My Husband says he wants a divorce.....

[Bananakaypie]

Hi I am new here and honestly have never really tried any type of forum but I am desperate and I know my Husband uses forums for everything so thought I would give it a try. I have been with my Husband for 4 1/2 years and we have recently gotten married (4 months ago). We have had a very rocky relationship, it has been absolutely terrible at times and absolutely wonderful at times. We have two children, one from my previous relationship and one from his previous relationship. Our children adore one another and get along so well for the most part (a lot better than most siblings) which is a huge factor in why we keep holding on even through our darkest moments. For him, I know its mostly based on the kids, but for me its also because I love him and have put so much of myself into this relationship that I can't stand the idea of walking away unless I have given it my all. My Husband has serious issues, he is depressed, has intense anger issues, and on top of that he is an alcoholic. When I say alcoholic I don't mean he drinks when he wakes up and all day, but he is dependent on it, he drinks heavily (usually binge drinks from Thursday until Sunday) and then takes a few days off. Even when he is trying to be healthy and work out he still manages to drink heavily and though he isn't typically an angry drunk, the anger issues and depression catch up to him and the withdrawal or coming down period is horrifying. By horrifying I mean he is irritable, likely to blow up in a fit of rage and say hurtful, irrational things to me (and at times the children). He would flip out over the simplest thing as if he were waiting for an excuse to unload his anger. Not only is he obviously angry he is also extremely verbally abusive to me. Even if he isn't in a fit of rage he will constantly tell me things he hates about me, criticize how I do everything (from work to cleaning, to cooking, even heavily weighs in on my appearance). If I cook dinner he will criticize me immediately that it is too overdone or doesn't taste good and he will say "I am not eating that ****". Instead of giving me constructive criticism he is always so negative when he puts me down. If he could tell me a few things he loves about me along with the bad I would have an easier time dealing with it, but I never get any appreciation or compliments unless he is either really drunk and horny or he is going through an emotional state and feels guilty for how he has acted. When he does have his fits of range though I try to calm him down, I try to ask if we can talk it through and I should know better by now because it only fuels his fire. He immediately starts telling me that I am the reason he is failing at life and that he wants a divorce. The most recent argument (last night) was over him freaking out because the kids cost him too much money at the toy store (he says he wasn't mad at the kids but because he is frustrated about money) but his actions were angry towards everyone and overreacting is an understatement. He made it sickeningly evident that he was angry with everyone and ended up ruining the good thing he was trying to do which was celebrate the kids getting good grades. I tried to calm him down and get him to realize he was behaving irrationally and that I would take some of the toys back to save some money that I wish he had told them no at the store. His response to this was to divert his anger from the kids or money to me and he made the comment " You think a few bucks will make the difference that is your problem, that is why you were nothing when I met you and why you will be nothing without me, you are worthless." He said this infront of my kids which are old enough to know what he is saying and I immediately got angry because of the disrespect he showed me infront of the kids. I am used to hearing this from him so it wasn't that it hurt me as much as it was that the kids heard him say that to me. It was not just completely uncalled for, it is a perfect example of how he treats people when even the slightest thing happens that he is upset about. He went out and got alcohol (which he will blame me for because he had tried not to drink this weekend even though for 4 months prior he has done it on his own accord....he still blames me for everything). In the past he has told me I am ugly, too skinny, look old, that I am horrible being a wife, I cannot clean and I cannot cook, he tells me regularly that I am a failure and that I am worthless. He just several days ago was crying in the bathroom when I got home from work telling me he is a horrible person and wants to be better but thinks he is just bad and cannot stop being angry or drinking. I told him he needs to seek help and speak to someone about how to address the underlying issues so that he can be happy and then try to kick his addiction. He actually made the call (for the first time since he has discussed getting help a year ago but always blows it off) he actually set an appointment. Though this gives me hope and makes me so happy, it is still hard to deal with things like what took place this weekend and started out with him freaking out about money, me trying to fix it and only getting myself in a bad spot for him to lash out towards me and tell me he wants a divorce. He also said he has always wanted to leave me, he never wanted to be married, and he doesn't know how many times he has to tell me before I get it. I don't know what to do, every time I react or try to calmly talk to him he lashes out and says things that are hard to forgive. He says he is getting help and I feel I have done nothing but support him but how can I continue being his punching bag (not literally he has never hit me), how can I do it and keep my sanity? I am looking for advice on how to handle communicating with someone who is verbally abusive. Is the best thing to walk away? That is always what he wants me to but honestly when he has just told me I am a worthless piece of **** for no good reason it is very difficult for me not to have a reaction whether it be crying or yelling (and both equally piss him off). Please let me know what you think.... I do not want to give up on this man as he has a great heart and when he is good he is amazing but I know he has a problem (or a few) that he needs help with and I believe in him as foolish as that may be. On a side note the reason I married him (because that is the question most people would ask after hearing all of this ) is because he has talked about getting help for a year and when we got married he had been alcohol free for at least 4 months and was a joy to be around (still has his anger issues but not nearly as bad as when you add alcohol into the mix). I married him because I could see he was trying and was hopeful the future would be bright for us. He relapsed on the alcohol about a month after that (or less) so he has been drinking for at least 3 1/2 months and apparently we are back at square one.