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Totally Devastated [5 month update]


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 29th May 2017, 1:31 PM   #106
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How are you doing?
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Old 30th May 2017, 12:19 PM   #107
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I been staying at her house off and on (4 times total) we still haven't made physical contact yet. She told me she didn't want to have sex or anything. Just yesterday, she told me Right Now, she can't trust me and has nothing to offer at this time.....just the other day she told me she wanted us to live together back on base...I just don't know what else to think. She constantly told me that she was really hoping I would change and not be jealous or insecure. She said the going back and forth is depressing. She wants to keep things about the children. She said if I feel like I need to file for divorce, that she is sorry a I feel that way....I hate feeling like this but she is the mother of my children and I wish things would be back to normal again
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Old 30th May 2017, 1:54 PM   #108
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Gas lighting and blame shifting. You texting some woman (if that's all it was) was no justification for her affair in the first place. She's playing you like a fiddle. Call her bluff.
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Old 3rd June 2017, 5:52 PM   #109
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I been staying at her house off and on (4 times total) we still haven't made physical contact yet. She told me she didn't want to have sex or anything. Just yesterday, she told me Right Now, she can't trust me and has nothing to offer at this time.....just the other day she told me she wanted us to live together back on base...I just don't know what else to think. She constantly told me that she was really hoping I would change and not be jealous or insecure. She said the going back and forth is depressing. She wants to keep things about the children. She said if I feel like I need to file for divorce, that she is sorry a I feel that way....I hate feeling like this but she is the mother of my children and I wish things would be back to normal again
What about her actions with her other man? You've given her total control over you.

She knows you aren't going to do anything that's why she keeps telling you to divorce if you want.

Have you done any investigating at what she's been up to? Sounds like it's still going on.

You need to go your own way. Like she has. If you chase or try and nice them back they just move farther away.
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Old 3rd June 2017, 11:57 PM   #110
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I been staying at her house off and on (4 times total) we still haven't made physical contact yet. She told me she didn't want to have sex or anything. Just yesterday, she told me Right Now, she can't trust me and has nothing to offer at this time.....just the other day she told me she wanted us to live together back on base...I just don't know what else to think. She constantly told me that she was really hoping I would change and not be jealous or insecure. She said the going back and forth is depressing. She wants to keep things about the children. She said if I feel like I need to file for divorce, that she is sorry a I feel that way....I hate feeling like this but she is the mother of my children and I wish things would be back to normal again
You and your life counts too.
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Old 4th June 2017, 8:56 PM   #111
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What am I supposed to do then, show her how ignorant I can be and treat her like crap with the hopes she will like me again??? I understand where you are coming from, I really do. It's just hard to not give a damn plus I have to deal with her cause we have children so it makes it impossible to do a 180 when I have to talk to her almost daily for the children
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Old 15th June 2017, 10:32 AM   #112
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Hi MM, sorry to see your plight. As far as your marriage is concerned it is dead as a dodo. Listen to all the posters here giving you advice which can be a lifesaver for you. The Oncelor's post was tailor made for you. You can flog a dead horse but you cannot get it to get up and run. Your wife checked out of the marriage a long time ago, gave herself permission to cheat on you( by all accounts it was a PA) and after her AP dumped her she fell back to plan B, you, but even now is not sure she can commit to you. She just has too much resentment against you and you would be fooling yourself if you thought any reconciliation was possible. You are just setting yourself up for failure.

You are only 35 years old which is pretty young and you can start over. Yes you will have to deal with your wife because of your children but so many others do so every day and it is just a fact of life. Yours is not a special case. Is your wife working and does she have a reasonable income? It is best to take the bull by the horns and initiate divorce proceedings. After that you will be free of a burden pulling you down. You can then plan your future with a clear mind. Warm wishes.
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Old 19th June 2017, 6:32 PM   #113
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Update....you all where 100% correct. I found out she had a physical affair with this guy. She had left her phone unlocked and took a shower and I found what I needed to find. It's hard to believe a person you once where in love with would donthis too you. Now I'm just saving up for a lawyer. I wish I would have never deployed and got the issues in my marriage fixed. I know it's not my fault she cheated, she had a choice. We had gotten sexual together this past month but she would never let me have sex with her. She was telling me that she didn't want me to have sex and leave her...I can't look at her the same anymore. She still lies and says nothing happened but she never fully gave 100% to fix our marriage. I appreciate all the tough love and to get my head out of my "A". Sometimes you get blinded by the fact that it could work out. I have 2 kids with her too which makes it super tough. Do I start the 180 now?
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Old 19th June 2017, 7:39 PM   #114
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Yes just like we said from the start...

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Update....you all where 100% correct. I found out she had a physical affair with this guy. She had left her phone unlocked and took a shower and I found what I needed to find. It's hard to believe a person you once where in love with would donthis too you. Now I'm just saving up for a lawyer. I wish I would have never deployed and got the issues in my marriage fixed. I know it's not my fault she cheated, she had a choice. We had gotten sexual together this past month but she would never let me have sex with her. She was telling me that she didn't want me to have sex and leave her...I can't look at her the same anymore. She still lies and says nothing happened but she never fully gave 100% to fix our marriage. I appreciate all the tough love and to get my head out of my "A". Sometimes you get blinded by the fact that it could work out. I have 2 kids with her too which makes it super tough. Do I start the 180 now?
Yes just like we said from the start... Just remember that the 180 is not to get her back it is to help you heal.

The reason that she was not having sex with you is that she did not want to cheat on her BF. She has been having an affair since before you got back. You understand this now don't you?

You never had a chance because you would not do your intel. You were fighting your war blind and you have been for a while.

We have all don't this, but you were in about the worst denial that we have seen in a long time.

Now things that you think back on will start to make sense to you. Unfortunately, the consensus on LS that she was having an affair for god knows how long is correct.

You are about the 100,000th person to write the words "You were all right".

So now you know what you are dealing with and it is time to file for divorce and get her out of your life as soon as you can, except for seeing the kids.

Hang in there and good luck.
road and Just a Guy like this.
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Old 24th June 2017, 5:23 AM   #115
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You can still enjoy time with the kids.
Don't let the kids define how you live your life.
You just need to merge the kids into your new life, and leave out the baggage you don't need, moving forward.


Why is it that so many people put so much emphasis on "The kids", "The Kids"..


Your life comes first, because if you cant fix your life, then how the fruck are you going to get your kids life in order.


Get your life going, and your kids will enjoy you more, as you will be able to give 100%.
Not scraps, due to ongoing complexities in your broken marriage.


Your wife is the typical trash/dirt that we guys have always feared when we marry.
Throw her away, like she threw you away.
No respect for you, or the family.
Show her the same back, but be calm.
Nothing like calm to heat up the cheating spouses.. Works every time.




Good luck..


Oh, Blues.. I know there are many on here that frown on you (And me) when we give our view on "Da Facts", but damn if were not right !.


Its the "Duck" babe.. If it walks, talks, and sounds like a duck.. Then Quack quack baby !.




Ted.
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:30 AM   #116
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Hello all,

Been since June since I posted. Wanted to give an update. After 7 months of being separated, we actually decided to move back in together in August. Itís been a few months now and things are worse than ever. She is still on the phone with her ďFriendsĒ and is still not trying to work things out. She all nonchalant and doesnít seem to care. Itís like we are total strangers just living together. She doesnít seem to care about my feelings at all. Problem now is we live in Base Housing, so I canít just ďKickĒ her out. Iím starting to lose feelings for her now as I thought she would just snap out of it but I was wrong. I feel like such an idiot that I tried to work it out with someone who doesnít care. I do t know why she just didnít divorce me if this was how she was going to act/behave. Now we are both miserable and it makes a negative environment for the house. Ultimately, Iím tired of living like strangers and if she doesnít want to try, I just wish she would pack her bags and get out of here.
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Old 29th October 2017, 4:34 AM   #117
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It sucks because I wanted it to work. I had set up counseling and everything but she doesnít seem interested cause she never asks about it. I am just stuck cause we have 2 children and I donít know what to do. I can honestly say I am not sure if I love her anymore after all that has went down. She still lies, keeps a locked phone ect...Iím tired and I deserve to be loved. I just donít want to be divorced again and have to pay another child support payment and miss time with my kids. Both of my wives messed around while I was deployed...Iím just lost everyone and itís tough
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Old 29th October 2017, 1:02 PM   #118
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MM, i am sorry...

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It sucks because I wanted it to work. I had set up counseling and everything but she doesnít seem interested cause she never asks about it. I am just stuck cause we have 2 children and I donít know what to do. I can honestly say I am not sure if I love her anymore after all that has went down. She still lies, keeps a locked phone ect...Iím tired and I deserve to be loved. I just donít want to be divorced again and have to pay another child support payment and miss time with my kids. Both of my wives messed around while I was deployed...Iím just lost everyone and itís tough
MM, I am sorry... that you could not take the advice that you were given when you first started posting.

I think you would agree, now, that this woman is not worth the time and heartache that you have devoted to her.

I understand that you are afraid of the COST of the divorce. I get that, I am dealing with that myself and my kids are grown.

But let's look at what we know is going on:


1) she cheated on you when you were deployed I think.
2) she has continued to cheat on you, same guy or a 100 guys it does not matter.
3) you convinced her to move back, for what ever reason, and she is just sucking up the military benefits and any of your money that she can.
4) you are more miserable than you were before when she moved out.

Is that about where we are at now?

Brother, listen, I understand where you are coming from but how long are you going to live like this? Your options are to file for divorce or just keep watching her go out at night to screw her other man.

I mean, how does that make you feel.

MM, it is time to file and suck up the cost of child support and move on with your life.

And for the love of everything holy, DO NOT GET MARRIED AGAIN...
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Old 29th October 2017, 1:14 PM   #119
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It sucks because I wanted it to work. I had set up counseling and everything but she doesn’t seem interested cause she never asks about it. I am just stuck cause we have 2 children and I don’t know what to do. I can honestly say I am not sure if I love her anymore after all that has went down. She still lies, keeps a locked phone ect...I’m tired and I deserve to be loved. I just don’t want to be divorced again and have to pay another child support payment and miss time with my kids. Both of my wives messed around while I was deployed...I’m just lost everyone and it’s tough
The affair is still on sounds like. Unless that ends you have no way to work this out. All you've done up to this point is live in denial and fight the advice you were given.

If you can't put your foot down and stop allowing yourself to be treated like you are you'll continue to get what you're getting.

Your wife has it made. You are her checkbook and her boyfriend provides her love and sexual needs.

Your actions or lack of have told her you accept this arrangement.

Her affair is 100% on her. Your bungling on handling this is on you.

The only one keeping you where you are currently is you.

Your fear rules you. Living in denial for do long didn't help you at all.

Maybe you'll wake up now. I'm not sure but I hope you do.
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:00 AM   #120
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Unhappy Emotional cheating kills ..

My husband is doing something similar, as far as the emotional affair part.. about 4 months ago he said he wanted a divorce, we had been having struggles but that has been most of our relationship, we see things very diff. But have always laughed on that. We have been together 17 years but only married 3.. so I truly felt blindsided, his reason was I don't listen to him and make it all about me, but the truth is he has been neglecting me and our new family for years. Always glued to his phone, never has time to do stuff with me, no holiday gifts or even anniversary anything, coming home late more often then not, but would let me know (which is all I asked) so i got more and more hurt, angry, and resentful. After he said it was done all I've been trying to do is convince him to work it out, telling him about counciling all that, but of corse its a no.. I found out there is a girl.. he is still at hm (more like roommates then anything), he will actually walk away from me and our 1.5 year old to go talk to this girl outside.. I'm 42, my husband 43, and this chic is like 25.
Since this, I have found out business trips he has been going on, he has her meet him, doesnt matter thsts what I've been begging from him for years, he was taking her out, sunsets u name it, now he can make time.. I actually found out they have been txting for like 2 years . He met her threw his job. How can I even compete wit that.. I mean as he worked all this time to foster their relationship he let ours go to **** .. and now blames me, and I truly can see mistakes I made, but it's easy to see how him turning to her, lying about it all to me, and comparing us would cause so much of our issues.. we both love hunting, and would go on 2 to for hunting trips a year, and he hasn't taken me on any in 3 years...
Ohh yeah I found out im 5.5 months pregnant.. with all the stress i had no idea.. so just b4 his big announcement.. but of corse it made it worse between us.. he has never admitted that emotional cheating is an actual things. And can cause devastation to.. I know I love him to this day, I feel without her we may have had a chance, I honestly feel we wouldn't be in this situation to start wit...
I hope things have continued to improve for u, and u guys were able to do things out..
I guess I'm just putting it out there about how devastating emotional cheating can become... I think if I could've done the whole revenge thing I would've, but no way that was possible prego..
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