OatsAndHall Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I talked to an old childhood friend of mine that I had lost touch with over the last year or so. We aren't as close as we used to be when we were younger but we used to meet or chat once a month or so and catch-up on life. We hadn't talked in awhile and I assumed that it was because I had moved away. This wasn't the case. I came back into town, shot him a text to see if he wanted to go have a drink while I was in town. He was very aloof in his response, didn't want to hang-out (he'd generally jump at the opportunity) and I asked him very bluntly what was going on. He agreed to meet up and informed me that he had talked to my ex-wife a few months ago (they know each other as well) and that she had blatantly told him lies about our marriage and the divorce. He and I had talked about the divorce briefly when it first happened and just told him that her and I were having problems in the marriage, we separated and that things nasty things occurred during said separation. An example that I didn't share with many people: she took off her wedding ring a week after the separation and was hanging out with an old/new boyfriend that is now living with her. I have kept the details of the divorce limited to my family and a few people the few friends that I know very well. I became angry, laid it all out for him as I was furious that she would paint such a despicable picture of me and telling lies. I was angry with him at first for not talking to me about it but I also know that she has always been exceptional at playing the victim card and that it is easy to buy into her crap. I grew more distraught as he told me that she had shared this fabrication with many of our mutual friends and some of them I know on a professional level and it could impact my career. But, needless to say, that conversation screwed up my entire day and is still bothering me today. I had moved past her and the pain of the divorce and this conversation dragged everything back up again. I could care less about what she tells her friends and family as that doesn't impact me and I have no ego. But, she is talking to mutual friends and professional acquaintances about it and I don't want to lose touch with these people for a variety of reasons. One of them is a former superintendent/principal of mine who I use as a primary professional references. My friend was angry when I told him the whole story and said that he'd make sure people knew what actually happened. I asked him not to do so but I know him very well and he will tell people about it, particularly as he feels just as betrayed as I do. So, I am unsure as how to proceed in this situation.. I hate defending myself and discussing the details of the divorce. But, again, I don't want to lose people that were MY friends before the divorce or have my professional integrity questioned.. Suggestions? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I don't think this is a situation where you should even have to defend yourself. If these people were your friends before the divorce, then they're not going to listen to what your ex's telling them. If they do and they actually care, they weren't good friends of yours. If one of my friends exes came to me and told me a bunch of crap about their situation and how they were treated, I honestly would not care. Unless it was something serious like murder. But it's my understanding that people who go around talking about their personal matters and telling their business to the entire world are unstable people. And it shows when they're talking because they often give information that people don't feel comfortable hearing and information that people really don't care about. I'm willing to bet most of them see that she is just hurt or possibly unstable and therefore they're not taking her seriously. But if they are, so be it. There's no point in trying to change their minds on a subject that is none of their business. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OatsAndHall Posted November 12, 2016 Author Share Posted November 12, 2016 I don't think this is a situation where you should even have to defend yourself. If these people were your friends before the divorce, then they're not going to listen to what your ex's telling them. If they do and they actually care, they weren't good friends of yours. If one of my friends exes came to me and told me a bunch of crap about their situation and how they were treated, I honestly would not care. Unless it was something serious like murder. But it's my understanding that people who go around talking about their personal matters and telling their business to the entire world are unstable people. And it shows when they're talking because they often give information that people don't feel comfortable hearing and information that people really don't care about. I'm willing to bet most of them see that she is just hurt or possibly unstable and therefore they're not taking her seriously. But if they are, so be it. There's no point in trying to change their minds on a subject that is none of their business. I agree with you on this completely and it's something that I have thought a lot about. However, she is telling people that I was abusive towards her, emotionally and physically. That is an absolute lie and could have severe repercussions for my professional life. I never berated her nor would I ever think about raising a hand to her or anyone else for that matter. It really bothers me because this friend of mine knows me well and SHOULD know that I am not that kind of person. But, the marriage ended very abruptly and quietly (at least from my end) and has left people wondering what happened. So, given that fact and that she is a capable story-teller and "victim" could make people wonder if anything she is saying is true.. A part of me is seriously spinning right now and my judgement is clouded (hence why I'm on here..) but I do believe that this situation could pop up again as she is losing the ability to play the victim. Both of our close friends and family know that our marriage ended as I had a serious issue with her contact with her ex-boyfriend. She went into business with him and his family behind my back and just expected me to be okay with it. So, now that she is living with this guy, she is now spinning this web of lies to try and make it look as if I drove her into his arms or some b.s. like that. I am just as a loss at this point. Thankfully, I will be leaving town and heading home today which will help me clear my head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Do nothing. Anything you might do would just put more energy into the gossip. *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means she might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete her from all social media. *No monitoring of her on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 She used her lies to justify her actions/affair pretty effectively it seems and you like many helped hide it. Now you get to pay the price. Her actions/affair were all on her how you handled it was on you. Cheaters lie a lot did you really think she wouldn't turn this around on you? Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 I know how you feel. My stbxh tells his friends and family that Im the biggest cow in the world. Things like I called the police on his unnecessarily, that I shut him out of mine and our children's life, and that Im a compulsive liar and everything Ive accused him of has never happened. I KNOW this is all fabricated by him but I understand that he will try and defend his actions in any way possible. Do I care what he tells his friends and family? Not particularly, I know they will support him and accept that fully. Just like I know that my friends and family will support me. Saying that, if I was in your position, I would be very upset. How dare she alienate your mutual friends from you. What your ex did was very undignified. She should have been mutual about the situation to your mutual friends. Shame on her! I would get in touch with these friends and just diplomatically ley them know that what they heard wasn't what really happened. If they value your friendship at all they will listen. If they don't, they were never your friends in the first place. They are hers. Let them stay that way if thats the case. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 12, 2016 Share Posted November 12, 2016 Do nothing. Anything you might do would just put more energy into the gossip. Have to agree, most of us learned this lesson in high school. Build a body of work over the course of your life that refutes these lies in general terms, let the rest go... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted November 13, 2016 Share Posted November 13, 2016 Yeah, there's really nothing you can say at this point. They're going to believe what they want to believe. If you try to talk to them and say it's a lie, then it's going to become a huge "he said she said" ordeal and she will retaliate again. By not saying anything, you're looking like the more stable party. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 14, 2016 Share Posted November 14, 2016 IMO you tell the truth to whom you're closest to. The truth fixes a lot of things. If you care. If not it doesnt matter. Your friend believed her didn't he? From what I've seen people take silence as guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 You must defend yourself to people who matter. Do not let people who knew you live with only a half truth. You have only yourself to blame if it creates doubt in there minds! I would have come to you as a friend if I had heard these things about you for the truth. I would have questioned you closely. Once satisfied I would have called her out to every person I knew. I don't tolerate lairs and neither should you. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted November 23, 2016 Share Posted November 23, 2016 Sue her for slander. If she is telling lies the can hurt you professionally. Sue her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OatsAndHall Posted November 24, 2016 Author Share Posted November 24, 2016 I am just tapping out on all of it at this point. The people closest to me know the truth of the situation. Anyone that talks to her and only takes her side of the story don't matter to me. Anyone that asks me about it will get the truth. I've taken big steps forward in moving past the divorce and I can avoid this kind of crap as it only sends me one step backward. Link to post Share on other sites
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