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Totally Devastated [5 month update]


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 15th January 2017, 2:19 AM   #1
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Totally Devastated [5 month update]

Hello Everyone,

I'm 35 y/o and been married a total of 8 years. I have 2 children with my wife 8/7. I'll try to keep this short as possible.

I am currently active duty military and met my wife in North Carolina. We have definitely had out ups and downs over the years. Right before I went on deployment in April 2016, my wife caught me messaging another female on the phone. The last year, she was in school and hanging out with her friends and became really distant to me, almost like a roommate so I done that stupid thing to get attention and it was totally wrong and I admitted that. We talked through it and I thought everything was good. I left 2 weeks after that on a 9 month deployment overseas. The first couple months I was out there we where able to FaceTime and it seemed like we where ok. Then my 3rd month till month 9 she never really talked to me or our conversations became really short. Come to find out she was hanging out and going out with a guy from her class. This guy is apparently married. So while I was deployed, I noticed she started going to the range and doing different things with this guy. She stated that he is like a "Brother" and nothing is wrong with that. She also stated around month 8 of my deployment that when I get back, it probably wouldn't be best to live together at the moment. She had mentioned that we needed to start back from square one and start dating eachother again. After being married for 8 years to this womn I was devastated to hear that she didn't want to live together. She had also mentioned that when I got back we would not be having sex. She moved off base into an apartment in which mybpictures where taken down instead of in my children's room, she took off her rings and she started to regain her self as of what she called it. I had asked her if she was having an affair in which she denied. She said she is focused on school and the kids.

The first night back from deployment, she asked if I could come over and watch the kids while she went to school and Inaccepted it. While I was there, I noticed a 30 rack of beer in the closet and cigarettes on top of the fridge. My wife has never been a beer drinker like that. I looked at her computer and noticed under her pictures that there where pictures of the guy from her class shooting pool at a bar. I noticed a lot of different things around the house. Another thing is she locked the door to her room.

Fast forward the next day, I drove by her house and that guy was on her patio and I talked to him, his friend and her. She blew up at me and said I had no right to be there and thatbI humiliated her. So I left. Remind you as well my kids said that they slept at his house with her and his wife was gone. They said she slept on the couch but why was she over there doing that? Why would a married woman do that?

So fast forward today, I mentioned to my wife if she wanted to go to marriage counseling to work our issues out and she said no. She said she is focused on the kids and school but not us. But she seems to have time to go out with this guy to do things but doesn't have time for me. She said that I'm a negative person and the way she talks to me now is so nonchalant, like she doesn't care at all. I think her friends are influencing her and she tasted life without me and feels it's easier....

Guess what I'm trying to ask is do you think my marriage is over?? I suggested Counseling but she rejected it. She says I had 8!years and now I'm just realizing I lost a good woman....I don't know what to do, I am an emotional wreck. I can't sleep, my heart is constantly pounding and this overall hurts me so bad. I want my family back but she doesn't want it..Can someone please tell me what I need to do? We been separated 9 months from my deployment and I feel that if I never left, non of this would have happened. Now that she has freedom to go out with this guynornhave him over, she is enjoying that life. Please help me
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Old 15th January 2017, 3:55 AM   #2
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It doesn't sound like she wants to be married to you anymore. She checked out of the marriage as a result of your behaviour and now has emotionally detached from you.

Set up scheduled times to see the kids and focus on them and yourself. Try and better yourself and become a better partner for her to or the next woman. It doesn't look like she wants you back.

And it sounds like an affair to me with the other guy. Why would she sleep over when his wife was away. I'd track his wife down and let her know about it. Check if she was aware of the sleepover.
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Old 15th January 2017, 6:29 AM   #3
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Yes, I think it's safe to say your marriage is over.

You were messaging another woman last year, and then you say you did "that stupid thing" to get attention - what did you do?

I'm guessing that if you were able to get cozy with another woman, through text or otherwise, your heart wasn't really in your marriage anymore. Now your wife has checked out of the marriage, too.

It also seems pretty obvious that an affair has taken place. I think your best bet would be to consult a lawyer so the both of you can move on.
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Old 15th January 2017, 8:31 AM   #4
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The only thing I did was text someone I met online, never physically did anything else with anyone.
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Old 15th January 2017, 8:58 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by MilitaryMan View Post
The only thing I did was text someone I met online, never physically did anything else with anyone.
That won't make any difference to your wife.

You were secretly engaging with another woman, and thats bad enough to hurt her and cast doubt on your loyalty.

It sounds very much like your marriage has come to its natural end.

Concentrate on your own wellbeing and be a good father to your children.

Talk to a lawyer.


Take care.
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Last edited by Satu; 15th January 2017 at 9:02 AM..
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Old 15th January 2017, 9:12 AM   #6
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She's already moved in and living with another man.

Surely you can see this. Being in deep denial is making you look foolish here.
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Old 15th January 2017, 9:46 AM   #7
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The only thing I did was text someone I met online, never physically did anything else with anyone.
How did you meet her online? Not a dating site, is it?
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Old 15th January 2017, 9:53 AM   #8
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We been separated 9 months from my deployment and I feel that if I never left, non of this would have happened.
Actually, if you did not leave, this would still happen, probably just at a later date.

Earlier you mentioned, everything seemed fine. That's a bad sign. People often think a relationship with no conflict is a good relationship. But it's the opposite of the truth. When a spouse never expresses anything negative, it's only because he/she is keeping it inside. That withholding of resentment is what eventually brings the relationship to the end. In a healthy long-lasting relationship, people have conflicts and deal with them in a respectful and considerate way.
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Old 15th January 2017, 10:28 AM   #9
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Earlier you mentioned, everything seemed fine. That's a bad sign. People often think a relationship with no conflict is a good relationship. But it's the opposite of the truth. When a spouse never expresses anything negative, it's only because he/she is keeping it inside.
Or that they have already "checked out", and the reason that there is no conflict is because the spouse simply doesn't care anymore.

I have lived this, to an extent. The degree of your infidelity (and your wife surely saw it as infidelity) is of little importance now. Whether you had a wild sexual tryst, or whether you merely flirted online in order to just get some attention - you opened a crack in the armor of her sense of security, and in your ensuing absence, that crack widened and widened.

I am sorry to say this, but I agree with the others here: your marriage is almost certainly over. It sounds 99.99% clear that your wife is having a full on sexual affair with the other man.

There is a ton of good advice here on how to best navigate the divorce that is almost certainly coming. It's gonna suck, no doubt, but at this stage, there is no avoiding it, I fear.

But you will get through it.
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Old 15th January 2017, 10:56 AM   #10
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Actually, if you did not leave, this would still happen, probably just at a later date.

Earlier you mentioned, everything seemed fine. That's a bad sign. People often think a relationship with no conflict is a good relationship. But it's the opposite of the truth. When a spouse never expresses anything negative, it's only because he/she is keeping it inside. That withholding of resentment is what eventually brings the relationship to the end. In a healthy long-lasting relationship, people have conflicts and deal with them in a respectful and considerate way.
This is my take. It seems that the OP is the one who started this mess by texting/messaging another woman. He was 'caught.' He mentions that the relationship had its ups and downs, so the relationship did have conflicts.

I wonder if the OP messaging another woman was his way of dealing with conflict? Unhappiness?

We certainly do not know if the relationship would have remained intact if he hadn't deployed, but I don't think she got over the fact that she caught him cheating on him (emotionally...or perhaps physically (we don't know this w/ any certainty)).

Her actions are pretty clear. She wants out and yes, she found freedom, someone else.
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Old 15th January 2017, 12:51 PM   #11
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It looks like all you guys were right. She's not tell me she had an affair but she definitely has guys over her house. The way she talks to me now is very callous. She's more concerned about her friends feelings than mine. It's a shame because this guy is married but he's always over My wife's house. My wife made it clear to me that she's wants a divorce and that she's done with our marriage. She said all she's focused on now with school and the kids and then she's not concerned about our marriage. So that's telling me that she's done with everything
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Old 15th January 2017, 12:52 PM   #12
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She's definitely hiding something and very secretive. And she's also been lying because I know the truth on some of the things cause my kids told me but she plainly denying them.so I'm gonna do is you guys suggested, obtain a lawyer and try to go from there. I was the only one trying to work it out but she doesn't want to
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Old 15th January 2017, 1:43 PM   #13
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You might want to capture some proof of her affair - that could significantly impact the outcome of your divorce. Perhaps lawyer up first, and tell her about it later?

Good luck, and sorry.
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Old 15th January 2017, 2:29 PM   #14
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There is no way I can prove adultry and she said if she sees me by her house she will file a restraining order. I just feel like such a fool. Like I said, I done wrong first by messaging someone online. I'm even willing to forgive her for whatever happened while I was gone. I just wanted to go to Marriage Counseling and get back on track with everything or atleast try. I think she is done with me now and I have to find a way to cope because all of this is devastating. Haven't been able to sleep or eat, she is constantly on my mind and I don't know what else to do. I feel lost without her. I wish I had one more chance to make our marriage right
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Old 15th January 2017, 2:30 PM   #15
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As I mentioned before though, some other guy has filled my void and is doing everything that she wants that I probably wasn't doing but was willing to do
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