Told my wife of 9.5 years that I want a divorce

[40somethingGuy]

< moderator edit: link to previous thread for context: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/598536-coping-wife-s-affair-neighbor-turns-out >

 

So today I finally took off my wedding ring and told my wife I want a divorce. This has been festering inside me for a long time. Last year she was strangely pulling back. It felt different. Nothing major that I could see made her make a total attitude change against me but she was mean in the bedroom, said that she never should have been married, felt terrible for trapping me. I have a thread in the 'infidelity' thread but basically what happened was we went to our son's cub scout meeting and we ran into the troop's den mother's husband. Wife had a 'holy crap' like reaction and introduced him as a 'friend of a friend.' This was Sept 2015. From that point until Feb 2016 she was cold, distant and awful. Come Feb she was fun, sexual, and amazing to be around. However, I noticed flags with her texting constantly and making her phone as part of her body essentially. In early April she messed up and left her phone as she went upstairs and I opened it to my horror of seeing her having an affair with nude pics to the den mom's husband, who also was an on again off again lover of hers from 1995-2000.

 

We went to MC and that was for the most part worthless. The 1st MC pretty much hated men and would not let me get a sentence out before she judged me. For instance, I would tell the MC that my wife was back to some of her habits that she did b4 and while the affair happened and I was cut off saying, 'quit being so insecure, that was then and this is now.' How that woman took our money should be a felony. It was so bad that even my wife agreed that she was not at all fair to me and actually supported finding someone else. The 2nd was much better but we ran into a medical issue with our youngest that pretty much had to stop MC. Besides, it was really just an excuse to complain about each other.

 

On the surface things were improved. We don't argue and have been better in how we communicate. I still love her. Always have as I have invested 13 years of my life with her. I tried to talk to her about how I am bothered that she will never initiate sex and when I do she seems to try to avoid it but when she does she just doesn't get into it and it seems like a chore. Weird thing is that I can usually get her to O. But maybe she is thinking of someone else. At any rate a couple weeks ago I emailed her my concerns and got nothing. This morning we locked the door to have sex and she was just starting off. I stopped and said, 'you just are not into me.' She said, 'I care about you.' I said you are not 'in love' with me. She said, ' I always wanted to be a mother but not necessarily a wife.' I left the house and then returned to shower (since I plan to leave the house for the day and maybe to a hotel). As I got out of the shower she said, 'I want this to work. You have always been my best friend and have always been by my side.' I told her I still want a divorce as I need more and being your support and stability doesn't cut it for me. Told her she used me and stole 13 years of my life. She said that she wishes I would wait for her to initiate sex. I told her I have tried, asked when she remembers the last time she initiated sex and she couldn't answer. I told her she had porn and her stupid romance novels that she chose over me. Shen then had to go to work. That is where we left it for now.

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added link to previous thread ~6

[NTV]

Hope you've seen a lawyer. If not do so like Monday. Immediately.

 

Yes she's got all the signs of cheating and not stopping. By doing the dramatic wedding ring thing you've telegraphed your next punch.

 

Be ready for anything. She will likely have no problems trying to turn the kids against you. Mine didn't.

 

It's hard to be where you are. I know. Believe me. Separate the emotional side of the relationship from the logistics of staying married or divorcing.

 

No more telegraphing. Eyes open and mouth shut. Capiche?

[40somethingGuy]

She doesn't know I took the ring off. I did and then left the house to collect myself.

[NTV]

Great! Do you have a plan?

[40somethingGuy]

Great! Do you have a plan?

 

She needs to understand that I am done waiting for her to come around. She said she had thoughts about how to make it work. Thinking when we talk I want 1 of 2 things from her. A detailed plan about what she is going to do that will enable her to emotionally connect or her proposal for divorce so we can work on a deal. Let her decide if she is going to.put the work in or let's just negotiate an out so lawyers don't get rich off this situation.

[NTV]

What if she doesn't care about the lawyers getting rich?

[40somethingGuy]

What if she doesn't care about the lawyers getting rich?

 

She doesn't want them to get rich. I know at worst she wants to have a good relationship with me. Running up lawyer score will not allow that to happen. She just doesn't realize she is making a big mistake. She has a lot of internal issues that I cannot fix.

[NTV]

Gotcha. So have you looked at what the divorce process looks like if you can't agree in mediation?

[sandylee1]

Do what's right for you. Until now, she probably didn't think you divorcing her was an option. Stand your ground and know that you're worth more.

[Cephalopod]

I guess you could hit a pancake house every night for the next six months and balloon up to 370 pounds. Don't brush your teeth. Maybe then she'll start initiating.

[road]

It takes more then a WW to stop having sex with her OM to recover from an affair. She needs IC.

[aurelius99]

I think the most telling comment of all was when she said she always wanted to be a mother, but not necessarily a wife. Ouch. That's gotta hurt. What can you say to something like that? I mean, how can you possibly muster up the will to make your marriage succeed when your wife has just told you she doesn't even value it? Wow.

 

I think many women are like this, even if they won't admit it. Usually a man doesn't find this out until after his wife has gotten all the kids out of him that she wants.

[Mr. Lucky]

Besides, it was really just an excuse to complain about each other.

 

Actually, that's not what MC is and the fact you weren't able to make progress (I know how disruptive a child's illness can be) has left you rightfully filled with resentment and frozen in place. It's been less than a year since her A, really not much time at all.

 

You're kind of at an "all or nothing place" as a couple, would probably have to be total commitment to the hard work of making things better - or divorce. I'm sorry events - including those of your WS's choosing - have put you in this position...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

I hope you know you deserve a woman/wife who REALLY lives you.

 

She has said that's not her.

 

Hopefully you take charge of your future and become free of a gal who doesn't respect or honor you.

 

Get busy living!

[SaltAndLight]

Sorry to hear that! Infidelity is never easy. I have been in your shoes and if I were there again now, i personally am not 100% sure if i could ever trust to the level of salvaging the marriage again. Kuddos to you for going to marriage counseling and trying to make it work that way!! It sounds as if you are wanting a divorce not necessarily because of the cheating but more so for the lack of sexual initiation from your wife..is that accurate? You say you still love her and i don't doubt that's the truth but it strikes me odd that you were willing to work it out as long as she was into the sex. Are you sure you really want a divorce or are you more so wanting her to show initiation and her love for you?

[BluesPower]

Go ahead...

 

She has had one affair that you know about. Probably more.

 

Not really interested it sex, but wants D/s sex with other man.

 

Forget it...

 

What I have come to realize is that when a woman wants you and loves you, you know it. When she does not, you know that.

 

Don't waste your life.

[aurelius99]

Go ahead...

 

She has had one affair that you know about. Probably more.

 

Not really interested it sex, but wants D/s sex with other man.

 

Forget it...

 

What I have come to realize is that when a woman wants you and loves you, you know it. When she does not, you know that.

 

Don't waste your life.

 

BOOM.

 

10 characters.

[40somethingGuy]

Sorry to hear that! Infidelity is never easy. I have been in your shoes and if I were there again now, i personally am not 100% sure if i could ever trust to the level of salvaging the marriage again. Kuddos to you for going to marriage counseling and trying to make it work that way!! It sounds as if you are wanting a divorce not necessarily because of the cheating but more so for the lack of sexual initiation from your wife..is that accurate? You say you still love her and i don't doubt that's the truth but it strikes me odd that you were willing to work it out as long as she was into the sex. Are you sure you really want a divorce or are you more so wanting her to show initiation and her love for you?

 

How one treats you sexually says more about how they respect and feel about you. When I read some of the intense sexual capacity of my WW with the OM it stung. I am a very sexual person. When it becomes a chore then that is what I need to know regarding how the WW feels. Funny thing is that once I drop it on her in writing and begin to initiate the process (playing phone tag with lawyer now) she will probably have an about face. We did talk some last night and she swears she doesn't want a divorce and wants to get back to where we once were. Obviously, I have my doubts.

[BluesPower]

How one treats you sexually says more about how they respect and feel about you. When I read some of the intense sexual capacity of my WW with the OM it stung. I am a very sexual person. When it becomes a chore then that is what I need to know regarding how the WW feels. Funny thing is that once I drop it on her in writing and begin to initiate the process (playing phone tag with lawyer now) she will probably have an about face. We did talk some last night and she swears she doesn't want a divorce and wants to get back to where we once were. Obviously, I have my doubts.

 

Here is the deal for me. I have justifiably received criticism for my womanizing. I don't have a problem with that.

 

But I have been with woman that have really cared for me that I have had to literally calm down and get them to slow down in order to really have some good sex with them.

 

Why are they like that? BECAUSE THEY ARE INTO ME. And some of them loved me.

 

If you wife is starring into space when you try to have sex she is not into you.

 

Have you talked about the type of sex she wanted with OM? Why is that not happening with you, because she is not into you. In my estimation she does not love you and if she does, she has a really funny way of showing it.

 

I have resolved that I will never ever chase another woman. Not my wife and not any new GF's when I get to that point. If they want to be with me, they have always let me know.

 

If she does not love you and is not into you, then why try to fix it.

[40somethingGuy]

Things have been better and she has been sweet-sie with me. But there is one major issue that she just will not seem to comply with. When she cheated and got caught she promised that I could look in her phone whenever I wanted. Of course, I know she can delete things like anyone so snooping is not really the reason I have consistently required her to not change her phone password without me knowing it. Sunday at breakfast it looked like she changed her password. Said that she did cuz our little one actually went into her phone after he saw it. But she never told me she did this and I was upset. She showed me the password and I told her that this is the most avoidable issue and just don't change it without me knowing and in turn I wont have the need to care what's in it. Couples who make it don't seem to have to hide things. No issues in the next few days until last night I come home from work and see her phone on the counter. I check to make sure the password has not changed and low and behold...it did. gave her a lot of cold shoulder last night. She was asking 'honey do you want to watch this show with me' and I simply said 'no' and walked away. She was confused when she woke up to an empty bed as I crashed last night in the spare bedroom.

 

 

So, what would the true man do here? I am afraid I know the answer. I want to grow but this issue will keep us from that and I am tired of her causing conflicts like this for no reason and they don't need to happen. But I will not allow the same conditions that allowed her to cheat in the first place. She clearly is not respecting me.

[BluesPower]

No she is not... I am sorry.

 

Further, you know what she is doing, you know she is talking to someone that she is cheating with. She has it locked so that when he texts her and she is not by the phone that you cannot check it before she has a chance to read it and delete it.

 

You already caught her cheating once. If you want to know what is going on now then get the DR Fone software and recover the texts.

 

If what I said is true, then what do you think you should do?

[DKT3]

Bluepower, I'm afraid is correct. Your wife has continued her affair, at least maintaining contact. She continues to change the password so there is no risk that you will see any messages before she does..

 

Here is. Little test, the next time she changes the password, grab her phone find her and demand she gives you the password so you can unlock the phone...My money says she won't do it, but in her actions there you will get your answer.

[40somethingGuy]

Bluepower, I'm afraid is correct. Your wife has continued her affair, at least maintaining contact. She continues to change the password so there is no risk that you will see any messages before she does..

 

Here is. Little test, the next time she changes the password, grab her phone find her and demand she gives you the password so you can unlock the phone...My money says she won't do it, but in her actions there you will get your answer.

 

Oh I get it that it sounds that way except for one thing she actually doesn't know- she has no idea that I can monitor her texts from our mobile provider's website. When some texts were deleted during the affair (mainly her and her gf talking about it) I was able to still see these on the website. So, without looking at her phone I could still monitor who she is talking and texting with. And it has been really clean. I am 80% of her texts. My mom and her cousin are the majority of the others. So, its strange that she really has nothing to hide but insists on hiding. I just can't have that.

[notbroken]

Your wife shows a lack of interest in you, has cheated in the past, and keeps her phone password protected. Why would you even bother asking for the password multiple times? The answer and path is clear. I'm sorry.

 

I decided some time ago that I am never looking at someone's phone. If I have to check it is already too late. Of course that is just my opinion but if someone can't be trusted then it is time to move on. Clearly it is too late if a confirmed cheater keeps a password on her phone. Let her have her password protected phone and a cheating boyfriend. She has earned them and all the unhappiness that will result.

[DKT3]

Oh I get it that it sounds that way except for one thing she actually doesn't know- she has no idea that I can monitor her texts from our mobile provider's website. When some texts were deleted during the affair (mainly her and her gf talking about it) I was able to still see these on the website. So, without looking at her phone I could still monitor who she is talking and texting with. And it has been really clean. I am 80% of her texts. My mom and her cousin are the majority of the others. So, its strange that she really has nothing to hide but insists on hiding. I just can't have that.

 

Getting and expecting them or knowing there is a possibility is still there. There are many many route in which she can continue contact with him. I'm not saying they are texting but the only reason why she would behave like this with her phone is the possibility of contact. Otherwise, she has no reason to in this situation. The one thing I learned from this is never underestimate the lengths a wayward spouse will go.