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My wife wants to separate. What should I Do?


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Old 13th April 2005, 10:50 AM   #1
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Unhappy My wife wants to separate. What should I Do?

My wife told me again last night that she did not love me. We married young, and have had many good ( and sometimes not so good) times since then. Early in our marriage, we had to move in with my parents. Needless to say, my mother was/is extremely controlling. She would say exceptionally mean things about my wife, along with trying to persuade me to feel the same way. Although on many occasions my wife did not witness this, I defended her to my mother. So much so, that she threatened to throw us out of the house.

During that period of time, I was holding down a very stressful job which at times required me to work long hours. I admit that there were times I did not give my wife the attention she needed or deserved, and that we tended to argue frequently. We were 20 years old when we married, and I didn't have the first clue about what it took to be a good husband to my wife. My father raised taught me growing up that providing for ones family if of the utmost importance. I took that to heart, and truly believe I did not concentrate enough on my wife's feelings.

Six months ago, my wife told me she no longer loved me the way a wife loves her husband. She said she wanted to separate for a period and see how things went. Needless to say, I was crushed. I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. I knew our relationship needed help, but I did not think things had become so bad. I love my wife, and was willing to do anything in my power to rectify what I had done.

During the past six months, we agreed to try and work things out. We began seeing a counsellor (though we've only had one session due to the fact that he lives a state away) and we've tried talk things over in a constructive way instead of arguing causing each other grief. Meanwhile, I have tried my best to become the best husband possible. I have tried to be more considerate of her feelings and accept her for who she is. I have also tried to be a better person overall. I thought we were making progress. I knew it would take time. But I saw us improving.

Last night, she told me that she still did not love me. She said she wanted to be separated from me. Going through this once before helped me to handle the news somewhat better. However, I still hurt tremendously. I feel betrayed, rejected and alone. I have been unable to eat. My sleep last night was restless. Is there anything I can do to ease the pain? Please help.
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Old 13th April 2005, 12:20 PM   #2
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PK, I feel your pain.

Try to find a Marriage Councillor that is closer to where you live. You both need to go once a week. Once in a while isn't going to make things any easier or help.

Maybe you can consider finding a therapist to talk to for YOU. Could help you with this pain.

I'm sure your wife does love you so much, but between stresses and life - Maybe she isn't feeling that intense love...That just doesn't up and disappear...Could be just buried.

Be upfront and as honest with her as you can. Get her to really open up with you and also let her know you will do anything to make it work.

Talk to your guy buddies, maybe spend some time doing things you enjoy. Take your wife out for a fun night of pool or go dancing! Maybe that will ease up the feelings more? Just a suggestion...

I hope things get better for you PK, again, I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling.
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Old 13th April 2005, 1:59 PM   #3
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Is this your wife?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60553/

Alot of similarities between these two posts.
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Old 13th April 2005, 2:36 PM   #4
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Question Is this your wife?-Answer

Yes, it is. I didn't realize she had posted until I scrolled down and looked at others who had posted. It's kind of odd I know, having a married couple express their challenges with each other on the same messageboard. Hopefully this will help us cope with the challenges we're presently facing. Any advise you could give would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 13th April 2005, 2:51 PM   #5
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Pk, Obviously now you've read your wife's thread...I hope she's going to read yours aswell. Could be a good forum for communication and each of you can really understand where the other person is coming from.

Honestly, sounds like bordem and since you've been together for so long she's wanting to see what else is out there, yet she does love you - But as I said in my earlier reply to you, she isn't feeling that INLOVE feeling anymore. That doesn't say she doesn't love you, just means that it's not that same lustful feeling.

I do hope that both of you can work through this rough patch.
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Old 13th April 2005, 3:08 PM   #6
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She doesn't seem to be the least bit interested in saving the marriage. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do in a situation like that.

I don't see ANY reason for you to end up stuck in New Jersey for the rest of your natural life, just because she has made a unilateral decision for you all.

I'm sorry as I can be for your wife, but I don't see any option for you but to get yourself a really good lawyer and stand up for your rights. If you're a good Dad, there's no reason for you to lose primary custody of your children. Afterall, it wasn't your decision to break apart the family.

I can't remember where I read this, but it was something to the effect of, 'while only 20% of fathers go for primary custody, 80% will win'. It is no longer a given that the mother will win in a court battle.

There are alot of ways to reconcile a marriage, and even one person working towards that goal will improve it greatly, but eventually....BOTH partners have to get in the game. Sadly, it doesn't look like she's going to ever do that.
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Old 13th April 2005, 3:23 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally posted by whichwayisup
But as I said in my earlier reply to you, she isn't feeling that INLOVE feeling anymore. That doesn't say she doesn't love you, just means that it's not that same lustful feeling.
I totally agree with WWIU about that. In most cases, there is still love buried somewhere under all the anger and resentment.

Unfortunately, you can't find something that you've given up looking for.
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Old 13th April 2005, 4:52 PM   #8
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Lightbulb To: LadyJane 14

Thanks so much for your comments. As much as it hurts, I think you're right in what you're saying. With all my heart I wish things would work out between my wife and I. I told her last night that she was my soul mate. I believe that with all my heart. But sometimes, that is not good enough.

Thanks again!
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Old 13th April 2005, 5:15 PM   #9
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i hear ya..

I feel your pain. I'm in a very similar situation, I had posted under your wife's thread before I read this one. Trust me, I know how much it hurts. And I know how stupid I feel for the way I acted and for not showing her what she meant to me before. I will never be able to explain why I acted that way or where the real me was hiding.

Life goes on. Slowly.
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