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How do you move on when you share children?


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Old 10th January 2017, 8:26 PM   #1
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How do you move on when you share children?

My fiance and I were together for 3 years, we broke up in November. For 5 years he has been dad to my son. He isn't my sons biological father but he is the only father my son has known. They are very close. To my ex-fiance, that is his son. My sons biological father is in the picture, but barely and my son doesn't consider him a father. When my fiance ended our relationship we decided to maintain their relationship because it's better for my son.

My ex-fiance is a great dad to my son and he wants to continue that. My son is a lot happier having my ex-fiance in his life. The issue I have is that it has been hard to see him every time he comes to pick up my son. We set up a schedule that works for both of us. Every time he picks up my son and drops him off it hurts. I hate seeing him and not being able to have him. It's like my heart breaks every time, over and over. I just want to touch him and tell him to come inside, kiss him, talk to him. Every time I see him I still have this hope that he will change his mind and want to try again. There have been so many times that he has come and I've started crying.

On two occasions when he came inside I didn't want him to leave at all. I stood in front of the door to try and get him to stay knowing he wouldn't physically move me. Begging him to stay and crying. Both times my son was in bed asleep, but I'm still not proud to admit that. It's turning my into a crazy person.

How do you get use to seeing your ex all the time, and still move on from the relationship?
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Old 10th January 2017, 9:38 PM   #2
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Time. You need to find something to keep you busy also. My D was final in September. Its hard to think of my ex possibly seeing someone else, even just as friends if I dwell on it. Breathe, it gets easier. Him seeing you cry is only going to drive him away more. If you break down after he leaves then so be it.
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Old 11th January 2017, 1:52 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by Gibrale View Post
My fiance and I were together for 3 years, we broke up in November. For 5 years he has been dad to my son.
How was he "dad" to your son for 2 years before you were together?

Regardless, it's like many other things in life - you put your kids first. If it's good for them, you make it at least tolerable for you.

Many of us have the opposite problem, co-parenting means interacting with an ex we'd rather not see. You tough it out in your child's best interests...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 11th January 2017, 7:47 AM   #4
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It is hard.

For me, I am torn emotionally. I am VERY angry at my ex, not only for the impact that our split will have on our kids, but because I did NOT want us to split. Sure, we had our difficulties, but I really thought that we were getting better and better, and would continue to work on our relationship. So, I too feel an emotional setback whenever I have to see my ex.

So, what works for me? Our kids are school age, so most of the time, we don't exchange the kids directly - one of us puts them on a bus in the morning, and the other of us picks them up after school.

Of course, this won't work for you, and it doesn't always work for us. One rule that I instituted is that my ex shall not come to my home again. When we have to hand them off in a face-to-face meeting, I insist on either a neutral location, or I go to her new place. There are too many psychological pitfalls associated with having all four of us together in our family home (I kept the home). It hurts me, and it upsets the kids as well. I have found that the same issues do not arise when I have to go to her place. It does not feel like "home" to any of us (at least not in the same way - not a home where the kids expect to see me, or where we have shared memories).

Also, while we have to "talk" (we use text and email only - I almost never actually speak to her anymore) about stuff related to the kids, I won't allow myself to go beyond that. I won't engage her in any small talk or banter, and I won't engage her in any conversations about my own life. If it doesn't have to do with the kids, then it is none of her business.

And vice versa.

For you, since you WANT to have him in your life (but he wants out?), these things will run counter to what you think you want, but doing them will certainly help you move on.

Can you arrange to bring your child to him, rather than have him come to where you are? And rather than drop off in person, can you perhaps use an intermediary, like one of your family members?

Most important: time. As others have said here, time will certainly help. Good luck!
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Old 11th January 2017, 8:08 AM   #5
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Why did you guys break up ? How old is your son ?
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Old 11th January 2017, 1:56 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Homer J View Post
Time. You need to find something to keep you busy also. My D was final in September. Its hard to think of my ex possibly seeing someone else, even just as friends if I dwell on it. Breathe, it gets easier. Him seeing you cry is only going to drive him away more. If you break down after he leaves then so be it.
I figured "time" would be the main answer. Sometimes it sucks when there isn't anything else you can do but wait. I've been trying to keep busy so I don't think of it as much, especially when my son is gone and I don't have him as a distraction. Sitting at home, totally alone, is hard. I know that he's gone on a few dates with someone else and that's really hard.

You're right about crying driving him away. When I have cried he's wanted to take a step back. I have to get that under control.

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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
How was he "dad" to your son for 2 years before you were together?
We were really close friends before we went into a relationship. My son was 2-3 when my ex-fiance came into my life and even though we were just friends he was really good with my son. My son clung to him.

It would be easier (for me) to completely walk away from my ex-fiance but I know it's better for my son to have him. That's the only dad he's going to have, I can't take that from him because of my own mistakes.



I have thought about doing exchanges at my sons school, but right now he doesn't keep him overnight. So he could pick him up at school but I would still have to see him when I get my son back. It is a good thought to avoid him coming here. This is where we lived together and I'm so use to having him here. It might be better to meet somewhere else.

I do still want to have him in my life. It feels like it would be easier if we totally hated each other. I don't hate him, and he doesn't hate me. There is a lot up in the air and he's not totally 100% sure that he's done with the relationship. Probably 70% sure that he's done. So there is this little bit of hope that I can't let go of.

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Originally Posted by mikeylo View Post
Why did you guys break up ? How old is your son ?
My previous thread is here.

He learned about my past, which involved more sexual partners than he thought I had and sex videos. My son is 9.
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Old 11th January 2017, 5:34 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Gibrale View Post
I do still want to have him in my life. It feels like it would be easier if we totally hated each other. I don't hate him, and he doesn't hate me. There is a lot up in the air and he's not totally 100% sure that he's done with the relationship. Probably 70% sure that he's done. So there is this little bit of hope that I can't let go of.
Then your choice seems even easier. I'd make sure my hair was combed, teeth brushed and with a smile on my face I'd get through it, knowing it may benefit both you and your son long-term. Doesn't seem like there's much down side to hanging in there...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 16th January 2017, 11:43 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Gibrale View Post
My fiance and I were together for 3 years, we broke up in November. For 5 years he has been dad to my son. He isn't my sons biological father but he is the only father my son has known. They are very close. To my ex-fiance, that is his son. My sons biological father is in the picture, but barely and my son doesn't consider him a father. When my fiance ended our relationship we decided to maintain their relationship because it's better for my son.

My ex-fiance is a great dad to my son and he wants to continue that. My son is a lot happier having my ex-fiance in his life. The issue I have is that it has been hard to see him every time he comes to pick up my son. We set up a schedule that works for both of us. Every time he picks up my son and drops him off it hurts. I hate seeing him and not being able to have him. It's like my heart breaks every time, over and over. I just want to touch him and tell him to come inside, kiss him, talk to him. Every time I see him I still have this hope that he will change his mind and want to try again. There have been so many times that he has come and I've started crying.

On two occasions when he came inside I didn't want him to leave at all. I stood in front of the door to try and get him to stay knowing he wouldn't physically move me. Begging him to stay and crying. Both times my son was in bed asleep, but I'm still not proud to admit that. It's turning my into a crazy person.

How do you get use to seeing your ex all the time, and still move on from the relationship?
I followed your previous thread. Honestly, I hoped this situation would be resolved by you and your x reconciling. I still not sure it will not, but I see the current situation being problematic. As time passes, your x will eventually find another woman. His relationship with you son is going to be problematic in a new relationship, especially if he were to marry and have his own children. Likewise, at some point you need to move on. Your x coming to pick up a non biological son is not good for your future relationships. I believe you should give this to the end of May. If the two if you have not reconciled, it is time to end the daddy/son arrangement for obvious reasons.

Last edited by Simple Logic; 16th January 2017 at 11:48 PM..
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Old 17th January 2017, 5:01 AM   #9
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I followed your previous thread. Honestly, I hoped this situation would be resolved by you and your x reconciling. I still not sure it will not, but I see the current situation being problematic. As time passes, your x will eventually find another woman. His relationship with you son is going to be problematic in a new relationship, especially if he were to marry and have his own children. Likewise, at some point you need to move on. Your x coming to pick up a non biological son is not good for your future relationships. I believe you should give this to the end of May. If the two if you have not reconciled, it is time to end the daddy/son arrangement for obvious reasons.
Neither in a relationship no need to end dad son relation. There is no set time to recover for a BH.
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Old 17th January 2017, 12:00 PM   #10
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Neither in a relationship no need to end dad son relation. There is no set time to recover for a BH.
There is no dad son relationship. There an ex fiance's son relationship. While there no time limit to recover, realistically if things have not changed after 7 months it will be time to move on and not live on false hope.
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Old 17th January 2017, 10:19 PM   #11
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There is no dad son relationship. There an ex fiance's son relationship. While there no time limit to recover, realistically if things have not changed after 7 months it will be time to move on and not live on false hope.
There's also no BH (betrayed husband) here.

I agree with you that there needs to be a time limit. It IS just a matter of time before either the exF has a relationship (and this will be problematic) or the OP has a relationship (and this will be problematic). And in neither case are we talking about protecting her son's access to a biological father.

This is a completely abnormal scenario and not one that is ultimately going to be healthy for her son. Without a paternal hond that is either biological or legal, we are just watching this trainwreck unfold in slow motion and allowing more time for bonds to form that will eventually be broken. Younger children adapt more quickly. The longer you let this go, the worse it is likely to end.

And this is besides how unhealthy it is for you.
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Old 17th January 2017, 11:59 PM   #12
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Then your choice seems even easier. I'd make sure my hair was combed, teeth brushed and with a smile on my face I'd get through it, knowing it may benefit both you and your son long-term. Doesn't seem like there's much down side to hanging in there...

Mr. Lucky
That's something that I have to try and work on more. There is this part of me that thinks if I do that he's going to think I've moved on, which I don't want. Being a hysterical, crying mess isn't any better though. I need to get my **** together.

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Originally Posted by Simple Logic View Post
I followed your previous thread. Honestly, I hoped this situation would be resolved by you and your x reconciling. I still not sure it will not, but I see the current situation being problematic. As time passes, your x will eventually find another woman. His relationship with you son is going to be problematic in a new relationship, especially if he were to marry and have his own children. Likewise, at some point you need to move on. Your x coming to pick up a non biological son is not good for your future relationships. I believe you should give this to the end of May. If the two if you have not reconciled, it is time to end the daddy/son arrangement for obvious reasons.
This wasn't an easy decision to come to. It's not conventional, but it's what is best for my son. My ex-fiance wanted to adopt my son, had he been able to do that, legally he would be his son as well and we'd still be doing this. To my ex-fiance, my son is his son. A piece of paper doesn't determine that. We have talked about it and he has no intention of "abandoning" my son when another woman comes into his life. If said woman wants him to separate himself from my son and I, she is not the woman for him - his opinion. Of course that could change, but even if he was the biological father that could change. Heck, my sons biological father is a complete deadbeat. My ex-fiance is choosing to be involved, which says more IMO than a man who is "forced" to be involved.

To my son, that IS his dad. As hard as this is for me and though it may affect a future relationship I may have, he's more important.
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Old 18th January 2017, 1:02 AM   #13
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I have to admit, this guy's a saint. For him to stick around, that's really stand up.

However, I take it your son is now 7. Let's say Mr. X Fiance meets some other woman in a year or two, and they get serious. There's a better than even chance that she's going to have some problems with this pseudodad/son relationship, especially if they have kids of their own. Because to her, this relationship is really nothing more than a tether to you. There's no biological connection, no adoption connection, nothing other than 5 years continuity in his life.

You'd better hope she's as big of a saint as he seems to be, because even though that's what he says now, it might be a lot harder to say when that is not in the abstract.
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Old 18th January 2017, 6:20 AM   #14
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One foot in front of the other. Keep on keeping on.
There may be healing. There may not be.
Nobody can see into the future, but hope can be your beacon.
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Old 18th January 2017, 7:45 AM   #15
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This seems like a trainwreck to me, for sure. He could very likely meet another woman and get in a relationship. What if he gets a job offer that forces a move? I really dont see any good ending for this.
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