Confusion and pain...

[EquinoxShadow]

I have been married to my wife for 5 1/2 years now. We have had our ups and downs, but the worst have been in the last year or so. She has a "best friend" now, and says she has never had that sort of relationship before. We have two young children together.

About the same time she met her BF, she started saying that she felt like our relationship was drifting away from each other. I suggested counseling through our pastor, through a licensed Christian counselor at our church, and through any secular counselor she could find. She refused every suggestion, and never offered any suggestions of her own.

While the her relationship with her BF grew, our relationship was neglected. Not only between her and I, but she also neglected our children. She would give the kids to anyone that would watch them for her while I was as working. She would tell me that they wouldn't eat, but I would feed them and they would eat almost anything I would give them.

She also would mention hurting herself or killing herself, usually when something didn't go her way. She refuses to have a discussion with me, and every attempt to have one ended up an argument.

People were accusing my wife and her BF of being homosexual, anf they took a picture of themselves kissing, "just out of spite". There were no feelings involved. This came out because my W's BF's H found it in his W's phone.

I also must mention that her BF is now divorced. And has three children with her X. She also neglects our children more when her BF's kids are around.

I discovered that she was talking inappropriately with a married man. She told him that she cheated before, and gave no specifics. She tried to get him to meet her. When I confronted her, she said that she only said that she cheated to be able to relate better to him because he'd cheated before.

And, to top it all off, I was injured at work about 6 months ago. She hasn't really been there for me fruit all. She just complains that I am not helping her, I'm not giving her the physical relationship that she needs, and not spending as much time with the kids.

I had back surgery about 2 weeks ago. She actually went with me to have my surgery. She really hadn't been to any appointments before that. My mom had been taking me back and forth to appointments. She stayed with me at my aunts house the night after I had Surgery. We had to go back to the hospital to have a drain tube removed. When we went to out house, she stayed one night. Then she stayed with her BF for three days. I left and went to my grandmother's and mother's house. I have been here ever since.

 

I really don't know what to do. Part of me wants a divorce, the other part really just wants to work this out. I have just forgiven so many things. I have always been there for her and the one time I need her to be here for me, she just wants to do her own thing. Any advice is appreciated.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I really don't know what to do.

 

Part of me wants a divorce, the other part really just wants to work this out.

 

I have just forgiven so many things.

 

I have always been there for her and the one time I need her to be here for me, she just wants to do her own thing.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

 

I'm very sorry you are facing this crisis. Losing your Beloved Bride to separation/divorce or death might be the lowest point in a man's life. (and this goes for ladies losing a beloved husband too.)

 

We have different stories, but I too lost my wife. She just wanted out after 20 years. And I mean out. She left me and my 6 kids. I became Mr. Mom overnight.

 

She's been gone for 4 years; made a new life; has a boyfriend, plays in a praise and worship band in a local church, got a new job, apartment, and even a new wardrobe.

 

So I know what you are feeling.

 

You have tried to keep your marriage intact, but unfortunately, there's only so much you can do. She must want the marriage to stay intact too.

 

It takes 2 to get married, it takes 2 to stay together, but it only takes 1 to break the marriage apart. It's really that simple.

 

Since you mentioned your church, a Christian counselor, and forgiveness, I'm assuming you are a Christian --- and I am too.

 

As a disclaimer, I don't believe in divorce for any reason, so I can't help you with that topic. (But there will be many that can chime in and help you, if you decide to go that route.)

 

Some things for you to do right now:

 

Let go with love. This means no hatred, no bitterness, no trying to retaliate --- Read Matthew 5, 6, and 7. These 3 chapters will help you to stay on the same page as Jesus.

 

Show her love, kindness and respect.

 

You have had over 5 years of marriage with her. Be thankful for those years. Maybe you'll get 50 more years, or maybe you'll need to be content with the 5 you've already had.

 

She is entitled to leave you if that is her choice. Don't make her feel guilty.

 

Don't bring up the marriage vow -- she knows what she is doing is wrong.

 

I would highly suggest that you move back home today!!

 

Your kids need you, and it's not a good thing legally to move out. Make a new bedroom somewhere in the house if that helps. Don't call to say you are moving back --- just go back home. It's your home!! Only leave your home when a Judge gives a court order to move out.

 

It's her house too, so she is legally allowed to stay. Don't resort to throwing her stuff out the door, or make any threats. Jesus would never do that, and the law will penalize you for any harmful things you do.

 

Make a new bedroom so you can have some peace of mind and your own safe area in the house.

 

Yes, it's rough emotionally tough being roommates, but it's a big no-no to move out of the home. Please move back home today, and have your pastor help setup a network of people to help you through your back recovery.

 

Don't pester your wife to help you. This means you will need family and church family to support you. Don't be bashful to ask for their help.

 

Your wife is being pulled in 2 directions. She wants her pet sins yet she wants the stability of having you. Sin is pleasurable for a season, so this could take awhile to run it's course.

Edited November 27, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Mr. Lucky]

I left and went to my grandmother's and mother's house. I have been here ever since.

 

You need to talk to a lawyer specializing in divorce ASAP. There are many options during separation - residence, finances, child care, etc. - that have lasting implications.

 

Your wife is making decisions she feels are in her best interest. You should position yourself to do the same. None of this means you're giving up on your marriage - but you can't control the fact your wife already has.

 

See an attorney, the initial consultation is often free...

 

Mr. Lucky