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She Cheated and Wants Out, But...


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Hi, this isn't technically a "divorce," since we aren't married, but I felt like my situation was a little more serious than a "break-up." Hopefully I'm in the right forum.

 

 

After confronting my live-in g/f of 5+ years after some suspicious activity, she admitted that she has been seeing someone else for three months and no longer wants to be with me. So that hurt...a lot. It will take time to cope and get over that, but more importantly, we have a child together in preschool.

 

 

I realize many couples with children break up. But I am really attached to my daughter. I work from home, so have spent a lot of time with her; she really is my world. I already dread not being with her as much as I'd like, given the fact that fathers often get the shaft in these situations.

 

 

My g/f's "plan" is a bit odd. She wants for us to continue living together (we have two floors, so won't share a bed, etc.), at least for a few months, while she decides if this guy is worth leaving for, long term. I am not sure if she wants to use me for rent or free child care, but it is so awkward, painful and depressing living with her, knowing she has been with someone else. But of course, leaving means leaving my daughter. I am hoping the horrible feelings I have will subside and this will be "normal," but it just seems off.

 

 

The guy she is seeing lives in another state, which immediately raised a red flag. What if she decides to someday more there?!?! So, I wrote up an agreement, similar to what a court order would look like. I made sure everything was completely fair (time spent with daughter, holidays, can't move out of the state without permission, etc.) and she was furious, thinking I am taking things too far. She asked, "Why not just keep things as they are for now and worry about that stuff if/when one of us moves out?" Well, again, as a guy, I don't get many rights when it comes to fatherhood, so I just want to protect myself.

 

 

So two questions really: Am I crazy to stay in this living situation (note: the other guy does not come over and she has no plans to have him do so...they plan to meet at a hotel or travel or whatever once a month or so) in order to stay with my daughter and maintain some level of short-term normalcy for her? And should I pursue the custodial agreement; if she doesn't want to work on it, should I get a court order or give her the benefit of the doubt for now?

 

 

Thanks for your advice...

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Two quick points to add: I have no intention of getting back with her (not that it's likely to be an option). I just want to be clear that trust has been broken and I'd have been out the door immediately if not for our child. Also, her plan is to still do things as a "family," such as eat dinner, watch TV, take our daughter to restaurants, etc. She wants to maintain a status quo from our child's perspective. So it's not like we're ignoring each other.

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BoughtAtAPrice

I'm so sorry you're going through this but my first reactions was "Cake Eater!" She just wants the best of both worlds and that is totally unfair on you. No regard for you at all.

Who's name is on the property? If it's yours I'd be telling her to get out and leave your daughter behind with you. I've been through this myself - when my exWH confessed his affair we had no choice but to live in the same house for several months and it was the most awful, awkward thing I have ever had to do.

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She hasn't yet decided if he's worth leaving for. So have you told her that as far as you're concerned, she's history? Because it sounds to me like she thinks you're there on the back burner.

 

Get legal advice pronto.

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Yes, you would be a crazy and naive fool to go along with her "plan." Do you enjoy being Plan B? She is actually trying out another man, surely will have sex with him if she hasn't already, and you will allow her to come home at night and sleep under your roof? OP, come on. She just took a huge crap all over your relationship and now you're actually considering allowing her to rub your face in it? You need some serious self-respect and dignity.

 

Talk to a lawyer, immediately. You need to know your rights as your girl's father.

 

What your ex is concocting is absolutely ridiculous and not in the best interest of your child at all. She is thinking only of herself.

 

Go find those b*lls she put in a jar somewhere and stand up for yourself, man!

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Hi, MJK16, and welcome to LS. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You have a few things going for you - one is that you're not married, and common law usually takes longer than 5 years to establish, so you should at least avoid a lengthy battle over the home and finances, etc.

 

I don't think there's any doubt, as others have said, that your GF is having an affair but keeping you as a back-burner option. That should be unacceptable.

 

I would ask - do you own your home, does she, or is it jointly owned? If the latter, then you might have some things to figure out.

 

But my advice would be to do the following things (not necessarily in this order) as soon as possible:

 

1. IF you own the home, tell your GF that she needs to find her own place to live as soon as possible. The two of you sharing a home while she sees someone else is unsustainable.

 

2. See an attorney and find out what rights and responsibilities you have in this situation. I would bring with you the agreement you had written up and discuss that. But I wouldn't do anything official until you at least speak with a legal expert.

 

3. Do whatever you can, with legal help, to maximize your time with your child. I would aim for primary custody, given that you already work from home and presumably are already provide primary care, you might have a strong case for primary custody. Again, though, a lawyer could walk you through this.

 

4. Protect your finances. I'd cancel any joint accounts or credit cards you might have with her. Make sure she can't run up bills on your name. You're not married, so this should be easier to do than it is during a divorce, in theory.

 

5. Take care of yourself. Seek a counselor or a divorced men's discussion group, or some thing of that nature to help you through this. Talk to friends, family, etc. Keep posting here. Just make sure you look out for your own well being, and especially that of your child. Those are your two priorities right now.

 

I wish you luck, and keep posting!

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ugh...yes you are crazy and also a doormat.

 

 

Take your daughter and leave or kick her out. No reason she should be the one to keep your daughter.

 

Have some self respect man.

 

I can tell you as a child of divorce and many friends who are going through it with older parents - your child will respect you LESS if you allow this to happen. Kids know, they aren't dumb. Pretending to be a "happy" family will do more damage to the child than being honest and splitting up.

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Thanks for all the feedback. I know this is not sustainable, or I wouldn't have come here to post. I guess I just needed validation. To answer some questions:

 

 

We rent our place and don't share any financial accounts.

 

 

I don't see how I can just take my daughter since the mother cheated. As I understand it (and yes, I am getting legal advice today), I have very few rights as an unmarried father. At least, until I get a court order.

 

 

I would love to get primary custody, but I just don't see it happening b/c of the law.

 

 

So, I told her I am leaving and getting my own place soon and she BLEW UP. Clearly, she wanted me around to just pay the rent and now she's screaming and pissed and calling lawyers and threatening to take her from me, etc. Total nightmare. Hopefully the attorney I speak with later will have some positive news for me.

 

 

Please keep the comments coming; they are helpful during this difficult time. I appreciate them.

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Thanks for all the feedback. I know this is not sustainable, or I wouldn't have come here to post. I guess I just needed validation. To answer some questions:

 

 

We rent our place and don't share any financial accounts.

 

 

I don't see how I can just take my daughter since the mother cheated. As I understand it (and yes, I am getting legal advice today), I have very few rights as an unmarried father. At least, until I get a court order.

 

 

I would love to get primary custody, but I just don't see it happening b/c of the law.

 

 

So, I told her I am leaving and getting my own place soon and she BLEW UP. Clearly, she wanted me around to just pay the rent and now she's screaming and pissed and calling lawyers and threatening to take her from me, etc. Total nightmare. Hopefully the attorney I speak with later will have some positive news for me.

 

 

Please keep the comments coming; they are helpful during this difficult time. I appreciate them.

 

Good that you are getting legal advice. I wouldn't give up so easily on aiming for - at the very least 50-50 custody, given that you have been in many respects a stay at home dad, working from home and caring for your child.

 

Also good that you rent and have no joint accounts. That should make the process much easier.

 

Her anger likely is more than just at you for trying to move on, it is at herself for the situation she has created, and looking ahead to a life where she no longer has a partner to share financial and child-care responsibilities. Seeing the future she has created likely is what is making her angry, more than any specific action you are taking. That's just my experience, anyway.

 

The bottom line is that the No. 1 issue at this point is the custody and care of your child. That should be your top priority. Move quickly in getting legal advice, getting your own place, and moving forward with a custody agreement. Then you can rebuild your life and move on to a better place.

 

I wish you luck.

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Get a lawyer and don't talk to her anymore about anything other than your child. The less you say to her the better off you are. Don't leave until your lawyer tells you if it is a good idea or not. I would give her exactly what she wants for now. She can sleep in another room I would keep the master bedroom. She can go be with the other guy. I would document every time she leaves your child with you. I would put myself in a great light for the courts to see.

I was married for ten years. I had two girls from a previous relationship and two more kids with my ex wife. When I divorced her I kicked her out and kept the kids. I showed the court I was the only bread winner. I showed the court I was the only stable parent. I won custody and she lost everything.

 

Keep yourself calm and think things through. Don't let her dictate how you move forward. The more planned and thought-out your moves are the less chance she will have to get anything.

 

On another note get a var (Voice Activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times. The last thing you need is for her to accuse you of domestic violence and make you look like the back guy right off the start.

 

C

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MJK,

 

Like you were told get to an attorney pronto and let the attorney do all your talking.

 

And now that her true self has been exposed and you know the truth, get a VAR on you and have it turned on every minute you are in her presence.

 

If you think the law favors women in divorce or separation ,wait until you see what happens if she files a false domestic violence charge.

 

Stop posting and get to an attorney and then come back.

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What country are you in? Not the US?

 

Usually it is a joint custody thing unless one parent is unfit, and infidelity does not count.

 

On another note, WHO CARES if she gets upset? She is the one that cheated and is happy to have you around to do dishes and babysit. I know that you are happy to be with your daughter, but it would be so much better in your own place with a new GF.

 

Get to a lawyer ASAP and spare no expense to get your custody worked out fairly and legally. And don't entertain any ideas of getting back with her no matter what she says or does.

 

Good luck...

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The reason I mentioned she was so upset is twofold. She can be pretty vindictive and will likely channel that anger toward screwing me in these process. Also, she said some horrible things in front of our daughter (I wish had a VAR at that time!). And of course, I am not getting back with her, regardless. I am seeing an attorney today. And I live in the US, since it was asked, as well. My biggest priority is keeping my daughter nearby, since this new guy is out of state. I'll follow up after my appointment.

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Hi, this isn't technically a "divorce," since we aren't married, but I felt like my situation was a little more serious than a "break-up." Hopefully I'm in the right forum.

 

 

After confronting my live-in g/f of 5+ years after some suspicious activity, she admitted that she has been seeing someone else for three months and no longer wants to be with me. So that hurt...a lot. It will take time to cope and get over that, but more importantly, we have a child together in preschool.

 

 

I realize many couples with children break up. But I am really attached to my daughter. I work from home, so have spent a lot of time with her; she really is my world. I already dread not being with her as much as I'd like, given the fact that fathers often get the shaft in these situations.

 

 

My g/f's "plan" is a bit odd. She wants for us to continue living together (we have two floors, so won't share a bed, etc.), at least for a few months, while she decides if this guy is worth leaving for, long term. I am not sure if she wants to use me for rent or free child care, but it is so awkward, painful and depressing living with her, knowing she has been with someone else. But of course, leaving means leaving my daughter. I am hoping the horrible feelings I have will subside and this will be "normal," but it just seems off.

 

 

The guy she is seeing lives in another state, which immediately raised a red flag. What if she decides to someday more there?!?! So, I wrote up an agreement, similar to what a court order would look like. I made sure everything was completely fair (time spent with daughter, holidays, can't move out of the state without permission, etc.) and she was furious, thinking I am taking things too far. She asked, "Why not just keep things as they are for now and worry about that stuff if/when one of us moves out?" Well, again, as a guy, I don't get many rights when it comes to fatherhood, so I just want to protect myself.

 

 

So two questions really: Am I crazy to stay in this living situation (note: the other guy does not come over and she has no plans to have him do so...they plan to meet at a hotel or travel or whatever once a month or so) in order to stay with my daughter and maintain some level of short-term normalcy for her? And should I pursue the custodial agreement; if she doesn't want to work on it, should I get a court order or give her the benefit of the doubt for now?

 

 

Thanks for your advice...

 

Sorry to hear about your troubles. The other posters are right. Your girlfriend is pursuing a new relationship with this other man all while using you as a backup in case things don't work out with him. The fact that she got mad at you since you don't want to play along shows you where her heart is and her low respect of you. Yes, kick her out but be careful as she might try to call the cops on you on a trumped up domestic abuse charge. All the more reasons to get her out!

 

That said, you need to speak to an attorney about this situation, particularly about the parenting arrangement because legally you're entitled to 50/50 custody so she can't just take your child and run to another state unless you agree to it.

 

On the other hand she is legally entitled to 50/50 custody just as you are so going after full custody isn't going to work as it's only awarded in extreme cases or if a parent just gives up their rights.

 

Because you have a child with this woman, until someone dies, the two of you will be dealing with each other in some way shape or form for decades. It doesn't stop at 18 so buckle up and hire a lawyer asap.

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So, I told her I am leaving and getting my own place soon and she BLEW UP. Clearly, she wanted me around to just pay the rent and now she's screaming and pissed and calling lawyers and threatening to take her from me, etc. Total nightmare. Hopefully the attorney I speak with later will have some positive news for me.

 

You're simply getting a preview of how she plans to treat you down the road. Were the roles reversed, do you think she'd be waiting at home with dinner on the table when you returned from weekends away with your new GF? I think not.

 

You'll have pain and disruption, both emotional and financial. Might as well get it out of the way now and see where you stand. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Quick update: the attorney told me VAR is illegal and I should definitely not use them...? He was very optimistic about my situation, but when I returned home, my ex informed me that she is going for full custody. Just to spite me...doesn't even care about our child, clearly. Ugh.

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My lawyer also says no way she gets full custody. He thinks our case is pretty routine. I just can't believe she cheated on me and SHE is going for full custody! WTF!!!

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My lawyer also says no way she gets full custody. He thinks our case is pretty routine. I just can't believe she cheated on me and SHE is going for full custody! WTF!!!

 

You said she's vindictive ....

 

She thought she had a fool she could disrespect and misuse. Once she found out things weren't going to go her way, she reacted the only way she knew how.

 

I agree with the poster above who said it's time to grab your nuts. Stand up for yourself and your daughter. This might be a long battle. One that goes on far past the initial custody agreement. From this point forward, you need to be strategic and wise. Follow the advice of your attorney and be prepared for anything.

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Quick update: the attorney told me VAR is illegal and I should definitely not use them...? He was very optimistic about my situation, but when I returned home, my ex informed me that she is going for full custody. Just to spite me...doesn't even care about our child, clearly. Ugh.

The VAR may be illegal, but you can document everything she says- for example, you need to write down what she said in front of your daughter earlier today and date it, keep a record of everything that she does that is not in your daughters best intrests, this will help you greatly when it comes time to write your afidavits.

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MJK,

 

The attorney may have told you the VAR is illegal, but you have much less risk of her getting anywhere prosecuting you as a cheating spouse over that then what the police reaction will be if she calls the cops and claims you hit her. They will haul your ass off to jail. I would take the VAR route anyway.

 

From these opening statements she has made she in now your worst enemy and you better treat her as such.

 

Tell her any communication about your relationship now goes through your attorney and that if she thinks she is going to run roughshod over you she is in for a rude awakening.

 

She is trying to use your hurt and shock to bully you. Once you start hitting back you will see bullies do not like to get it right back in their face. You have legal representation. Now tell her she can try to do whatever she wants but the law will decide what she gets and what she does not get.

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The living arrangements seem to benefit her, and her alone. She has the best of both worlds. But consider this: The Law Is Clear: An unmarried woman who gives birth to a child has custody of the child automatically. No rights for the father if you're not married....

 

She might be aware of that and in order for you to succeed in your custody battle, just stay with the child, no matter what. Staying in the same house is painful, but since your daughter is in the same house also, you need to hang in there. Let your lawyer know about all that you have done for your daughter, working from home, being the primary caregiver etc. and don't do anything different right now, maintain the status quo, don't change anything about your situation. It wouldn't be helpful to change your living situation right now, even if that's the first thing I would do instinctively right away in a situation like that.

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ugh...yes you are crazy and also a doormat.

 

 

Not really sure just how helpful that sort of a response is? The OP found himself in an utterly hellish situation that I wouldn't wish on anyone through no fault of his own. Whilst he seems to have now decided it is over for good I'm pretty sure (sorry if I'm wrong) that when he wrote that first post what he was really hoping for was for her to walk through the door one night and say it was him she wanted and she was sorry, had a blip and let's make things work.

 

Not sure why, especially considering there is a child involved, that makes someone crazy and a doormat.

 

Sorry to read how this has all played out, it's a shocker of a story and I truly feel for you. Just hope things get resolved quickly because clearly there is a small person who will benefit from spending lots of time with a parent who's a shining example of doing the right thing.

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Quick update: the attorney told me VAR is illegal and I should definitely not use them...? He was very optimistic about my situation, but when I returned home, my ex informed me that she is going for full custody. Just to spite me...doesn't even care about our child, clearly. Ugh.

 

She knows that your daughter is your weakness so that's where she's going to hit you.

 

Look. If your a good parent and a good dad, there's a real good chance of getting 50/50.

 

So if you soon to be ex gets pissed, then let her. Just let her know that if she kept her pants up and knees together, used good judgement none of this would have happened. If it was me I would tell her that the test drive is over with her new guy so hit him up for financial help. Then shut down with her and spend your time with your kid. I had to go through the same threats that your now going through and what you need to do is listen to your lawyer. That's why your paying them.

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My lawyer also says no way she gets full custody. He thinks our case is pretty routine. I just can't believe she cheated on me and SHE is going for full custody! WTF!!!

 

She wants child support money.

 

Does she even have a job? Or an income?

 

Look, what you should have done, in my opinion, is just to pretend to go along with her "plan", and on the mean time prepare your whole case with your lawyer, sue for full custody (which you won't get unless she is a mess, but will get you shared custody).

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