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Separated over 2 months....


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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  • 1 Post By mikeylo
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Old 31st October 2016, 4:25 AM   #1
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Unhappy Separated over 2 months....

Well if you read my prior post I'm still in the same situation... however there has been some gradual change but it's still a struggle... the affection has gotten better.... but sometimes I wonder if it's genuine or if it's his way of trying to save us.
The drinking has not improved but the verbal abuse has stopped ... at least for the last two drinking episodes which he was more obnoxious and not abusive....also he's stopped bringing up money and what he contributes.
my fear is to stay and everything go back to how it was prior.
I don't think I'm ready to live together again I feel better on my own less stressed and happier, but I also realize I'm being selfish with our kids and not having to work at our marriage, my fear is if I stay apart any longer I'll want it to be permanent.
I'm not sure what to do but I'm thinking to ride it out for the next six months then make a final decision.
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Old 31st October 2016, 9:54 AM   #2
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Stay separated. I read your other post. The more time you spend on your own more clarity will come and more stronger you will become.

You and your kids don't need this life of abuse. It will get worse once your business starts and worse when it picks up. Add financial abuse to the mix.
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Old 31st October 2016, 11:54 AM   #3
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Of course it will go right back to how it was before, as soon as his foot is back in the door.

That is how abusers work.
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Old 31st October 2016, 1:02 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Mrsdaphne View Post
Well if you read my prior post I'm still in the same situation... however there has been some gradual change but it's still a struggle... the affection has gotten better.... but sometimes I wonder if it's genuine or if it's his way of trying to save us.
The drinking has not improved but the verbal abuse has stopped ... at least for the last two drinking episodes which he was more obnoxious and not abusive....
Tell him if he really wants to save your marriage, he can prove it with a year of sobriety and positive interaction. Not negotiable.

I wouldn't make any decision until that's completed...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 2nd November 2016, 2:35 AM   #5
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Wow, my heart says stay separated for now as well.
I feel badly and I don't know why... I feel guilty... but even partial weekends are so difficult... I honestly don't think I can drag this out a year I don't believe its fair to any of us.
I really believe a shorter time frame will tell me all I need to know.
Am I unrealistic to think that marriage should leave you happy and fulfilled the majority of the time?....
This process seems painful if we end up divorcing,but I'm strong enough to do it.
I feel like giving it one final shot and if it doesn't work just file and serve without any hesitation....if I agree to reconcile in the future should I make it clear that there are no more chances, I want for us to both take responsibility for our part of the breakdown and dysfunction of the marriage, but if it cannot work then just move on amicably ...I have some hard final decisions to make.

I'm really scared to go back... I don't think I can reconcile this year I feel to much stress and pressure ... I feel badly because of the holidays ... but I don't want to feel crappy after the holidays and stuck in the same BS....
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Old 2nd November 2016, 3:03 AM   #6
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I want for us to both take responsibility for our part of the breakdown and dysfunction of the marriage, but if it cannot work then just move on amicably ...I have some hard final decisions to make.
Unfortunately, I have way too much "up close" experience with addicts and alcoholics.

If he's still drinking, he won't be able to keep his side of your proposed deal. Even if he promised, you'd be foolish to belive him.

Absent sobriety and the support of a program, you'll have to decide how much more of your life you'll want to invest. Given your inability to fix him, maybe it's time to just be responsible for you...

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Old 2nd November 2016, 7:29 AM   #7
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He will not change. He will only modify his behavior to reel you in and replace it with something else, some other behavior, to keep you confused and stop from moving on. Passive / aggressive behavior is very common for abusers.

He will not divorce as easily as you think he will. You will need a strong attorney to tackle him.
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Old 4th November 2016, 3:11 PM   #8
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Hi Mrs Daphne, I have read through both your threads and some facts emerge. Your first marriage ended in divorce after five years because your first husband was a paedophile, a fact you were not aware of. You had children/ a child from that marriage. You then got married to your current husband and have been married for six years. You have notentioned how long you spent alone between marriages but assuming it was around two years it makes for approximately thirteen years since you first married. What also emerges is that you have a tendency to pick husbands who ate far from ideal. One can understand that in the first case you were unaware of your husband's tendencies. However in the second case your current husband's tendency to drink must have been pretty obvious while you were dating him. Also you say that for six years your current husband contributed less than three thousand dollars towards bills and you were the principal income earner during this time. He has only stepped up to the plate from May this year because you were on maternity leave(which probably implies your income fell short of being able to support the household singlehandedly). IG this is correct then the obvious question is did you agree to such an arrangement when you married your current husband? If not then how did it end up being so unequal? How much does your husband earn vis a vis you for such an unequal arrangement to have evolved?

Now that you are planning to start a business how do you plan to raise capital if you have'nt been working and probably have very little in savings? You also want to shift to another house( bigger?) Which may entail more costs in addition to your business costs. You would need some seed capital to be able to psy expenses before your business starts paying you a living. How do you plan on handling all this stress along with a drunkard husband who will not be helping you at all but is likely to be a drag on you. I am sorry to be painting such a grim picture for you but the fact is you need to be realistic in your expectations. In my opinion your husband is the first bit of baggage that you need to dump. I do hope there is no infidelity involved because that will only cause more problems for you.

I have to ask you what were the circumstances in which you met your husband and what made you fall for him? I guess in future you will have to do a lot of due diligence while choosing a spouse. Both your choices till now have been disastrous. Hope some of this helps you to clear your brain and plan your future properly. Warm wishes.
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Old 8th April 2017, 2:48 AM   #9
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Took him back .... regretful

Thanks for your feedback, I have made really ****ty choices when it's comes to partners,trust and believe I will be okay with opening my business and moving to a bigger home, I'm almost there.
Im very ambitious and get things done, I took back my husband in January as one last attempt to make things work. Big mistake he hasn't changed nearly enough, he has also been flirting with a girl at work and putting very little energy into repairing the marriage. I sooo regret bringing him back,I'm really mad at myself for ****ing up my life with the choices in partners I have made. My new plan involves just me and my kids. I want to take the next several years to build a stronger more positive relationship with my children, build financial success and continue to work to be the best me possible.
I told my husband today when he got home that I have tried, but us no longer works....... I'm not sure what my next steps will be but I'm so tired of living a ****ty life and I will not let my children grow up with sadness and stress.
The saddest thing is how many lives a broken marriage impacts.
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Old 26th January 2018, 4:48 AM   #10
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Update!!!!!!

Okay, so it's been over a year since the last separation and uniting. What a big mistake that was, the whole of 2017 was spent in tears and put downs and drunken episodes. I managed to use exercise as a way to battle stress and I lost thirty pounds!, however communication and change with my husband got worse. I started my business and it's going great! It's actually a two in one business online store and public service, I have received grants and scholarships to further my education in the business and my partner has gotten nastier. I can't believe he actually gets mad when I ask him for quality time. Since we had our baby in 2015 we have not been on 1 date. I'm not even going to get into what's he's done when it comes to woman at work... drinking .. bad mouthing me to in laws I'm just so done. Friday I filed for divorce and I'll give it to him this weekend when he visits the kids. I literally started having anxiety attacks and circumstantial depression, this marriage was like a disease in everything good I was trying to do..... so in a nutshell I had no choice to tell him two days before Christmas I was done because he was drunk 9 am and I promised myself I wanted my children and I to enjoy a sober Christmas...not waking up to his irritable hangovers or finding him passed out somewhere... I did a desperate and bad thing and made his parents retrieve him while intoxicated that morning.... told them I can't deal anymore and I want a divorce ... MIL agreed as she always wanted an arranged marriage for her son. Anyhow good news I'm hurting but feel hopeful eye twitch and anxiety gone. Sorry for th grammar and typos... it's been a super long day.
Btw I will serve him the paper when the visits over and continue to be the best mommy and future coparent.
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Old 4th February 2018, 3:53 AM   #11
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Hi Mrs. Daphne, good to see that you have finally tightened your belt and taken the bold step that you had to. From everything you have written, it is apparent that you are a woman of substance, resolute enough to take the bull by the horns and address the problem at hand. With the spirit that you are displaying it is clear that you will make a success of things both in your business and your personal life. As they say, Life favours the bold and it will certainly favour you.

I wanted to ask you about something if you don't mind. I have noticed that your avatar pic has a couple at the celebration of their wedding. I wanted to ask you if it is a pic from your wedding ceremony? If it is then further, I wanted to ask you if (your) hand raised to block the camera is painted with some traditional colour normally used in Indian weddings? If so does that reflect on your ethnicity? The fact that your MIL mentioned she wanted her son to have an arranged marriage further piqued my interest. You do not have to answer but it would be nice of you if you did so. Thank you. Warm wishes.
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Old 4th February 2018, 3:33 PM   #12
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There is no doubt that you know what you want in life
and have the determination to see it thru.

Take Care
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