oldbutcurious Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 (edited) I have just been through this thread about breaking up, and I feel like venting for several months now, or maybe years. Officially, husband (H) left me in May this year. His tendency, however, was to leave each time we have a problem (financial mostly). We have 3 kids already. The second thing I have against him - he is a drunkard who verbally abuses me... but then, he abuses me verbally even when sober by being rude. I had to bear it for 16+ years. Now, he stays in their family home, with an income (not enough to meet his half share for our 3 kids with eldest being 17 years old) but at least, he contributes regularly now, since July. Previously for the last 16 years, he had irregular income, or pretended to have helped me a little with my income opportunities. In short, I kept up with him, not because I had hoped he will change for the better (as he always promised) but because he kept returning to me (or us, our children stays with me). When he left in May, I told him I would not accept him anymore as a husband, but would like a civil and even friendly relations for the sake of the children... and that I would be seeking to find another man. As always each time before he leaves us, he agreed to what I want. Just recently, I had a business trip near their area, and he made sure he was able to see me. We talked, told him that my being nice to him does not change my stand that I am trying to find another man. I told him I no longer want him back in my life. Like the previous situations we had, he pleads saying he has changed, now doing his best to earn... I told him I don't want to get hurt like he always did to me before, and that I no longer believe him whatever he says or does. He calls several times weekly, talking to the children, and to me, being nice and all. Always asking if I already have another man in my life. I told him I wish I had. In truth, I have a huge crush on an open university (OU) classmate. Let's call him RS. I know he has a family, but I am not sure about his standing with his wife. This has been quite a while. We have met in person twice, the second during the busines trip I wrote above. I and RS is with another OU classmate, and those meetings are simply friendly meets. However, the huge crush seemed to start since he made me laugh each time we had a chat. Maybe, early this year. He is not aware about it, although I intend to let him know in a proper, or maybe, acceptable way - if only I have an idea how. I tried to observe his personality based on news, photos, and things he share, or talk /chat about. And if it would help, he is a Virgo, around 47 y.o. I am 44. In our last (2nd) meet, I feel like a young school girl - the feeling is just crush, thrilled. We laughed, exchanged a lot of ideas, stories, jokes. I've checked a link shared by someone here about the signs if a guy is in to you... but I am just scared and not even sure if I want to pursue or not. Its- I sometimes feel hopeless. Or maybe, he's not available or not attracted at all. But my idea is that - it's either him or not at all. All advice, comments, whatever you can share, much appreciated. I am not always in this forum, but please do not get offended if I cannot reply ASAP. I will do try to check soon as I can. BTW, legal separation or the equivalent of divorce in my country is impossibly costly, something I cannot afford at the moment. SO, while I intend to make the separation legal, I am waiting for the financial opportunity. Thank you! Edited November 25, 2016 by oldbutcurious Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted November 25, 2016 Share Posted November 25, 2016 I would be happy for you only if the guy you are flirting with is not a married man. Their marital issues is not your concern. He is still married and you easing your way into the picture will just ruin what is already starting to be ruined. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted November 25, 2016 Author Share Posted November 25, 2016 I would be happy for you only if the guy you are flirting with is not a married man. Their marital issues is not your concern. He is still married and you easing your way into the picture will just ruin what is already starting to be ruined. Looks to me like he's separated. He posts family pics, w/o the wife. And posts flirty photos (some stranger girls). No indication at his profiles that he is still married or that he has special someone at the moment. I'd like to know the real score, too, but I don't want to appear tacky. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Who_took_my_name Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 Erm, I'm a Virgo (if that matters). If he IS separated and you're sure about that then why not just tell him? It's not like you see him everyday at work, what's the worst that can happen? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted November 26, 2016 Share Posted November 26, 2016 I would make sure he is separated. Please DONT take his word for it. Maybe ask close friends, or wife, or what ever.. We lie (Bad Men) to get some !. This forum is full of posts from women who fall in the same trap. I am glad that you informed your husband about your intent to move on. Superchicken doesn't like cheaters. But nothing is ever one side. So I listen to both sides. If you really cannot, and do not want to continue with your husband, then its over for him. Make yourself happy in you last years in life, and pick someone that WILL be able to share the same years with you. I'm not sure about this MM, as again, is he really free ?. But, you have the rest of your life to find those butterflies in your stomach again like a school girl. Ted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 Erm, I'm a Virgo (if that matters). If he IS separated and you're sure about that then why not just tell him? It's not like you see him everyday at work, what's the worst that can happen? We mostly talk about politics, and school subject topics... so, I really cannot think of the proper time, or words to use. How? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted November 28, 2016 Author Share Posted November 28, 2016 I am glad that you informed your husband about your intent to move on. Ted. He does not want to accept that it is over. He keeps calling and if he has the opportunity, meets me to talk, or hold me. Keeps saying he wants me back. Sometimes, I feel pity. But that is all there is. I sometimes worry on how to make him understand. Link to post Share on other sites
LexiCat29 Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 You talk to Virgo men the same way you'd talk to any other man... As for your husband, he can't make you stay in a relationship with him so I wouldn't worry about explaining it over and over. If he doesn't get it, that's his issue to deal with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted November 29, 2016 Share Posted November 29, 2016 (edited) We mostly talk about politics, and school subject topics... so, I really cannot think of the proper time, or words to use. How? As this other man's conversation with you is strictly impersonal, I think it's safe to say that he has zero romantic interest. I'd even go as far as to say that he doesn't even see you as even a moderately close friend. If a person is a friend, they will share information about their personal lives with you. Edited November 29, 2016 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted November 29, 2016 Author Share Posted November 29, 2016 As this other man's conversation with you is strictly impersonal, I think it's safe to say that he has zero romantic interest. I'd even go as far as to say that he doesn't even see you as even a moderately close friend. If a person is a friend, they will share information about their personal lives with you. I see that, too, as most likely. I'd say I'm moving on from here. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted April 1, 2017 Author Share Posted April 1, 2017 OK, we remained "friends" and we kept chatting online... And yes, he had started to share about personal info - about his married life, etc. And he acknolwedged that "classmates are forever." SO these little things make me happy, a source of sunshine for me. Then, for some reason, he asked me to have lunch with him, and I am literally jumping up and down (imagine snoopy). I hope this is forgivable. I'd settle for this than nothing - that's how it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 I hope you don't mind... I don't have no one to rant /share in real life... and it's lonesome out here.... - so, we had lunch together and shared more stories about family - rather our children... work, and his usual favorite: local & intl. politics/governance. ... he insisted to pay for everything, and for the first time, I mastered enough guts to peck on his cheek to say bye... he posted on social media the small token I brought him. ... I said next time I will have to pay... and he said "just tell me when and where and I will go..." by the way he shared stories, I know we have started a platonic/friendship bond... I've told him I borrow positive vibes/energy from him - he's so optimistic as compared to my jaded/cycnical views (basically, politics/economics - as our works although very different, deal with socio-econo-politics issues) - and he is glowing about it... explaining in details about his positive outlook. He has been my source of joy for a while now (about a year now, or more), without having to admit it to him, although he might already feel it. I am amused with many of his posts or even comments he retort on comments on his posts. Truth be told, I am content with this friendship we now have. I am now even hoping it will just be that - uncontaminated friendship... I have to convince myself, 'tho. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 Among my friends online & IRL, only a few knew I had a broken marriage... am not one to flaunt about it... I have had two - I really do not know how to properly word them but I do not find them respectable - offers that mean there's a "want"... It may flatter, but beneath, I feel irritated... Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 I would make sure he is separated. Please DONT take his word for it. Maybe ask close friends, or wife, or what ever.. We lie (Bad Men) to get some !. This forum is full of posts from women who fall in the same trap. I am glad that you informed your husband about your intent to move on. Superchicken doesn't like cheaters. But nothing is ever one side. So I listen to both sides. If you really cannot, and do not want to continue with your husband, then its over for him. Make yourself happy in you last years in life, and pick someone that WILL be able to share the same years with you. I'm not sure about this MM, as again, is he really free ?. But, you have the rest of your life to find those butterflies in your stomach again like a school girl. Ted. lol...widest smile ever...... superchicken doesnt like cheaters...dont think i have heard more classic line....todreaminblue puts on blue cape hands on hips....lol...wide smile...stands beside superchicken...neither does todreaminblue...lol....im a geek..had to write that..deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted April 6, 2017 Author Share Posted April 6, 2017 ..... superchicken doesnt like cheaters.... well, I think most people would not want cheaters, me included. keeping the butterflies in my stomach secret, is not cheating, right? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 6, 2017 Share Posted April 6, 2017 well, I think most people would not want cheaters, me included. keeping the butterflies in my stomach secret, is not cheating, right? no it isnt.....its actually respectful..... i wasnt being stupid becuase of your situation..i was being stupid because super chicken reminded me of A poultry yoda..."superchicken doesnt like cheaters.... but listens to both sides yes hmmm....im sorry ....if i offended you.....im not playing on an even keel this last week......finding things funny....helps out a little....i shouldnt find funny things in serious threads.....when i can get the goof out of me...i will answer your post seriously.....but for now..im pretty goofy......and i have images of green chickens in capes ..in whom the force is strong...... i have had a pretty tough week .....and im sorry i made light of your situation...ill be back on earth soon.....want me to pick you up space food sticks....or pop rocks......for when i come back as a sincere sorry... ..deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oldbutcurious Posted April 8, 2017 Author Share Posted April 8, 2017 no problem them, we all go through phases - including crazy... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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