn't talk like this often. But it looks like once in a while she just needs to do it. Also, both the men in question are out of town. I wonder what she will do if they were in town. I am guessing the chatting will be a lot more frequent.

 

If you haven't talked to her about this you need to do that first. Yes, she is in the wrong but you need to learn to communicate. Too many marriages fail because of communication problems. If she feels like you have checked out of the marriage then she's going to as well. The lack of communication is on both of you.

 

I did tell her once that I don't want her talking to people with whom she has feelings for or has had relationships with. I told her this very specifically, telling her that it will be healthy for her. She promised that she only talks to friends. But, I now know that she slept with her ex and has fooled around to a certain extent with this crush. What annoys me a great deal is that she made me go to dinner with this crush of hers, when I had no clue that they were into each other.

 

If she is having a problem with her husband she should be talking to you about it not her ex and her crush. She calls another man's name when you're making love? Totally unacceptable. I would tell her what you know and then dump her.

 

I am starting to feel like how you feel. I think I have been digging deep to cut her excuses, blaming her baggage etc. But then I have been nothing but a loyal, supportive and faithful husband. Maybe not very romantic. But it is because I don't have romantic bones. Not because I don't give a ****!

 

Why not go to marriage counseling and fix this before ending the marriage and filing for divorce? You two owe it to each other to at least give it your best before throwing in the towel.

 

She's unhappy, probably more reasons that have to do with her own issues rather than you and the marriage. 3 years in she shouldn't be feeling so bad, unless the marriage itself was a mistake from the beginning.

 

Communication and counseling is the key here before you do anything drastic.

 

I know this is what I should do. But it has been tough for me as well. I have helped out her side of the family financially. I have calmed her through so many episodes where she has had communication breakdowns with family, friends and also at work. I have been a rock. I even agreed to her quitting her job for more than a year, while I supported her, though we initially made purchases with two incomes in mind. If she can talk to someone like this after all this, I just don't get it. What is it that there is for me in this marriage. Guys want something as well.

 

 

What she's telling you is; "our marriage is having problems, and the solution is in another man's pants"

 

I think it is just chatting now. I don't think there has been anything physical. I don't think she will do that. But then, I never for a thousand years thought she could speak to someone like this.

 

It sounds like she is no longer in love with you. Sometimes you can get it back, sometimes you can't. Sounds like you're not passionate about her any way. You say you care for her? I want my husband to be crazy about me.

 

Well, I have sacrificed a lot for her. What do you mean by be crazy for her. I will give you an example. She breaks something in the house, I immediately go to help her, ignoring whatever was broken. I break something, I get chided for being clumsy and absent minded. I have to dress a certain way. I have to cut my hair a certain way. Maybe I can't be crazy about her. But she can be a little less crazy!

[feeling_low]

Hi feeling_low. My first ever post on this forum is going to be in your thread. I felt compelled to join and reply because of the initial responses to your plight implied that you are at fault for not being "romantic enough" or accepting enough to your cheating wife and that it was your fault.

 

It is not.

 

Your wife misrepresented herself by not divulging her past relationships and thus taking away your right to make an informed decision to marry her or not, accordingly to your beliefs. Yes, you say you would have married still if she had told you before hand but she did not allow you that choice, did she? By keeping her past relationships secret she removed your chance to demonstrate to her that despite her past history you love her enough to defy tradition and still marry her. I can't blame you for not wanting to be romantic with her since finding out her past. I bet the marriage probably feels much like a lie to you since then and especially now when she still acting in secrecy while having an emotional affair with two other men. And yes, it is an affair when she is intimately and emotionally having a conversation with others outside your marriage. Also, you have EVERY RIGHT to snoop in your marriage to find out what is going on. There should be no secrets in a marriage. In fact, honesty is one of the ingredients to a good foundation for a lasting and rewarding marriage. If you and your wife are interested in still fixing this then perhaps you should start there.

 

You should pick a time that you can sit her down and have a private conversation with her and tell her that she needs to make a very important choice right now. Tell her that you are aware of the secret conversations that she is having with other men. She may deny it or demand how you know but tell her that does not matter at the moment just that you absolutely know (do not say how you know because for all she knows someone in the neighborhood may have overheard her conversations) and that you do not approve of this. However, tell her that she is free to go see one man or the other, or ALL of them, but she cannot do so while she is your wife. Tell her that you prefer to be in a better marriage with her and are willing work hard to rebuild the foundation of the relationship but this cannot happen while there is more than two people in the relationship. She must choose now to either fully commit to rebuilding the relationship with you or she must immediately make arrangements to leave the home to be with family, friend, or the any of those other men while you will make arrangements for divorce.

 

If she chooses to rebuild with you make it clear that it will not be a guarantee that the marriage will survive. You may decide later to not reconcile with her in the end. Heck, she may decide that herself as well. The only thing you can guarantee is that you will put your best effort into fixing what is broken and making improvements where you can. There will also be requirement to reconcile and that she must send all of those other men a message of no contact. She must create this message, with your approval, that let them know that you are aware of their inappropriate conversations and properly conveys that she will no longer contact these men and that they should no longer attempt to contact her because she is going to work on her marriage with you. When I mean properly, I mean nothing like "I am no longer to contact you, but will always miss our conversations and cherish them." Proper is along the lines of "My husband found out about our messages and I agree with him that they are inappropriate. I will no longer be contacting you from this point forward and ask that you no longer attempt to contact me. I am choosing to work with my husband for a better marriage.

 

You must also make it clear that she must be transparent from now on as to who she associates with and where she goes. Tell her she needs to demonstrate that she can be a safe person to you. Make clear that you will not be a detective in the marriage to constantly keep tabs on her, but that at any point you feel the need for example to see who she is messaging on her phone she should willingly oblige, without hesitation, hand over her phone. If she has a screen lock on it then she must share the passcode. Tell her that you will be transparent for her as well because "there can be no secrets in the marriage"

 

She must also write out a timeline of when she began to reach out to these men. She needs to provide as must detail as you need because if you are left to guess then you will assume the worst. If she leaves anything truth out and you find out later it will jeopardize the reconciliation. Tell her you can take the pain of the details from her now than you will if you find out she lied about them later.

 

If you happen to find out that she did meet either of these men and had sex (even if claimed using protection) with them that you both must go take an STD test and will not have sex until the results are given. Frankly, feeling_low, if you find out she did have sex with either of them I would be surprised if you still would want to reconcile. Most men will say that is the deal breaker, including me.

 

Anyway, if you are reading this far and thinking reconciliation is just too much work then I suggest just secretly meeting an attorney about the divorce process and getting that started. I would also printout any of those messages between her and those men as evidence in case she wants to others you are to blame for the divorce.

 

Wow DDTA. First of all, thanks so much for taking this much time out to help a stranger. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

 

You make some excellent points. I want to especially thank you for the support against the first few responses here. Reading them made me wonder if I indeed was to blame.

 

But then, I think back of our life and I feel I have been extremely adjusting and gracious to the many times she has behaved in a flawed manner. She has been rude to me several times and has used emotional blackmail to mend to her ways. I remember so many occasions where she has stormed off and I have had to go and persuade her to talk to me, to get back on talking terms. And she gets angry for silly reasons.

 

So many times she has told me that I take her for granted, when I might have carelessly forgotten something. Like once, I spilled a little coffee in her car seat and came up with an intention to go clean it. But I forgot and settled into work as I work out of home. She went to her car to get to work and called me and spoke for 20 minutes about that spill, saying I wouldn't have left it there if I didn't taken her for granted.

 

I fold the clothes, do the dishes and she just leaves her dirty clothes around everywhere. Just a few times I have told her to leave them in the washer. Mostly I just take it there. Maybe I should have told her that she takes me for granted. The only time she gets involved with the house chores is when people are coming over. Then she is in overdrive mode, making everything pretty.

 

I also want to ask people about something else. Every time she comes back from work, she wants me to hug her and hold her. Sometimes she comes back at 11 PM because she goes to work only in the afternoon. I go play some racquetball before she comes back home and am just wiped out and relaxing. I do get up and greet her at the door and sometimes do a quick hug but she wants a kiss, hug and hold and says I never do it because I don't care for her. This sometimes happens at even 1 AM, after we have watched a late night show. I do hug but I sometimes try to break off the long hug but she gets immediately frustrated. We have had discussions about how I don't hug her enough at 1 AM in the morning.

 

I have told her that she needs to focus on the solidity I bring to the marriage and how I am there for her in areas that count; mental support, financial stability, companionship and of course physical needs beyond just hugging. But it always comes back to this topic and it annoys the hell out of me. I have also noticed that she wants these long hugs when she has spoken to these men. Now that I know, I can't stand these "special hugs" for even a second, as I know that she is doing it to feed her fantasies.

 

I am sometimes so confused by her as well. Every time people come over, she tells people hundreds of compliments about me. Even when she is alone with me, she does things like playfully adore me for being cute or whatever. But then she goes on to have conversations like this with these people.

 

In these conversations, she sometimes even says that I am a good guy and that she is happy with me. But then she also says contradicting things like "I wish I was single". Once this douche bag that is her crush was talking about some other girl's ass and she says "that's so mean, I thought you only liked mine". Wtf!

 

I don't understand how she can say I am adorable and even be loving when alone when she can talk like that to someone. Maybe she is deluded when she talks to them or maybe she is deluded when she is with me. That is what I am trying to figure out.

 

But at the end of the day, I always conclude in my mind that what she has done is wrong and inexcusable, as I have been nothing but a good husband to her.

[DDTA]

But then, I think back of our life and I feel I have been extremely adjusting and gracious to the many times she has behaved in a flawed manner. She has been rude to me several times and has used emotional blackmail to mend to her ways. I remember so many occasions where she has stormed off and I have had to go and persuade her to talk to me, to get back on talking terms. And she gets angry for silly reasons.

 

This is probably why her ex and the "crush" never really wanted to go further in the relationship with her in the past. They wouldn't put up with that behavior because all of that is MANIPULATIVE. But, you are more patient with her than anyone I presume and it sounds like your patience is running out.

 

I fold the clothes, do the dishes and she just leaves her dirty clothes around everywhere. Just a few times I have told her to leave them in the washer. Mostly I just take it there. Maybe I should have told her that she takes me for granted.

 

It sounds like you both have different "love" languages and are not recognizing and responding to them properly. Her love language is affection and attention while yours is providing service. Google "love languages" to learn more. The quick explanation to improving things is she helps more around the house (which makes you feel appreciated) and you schedule more alone time with her to dote, cuddle and compliment her (which makes her feel she is special to you) and you speak to each other's love language.

 

 

The only time she gets involved with the house chores is when people are coming over. Then she is in overdrive mode, making everything pretty.

 

 

Pay attention to that right there. She clearly places importance on "appearances". This explains her publicly doting and complimenting you because she is maintaining appearance of a happy marriage with others. Now, what would happen if you did the same with her? If she spoke your love language and helped more around the house thus making you feel more appreciated you BETTER openly compliment her to others at the next gathering of friends and family. You better dote on her about what a wonderful, beautiful, and loving woman she is and how lucky you feel to have her as your wife. You not only say all that but really mean it and tell her again AFTER everyone goes home. You do that and it fills her emotional "love" bank and in turn she will want to do more service oriented things for you so that you have your "love" bank filled as well. If I were you, I wouldn't wait for her to make you feel appreciated first before complimenting her. I would go ahead and do it and then see here reaction to it. Lead by example. If you want change then YOU take the initiative and hopefully she follows your example. HOWEVER, before you do ANY of that you need to address a serious issue that is undermining your marriage and any of your efforts to improve it.

 

At the moment, her emotional "love" bank is getting filled by her Ex and the "Crush". That needs to be nipped in the bud right now and you better do it in a way that will communicate to her that not only is that highly inappropriate but also has a chance to end the marriage if she does not stop immediately. Look, affairs start with the emotional connection first. It is called an emotional affair because it is initial stages of a full blown affair. Your wife is "fishing" for an affair partner, testing their boundaries to see which is willing to engage and how much she can rationalize taking it from just "talking" to then having sex with them. She is saying things like "...I wish I were single..." to see if either of them will massage her ego with a response similar to "Oh, if you were I would treat you like a queen and take you to exotic places where we wine, dine and make love on a moonlit beach..." all that bullcrap. It won't be long before she takes them up on their offers. Now, I can tell you that the day she stops openly complimenting you, asking you for hugs and attention, nagging you about all of it and leaving you alone you may think "Finaly! She now gets it!" when in fact she is "getting it" and it will be from one, or both, of those two douche bags.

 

So, if you are genuinely interested in improving the marriage,

 

1 - Tell her she must stop contact with those douche bags. She agrees to send a message of No Contact that you BOTH send to each of them, or even call them together with her talking and you listening on the phone. She agrees to be transparent to you to show you that she is maintaining no contact with these guys or any other men in the future.

2 - Talk honestly about each others expectations in the marriage and find a common ground. Also divulge to each other secrets about yourselves, your past that have not come to light. Her telling you about her past sexual experience only AFTER she married you is bullcrap. Lay EVERYTHING on the table about yourselves, things you would not tell anyone else, and you will find that kind of honesty will generate a unique kind of intimacy that cannot be found elsewhere that you both may find to strengthen the love.

3 - You both commit to make the marriage better by meeting each others needs (learn the love languages). She learns to be a better contributor to the home life and YOU learn to be a better lover to your wife. There a re PLENTY of books and materials out there for you both. I suggest you both find these materials together and set aside time to work on them together. I bet you both would have fun with the endeavor if you both put in a good effort.

4 - Most of all be patient with each other. This all won't turn into sunshine and rainbows in a day.

5 - Look into marriage counseling, if anything so that the counselor can keep tabs on the progress and also mediate between you if issues occur along the way. But DO NOT start it without first stopping her emotional affair with those douche bags.

 

Look, all marriages take work. I think you both are doing the work but not getting appreciated in your own ways so there is a LOT of miscommunication going on. You both also seem to have a very different idea of what the marriage should be. You both need to get on the same page with regard to expectations and the goal of making the marriage better.

[BluesPower]

I have no idea what country your from, though your English is very good.

 

Your "wife" is having at least one affair with the crush and or the ex. Why no one has said that before is kind of a mystery to me.

 

Listening to your questions and your responses, I have to ask: Are you really that naïve about your wife and what is going on? Do you understand that word naïve?

 

She called out her crush's name while you were screwing her, come on man....

 

If you are in an Muslim country, get her out of the country before divorce her. And learn something about women before you marry another one.

[Sweetfish]

Sounds like your wife settled for the more reliable guy and wants to go back to the unreliable ones... but stuck in the best situation for the greater good.

[sandylee1]

If it was me, I'd tell my husband that he is free to go back to his Ex, as I'm aware he still has feelings for her and is in contact with her.

 

I'd tell him I'm not going to be in a marriage where he calls another woman's name during intimacy and from here on in, I'd disengage.

 

If he starts talking and is honest, then I'd think about staying married, otherwise I'd be going down the divorce route.

[TheDawg]

Of late, I have found out that my wife of three years has been talking to an ex of hers. Also, to another person who she had a crush on before we got married.

 

I know for a fact that she asked this crush of hers "what would you say if I said hell to everything and just wanted to come and stay with you for two months" and to this the guy said "just let me know when".

 

 

I stopped reading right there. Be done with her. Get out now while you can. It's beyond obvious she's thinking of other men and you guys are THREE years into being married? You think this is going to change for the better? No way. I can guarantee you she will be in bed with one or more of them in under a year. Spare your feelings and show yourself some self-respect. Dump her ass now.

[inuyoshi]

Run man, runnnnn!!!!!

[feeling_low]

You better dote on her about what a wonderful, beautiful, and loving woman she is and how lucky you feel to have her as your wife. You not only say all that but really mean it and tell her again AFTER everyone goes home.

 

I think this is where I am having trouble DDTA. I accepted to marry her after only a few hours of conversation. It was an arranged marriage where your parents mostly think you are a good match, and then let us speak to each other to find out if we are compatible. I know it sounds strange but millions of people get married like this in India.

 

When I did speak with her, she sounded like such a confident person, funny, without emotional issues and with strong values and ethics. But, I have no found that she is so emotionally fragile and actually very emotionally selfish without knowing it. Everything becomes about her. Yesterday's example. I watched a sports match while she was out and somebody I liked in the match won. I told her about it and all she could talk about was the casual comment she made about that person winning a few days before. A little pride is good. But, she went on and on and then eventually said I don't appreciate her intuition about guessing the right winner . I mean. Come on man. It was a guess and I did giver her credit that she guessed right. But, it almost became one of those complicated conversations. She always looks for validation.

 

This is just a trivial example. Once my parents living in a tornado affected region were temporarily displaced and we housed them at our place. They came at 4 PM and were dead tired from being without power and electricity for a couple of days and just wanted to get some rest. My wife tended to them initially and then went off into some conversation about her past experiences in life and became emotional for no reason. She spoke this way for more than 2 hours and my 70 year old father said it was getting a little late and that we should all sleep. The situation exploded. She ended up crying and calling my parents insensitive for not listening to her at an emotional time. My father ended up apologizing to her and only then did things settle a bit. This is the kind of emotional blackmail that goes on. I have to walk around eggshells to make sure she doesn't go into that emotional blackmail mode.

 

I want to be free and relaxed when I am around her as well. It is not that I want to take her for granted but I want to be myself as I am a reasonable person. I don't think I can do all that with her.

 

To make things worse, these revelations about her conversations have made me less tolerant and generally not very appreciative of her. So, if I had to compliment, I would really have to fake it. I am sure there will be some genuine ones but I don't think I can ever do what you generally want me to, at least with a straight face.

 

She has a lot of good qualities as well. But then I have those good qualities as well and I have just assumed that being good is what you basically do, without looking for people to compliment you about it.

[feeling_low]

1 - Tell her she must stop contact with those douche bags. She agrees to send a message of No Contact that you BOTH send to each of them, or even call them together with her talking and you listening on the phone. She agrees to be transparent to you to show you that she is maintaining no contact with these guys or any other men in the future.

 

I think I will do this. I quite honestly think that she will go on the offensive, calling me insecure and maybe even cheap for spying on her. I am not proud of what I did but then it revealed something quite significant. If she goes on the offensive, I might just lose it completely and end it right there.

[Jersey born raised]

You should read the 5 love languages, use a search engine.

 

You should read His Needs...Her Needs, again use a search engine.

 

You should also read material that is geared for your culture and heritage.

 

Compare all them, mix and match.

 

I read several interesting post by I believe Manfromlamancha to a man from India. He was English but lived among Sikhs for decades. The man's marriage was also arranged. The thread was very enlighting. His was a lone voice. Again and again he kept explainig why for this marriage the advise that was given was wrong.

 

I will try to find it for you but it has been awhile but when the poster stopped posting the marriage seemed to be going in the right direction.

 

Have you heard the expression "hidden expectations"? Many marriages have this issue on both sides.

 

Mean while do some reading and keep posting your thoughts.