Lesser of two evils

[brown_cat]

I am a first-time poster, in search of some advice. I have been married for 14 years, and for seven of those years I have been unfaithful. During my seven years of infidelity, I slept with many men. Prior to getting married I had very limited sexual experiences. I justified my infidelity on the basis that what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. That I was just living life to its fullest. I exaggerated things I didn't like about him / problems we had between us to further reinforce my selfish pursuits.

 

As you might expect, all of these risky and selfish behaviors eventually caught up with me, and my spouse found out about it. A mutual friend saw me at a bar talking to another man, and it made its way back to him. My spouse is a good man who loves me completely. He has never strayed. I feel terrible about all of my cheating. I am in therapy. Some of you may take this as an opportunity to attack me for what I did, you are well-justified to do so.

 

When my husband first found out about what I did, I told him some of the story. I admitted to infidelity on multiple occasions. He was devastated and emotionally wrecked. Now that I am trying to work things out and we are trying to reconcile, I am wrecked with guilt about the fact that I have not told him everything. I have not told him the truth about the exact number of people I slept with or for how long I have been unfaithful. However, I know that telling him everything will cost him an even higher order of emotional anguish and pain. I'm trying to decide about the right course of action here. Do I need tell him absolutely everything (sparing him the gory details) or can I progress forward knowing that he's heard enough, that he gets the gist of what I did, and try to build on that to heal? Is it necessary that he know the exact number of people I slept with? (It's a high number). I love him, despite what I did, and I don't want him to endure any more pain or suffering. He loves me and needs me. If I tell him all of these extra details, it will probably be the end of us as a couple. Maybe that's the best thing for him anyways...

[The_Onceler]

You need to essentially answer any question that he asks, and you need to be 100% honest.

 

I can tell you from experience that one of the hardest things for him to accept will be that he knows everything. We go along on our merry way, assuming that our spouse is always honest with us. Once we find out that we were wrong, it is hard (impossible?) to rebuild trust in that person. One thing that will undermine that process is the sense that, even now, our spouse is still lying to us, even if only by omission.

 

Believe it or not, our imaginations can easily dream up nightmares that are worse than reality. Your "number" might be 100, and you are afraid to tell him, but if he asks you the number, and you first tell him 20, and later have to admit it as 30, he will begin to imagine, "What if it is 50? What if it is 100? what if it is 1000???"

 

It is far better for him to know that it is 100 and believe it, than to wonder if it is 1000 or more. That is of course if he even asks. I wouldn't just offer up information that he doesn't ask for.

 

 

 

Also, don't lie by omission. My ex started an affair with an old boyfriend in the middle of 2016. When I started to suspect, I asked her if she was seeing somebody. At that stage, she had emailed him, talked to him on the phone, texted him, sent naked pictures of herself, and "sexted" with him.

 

Since she had not actually laid eyes on him in the flesh, when I asked if she was "seeing" somebody, she said no. Later, when I knew the whole picture, she said, "Well, technically I wasn't seeing him, since we had not met face-to-face at that point!"

 

Sure, maybe she was technically correct, but it was clear that she had lied to me, and from then on, her word was worth less and less to me.

[brown_cat]

I tried to be as truthful as possible, with the exception of a few particularly painful details which I lied about. This is my dilemma. If I go back now and tell him that I actually slept with more people that I had told him previously, over a longer period of time than I had told him previously, I am sure that he will break down in complete anguish. We also have three kids to consider in this equation.

[DKT3]

I tried to be as truthful as possible, with the exception of a few particularly painful details which I lied about. This is my dilemma. If I go back now and tell him that I actually slept with more people that I had told him previously, over a longer period of time than I had told him previously, I am sure that he will break down in complete anguish. We also have three kids to consider in this equation.

 

That's not fair...You didn't concern yourself when you where playing sex in the city. Now, now that it's time for you to face and own up to what you've done you want to consider the kids? Totally unfair.

 

You absolutely owe your husband the Truth. It's obvious it's not to spare his feelings she you clearly believe that more will end your marriage. At some point somewhere you have to place someone's well being above your own. The fact that you are still willing to lie kinda shows your husband would be better off not being your husband. Hurt in the short term, better n the long term.

[Marc878]

If he eventually finds out without you telling him it'll be even worse.

 

Trust is maybe the most important thing in a marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is it necessary that he know the exact number of people I slept with? (It's a high number).

 

High means different things to different people. If you were picking up strangers in bars and slept with 50 men, he needs to know you engaged in that type of risky and pathological behavior. If he's going to forgive, he'll have to forgive all of what you did. If he's going to love you, he'll have to love the real you.

 

You don't get to pick and choose...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Just tell the truth...

 

Listen, you won't get judgment from me, but seven years, I am betting that your number is higher than mine.

 

Here is the deal. I am betting that you can't fix this. You have been sleeping around for half of your marriage.

 

He deserves the truth, and he will probably divorce you. But don't you want to live a truthful life?

 

I get the sleeping around but 7 years, finally someone worse than me. No offense but I have been waiting for somebody like you to come along.

 

Look if you need that variety that is cool. But to still be lying to your husband is just not right, no matter what. And you don't be one of those women that is more concerned about her comfort and her kids now.

 

Just spill it and let the chips fall where they may.

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP, wow. Your husband will not trust you again by going back and telling him the truth...THIS TIME. He will continue to think that you are lying and your marriage will certainly be over, if not already. You say many men and I can surmise that that is more than one, so unless you told your husband you had an affair with only one man, he is likely out.

 

All in all, you did not make multiple mistakes. You intentionally, with a mission and direction, had sex with those other men. Ugh.

 

The BEST thing to do is tell him the truth and let him decide what to do next. Don't use the children. YOU don't deserve nor should YOU use them as an excuse to stay together.

[WomenWubber]

Deep down he probably thinks you have slept with 10x the people you told him so emotionally he's totally screwed anyways.

 

The way I see it the question is whether or not you want to carry that guilt around along with you anymore. The truth will set you free regardless of what he chooses to believe.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been married for 14 years, and for seven of those years I have been unfaithful. During my seven years of infidelity, I slept with many men. Prior to getting married I had very limited sexual experiences.

 

So little previous sexual experience, relatively happily married for 7 years - what triggering event causes you to cheat with a "high number" of partners over the next 7 years?

 

Seems like an awfully big change...

 

Mr. Lucky

[brown_cat]

what triggering event causes you to cheat with a "high number" of partners over the next 7 years?

 

Seems like an awfully big change...

 

Over-consumption of porn. Sexual incompatibility with my husband. Desire to explore my sexuality. Getting older. All of this enabled by issues in our marriage and mixed with opportunity and a fundamentally narcissistic personality (which I am trying to correct now in therapy).

 

Bottom line from the responses: Tell him the WHOLE truth. Even if it hurts him to his core, estranges me from my kids, and makes divorce a living hell. Much easier said than done. :(

[The_Onceler]

Bottom line from the responses: Tell him the WHOLE truth. Even if it hurts him to his core, estranges me from my kids, and makes divorce a living hell. Much easier said than done. :(

 

I think the point is, you've dropped a 10 ton weight on his head. It makes little difference to him now if it turns out to be a 20 ton weight.

 

But if the two of you manage to work through this, and that "other" 10 tons lands at some point in the future, I don't suspect you will bounce back twice.

 

Good luck.

[DannyCA]

There's only two absolutes when it comes to people I have found out. People hate being told the truth when it is not nice and people are only sorry when they are caught. You fit both examples. It sucks because I am in my 20's and people like you and threads like this skew my perspective on marriage. What would be the point of marrying a woman I love if she is going to cheat on me for close to a decade and waste the singular life I have.

 

And still your husband is an emotional wreck and you still want to lie to him. You don't care about benefitting him, you just don't want to ruin your image anymore than you already have.

 

You wasted his life, not the other way around. You sound an awful lot like the early 20's girls (and guys) of my generation. Keeping a spouse around for own selfish gain while "fulling" your own selfish desires behind their back. Only problem is you're way too old to be playing games like you're 22.

 

 

Not to mention you could have possibly given him an std, way to gamble with his life. Stop thinking about only yourself, you've been doing that for 7 years. Tell him the whole truth and accept your consequences. You're a grown a** woman, act like it.

 

 

As I reach the cusp to my late 20's, the realization is finally setting in that I am getting older and that life isn't forever. Seeing people play with other peoples time (in other words their life) is frustrating. Act like the adult you are.

[DKT3]

Over-consumption of porn. Sexual incompatibility with my husband. Desire to explore my sexuality. Getting older. All of this enabled by issues in our marriage and mixed with opportunity and a fundamentally narcissistic personality (which I am trying to correct now in therapy).

 

Bottom line from the responses: Tell him the WHOLE truth. Even if it hurts him to his core, estranges me from my kids, and makes divorce a living hell. Much easier said than done. :(

 

Those things didn't prevent you from living a single life over the past 7 years, why use them to manipulate him into staying?

 

Besides, we here all know better, and have seen your type come and go....Your not concerned with hurting him, not in an unselfish sense but in relation to how it will affect you. All the things you talk about are your doing, the pain comes from the act not from the honesty about those actions.

 

If you get tossed it won't be because you were honest but because you did those things.

 

If you truly cared about your husband you would give him the information to make his decision to stay or go. Instead you manipulate by controlling information.

[DKT3]

There's only two absolutes when it comes to people I have found out. People hate being told the truth when it is not nice and people are only sorry when they are caught. You fit both examples. It sucks because I am in my 20's and people like you and threads like this skew my perspective on marriage. What would be the point of marrying a woman I love if she is going to cheat on me for close to a decade and waste the singular life I have.

 

And still your husband is an emotional wreck and you still want to lie to him. You don't care about benefitting him, you just don't want to ruin your image anymore than you already have.

 

You wasted his life, not the other way around. You sound an awful lot like the early 20's girls (and guys) of my generation. Keeping a spouse around for own selfish gain while "fulling" your own selfish desires behind their back. Only problem is you're way too old to be playing games like you're 22.

 

 

Not to mention you could have possibly given him an std, way to gamble with his life. Stop thinking about only yourself, you've been doing that for 7 years. Tell him the whole truth and accept your consequences. You're a grown a** woman, act like it.

 

 

As I reach the cusp to my late 20's, the realization is finally setting in that I am getting older and that life isn't forever. Seeing people play with other peoples time (in other words their life) is frustrating. Act like the adult you are.

 

Believe it or not, women like this are rare, and if you keep your eyes open during the courtship these tendencies will reveal themselves. Don't allow the stories of a few ruin your opportunity for a great relationship with a wonderful woman.

[beautifulinside2]

No do not tell him everything. If you are sincere about making it work with your husband, are working towards making it right, and have been tested and cleared for all STD's, then don't tell him. I think telling him would feed more into your narcissistic self serving personality, and quite frankly he doesn't deserve to have this marriage haunt him for the rest of his life. This will ruin him. I'm not even sure narcissism can be cured. Just leave and spare him the details, allow him to find someone more deserving of his love. I am assuming you have some type of grandiose type of personality, and you are insatiable. Leave

Edited January 3, 2017 by beautifulinside2

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brown_Cat, if you have an ounce of humanity in you please just divorce your husband and set him free. If you look into the depths of your soul you will see a selfish, entitled person who is completely unscrupulous. Your husband who has been a trusting and trustworthy partner for you all these years deserves better, much better. Be kind once in your life and let him go.

 

You opened your marriage unilaterally and have put his health at risk. If you had not been caught you would have continued on your merry way. Even now it is not certain that if he reconciles with you that you will not revert to this behaviour after the dust has settled. Your excuse of kids is lame. If you read the stories on this forum you will find that the general advice by the good folk here is that it is better for incompatible parents to divorce rather than stay in a marriage where there is tension and distrust. Your husband is never going to look at you with the same eyes. Also there is the fact that sometime down the road he will find that it is too much for him to accept, even with the little that you have told him and he may still divorce you just when you thought things were going to work out. God knows if you are even truly remorseful or just sorry that you got caught. No remorse means the fundamental problems have not been addressed and the reconciliation is bound to fail. Divorce will give you the option of finding and marrying a man who accepts the alternative lifestyle that you have been leading and will give you the freedom to explore your sexuality to your hearts content. There are such men out there, you only have to look for them. In the mean time your husband can find a woman who truly loves and respects him for who he is and will value him as a good man which you, obviously, do not. So lady just divorce him, set him free and chart your own course. Best wishes.

[Freebee007]

Don't tell him anything. He's already hurt. Not sure why he wants to know the gory details. Seems kind of sadistic actually. Nothing you can tell him abt your trysts can fix the problem. If anything, they will make him feel worse and worsen the situation. I'm not even sure why he thinks he can trust anything you tell him.

 

Now, moving on to more important things.... your kids. How much do they know? Make sure they understand that no matter what you and hubby are going through that you love them and it's nor their fault.

 

Stay positive for your kids and yourself. You did these things for a reason. Think and try to understand your reasoning behind it. And it goes without saying that you guys need to separate and divorce. No sense staying with one man if you've clearly proven to yourself that you need multiple.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I am surprised that some people here are advising the OP to keep things from her husband. What will that achieve? She will always live with the guilt of having lied to her husband by ommision and it will gradually eat her up. On the other hand it will not stop her husband from imagining even worse things about her. Fact is the enormity of what she has done, even with the little that she has told him must be eating him up alive. It is only a matter of time before, as has been repeatedly reiterated here, hr will hit the anger stage and that is when her world as she knows it, will start collapsing.

 

In a marriage of 14 years she has been cheating on him for 7 years with multiple men. It is something horrendous and I feel sorry for her husband. I do not think there is any recovering from this. I wonder why the ladies on this forum have not responded to the OP's post considering she is a woman. Maybe they would be able to offer her more empathetic advice. Just thinking aloud.

[Mr. Lucky]

Another poster, not hearing what she wanted to hear, has left the building. Ironic that she would worry her husband would be the one who couldn't handle the truth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fireflywy]

You REALLY want to help your husband and make amends? You need to set him free. You yourself said you are possibly a narcissistic person so your concerns on keeping him probably stem from a need for emotional supply which is still a selfish act. You saying he "needs you" is also incorrect and actually quite demeaning to him as you make it sound like he's a strong man (you'll be surprised just how strong he will become when he's healed.) Tell him the truth, let him process it.

 

Sadly, you just destroyed another human being.

[Homer J]

As a former cheater, you HAVE to tell your partner EVERYTHING!!!! I forget the term, but if you don't and they find out you lied everything starts over again. Yes it sucks as the cheater, but you know what? Suck it up buttercup. You made the conscious decision to cheat. Own your ****. It's your partners decision to end it at that point, just like mine did.

[NHappy]

I am a first-time poster, in search of some advice. I have been married for 14 years, and for seven of those years I have been unfaithful. During my seven years of infidelity, I slept with many men. Prior to getting married I had very limited sexual experiences. I justified my infidelity on the basis that what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. That I was just living life to its fullest. I exaggerated things I didn't like about him / problems we had between us to further reinforce my selfish pursuits.

 

As you might expect, all of these risky and selfish behaviors eventually caught up with me, and my spouse found out about it. A mutual friend saw me at a bar talking to another man, and it made its way back to him. My spouse is a good man who loves me completely. He has never strayed. I feel terrible about all of my cheating. I am in therapy. Some of you may take this as an opportunity to attack me for what I did, you are well-justified to do so.

 

When my husband first found out about what I did, I told him some of the story. I admitted to infidelity on multiple occasions. He was devastated and emotionally wrecked. Now that I am trying to work things out and we are trying to reconcile, I am wrecked with guilt about the fact that I have not told him everything. I have not told him the truth about the exact number of people I slept with or for how long I have been unfaithful. However, I know that telling him everything will cost him an even higher order of emotional anguish and pain. I'm trying to decide about the right course of action here. Do I need tell him absolutely everything (sparing him the gory details) or can I progress forward knowing that he's heard enough, that he gets the gist of what I did, and try to build on that to heal? Is it necessary that he know the exact number of people I slept with? (It's a high number). I love him, despite what I did, and I don't want him to endure any more pain or suffering. He loves me and needs me. If I tell him all of these extra details, it will probably be the end of us as a couple. Maybe that's the best thing for him anyways...

 

This post is not only bizarre, it is disturbing. You speak like you are speaking through your psychologist or just from other people's advice. Think for yourself.

 

And honestly, a little odd considering the people who typically admit to these thing have empathy that is not exhibited in these posts. The way you introduce the situation is questionable, to say the least. Why would you stay with someone in this situation? I definitely suggest telling him everything, and assessing whether you should stay in the relationship if this is even a realistic situation.