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Divorcing, feeling guilty


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 15th January 2017, 9:59 AM   #1
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Exclamation Divorcing, feeling guilty

I have been married for 18 years. He has a child who was 2 when we married. We moved from a foreign country to US some 16 years ago. We have a child together.
His son joined us when I applied him a green card. My in laws and the boys mom interfered a lot of our life in a bad way. He never took any action. His parents stayed with us for a year when his son joined us, caused as much damage to our family as they could. He did nothing. After they left, soon I realized something wrong with my kid, who later diagnosed as autism. I put my career on hold for 5 years to help my child. He did minimal of anything.

He is lazy. Never did any cleaning, barely cooks, almost never took kids out play by himself.

His son, I took care of him mostly. There are a lot of behavior issue about him. He will not take care of any issue. Only told him not to do those things in from to me and to avoid me.
Few years ago, finally I got my career back to track since my kid's condition almost resolved. He has to be the one to take care our kid since I have to be away for 3 years. We can see each other on weekend. He literally leaves all the house work for me. I had to clean, cook, cook for their food for all week whenever I go home.

He lost temper on me sometimes. Especially come to his son and his parents. He ever broke dishes, grab my mug and smashed it in the past.

I grew up in a culture that you marry for life. I had been trying so hard to keep this family together. And I had been always chasing goals... such as making my kid better, fighting off his parents, mostly how to stay with my sanity with his son driving me nuts everyday.

He is lay back person. Negative. Always felt he had a bad life in the past, always able to come up with excuses why he could not do anything.

Good things about him: he seems never cheat, never mind I have my family money (I always have similar salary), he can be a backup when I really need him for the kid, he shops for my clothes when I need (he has hundred of shoes,shirt, pants himself, I have may be 5%what he has).

We had a fight about 10 months ago. The reason he said mean things to me and left me crying and travels hours back to my work was that he did not give him attention. The kid was sick that weekend, I was not feeling well too. He did NOT text me or talk to me all week. I felt he did not care about me at all, not eve mentionlibe. Ever since, we are in ice cold relationship.

He said he is trying to make things better. No much from what I can see. He is able to drop the kid half way for me when I have weekend off. Although his son hates me, we are still paying his college tuition. And he is still doing things to put me in very bad position with his son. I do not think he is on purpose, but it is the fact he always makes me the bad person.

I do not think I will be happy with him anymore. For the last 12 years of the marriage, it is more like I am the fighter to defend this marriage. I am going to have much high salary when I am done training. I leave most of our property to him. But he always put in a way that what he sacrificed to come to this country with him, how unstable his job is......anyway, seems I ruined his life
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Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 9th February 2017 at 2:26 PM.. Reason: spacing ~6
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Old 15th January 2017, 10:52 AM   #2
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Have you ever tried marriage counseling?
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Old 15th January 2017, 7:01 PM   #3
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No, we did not. I think I was insane how I put up so much with him. I do not want to waste my time anymore. I want to come to a home clean and neat, I do not have tell anyone to hang their jacket, put away mails, put their bags away, can you please do not spit in trash can..... I do not want to hear someone farting and pooping in the bathroom when I am having my breakfirst.... I am tired to correct someone all the time or have to hold my tongue. I want peace
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Old 15th January 2017, 7:39 PM   #4
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You should have peace. Everyone deserves to be at peace.

I don't know why you feel guilty about leaving a bad situation. You should be proud of yourself for daring to start over. Anybody who tries to make you feel bad about getting divorced is not worth worrying about.

It's your life....not theirs.
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Old 15th January 2017, 8:16 PM   #5
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He makes me. Since he always emphasize how much he lost to come with me, how horrible he life with his parents since he had to be with grandparent for 10 years, how unstable his job is, how lonely he will be....
And some of my friends, said I am at least partially responsible for his bad habit. I begged him to paint the deck for years. I had to do it before I left house for my training. The last time I asked him, He lost his temper and said it was no big deal about the deck, if it is rotten, he will built a new one. I guess I had too much on my plate and too unproductive to fight him.
I am so done. Now he is all nice. Yes to everything. It is too late and too little. I found it is terrible that when a women's heart died, it will not come back to life for the same person again
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Old 15th January 2017, 11:57 PM   #6
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It's quite common for wives from abroad to be mistreated when they are brought over. I have no doubt you will be better off without him and he may just get another wife from your country or another.


They feel you owe them eternal gratitude and that you are a servant more than a wife.


They take advantage of the fact that you are not familiar with the country and basically want a cook, cleaner, maid and someone to have sex with. It's no surprise that some of these men, can't get anyone to marry them in their home country, because the woman would go back to her family quickly. You had no family there, so you feel trapped. I've seen that situation so many times.


Well done for making the decision and good luck for the future.
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Old 9th February 2017, 2:18 PM   #7
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Just sad......

Not first time post....I am the one want the divorce since I realized that I was nevered loved. The divorce is on going. I am just very sad because I really wanted this marriage to work out, it was my believe to marry one person for life. Can not go back to old life, do not want to accept the failure of the marriage. Struggling with pain everyday, waiting for the pain to go away. He showed more selfish side of himself. Basically, he will strip me to bare minimal financially. Hard believe a man till today states that he loves me being so cruel to me. (Financially I will manage even I will walk out without a penny for now). Believe he never really loved me,only loved the comfort I brought him. Can not bring him to court since that is not something I want to do. A lot of times,I do even know where the sadness come from, tears just keep rolling
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Old 9th February 2017, 2:25 PM   #8
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Equitable distribution shouldn't leave you penniless unless there is a lot of debt.


As sad & bad as it feels now, you will eventually heal. Hang on to that future promise.
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Old 9th February 2017, 3:01 PM   #9
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Hugs, Fdb.

You have made a very courageous and self-affirming decision - even though it may not feel that way, right now.

From what you have shared, you are in no way to blame for the fact that your (former) husband did not do very much, if anything, to improve or support his career/professional skills and earning-potential. All his decisions and choices fall squarely on his own shoulders; you have nothing over which to feel guilty.
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Originally Posted by Fdb View Post
A lot of times,I do even know where the sadness come from, tears just keep rolling
Your sadness is coming from the fact that you are a loving, compassionate, caring human Being, and from the fact that your marriage is ending. It's a normal and
to-be-expected emotion and experience for this situation. Just because you are the one who initiated the divorce doesn't change this.

I would encourage you to keep being courageous and strong - exactly as you have been through all of this. Equality and justice are higher qualities; so,
if you do need the help of the legal courts to uphold these, then that is still you standing up for your values and higher-level principles.

All the best,
Ronni
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Old 9th February 2017, 4:00 PM   #10
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Thanks Ronni!
We have a property together, almost paid off. I want 25% off the money we paid towards the house (only principle, not include interest), he refused to take home equality loan and give to me. He knew I would not see him in the court since I will not have the heart or time. He offered me 7% what we own together. We had joined everything in the past.... He does not agree to sell the house, does not agree I keep the house and give home 75% of house value. Meanwhile, he is also saying how much he loves me......
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Old 9th February 2017, 4:07 PM   #11
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. He knew I would not see him in the court since I will not have the heart or time. ......

You are cutting off our own nose, despite your face. Stick up for yourself. Go to court.


Please talk to a lawyer. If you are not a US citizen & he brought you over here, he signed certain immigration documents that obligate him to support you.


If you don't do that you deserve what little you get.
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Old 12th February 2017, 2:39 PM   #12
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Will see the lawyer for agreement soon. I will walk away naked, almost. I will rebuild. I never cared about money for my entire life, hope I can still take it lightly. After everything settled, if I need more money, I will moon-light. Need to pick up my exercise routin. My baby needs me, my mom needs me, I have sisters love me, good friends care about me, orphans that I may can take under my wings later. So much life to live, need to cheer myself up! ( feel bipolar sometimes, today is a better day when I got a lot task done)
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Old 12th February 2017, 7:18 PM   #13
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Hope it all goes well for you FDB ,you deserve it
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Old 13th March 2017, 1:57 AM   #14
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Courage to you to move forward. If you feel in your heart of hearts it is over then weigh, decide, and act.

Divorce is just painful - it is a lot of pain now and getting your freedom back vs. much more pain later and for years.

Blessings!
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Old 19th March 2017, 7:10 PM   #15
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I guess today is one of the bad day. I did not have my daughter with me this weekend. Went out with my friend for a lunch. She is not married and on match website right now. Suddenly it makes me feel so afraid to being alone. Being with someone for so many year..... but deep in my heart I know that I was alone in a way anyway. Down the road, I just do not have a grown up baby need to be taken care anymore, not a man can love me and protect me. I am crying, like a lot of time I do, to moaun the marriage I worked so hard to maintain, to moaun the dead dream of marry for life......
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