Drama..

[OatsAndHall]

I have a female friend that I have known for thirty years who is embroiled in a nasty separation. Her and I never dated: we've always just been platonic friends and there is no romantic connection between us. I contacted her when I heard about the separation just to see if she was doing alright. She has leaned on over the last month and asked for advice, which I don't mind. However, one of the issues in her marriage is her husband's presence over social media and contacting other women so she has been open and honest with him about being in touch with me. She has asked me about the circumstances of my divorce as there are similarities between what she is going through and what I went through. I briefly glossed over what happened between my ex and without trashing her or going into too much detail. I thought this was in confidence. Apparently, it wasn't. She shared something related to my divorce with her husband who immediately turned around and contacted my ex-wife. I got stuck dealing with her ranting and raving via text yesterday and it made for a terrible day.

 

I contacted my friend and asked her not to share ANYTHING else regarding my divorce with ANYONE. She apologized and stated that her husband had been told one side of the story with my divorce and she was defending me.. She said that she wouldn't talk about my divorce again but that I have been a great source of comfort to her as I have been pushing for her to reconcile with him, for various reasons. She stated that she hasn't felt as angry towards him as she has seen that the issues in her marriage are nothing that can't be worked through. Again, I didn't tell her much about my divorce but what I did share showed that there are absolute deal-breakers in a marriage and that she doesn't appear to be faced with them.

 

So, now I am at an impasse. A part of me wants to continue to be there for her but I know that I won't go through another day like I did yesterday. And, now I am furious that her husband ran his mouth to my ex-wife which makes even just listening to her difficult.. I have been tempted to call him out on it but that's just pointless.

 

Do I keep being there for her or tell her that I cannot continue to have contact with her if her husband is going to act like this?

[PegNosePete]

Continue to be there for her but don't share any more details about your own situation. She is a motor mouth. Don't say anything to her that you wouldn't say in front of her husband and your ex wife, and assume anything you do say will soon become public knowledge.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Do I keep being there for her or tell her that I cannot continue to have contact with her if her husband is going to act like this?

 

In my humble opinion, she needs a friend that provides a safe place to vent, and is not required to be apologizing to.

 

Maybe you are that friend, maybe not.

 

She is hurting, and she is trying to compare your former situation to what she is going through. It's going to be tough for her to honor your request.

 

I know nothing about your situation (how long ago, who did the initiating, etc) so please don't think I'm trying to pounce on you --- but MAYBE this is an opportunity for you to 110 percent move forward.

 

My story is several years old, so I'm able to look back with fond memories, and not worry who asks questions, or even if my estranged wife posts things on facebook. I don't have facebook, but this year I've been told about things that my estranged wife has written about me -- negative comments. I was able to chuckle about it, and realize that she is still holding on. I could not have responded that way a few years ago!!

 

So it's nice to see how I've moved forward.

 

She picks up my younger boys every month and even makes negative comments to them. Instead of getting upset and letting it effect my life, I'm able to realize that I've truly let go. I often googled phrases like "signs I moved forward from my ex" to see how well I was doing or not doing.

 

Drama is not fun, as you and I both know. As I see it, your friend is hurting, she is not thinking clearly, and she is in survival mode. If you can hang in there for her, I believe you can be a big help during this time.

 

Her husband and your ex-wife are the drama makers, and apparently your ex-wife has not let go yet.

 

Again, maybe this is a time for you and your friend to make some forward progress.

 

Wishing you and your friend peace in this difficult time.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do I keep being there for her or tell her that I cannot continue to have contact with her if her husband is going to act like this?

 

I'd guess, regardless of what she might tell you, they're a package deal. Telling her is like telling him.

 

Given your history with your ex, plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OatsAndHall]

Well, her and I chatted last night and he isn't happy that she's talking to me about their issues. Even after she told him that I was advising her to reconcile with him and work it out. So, it wouldn't really matter what I say or don't say about my divorce because there's a good chance he will stir up things, regardless. I'll continue to be there for her and just listen.If she asks more about my divorce, I'll just keep it short and bring it back to her relationship.

 

Unfortunately, she is not happy with his reaction to our talking as he did not handle it like an adult. And, neither am I. But, I'm staying out of that side of things and I'm also just deleting my ex-wife's texts as they come in. Lol

[Satu]

Your decision to listen to her air pretty much everything about her failing/failed relationship, has led to you becoming a participant in it.

 

Even taking your good intentions into account, I think it's a bad idea.

 

Let her find somebody else to rake through the ashes of her relationship with.

 

Back off and leave her to get on with it.

 

 

Take care.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Oats, thirty years is a long time for one to be friends with someone else. I guess you could call yourself a true friend. The point is true friends are meant to be there for each other and as long as you do not get involved emotionally you can stand by her so that she feels she is not alone in the difficult situation she finds herself in. More than giving her advice I would think that you should provide her with a sympathetic ear, listen to what she has to say and pitch in with a few words of comfort if at all. The listening will be therapeutic for her rather than giving her advice based on your own personal experience. Just my way of thinking. Warm wishes.

[SaltAndLight]

Sorry your day went that way! It is always a risk in sharing any kind of personal information with anyone else. I have experienced this many time and the truth is, you just have to use wisdom on exactly what and how much, including who to share personal info with. People are amazing in general, but if backed in a corner or if thinking they need to defend someone (like she thought for you) their responses can surprise us! I think you should continue to be there for her perhaps with a little less info on anything personal from you. Listening is always a need to anyone hurting and she seems to have an anchor in your friendship. As far as her husband goes, I wouldn’t too much worry about it. Sounds like he just needed something to talk about.