Misconstrued Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 This morning I had to cancel my wedding plans. Why?, might you ask. Well, it started back in October - something/someone has changed him or he's been hiding this person all along. Back in October, our usual routine was interrupted when I went on vacation with family, he decided to stay behind because he had work. While I was away on vacation, I didn't hear from him at all, even though I had text to ask if he was getting on alright and how work was. Not one single text or call did I receive back. I started to panic after three days of no-word from him and considered going back home, until a family member informed me he was active on his Facebook and posting statuses about his day. I thought it was extremely odd, but a family member told me to enjoy my vacation and not to worry about it, making excuses for him. So I did. After I got back from vacation, I confronted him asking him why he didn't text or call, and his excuse was that his texts weren't going through, and stupidly, I accepted that excuse. After this, things were "okay" but something was different about him. He stopped texting me while I was at work, which he used to do all the time, he stopped sleeping with me, flirting with me, making me feel special etc. He would avoid going out with me in public and ignore every text I sent him when I was out. However, he would be on his Facebook on his phone constantly, and I don't have one so I have no idea what was keeping him on there so occupied and whenever I asked, it was "work" or a "game". After a month of this, I began really feeling depressed and worthless. I started to question us and even myself. I told myself to see how Christmas and New Years goes and if nothing changes, to make a drastic change for myself. So I did. Him being Irish, he had to fly to Ireland to spend Christmas and New Years with his family, his last Christmas with them in Ireland before he marries me, and I decided to spend it with my family here in Scotland. I also wasn't really feeling Christmas this year, due to a death in my family who I was very close with, which he knew about and respected, so I did want some time away from him as well because I knew if he carried on the way he has been, then it would make me incredibly more depressed and non-enjoyable to be around. Surprisingly, he text me on Christmas day and we spoke through the phone. It was nice. Then on New Years we skyped and kissed each other on the bells through the phone, cheesy, I know. When he got back, things were amazing! We slept together, and he was being sweet, being his usual goofy self. He even asked me if I love him a few times over the next couple days and I jokingly said to him, "I like you a lot". However, the next day, all hell broke lose. I had to drive to Edinburgh for a work event and when I got home to tell him, he wasn't there. I left a note for him at home and drove to Edinburgh for work, and at 1AM when I was driving back home, I got a text from him asking where the "hell" I was. When I got home, he confronted me like I did something bad, questioning me about where I was and why and I explained to him I left him a note. I slept on the couch that night. Fast forward to today, I decided enough is enough. Over the past two weeks, he's went back to ignoring me, making me feel worthless and so I decided to chat to him about it today to which he unraveled that he has been seeing other women. We had a long chat about it, I didn't get mad because I am simply heart-broken and numb. I gave him the opportunity to fight for me and tell me he wants me, I told him he is obviously looking for someone or something specific, which isn't me, and I refuse to be his last resort or made feel that way, like he's settling for me when I'm not good enough for him, which is clear he feels that way or he wouldn't be sniffing around other women. And I told him this means I have to leave him. Instead of him saying he loves me and isn't settling for me but wants to actually be with me, he literally said, "I understand, take care". And so I left. I packed my things, I've moved back into my parents home with just my clothes and my car. I've given him the apartment we lived in, I've left him his engagement ring, left him all the things I also bought him because I honestly care for none of it anymore. I decided to pay off the only string that keeps me attached to him, which leaves me with £0 in my bank for the next month. It was a joint debt we both had to help pay for the wedding, but I paid it off and with the help of my parents, I hope to gt back onto my feet after this month. I can't believe I'm writing this, but I know it had to be done and I know I deserve better. I don't know what to do, what to think, I don't even know where to start. My whole world has changed within minutes. Is there anyone else in a similar situation? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Lilyana76 Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I'm so sorry you are going through this, my heart breaks for you. It's always hard picking up the pieces after a failed relationship. Spend lots of time with friends and family, get out in the world and find out who you are without the relationship. Join clubs, activities. Keep yourself busy. In time it won't seem so bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I have not had a similar situation, but better you found all this out now. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 In time, you'll be glad he gave it to you so coldly. In the meantime, it sounds like you'll have plenty of motivation to stay busy. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 I'm so sorry this has happened. I think in this case, No contact implemented as soon as possible, will help you on the way to your new, better life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Thanks, everyone. I don't particularly feel like being around friends right now or family. All my family are all coupled up and loved up with each other, married or engaged. It depresses me to be around them, and my friends are mutual friends with my ex so It's kind of awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Thanks, everyone. I don't particularly feel like being around friends right now or family. All my family are all coupled up and loved up with each other, married or engaged. It depresses me to be around them, and my friends are mutual friends with my ex so It's kind of awkward. Advice from my therapist - even if you don't want to do it - do it. You have to surround yourself with friends, family, and nature. Your friends all have bfs? Too bad, find some time to hang out with them and do something fun. You need to be around others more than anything right now. No excuses... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 VeveCakes, I don't have many friends, but most of them are mutual friends with my ex and most are in relationships or engaged. I know what you're saying. I do want to be around people, just not that kind. My best friend has been engaged for two years and every time I see them, they're all loved up, being cute. I've been literally sitting here all night thinking of ways to make new friends, discover new things, new places and such. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
enddeck Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 He got cold feet about getting married but didn't have the courage or honesty to talk to you about it.The fight about you going to Edinburgh was just the excuse he was looking for to break up,any reason would have done.Don't be surprised if he comes crawling back in a couple of months to tell you that he realises now that you are the one for him.Please be very wary of getting back with him because this will happen again unless you are ruthless and make him work to win you back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 We're not getting back together. Once I am done with someone, I am done for good. I would hope I am not stupid enough to risk being hurt by someone who has already hurt me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 What a Jerk. Tell your friends not to tell you anything about him. That will set you back. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 OK, three things: prepare for the WORST - assume he has been seeing another woman for some time now, he was probably with her during that 1st trip he got out of. he might move on FAST with this hypothetical woman, they might move in together or even marry + the kids... be prepared. that IS a possibility - don't let it hit you hard IF it happens. be READY! as much as you can, of course. ask for help & verbalize your needs. contact those friends who are the closest to YOU. tell them you need support, you need folks to help you, you need folks you can rely on - ask for concrete things. like - do a ladies ONLY night. ask them to spend more time with you, ask them to do some fun things with you: movies, some kind of sport, cooking sessions, makeup sessions... finally - occupy yourself. make a 3 months survival plan: get your finances in order, work on your relationship with your family and other folks, start running or watching new movies, discover new music... when you're better financially - join a new sport, language course, makeup or cooking course... whatever you want. start reading a new book. start learning a new language online. take your time. cry your eyes out, be depressed & be angry and go through all of those phases folks usually go through when they're disappointed and heartbroken. let yourself grieve. i'm not worried about you. you're strong & you'll bounce back, for sure. you just need time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Thank you, minimariah. But, he already confessed he was seeing other women, not one, but several women. He even had the nerve to tell me that it wasn't "getting anywhere" with them and even sounded sad and sighed when he said it!! I was literally saying to myself in my head, "um, HELLO? The woman you planned to marry was right here all along, am I not good enough?" I honestly feel worthless. He contacted me tonight about some debt that I paid off and I told him it's been paid off and not to contact me again, he said he was sorry for not treating me the way I deserve "babe" and I told him not to babe me anymore, I said goodbye and he even texted me, "xx" after the conversation. It's like he's trying to start a fight or is getting off on hurting me. : ( Link to post Share on other sites
hl1962 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I admire your strength! Your are not worthless. Your worth isn't defined by that jerk. Let him go, totally NC. Get busy, pick up your hobbies and add new ones. Enjoy life. Don't go out and look for one. Hopefully right guy will come along. Be very, very strong! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 hugs...! you probably feel like your boyfriend is gone & there's this strange alien using his body as a host - LOL. seriously though... most of us know the feeling. he's being a douchebag. block him - FULL NC. block him on EVERYTHING. he isn't aware of what's going on + he doesn't care about being careful or courteous anymore. he probably doesn't even understand the amount of your pain and doesn't think there is anything wrong with his replies - short answer: HE JUST DOESN'T THINK. that's it. full NC and slowly move on. write here, there is a NC thread and some interesting stuff so... get it all out. i promise, you'll get over him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Oh, don't worry! I know what needs to be done - it's just the whole process of doing it. I know I'll get over him, I know I'll heal and most likely find someone better but it's the process - the healing, the going through all of it and the whole waiting on Mr. right. I've had zero hours of sleep, It's 5:08 AM and I have work to do in a couple hours. This process - healing process - takes a toll on my body. I become stressed so much that I don't eat and my body begins to feel yuck. The thought of food disgusts me right now and makes me feel sick. I almost threw up earlier when I nibbled at a sandwich. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 What an idiot he is. Thank God you found out before you got married and you will find someone better 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Day 2 of my split: This morning I kept myself busy, went to work but on zero hours sleep, by the time I got home I was extremely exhausted - I laid down and didn't get back up, fell asleep hard and literally have just woken up now. Which in a way is going to really screw me over for work tomorrow because now I won't be able to sleep tonight. I'm not exactly eating much, this morning I had some cereal and that was about it. I find myself thinking about him a lot, questioning things he did and I know I shouldn't and should stop myself immediately, but how? I honestly can't. When I try to distract myself, he's always there in the back of my mind anyway. He hasn't tried to contact me and I don't think he will bother at all now that our debt has been paid off. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Ok, first of all...stop with the negative thoughts...like that you won't be able to sleep. Tell yourself you will sleep fine tonight. Tomorrow can be the start of your new life. Make yourself something to eat. If you eat it great, if not, then eat it when you are hungry. The cooking process will help ease your mind and stir your hunger. Then have a nice long bath or shower. Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself before bed. When you are feeling emotional, you need to bring back the emotional/rational balance in your mind. As soon as you feel emotional track your mind back to the cold hard facts of why is not right for you. All the real concrete reasons your mind can't control. You will notice your emotions will lessen at this time. It's ok to be sad and upset. Allow yourself to grieve, but also, constant reminders of why you are here, and how much you deserve in life, will help with the transition. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 I know - the negative thoughts are what is keeping me stuck in this spout of depression and irrational thoughts about how unworthy I am simply because it didn't work out with one person - but then I think, it wasn't just one person, it was my person, the person I was planning to spend the rest of my life with, and it changed within minutes. It scares me to think just how much and how quickly something huge which has been built up over years can crumble within minutes. On a positive note, I went out earlier to buy small little treats for myself like a foot spa because I love getting my feet rubbed after work, so since I can't have that anymore I bought a foot spa to help me relax and get ready for bed, I'm going to try it in a few and see if I can get any sleep with it. Wish me luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hl1962 Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I totally understand how you feel. My daughter went through this. She was a top multi-sports high school athlete, home-coming queen. She felt life wasn't worth living when it happened in college, worthless. Her demeanor was totally changed, lifeless, because she felt friends were also judging her when she had been so down for about two years. She did a month solo backpacking in Europe after studying abroad, and loved it. She knew she can enjoy life without friends. Graduated 6 mos early from college, she did 3mos solo backpacking in several countries in S. America, volunteered, friends visited. Her old self returned. Now at 22, she works for Goldman Sachs, and plans her vacation. India is one of the places she'll see this year. Only you can help yourself. Find a way! You have amazing strength. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 I know - the negative thoughts are what is keeping me stuck in this spout of depression and irrational thoughts about how unworthy I am simply because it didn't work out with one person - but then I think, it wasn't just one person, it was my person, the person I was planning to spend the rest of my life with, and it changed within minutes. It scares me to think just how much and how quickly something huge which has been built up over years can crumble within minutes. On a positive note, I went out earlier to buy small little treats for myself like a foot spa because I love getting my feet rubbed after work, so since I can't have that anymore I bought a foot spa to help me relax and get ready for bed, I'm going to try it in a few and see if I can get any sleep with it. Wish me luck. How are you feeling today? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Hi, Veve. I'm still feeling the same today, emotionally drained. However, I was able to get some sleep last night because I exhausted myself that much from crying I sparked out! I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight - I have a second job now to try and keep me busy and to try get some money so I can get back on my feet again and move out of my parents home. I'll slowly get there. How are you, Veve? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 OP, I recently went through similar (we were not engaged planning to do it during the holidays; lived together etc). He was on dating sites while talking engagement and when I broke it off over this, he just said 'well, we've both checked out long time ago'... after he was constantly initiating engagement talks since the end. Like you - I decided not to mingle with friends/family. I'm introverted so I processed it better that way. I start looking though for things that I delayed while with him like career improvement, purchasing real estate etc. So I've kept overly busy ... and was productive, despite lonely. So my advice is: keep busy. Follow what's right for you - if it is being around a couple of close friends - good. If it is submerging yourself in a project - good. Just keep your brain occupied the way that's best for you. Thanks, everyone. I don't particularly feel like being around friends right now or family. All my family are all coupled up and loved up with each other, married or engaged. It depresses me to be around them, and my friends are mutual friends with my ex so It's kind of awkward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Misconstrued Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 Hi ,NoGo. Thanks for your kind comments. I'm sorry about your relationship ending, sounds like you did the right thing, though. That's all I've been doing is trying to keep busy. I haven't heard anything from him so far and I doubt I ever will, I haven't contacted him either and I won't. These next two weeks I'm going to be traveling for work and I expect I'll be super tired to the point I won't even be able to think about what's been going on and I'm looking forward to that. Since it's gotten out that I'm single, I've been confronted in the streets by people who knew about our engagement, they approach me to say, "sorry about you and calum" and sometimes they even question me and it makes me feel incredibly low. People around here are now pitying me and it makes me feel worse. What makes it even more irritating is that I've had two guys who practically pounced me when they knew my engagement was over. One of them tried to kiss me at work and I had to literally push him off, the other just keeps asking me out even though I say no. I feel suffocated - can't wait for these next two weeks because I'll be too busy to be around anyone who knows my situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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