My wife cheated, what do I do now?

[Completelylost12]

My wife and I married in 2010. Shortly, after out marriage (approx. 9mos) she started texting a mutual friend from work. I questioned her about the frequency of the texts and she claimed he was in need of relationship advice. As the weeks progressed, the text seemed to increase. Long story short, after seeing some things I did not like, I told her I didn't want her texting him anymore. After a brief argument she agreed to stop. I told her over and over again that I thought there was more than just a friendship happening. I must have asked her 100s of times if she cheated with him or wanted to, through the years. She always told me NO, and would get defensive. Fast forward to 5 days ago. The constant wondering finally got the best of me. I sat her down and told her that I knew she cheated and was told by another mutual friend. I then told her if she didn't tell me the truth, I would divorce her. She finally admitted that "all we did is kiss, once". Now I am stuck wondering if that is all. And if it was a simple kiss, why did she hide it for almost 7 years. I feel like she only told me because she felt she had no other choice and only told me enough to shut me up. She has spent the last 5 days begging me to stay and treating me like a king. She has repeatedly told me how disgusted and sorry she is. From a woman's perspective...am I getting the whole truth? Is she really sorry? Should I file for divorce? She claims it happened because our marriage didn't start out as planned. We argued alot, we certainly didn't act like newlyweds. Any advice would help me more than you know. Thanks in advance!

[Marc878]

you confronted without proof. You'll always get lies.

 

Cheater script kiss = sex

 

If you want the truth download her deleted text messages using a recovery system on her phone.

 

If they have contact it will continue.

 

You own 50% of the marriage but an affair is 100% on her.

[Wade Lamare]

Yes, cheaters translation kit.

 

We never met = We met loads of times.

We never kissed = tongues etc.

We never had sex = yes, we did.

It was only once = sorry, lost count.

The sex was awful = I fricking loved it.

He had problems getting it up = he was rampant.

We only did it vanilla = It was chandelier swinging monkey sex.

We never did oral ...... well you get the picture.

 

Anyway, what do you want to do? It's no good asking a bunch of strangers what to do if you haven't got an overall plan. Make a plan, stick to it but be prepared to adapt as circumstances change.

 

Do you want to ultimately reconcile or separate/divorce?

 

Is OM married? If he is speak to his wife it might get you some more information.

 

A bit late now but you might want to look at STD tests.

 

Are they still working together after all these years?

 

All we did is kissed? Really? Take a look in the mirror and see if you have 'MUG' tattooed on your forehead. While I will say that it is possible that they only kissed I have seen very few, if any, instances where in reality "they just kissed".

 

Your biggest problem is the length of time that has passed by, evidence gathering is going to be difficult to say the least. As I suggested perhaps speak to his wife, she may have info she didn't want to tell you all those years ago.

I would suggest speaking to the guy and telling him that your wife told you that they had sex once and that you want his side of the story. He will either say "No no no, we only kissed, I'm sorry." or "Oh crap, sorry yes it was only once." or, of course simply refuse to speak to you. Problem is I find contacting the OM like this to be a bit of a weak move.

 

A couple of other tacks are, if you know who the guy is, is to tell your wife that you've spoken to him and he has apologised and told you about the sex in his car, storeroom whatever (make something believable up) and that it is time she told you the truth.

 

Make it clear that this is a one time chance to come clean with the whole truth. Any further trickle truth will result in divorce.

 

The other alternative is that if she has her own car to install a VAR in it then tell her you are going to contact OM to get the truth from him. Odds are that she'll phone him in the car to get their stories straight.

[l8estnews]

She has spent the last 5 days begging me to stay and treating me like a king. She has repeatedly told me how disgusted and sorry she is. From a woman's perspective...am I getting the whole truth? Is she really sorry? Should I file for divorce? She claims it happened because our marriage didn't start out as planned. We argued alot, we certainly didn't act like newlyweds. Any advice would help me more than you know. Thanks in advance!

 

File for divorce. If you are emotionally strong enough to do so. If she can hide this thing for YEARS, you'll never get an answer as to how far this went on.

[BluesPower]

Yeah buddy, she has been sleeping with him for a while. Sorry to tell you.

 

The ball is in your court.

 

Wade really hit the nail on the head.

 

Hang in there and be strong.

 

If you have not been married long, it might be best to call it, but of course it is your choice.

[The_Onceler]

Ugh. I am *so* sorry to read this. I suspect that I have been in a place similar to where you are now. I recall that it sucked.

 

First off: she is almost certainly lying. That goes with the territory. Over the years, my ex lied about such things with a manic commitment to the illusion that we had created about her. She would attempt incredible rationalizations, even in the face of incontrovertible proof.

 

Second: whatever the truth of the matter, you will almost certainly never REALLY know the full story. At every new revelation, you will realize that your partner was capable of things you had previously thought impossible. This will then lead you to wonder about NEW scenarios, that you had previously not entertained. The onion never runs out of layers.

 

Third: you have been sitting on this worry for OVER FIVE YEARS. Dude, that is a long time. That is essentially the entire length of your marriage. I don't mean it as a criticism, but I can only imagine the subtle damage that must have been done to your relationship with your wife. Again, I think I have lived a variation of your story, and in my case, the damage was real, severe, and in the end, fatal.

 

I fear that you have a long, difficult road ahead of you if you intend to salvage your marriage. I would say that MC is an obvious requirement. Does your wife still work with this same person? Is this one man the only person who you have had concerns about, over the course of these intervening years?

 

I mean, look at this objectively: from almost day 1 of your marriage, your wife was forming a bond with another man, and seems to have had some sort of inappropriate relationship with him. At the same time, you have essentially harbored mistrust against your wife for your entire marriage. There seems to be some deeper currents here. Again, I don't mean to be critical of you - I am hardly one to talk. I am just providing on outside perspective. You may want to consider some of these ideas, and maybe explore them in counseling.

 

I wish you the best.

[insatiabledreams]

What she did is unacceptable to be honest she admitted the truth because she was afraid you know everything from a mutual friend.

 

She was worried and I bet her relationship with that guy was more than a kiss. It's a harsh truth accept it.

 

She is lying the one who loves you will always think about you and care for you will never ever cheat you.

 

For me cheating is "You are not at all bothered about the feelings of your partner how would he or she feel"

 

The person who loves you will never try to hide he or she will be transparent.

 

That's all now having a relationship with her or not is entirely your choice my friend. But she cheated on you that's fact and I m talking this from my own experience my girl friend left me and went to my best friend.

It happens in life poeple lie just to defend themselves and they defend because they are caught.

 

Believe me the realization comes only after they are caught and there's no point in that. If you would have not caught her she would have carried on.

 

I don't wana explain much but that's the harsh truth my friend

 

GODBLESS you I hope you have the strength to bear this pain.

[Wade Lamare]

Yeah buddy, she has been sleeping with him for a while. Sorry to tell you.

 

The ball is in your court.

 

Wade really hit the nail on the head.

 

Hang in there and be strong.

 

If you have not been married long, it might be best to call it, but of course it is your choice.

 

I think his big problem is the time lapse between discovering an EA, 2010 ish when he was not long married to his recent discovery that it was, let's face it, a PA as they kissed.

 

If I kiss a woman who isn't my wife it's always a 'mwah mwah' greetings peck on the cheeks. When I KISS my wife I put my hand on the small of her back and pull her in towards me. I then see what develops from there.

[Wade Lamare]

I think his big problem is the time lapse between discovering an EA, 2010 ish when he was not long married to his recent discovery that it was, let's face it, a PA as they kissed.

 

If I kiss a woman who isn't my wife it's always a 'mwah mwah' greetings peck on the cheeks. When I KISS my wife I put my hand on the small of her back and pull her in towards me. I then see what develops from there.

 

Sorry OP. I had to finish early.

 

What I was trying to say is that even if it was 'just a kiss'. (and do you really think two adults who are having an affair would really just kiss?) I highly doubt it was just a 'mwah mwah' type of kiss.

 

When I was younger a kiss from a girl, if it was a passionate kiss, usually led to me gradually seeing where she would let me put my hands.

 

@Completelylost12, I think I shall call you CL12 for short!

 

You have mentioned 2010 and the slightly rocky start to your marriage and you have made passing mention to your recent discovery. We have no information on the quality of your marital relationship.

 

For you to make a decision and for peeps here to give advice, what has she and the marriage been like in the intervening years? I assume that the marriage recovered after its shaky start?

 

If she has been a good wife since and you've been a good husband I'd probably give reconciliation a go, if I had the truth.

 

If the marriage has been pretty awful and you have both been fairly poor spouses I'd lean towards divorce/separation.

[Wade Lamare]

Just a thought CL12, you may want to ask the mods to move this to the infidelity forum if you have hopes of reconciliation. Posting here makes it seem like it's a done deal and you are divorcing.

 

If you look at the infidelity forum, at the top you will see a sticky which is titled 'Things every wayward spouse needs to know'. Have a read of that, there is some useful information there.

 

In there is a piece called Joseph's Letter. When a wayward spouse is hesitant to tell all the truth I think Joseph's Letter can be very good at showing them the betrayed spouses mindset. I'll copy it below for you.

 

Joseph's Letter

 

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened during that time, and everything that happened afterwards.

 

I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he know by now that I love him? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

 

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

 

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is will affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the affair that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of the affair and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives will ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important.

 

Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

 

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe your actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

 

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

Edited October 13, 2016 by Wade Lamare

[mikeylo]

Divorce. She is putting the blame on you ? Get rid of her because she will continue. There's no real remorse either.

[The_Onceler]

Joseph's Letter

 

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion.."

 

Oh. My. God.

 

Sorry to hijack, but how have I not seen this yet?? I hope that this is as much of a help to CL12 as it was, instantaneously, to me. I was absolutely VILIFIED by my ex for wanting to know the extent of her actions, and for "dwelling" on them.

 

Powerful stuff...

[stillafool]

Completelylost12 are you coming back?

[BluesPower]

Wade you know she has been sleeping with the guy. Unless I miss my guess.

 

I am not sure that it is fair to OP to play into his fantasy that it was only a kiss, do you guys? We all now better...

[Wade Lamare]

Wade you know she has been sleeping with the guy. Unless I miss my guess.

 

I am not sure that it is fair to OP to play into his fantasy that it was only a kiss, do you guys? We all now better...

 

Yes, very probably, I am suspicious by nature so I have difficulty believing that two adult peeps in lurve with enough alone time to kiss also didn't involve Mr Wobbly Hides His Helmet at some point in their shenanigans.

 

I don't want to raise false hope in CL12 but if you look at the time line, the affair happened about six years ago and after only 9 months of marriage so there is I suppose a very very faint hope that her marriage vows were enough on her mind to stop her going all the way.

 

This is why I am keen for CL12 to reply with more detail. Do they still work together etc.

[DKT3]

Yeah this is only the first version, you will get more layers in the coming weeks and months. Ask alot of questions then once away write down her answers. Ask those same questions again and compare the answers. Right now your advantage is she doesn't know what you know, so she will be in scramble mode. Second option is polygraph, you can tell her you need her to take one in order for you to move forward. I suspect you will get resistance but you will also get a little more details, not all but enough that she thinks will satisfy you and back you down from having her take it. Stay firm about her taking the test, she will leak information slowly leading into the test. Most often you will get a parking lot confession right before the test. Again it's she attempting to control information.

 

Right now her goal will be to minimize everything and control information.

 

There is an off chance that your wife is being honest, I doubt it because she was able to go this long without telling you. That leads me to two thoughts 1) she may still be involved with this guy or maybe even another guy 2) it will be very difficult to move forward with her, if her affair ended, truly ended back then she would have had time to emotionally put it away and will have forgotten many of the details. This means you will get tons of I don't knows or I can't remember. That will be so frustrating for you and create a great deal of resentment.

 

Sorry your here, it was sux but you will get through this.

[Popsicle]

Do you really want to know the whole truth? The damage is done. All that really matters is if you both want to stay married and that she won't do it again. Plenty of BS's get the whole truth and still stay. Do the sordid details matter? I think it only matters that you want to stay married so you need to focus on making that decision first.

[Popsicle]

And even if you get the whole truth in detail you still won't be able to trust her so it still boils down to do I want to stay with this woman I can't trust? People have their reasons for staying anyway. Do you have kids?

[BluesPower]

Yeah POP, but he cannot make a decision without the truth and we all know that he is not getting it.

 

I for one think that she was sleeping with the guy for a while and may still be.

 

Anyway, you can't really decide if you don't know the whole story, IMHO.

[The_Onceler]

Do you really want to know the whole truth

 

Well, it is one thing to know whether "they only kissed" or "they had sex", and quite another to know the specific of how and what sort of sex they might have had.

 

For instance, my ex referred to one acquaintance, say Jim, as "a friend". Then Jim sent her an email saying that "he still wanted to get naked with her." I did not necessarily need to know WHAT they did while naked, but it was important for me to know that she and I had very different definitions of 'friend'

[road]

My wife and I married in 2010. Shortly, after out marriage (approx. 9mos) she started texting a mutual friend from work. I questioned her about the frequency of the texts and she claimed he was in need of relationship advice. As the weeks progressed, the text seemed to increase. Long story short, after seeing some things I did not like, I told her I didn't want her texting him anymore. After a brief argument she agreed to stop. I told her over and over again that I thought there was more than just a friendship happening. I must have asked her 100s of times if she cheated with him or wanted to, through the years. She always told me NO, and would get defensive. Fast forward to 5 days ago. The constant wondering finally got the best of me. I sat her down and told her that I knew she cheated and was told by another mutual friend. I then told her if she didn't tell me the truth, I would divorce her. She finally admitted that "all we did is kiss, once". Now I am stuck wondering if that is all. And if it was a simple kiss, why did she hide it for almost 7 years. I feel like she only told me because she felt she had no other choice and only told me enough to shut me up. She has spent the last 5 days begging me to stay and treating me like a king. She has repeatedly told me how disgusted and sorry she is. From a woman's perspective...am I getting the whole truth? Is she really sorry? Should I file for divorce? She claims it happened because our marriage didn't start out as planned. We argued alot, we certainly didn't act like newlyweds. Any advice would help me more than you know. Thanks in advance!

 

 

The we just kissed

 

 

When that is said the WW is giving a little bit of truth in the hopes that you will believe her and ask no more questions.

 

 

This is known as Trickle truthing.

 

 

Many BH's must know the whole truth. If you are one of them then you must get the whole truth. Not doing so will haunt you 30 plus years from now.

 

 

Caution: Once a question has been answered it can never be unheard so be sure of what you need to know.

 

 

Tell WW that you are going to schedule a polygraph test. Tell the date. Do not be surprised to get a "parking lot confession". Where the WW the night before, on the ride there, she "confesses" claiming you now know the whole truth so we can skip the polygraph test. Don't because this is another round of trickle truthing.

 

 

Example on D day we just kissed, just before the polygraph we just did oral.

 

 

Does your WW still work with this OM?

[Mr. Lucky]

it will be very difficult to move forward with her, if her affair ended, truly ended back then she would have had time to emotionally put it away and will have forgotten many of the details. This means you will get tons of I don't knows or I can't remember. That will be so frustrating for you and create a great deal of resentment.

 

This is it in a nutshell. Infidelity is tough but the OP is in the toughest of positions.

 

I'd rather have 4K video of my WS entertaining the local Hell's Angels chapter than the uncertainty he's facing, at least the former lets me know what I'm dealing with.

 

Completelylost12, you have a decade or more of emotional turmoil ahead of you. Only you can decide if your relationship is worth that cost...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wade Lamare]

I think this is something he may need to point put to her, for her it was six years ago (or at least we hope so) for him it was 'yesterday'.

[Completelylost12]

Sorry for the delay. To answer some questions...no, they no longer work together. They are both still involved in the medical field so it isn't impossible to think they may come back into contact. Our marriage over the last few years has been a roller coaster. Not to sound cliche, but when it is good it is great...when it isn't it is a nightmare. I am still trying to work through things. I just feel so damn stupid for having this gut feeling that I never acted on. Thank you all so much for your replies, they help a great deal. I will keep everyone posted.

[Starwars77]

I too have been cheated on and just found out a couple days ago that she has been having sex with a former co worker. My wife's of 8 yrs with 2 little kids. It is the worst feeling in to world. I'm sorry to hear it but there is more to it than she told you. My wife denied it for a year when I got my got feeling and started seeing all the signs. Trust your gut.