5 years later, here I am.

[Jane Deaux]

(Copied from my reply on old thread)

 

Well, what an eventful 5 years.

 

Separated twice. This is the final time and papers are on the way.

 

I've been going through old posts, reviewing where I was then.

I must say, what a mess I was.

 

I'm in a completely different place. Turns out, husband was on drugs, possible affairs, maybe not, but it explains his inability to give me the things I needed to connect and love.

 

My boys are old enough to handle the divorce, which is being one very mature and friendly. Soon to be ex doesn't want the divorce, but why would he when I've been a complete crutch for him.

 

I'm empowered, have a great job and I'm a new person.

Loving life and as soon as these papers are in the system, I'm going to date for pleasure. I don't think I'll be in a long term relationship fir a very long time. I don't want commitment. I just want to relax and focus on me! Can't have no man messing up my free spirit and frame of mind. It's me and my kids from here on. I'm so happy right now after a very dark 8 years.

 

 

I'm reading you ladies posts and I see that it never really changes. Itake amazing how similar affairs feel to us all. It's chemical, hormones and the way our bodies and brains react to them. I will say this, although I feel amazing there is something broken in me that I can't get back. I do believe it's the the reason I will have commitment problems for a long time. I hope you all consider that before you fall head long into something that can and may damage you permanently.

 

Hugs to all!

 

 

 

< moderator edit: links to previous threads for context:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/252788-supposed-just-sex-we-both-married

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/269022-everyday-i-come-here >

Edited November 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added links to previous threads for context ~6

[ladydesigner]

Jane Deaux I will stand beside you as I am in the same boat. I am currently separating/divorcing and STBXH does not want it for exactly the reason you stated and I have always been his crutch even through his mental abuse.

Can't have no man messing up my free spirit and frame of mind. It's me and my kids from here on. I'm so happy right now after a very dark 8 years.

 

Me too all though it has been 13 dark years for me (7 of them were blissful at least). It's been 4 years since the discovery of his last A and he was not remorseful.

 

Best of luck to you!

[mikeylo]

Never too late to start a new life ! When all is done and settled, you will think why did you take so long!

Anyway, hope you have an amicable divorce.

[aurelius99]

Plenty of women have stayed with men who are on drugs. Plenty of women have stayed with men for even worse things. Sounds like you are fishing for reasons to get out--even saying he had an affair when there's no evidence. I think your free spirit which wants to hook up for pleasure just grew tired of this man. That's probably the real reason. At least be honest.

[Jane Deaux]

Plenty of women have stayed with men who are on drugs. Plenty of women have stayed with men for even worse things. Sounds like you are fishing for reasons to get out--even saying he had an affair when there's no evidence. I think your free spirit which wants to hook up for pleasure just grew tired of this man. That's probably the real reason. At least be honest.

 

 

You have no idea my circumstances based on a glimpse of something I wrote. It's an old story and there was evidence. Texts and letter. But thats old news. And just that you would say plenty of women have stayed with men on drugs means that I have to? No, I am not reaching and I will not put myself and children through that. I think maybe you might have a problem and therefore you are excusing drugs? Eh. Who knows. But I know that I am finally happy. My kids are finally happy. I don't have to REACH for a reason to be happy. It took me almost 5 years of begging and another 5 of just being miserable to get to this point. So no, I don't have to endure a lifetime of misery because "plenty of women do". I didn't want a free spirit, hence the begging the first four years. But when broken and you let go you can become free and I'll not have ANOTHER man do that to me.

 

A bit presumptuous of you to write such a thing, But thanks for your response regardless.

Edited November 21, 2016 by Jane Deaux

[ladydesigner]

You have no idea my circumstances based on a glimpse of something I wrote. It's an old story and there was evidence. Texts and letter. But thats old news. And just that you would say plenty of women have stayed with men on drugs means that I have to? No, I am not reaching and I will not put myself and children through that. I think maybe you might have a problem and therefore you are excusing drugs? Eh. Who knows. But I know that I am finally happy. My kids are finally happy. I don't have to REACH for a reason to be happy. It took me almost 5 years of begging and another 5 of just being miserable to get to this point. So no, I don't have to endure a lifetime of misery because "plenty of women do". I didn't want a free spirit, hence the begging the first four years. But when broken and you let go you can become free and I'll not have ANOTHER man do that to me.

 

A bit presumptuous of you to write such a thing, But thanks for your response regardless.

 

You don't owe anyone anything. You have one life and one shot at happiness! Best of luck to you ;-)

[Superchicken]

You don't owe anyone anything. You have one life and one shot at happiness! Best of luck to you ;-)

 

Close, Superchicken thinks a little differently.

You do have ONE life.

But, you have such a limited time to live it.

Take as many shots as you need to find this life that has alluded you.

DONT allow yourself to be in a bad marriage/relationship.

Don't allow abuse or any kind of compromise to hold you down.

 

 

As ladydesigner said, "You don't owe anyone anything".

Those with kids (Young or old), they will survive, so don't waste your life to try and protect them from a divorce. Just handle it right, and move forward. Life is precious, and once your too old, your too old (Sorry old people ).

 

 

Ted

[OatsAndHall]

There was a lot of crap that went down during my separation that opened up my eyes to just how unstable my ex-wife was. I had always know that she had some unresolved issues while we were married but her behavior during the separation was unhealthy, hurtful and at times, downright dangerous (driving across town after drinking while on muscle relaxants...).

 

But, outside of the things that that led up to and happened during the separation, I realized that our five years together were absolutely toxic. I was constantly stressed out because of her behaviors, the poor communication, and many other things. The same issues popped up again and again, there was no rational communication and nothing was ever resolved. I was amazed by the huge sense of relief that I felt once I got out of that situation. I realized that the marriage was turning me into an angry, resentful, distrustful person and I didn't like that. It really was bringing out the worst in me, as much as I tried to fight against it. The divorce did devastate me initially, given the circumstances and the abrupt end to all of it. But I am a much happier, much more stable individual now that I am away from all of it.

 

Kudos, ma'am.