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I walked out tonight with our kids


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I have been a member on this forum for many years. When I first joined, I was at my wits end regarding my husband being cold, distant, rejecting me for sex while looking at porn every day. Then there were a couple of emotional affairs.

 

We had a quiet period, I thought we'd moved past most of our major issues. He began taking prozac and that seemed to help with a lot of his depression and anger issues.

 

My husband began smoking pot a few years ago. I was never on board, but with the issues with anger and depression - the pot seemed to make him relaxed and happier, so I bit my lip and let it go. I realize now that was a huge mistake.

 

Over the past few years it has become numerous times. I was never comfortable with it, and I eventually addressed this. It also makes my husband lazy, apathetic and he's at the point now where he just sits in our garage every waking moment when he's not at work. He's out there getting high morning till night and ignores everything, including me and our kids.

 

About six months ago he decided he was going to stop taking prozac. I urged against this as whenever he has stopped in the past, he becomes incredibly agitated and irritable. But he said he was done.

 

His agitation has been spiking, even with the constant pot use. He flipped out on our teenage son last week and had him in tears at school. I received a call from the school counselor because our son couldn't function in class.

 

Fast forward to this week, I found out I have pneumonia on Thursday and was in bed for up until today.

 

When he came home from work on Friday, I did something to piss him off. I am still not quite sure what that was. He sulked and refused to talked to me and went to bed. I went up there and tapped on him to ask what was wrong, he began thrashing and punching the bed and told me he "was trying to quit smoking so much" - referring to cigarettes or pot, I am not sure. I believe he meant cigarettes as we both smoke them, but I have not due to being ill and told him I am quitting for good. I never mentioned anything to do with his smoking.

 

I went into the other room and cried. I ended up sleeping in the room. The next day, we didn't speak to each other other than him asking me where I was going when I went to take our youngest son to grab some food. Because he didn't bother to feed him dinner, just made himself something, while I was in bed coughing my lungs out and have not went grocery shopping.

 

Today, on our 14th wedding anniversary, we finally talked. I told him I am very angry with him. I am angry that he does nothing to help himself, that he is self centered. I told him he neglects me, the kids, he leaves me to do everything with the household as well. I told him he can get help, maybe therapy, and quit smoking pot or I am done.

 

He turned it all back onto me. He told me I was a narcissist and said I was downright cruel because I said he's never addressed his childhood issues with his parents and is hiding from his issues with the pot smoking. Apparently, that was below the belt.

 

It got so bad, the shouting and his anger towards me, that I took the kids and left. I am at my parents house right now. Still sick, and feeling like I have been punched in the gut as well. This feels so awful, but I don't see anyway I can go back. He doesn't think he needs to change, he blames me for everything. Even if he does apologize, I am very doubtful he'll agree to stop smoking pot or go to therapy. In the past, he's agreed to cut back and go back on prozac, but we've done this before and I need more.

 

I am sorry for such a long post, hopefully it all makes sense. This feels so awful. My kids and I stopped at a store on the way out to my parents and my youngest son told me he was trying to not cry in the store. It broke my heart. Ugh.

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Do you ever tell him what he does right or do you only just point out his flaws? From reading what you've posted about your "talk" it sounds as though you could both benefit from some marriage counseling.

 

Telling him how he's failing and his response by calling you names is an ineffective way to communicate. Do you both want your marriage to work?

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Do you ever tell him what he does right or do you only just point out his flaws? From reading what you've posted about your "talk" it sounds as though you could both benefit from some marriage counseling.

 

Telling him how he's failing and his response by calling you names is an ineffective way to communicate. Do you both want your marriage to work?

 

To be honest, I probably don't tell him what he does right anymore. I used to, but for a long time, he has been on vacation from life, leaving me to take care of everything. I have a lot of resentment and anger. I truly don't feel like he does much that is right anymore.

 

Agreed the marriage counseling would help, I brought it up and told him I am willing to go and work on things. He didn't agree to it, and in the past has flat out refused.

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Agreed the marriage counseling would help, I brought it up and told him I am willing to go and work on things. He didn't agree to it, and in the past has flat out refused.

 

I'd simply make an appointment and tell him participation is his chance to stay in the marriage.

 

How does he work with so much THC in his system?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Hi Jenn

How long has this relationship been like this,

Are you going to continue living together this way or do you think divorce is the solution?

You can see how it's affecting your children.

 

What's your plan?

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I'd simply make an appointment and tell him participation is his chance to stay in the marriage.

 

How does he work with so much THC in his system?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He doesn't smoke it at work.

 

Typical day M-F, he goes to work in the morning, comes home and smokes it right away, and up until he goes to bed.

 

Weekends - he wakes up smokes it right away, up until he goes to bed.

 

Occasionally, we'll go somewhere in which I always drive because I don't trust him to not be high and we have kids. He's negative most of the time and itching to get back home. When I point this out to him and suggest it's because he wants to go back home to get high, he becomes defensive.

 

I will make an appointment in the morning and give him the choice to attend. No matter which way this goes, it wouldn't hurt to have some individual counseling at the very least.

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Hi Jenn

How long has this relationship been like this,

Are you going to continue living together this way or do you think divorce is the solution?

You can see how it's affecting your children.

 

What's your plan?

 

Our marriage has had numerous issues, the pot smoking being the past few years. I believe he is trying to self medicate with it and he has never wanted to address his depression and emotional issues. He hasn't spoken to anyone in his family in many years. He was cast out of the house at age 16 and hasn't really had a relationship with his family since (he's 41 now) and he has told me before that it eats him up inside. He feels his mother never loved him and rejected him, I know that hurts him and I believe it's the root of all of his issues.

 

I have urged him many, many times over the course of our sixteen year relationship to seek some help. He has never been willing to participate in therapy, he is adamantly against it in fact. I did convince him to get on prozac, and it helps, but it's not a magic pill.

 

I don't have a concrete plan. I am staying with my parents, but honestly, I wish he'd go so I could be at home with the kids so they don't feel uprooted. Since my husband has no family he communicates with and no friends, I don't know where he'd go other than to a hotel which could be quite costly.

 

I would love for my husband to see where I am coming from, agree to attend therapy with or without me, and to find healthy outlets to deal with his depression and anger. But I won't continue on in the marriage where he has checked out, leaves me to take care of everything, not to mention the feelings of loneliness because he's always checked out.

 

I have felt like a single parent for some time now. I know I can do it on my own if I need to, but if there's a way this could work, I would prefer that, especially for my kids. But I will no longer tolerate what he's doing. It's illegal, it's expensive and he does not care about anyone or anything while he's high.

 

So, if he doesn't change, divorce is the only solution.

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Hi Jennifer, it is so sad to read your story. I do not know how old the two of you are or how long you have been married but your husband still seems to be a kid. How many children do you have? When you two got married what was your husband like? Did he display any early signs of his current behaviour? What drew you two together especially , what drew you to him when he was younger? I am asking because if he showed flashes of something good inside then this union may be salvageable. If not and it was more a case of infatuation between you two then you have a problem. One can aspire to get back to a good place if it ever existed. If it was never there then it would take a miracle to get to a good place.

 

Lowrider has a good point. You must start making a plan going forward, with your husband not in it. It is obvious that he needs a lot of therapy just to get back to normal. What were his issues with his parents? Did he have a very troubled childhood? Guess if it was so then he is going to need a lot of therapy for various issues. It is apparent that not everyone is cut out for a responsible adult marriage and marriage is a two horse carriage. One partner cannot shoulder the entire load of running a home and a family while the other partner behaves like another teenage kid.

 

One thing I would like to emphasize and that is that you must give up smoking and any other addictions you may have. If you drink then give it up totally. If you want to prepare for life as a single parent, which seems apparent in the present situation then addictions of any kind are out the window. Not only for the dependency aspect but also from the point of view of maintaining your health. I guess you have a lot on your plate going forward as it seems you are going to have to play the role of Father and Mother by yourself. Do you have a job or are you a Stay at Home Mom? What about qualifications? Would it be relatively easy for you to get a job or is it going to be difficult? I know that in the current situation, jobs are going to be difficult to get and all the more if you have been off the job market for a while. Age also plays a big part. I think more than anything else, it is time for you to introspect deeply on your situation and come up with success strategies to be able to move forward with your life. Remember, when one door closes the Almighty opens another, you only have to know where it is. Wish you all the very best going forward. Cheers!

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dreamingoftigers
To be honest, I probably don't tell him what he does right anymore. I used to, but for a long time, he has been on vacation from life, leaving me to take care of everything. I have a lot of resentment and anger. I truly don't feel like he does much that is right anymore.

 

Agreed the marriage counseling would help, I brought it up and told him I am willing to go and work on things. He didn't agree to it, and in the past has flat out refused.

 

Your story sounds so much like mine.

 

My husband has abdicated responsibility for SO MUCH. And he just sits around watching TV and not wanting to do much.

 

We've been through 3 different Addictions of his.

 

The only difference is that he will go to counseling. Until he doesn't. (He will just stop showing up). And when he does go, he just uses it as a delay tactic and keeps avoiding things. If he gets questioned about the avoidance, he stops going. He has also walked out of 3-4 sessions (off if the top of my head). So him going to counseling isnt a magic bullet either.

 

My husband is 38. We have two children together.

 

I get some results when I 180. That's about it.

 

So I started making solid moves to leave and he just doesn't get it. "We were so happy together." Um, I WASN'T. If I really need someone to sit there watching Netflix all day, refusing sex and affection, only lifting a finger every now and then, . . . . . . I'll place an ad on kijiji.

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dreamingoftigers
Our marriage has had numerous issues, the pot smoking being the past few years. I believe he is trying to self medicate with it and he has never wanted to address his depression and emotional issues. He hasn't spoken to anyone in his family in many years. He was cast out of the house at age 16 and hasn't really had a relationship with his family since (he's 41 now) and he has told me before that it eats him up inside. He feels his mother never loved him and rejected him, I know that hurts him and I believe it's the root of all of his issues.

 

I totally hear you! My husband ended up on the street after being placed back in foster care at 14. A big part of why I married him is he seemed so well-adjusted about his mother. But it turned out he had the Mother of all Mother-issues. Ugh. It's so nasty. I feel like I am somehow pushed mildly and otherwise by him to kind of replace Mommy. And it grosses me out so badly. Like he just wants me to do Mom stuff and take care of everything while he plays or just does whatever strikes his fancy.

 

I have urged him many, many times over the course of our sixteen year relationship to seek some help. He has never been willing to participate in therapy, he is adamantly against it in fact. I did convince him to get on prozac, and it helps, but it's not a magic pill.

 

I don't have a concrete plan. I am staying with my parents, but honestly, I wish he'd go so I could be at home with the kids so they don't feel uprooted. Since my husband has no family he communicates with and no friends, I don't know where he'd go other than to a hotel which could be quite costly.

 

Same with my husband. No family, no friends. Sometimes he blames me for having no friends. It's really weird. You don't make friends by sitting and watching Netflix and CNN all day. Anderson Cooper doesn't make house calls!

 

I would love for my husband to see where I am coming from, agree to attend therapy with or without me, and to find healthy outlets to deal with his depression and anger. But I won't continue on in the marriage where he has checked out, leaves me to take care of everything, not to mention the feelings of loneliness because he's always checked out.

 

I have felt like a single parent for some time now. I know I can do it on my own if I need to, but if there's a way this could work, I would prefer that, especially for my kids. But I will no longer tolerate what he's doing. It's illegal, it's expensive and he does not care about anyone or anything while he's high.

 

So, if he doesn't change, divorce is the only solution.

 

I am so sorry Jennifer. It IS so lonely. We signed up for a partner. Not a petulant child!

 

I have already had lots of practice single-parenting and being alone, all because of this marriage. It is SO LONELY. He can be physically present, bit he's not really THERE.

 

If you've been down the list of everything reasonable you can do, I don't see any other option either. It just can't last very well.

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How many children do you have? When you two got married what was your husband like? Did he display any early signs of his current behaviour? What drew you two together especially , what drew you to him when he was younger? I am asking because if he showed flashes of something good inside then this union may be salvageable. If not and it was more a case of infatuation between you two then you have a problem. One can aspire to get back to a good place if it ever existed. If it was never there then it would take a miracle to get to a good place.

 

What were his issues with his parents? Did he have a very troubled childhood? Guess if it was so then he is going to need a lot of therapy for various issues. It is apparent that not everyone is cut out for a responsible adult marriage and marriage is a two horse carriage. One partner cannot shoulder the entire load of running a home and a family while the other partner behaves like another teenage kid.

 

Do you have a job or are you a Stay at Home Mom? What about qualifications? Would it be relatively easy for you to get a job or is it going to be difficult? I know that in the current situation, jobs are going to be difficult to get and all the more if you have been off the job market for a while. Age also plays a big part. I think more than anything else, it is time for you to introspect deeply on your situation and come up with success strategies to be able to move forward with your life. Remember, when one door closes the Almighty opens another, you only have to know where it is. Wish you all the very best going forward. Cheers!

 

Thank you for the advice.

 

To answer your questions:

 

We have two boys, age 13 and 8.

 

When my husband and I were dating, things were great in the beginning but in retrospect there were many red flags. He has had an issue with controlling his anger since we met. He's not violent and has never been physical with me, the kids or anyone else. He is incredibly rude to people when he's in a mood, at home he'll shout, swear or occasionally pound on something or slam doors, etc.

 

When we were dating I saw this in him, but he wasn't that way with me. He actually told me at one point I make him a better person and that he feels so happy with me.

 

I was nineteen when we began dating. We met online by chance, neither of us looking to meet someone. I ended up moving out of state to be with him and eventually we moved to my home state, got married, had kids. I am 36 now and he's 41.

 

I was initially attracted to the words of someone on a computer screen. He was intelligent, funny, we both share sort of a sarcastic/dark sense of humor. We both come from broken/dysfunctional homes (big surprise) and we talked about that early on. He has told me more about his home life than anyone else - he really hates talking about his past, his feelings, etc. He has a lot of shame about what has happened and blames himself and thinks there is something deeply flawed within him to be rejected by his mother.

 

He can be a really great guy. It's so cliche, because I have seen so many women post those very words. But if they were always awful, it'd be easier to leave I suppose. He can be a good father and a good husband. I know that he loves me very much. I know he feels closer to me than anyone else. Really, the kids and I are all he has. We are best friends, and when he's actually in a decent mood, I love spending time with him. But honestly, that happens so rarely these days as he's either high and reclusive or he's not high and pissy.

 

He grew up in a very strict religious household. I have never met his mother and know no one in his family, so the only point of view I have on this is my husband's. His mother from what I can tell is a cold person, I believe she has some sort of mental illness or personality disorder, or both. She treated him like an adult at an early age, she used him for emotional support when he was quite young and she was single. She left his father by the time my husband was one-year-old and he never met his biological dad who is now deceased. She remarried when my husband was a bit older, I want to say between the age of 8-10 but I can't recall exactly what age he was. His whole life up until then had been his mother and him, when she met her now husband, she wanted him to conform to what her new husband and their mormon family wanted. My husband never felt religious, and like most kids with a new step parent that comes in and tries to change everything - he rebelled a bit. Nothing out of the norm, nothing compared to my youth. Anyway, there were years of fights with his mother and step father. They used to lock him in the basement at night so he wouldn't sneak food. His mother once found a dirty magazine under his bed and brought it out in front of the entire family to berate him. When he was a teenager she had him committed for six months and accused him of inappropriately touching his little brothers and sisters - even though the children all denied it. After he was released she sent him to Job Corps and then to live in another state with his step grandmother. He ended up joining the Navy and has never been back home. He's tried a couple of times over the years to email with her, he's looking for some sort of apology or something - but she's never given it to him. That's just the tip of the iceberg, but it's a very bad situation and he has never moved past it. He has told me before he doesn't truly believe anyone can love him, not even me, no matter how many times I have told him that I do.

 

My childhood was also quite dysfunctional, though I never felt unloved. Both my biological father and step-father are bipolar. My biological father was an alcoholic and never really helped raise my sister or I. My mother had my sister at age sixteen and me at age 18, two different fathers, though my father raised her as his own and we didn't find out we were half sisters until I was about 12 years old.

 

My biological father tried to kill my mother when she tried to leave him. He ended up being institutionalized for ten years. I have no relationship with him.

 

My step father though my sister and I needed discipline and boundaries. He was going to whip us into shape and undo all of the years of no discipline and order in our lives. We hated him. We both rebelled. I went from being a shy, sweet girl on the honor roll to a middle school student who drank, smoked, skipped school, got into fights, shoplifted, you name it, I probably did it.

 

I have spent many years trying to improve myself. I am not perfect, I still have flaws. I have gone to therapy, I meditate, I talk to people, sometimes online because the problems can get so personal I don't want to drag family members into this. I feel like for the most part, I have moved beyond my childhood. I realize my parents had tough childhoods too, they came from dysfunction and repeated the pattern. They loved me, they were young and made mistakes. When I say my parents, I mean my step-father and mother because my biological father continues to be drunk and unmedicated for his bipolar and I won't subject myself or kids to that.

 

I don't feel like a victim. I feel like what happened to me, to my parents, to my siblings - it all sucks. But as an adult, I have the ability to have the life I want to have.

 

As far as employment goes, I do work full time. I earn about double what my husband takes home and would be fine without his income. In a divorce I wouldn't need child support, and so long as he wasn't smoking pot, would be fine sharing custody with him. He spends $800 a month on pot and cigarettes, another few hundred on his lunches and coffees at work, and then there's fuel, clothes, food, his student loan debt, so on and so on. I think I might even come out financially ahead without him.

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I hate how pot gets blamed for these things...he would be acting the same regardless if he smoked up or not...the pot probably makes him a lot calmer than he would be actually.

 

Pot doesn't make people lazy, lack of drive makes people lazy. Him going off his meds probably had the biggest effect.

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I totally hear you! My husband ended up on the street after being placed back in foster care at 14. A big part of why I married him is he seemed so well-adjusted about his mother. But it turned out he had the Mother of all Mother-issues. Ugh. It's so nasty. I feel like I am somehow pushed mildly and otherwise by him to kind of replace Mommy. And it grosses me out so badly. Like he just wants me to do Mom stuff and take care of everything while he plays or just does whatever strikes his fancy.

 

Same with my husband. No family, no friends. Sometimes he blames me for having no friends. It's really weird. You don't make friends by sitting and watching Netflix and CNN all day. Anderson Cooper doesn't make house calls!

 

I am so sorry Jennifer. It IS so lonely. We signed up for a partner. Not a petulant child!

 

I have already had lots of practice single-parenting and being alone, all because of this marriage. It is SO LONELY. He can be physically present, bit he's not really THERE.

 

If you've been down the list of everything reasonable you can do, I don't see any other option either. It just can't last very well.

 

I feel like we're married to the same mad. It is very lonely.

 

I looked up some marriage counseling centers, but haven't made that call yet. Something is holding me back and I think because I know when I send him a text with the appointment I will be met with spite, or more coldness and no response at all. I don't want more rejection and I don't want more anger.

 

Part of me feels he should make some damn effort for once and make an appointment. I feel like I am always the one doing the fighting, getting help, trying to fix things. I want to know he actually cares and is willing to fight too, but I don't think he'll call or try to do anything. I honestly think he's at home right now thinking about how i acted.

 

I am on steroids and let my emotions get the best of me. I told him he disgusted me and that I have no respect for him. I know that was overly harsh, but it was honest. It's his behaviors that disgust me, not him. I went back and corrected myself on this and told him I don't like what he's doing, but that I think he's a good person - but it was too late. He's latched onto that and is not letting go.

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I hate how pot gets blamed for these things...he would be acting the same regardless if he smoked up or not...the pot probably makes him a lot calmer than he would be actually.

 

Pot doesn't make people lazy, lack of drive makes people lazy. Him going off his meds probably had the biggest effect.

 

I'd rather not turn this into a debate about pot.

 

I have known my husband sixteen years and he was never like this before he began smoking pot. He used to be organized, tidy, and at one point a full time student and full time worker. He used to put in effort.

 

Since he began smoking pot, he is apathetic, lazy and does not care about anything other than getting high and being in his own bubble. This was while on prozac for years too.

 

The pot definitely has an impact. The pot is him trying to self medicate, and there is a bigger issue at hand but the pot is an issue as well.

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Tonight is my second night sleeping in my parents guest room.

 

I have made no solid plans. My mind has been racing. I can go from calm and planning my future without him, to practically having a panic attack and scared of all of the unknowns.

 

I booked a counseling appointment, the soonest appointment was next week. I have yet to tell him. He has not tried to contact me and I have not contacted him.

 

There is something inside of me that is so angry, it's almost a rage and feeling of hate towards him. I feel like I can't talk to him, or everything I am trying to hold together will fall apart. I need to be here for my kids, they're scared and don't know what's going on. I can't fall apart.

 

This past Thursday I was in the emergency room, unable to breath due to pneumonia and the very next day he picked a fight with me. This entire thing started by me asking him if something was wrong, and according to him, I should have known something was wrong and that he obviously wanted to be left alone. :rolleyes:

 

He left me all weekend to take care of the kids, the house, getting ready for Monday. He never asked me if I was okay. He never asked me if I needed anything as I could barely get out of bed without needing an inhaler and feeling lightheaded. He sat and sulked and felt sorry for himself. For what reason - I still do not know because he never answered the "is something wrong" question that began this latest battle between us.

 

The whole thing, just disgusts me to the core. How can someone be so self centered? I can't even imagine my husband being in the ER, having to be brought in because he almost passed out and needed oxygen and nebulizer treatments and was sent him with inhalers, steroids, antibiotics, etc. I can't imagine picking a fight with him when he barely could get himself out of bed. I can't imagine leaving the kids with no dinner, not touching anything in the house. I woke up Sunday morning to two bags of garbage piled by the trash can indoors, a sink completely full of dishes, laundry piled up, no groceries, items thrown about all over the house, the kids not being taken care of. How can you live that way? It really highlighted for me how much I do every single day to keep it all together in the house, on my own.

 

Sorry, I am venting. I can't sleep.

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Hi Jennifer, I think that yours is indeed a very difficult situation and I must compliment you for holding up so well. I think you have the right attitude about not feeling like a victim and being able to achieve what you want in life. As I have said in another post sometimes we are given a burden to bear in this life to learn some spiritual lesson and, as in any test of ourselves, when we come out at the end, we find that we are stronger and more confident of our selves when having to face further problems in life. Firstly, I would like to thank you for having taken the trouble to answer the questions that I had raised. The most important thing that you answered was that there is something good within your husband and that bodes well for the future as one can always aspire to get back to a good place if it was already there.

 

After having read what you had to say about your husband's current addiction and the effect it has had on him, I would say that you did the right thing to leave and come away to your parents place. It is a good thing that your parents have a place where you can stay and also that they are supportive of you and your children at this time. It is also good to know that you are employed full time and have an income which is more than your husband's so that you can support yourself and your children without having to depend on him. I think this separation will be refreshing and regenerative for you and of course very healthy for your children. I am sure you do not want to live with your parents for very long so you will have to see whether you can afford an apartment on your own so that you do not have to go back to the toxic atmosphere at home. This separation will be, in my opinion, very good for your husband from the point of view of making him realize how much he needed you and the children and it might put the fear of the Devil in him that he could possibly lose you, his family forever. You said that he only has you and the children as a family since he has nothing to do with his parents or any one else from his side. This will hit him hard and may become the catalyst to help him shrug off his dependence on Pot and other addictions and learn to become healthy again. What I can make out is that he is an escapist and all this business of using Pot and smoking cigarettes is just a way of his enabling his escapism. The big difference between you and him is that even though both of you faced similar problems growing up you have come to terms with your circumstances but he has not. I agree that there may have been a difference of degrees in the level of trauma that you and he faced, but he has not been able to cope with it. One thing you will have to keep in mind and that is that you must not be in a hurry to go back home to stay with him. If he is to heal from his addictions and shed his bad habits, he will have to face some severe consequences which will incentivise him to shed this big problem that is hanging round his neck like an albatross.

 

I do not know what you feel about your marriage as to whether it still has life and hope or whether it is time to call it quits. You are the person in the driver's seat and only you can take a call on that. However, as I said before there is a sliver of hope here because your husband has demonstrated that beneath this ugly external persona of his resides a good hearted soul. You will have to take a call on that at some point of time.

 

Now that you are separated from him and can think in a more relaxed way, I would urge you to start planning on how to move forward from here on, keeping your own and your childrens' best interests at heart. As I had said in my previous post , you have a lot on your plate and you will have to see how you can manage things. You mentioned marriage counselling but I would think it may be better for you to undertake individual counselling first so that you can resolve the demons within you. If your husband is not ready for marriage counselling it would be a waste of time. Lastly I would urge you to look after your health as you can ill afford to fall sick. If you are still smoking then give it up as soon as possible. I know how difficult that can be because I gave up a smoking habit after twenty years. Guess I cannot think of anything else at the moment. Warm wishes to you.

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Hi Jennifer, I think that yours is indeed a very difficult situation and I must compliment you for holding up so well. I think you have the right attitude about not feeling like a victim and being able to achieve what you want in life. As I have said in another post sometimes we are given a burden to bear in this life to learn some spiritual lesson and, as in any test of ourselves, when we come out at the end, we find that we are stronger and more confident of our selves when having to face further problems in life. Firstly, I would like to thank you for having taken the trouble to answer the questions that I had raised. The most important thing that you answered was that there is something good within your husband and that bodes well for the future as one can always aspire to get back to a good place if it was already there.

 

After having read what you had to say about your husband's current addiction and the effect it has had on him, I would say that you did the right thing to leave and come away to your parents place. It is a good thing that your parents have a place where you can stay and also that they are supportive of you and your children at this time. It is also good to know that you are employed full time and have an income which is more than your husband's so that you can support yourself and your children without having to depend on him. I think this separation will be refreshing and regenerative for you and of course very healthy for your children. I am sure you do not want to live with your parents for very long so you will have to see whether you can afford an apartment on your own so that you do not have to go back to the toxic atmosphere at home. This separation will be, in my opinion, very good for your husband from the point of view of making him realize how much he needed you and the children and it might put the fear of the Devil in him that he could possibly lose you, his family forever. You said that he only has you and the children as a family since he has nothing to do with his parents or any one else from his side. This will hit him hard and may become the catalyst to help him shrug off his dependence on Pot and other addictions and learn to become healthy again. What I can make out is that he is an escapist and all this business of using Pot and smoking cigarettes is just a way of his enabling his escapism. The big difference between you and him is that even though both of you faced similar problems growing up you have come to terms with your circumstances but he has not. I agree that there may have been a difference of degrees in the level of trauma that you and he faced, but he has not been able to cope with it. One thing you will have to keep in mind and that is that you must not be in a hurry to go back home to stay with him. If he is to heal from his addictions and shed his bad habits, he will have to face some severe consequences which will incentivise him to shed this big problem that is hanging round his neck like an albatross.

 

I do not know what you feel about your marriage as to whether it still has life and hope or whether it is time to call it quits. You are the person in the driver's seat and only you can take a call on that. However, as I said before there is a sliver of hope here because your husband has demonstrated that beneath this ugly external persona of his resides a good hearted soul. You will have to take a call on that at some point of time.

 

Now that you are separated from him and can think in a more relaxed way, I would urge you to start planning on how to move forward from here on, keeping your own and your childrens' best interests at heart. As I had said in my previous post , you have a lot on your plate and you will have to see how you can manage things. You mentioned marriage counselling but I would think it may be better for you to undertake individual counselling first so that you can resolve the demons within you. If your husband is not ready for marriage counselling it would be a waste of time. Lastly I would urge you to look after your health as you can ill afford to fall sick. If you are still smoking then give it up as soon as possible. I know how difficult that can be because I gave up a smoking habit after twenty years. Guess I cannot think of anything else at the moment. Warm wishes to you.

 

Thank you very much for the reply.

 

I received a text message from my husband this morning that said "I began packing my things last night. It would probably be best if I found a place to rent before leaving the house, but that could take a week or so. If you need me out sooner than that, I understand. I don't know how you want to handle the legal issue, but I will look into what needs to be done today and try to make arrangements. You have clean laundry here, and if you want to drop by I will make sure I'm not around so you can drop by."

 

I responded with a quick "I am planning on coming home tonight or tomorrow night, depending on how I feel."

 

His next and last response to that was "I should be out of the way by 4pm."

 

A big part of why I went to stay with my parents is due to being ill. I just could not properly take care of the kids and with the week starting and them going to school, me going back to work, and still feeling utterly exhausted, I really needed help. Also, I could not take the stress of fighting with him. I just didn't have the energy to do it.

 

Our last conversation ended when he began telling me that I was narcissistic, and overall just painting a really ugly picture of me. I felt he was doing this to deflect all of the issues I had brought up and to try to make me feel as bad as he does. I didn't think it was fair. I stopped him, told him I was done with the conversation, said that I know I am a good person, a good mother, a good wife and that I often go out of my way to help others. His reply to that was that I only help others to make myself feel good.

 

I just started packing. I knew the entire conversation was in a downward spiral, our kids could hear everything, and I just could not do it. Literally, I physically could not do it.

 

I don't know if I am going back home tonight. The past two nights staying with my parents I can't sleep. It's too loud, it's not my bed, I am missing many of my things. I miss my dogs.

 

It sounds like he's planning to be out of the house today.

 

I'm not sure what I make of his text messages. There's a part of me that feels like he's looking for me to beg him to not go, but I don't know. I feel almost as if he's bluffing. But he could mean it too.

 

If he sent me a message that said something like, "Hey, I am sorry that things went the way they did. I think you're right about the pot smoking and that I am withdrawn and could use some help to get to the root of why I am self medicating and checking out one everything. It hurt hearing all of those things, I lashed out because of that. I want our marriage to work, I am willing to go see a therapist"

 

Something like that is all it would take, and I would go with him, try to help him, try to make things worse. But instead, he's going to find a place and a lawyer.

 

I'm not sure if I should even respond back with anything? I don't want to play games.

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I'd let him go. Right at this moment, you need some peace and quiet to get over your illness and to give your children the chance to settle down.

 

My childhood was much the same as his. Neither of my parents actually wanted children and only ended up with 3 because of my mother's religious beliefs. So I know about feeling unloved and unwanted. It's very hard to describe to others with 'normal' family backgrounds...but it's not an excuse for the way your husband is behaving.

 

I'm also bipolar. I live with the constant threat that I will be 'sectioned' (for non UK residents that means I will be involuntary admitted to a psychiatric hospital) if I don't take my medication. Some of the side effects are pretty awful, but I really don't have much of a choice. Your husband is being very self centred by giving up the Prozac. The pot smoking I would not put up with either. If he wants to act like some teenager he can go do that on his own.

 

Regarding a response to his last text message, the only one I would send would be 'good, the children need to be back in their own home with some peace and quiet'. That would be it.

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I'd let him go. Right at this moment, you need some peace and quiet to get over your illness and to give your children the chance to settle down.

 

My childhood was much the same as his. Neither of my parents actually wanted children and only ended up with 3 because of my mother's religious beliefs. So I know about feeling unloved and unwanted. It's very hard to describe to others with 'normal' family backgrounds...but it's not an excuse for the way your husband is behaving.

 

I'm also bipolar. I live with the constant threat that I will be 'sectioned' (for non UK residents that means I will be involuntary admitted to a psychiatric hospital) if I don't take my medication. Some of the side effects are pretty awful, but I really don't have much of a choice. Your husband is being very self centred by giving up the Prozac. The pot smoking I would not put up with either. If he wants to act like some teenager he can go do that on his own.

 

Regarding a response to his last text message, the only one I would send would be 'good, the children need to be back in their own home with some peace and quiet'. That would be it.

 

Thank you for your reply, and I completely agree with you.

 

My stepfather takes lithium and I believe one other mood stabilizing medication for his bipolar disorder. It makes a world of difference but I know he too hates the side effects. :(

 

My biological father also hates the side effects, refused them most of his life, ended up doing something that cost him ten years of his freedom and now is sitting by himself, isolated and drunk most of the time in a trailer park in some rural town. It's quite sad.

 

I choose to have a relationship with my step father as an adult because although he screwed up in many, many ways. He thought he was doing the right thing, he'd never had kids prior and was clueless, he had untreated mental illness. I can forgive him because he's taken steps to make himself better, chooses to take that medication despite hating it. It shows he cares about those around him and himself. Whereas my father, and now my husband are choosing paths that are destructive, refuse to seek help for issues they both know they have and instead use substances to self medicate.

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On the subject of bipolar disorder, for years I have suspected my husband has this. He's different from my father and step-father, but some things are very similar. Both my fathers have type I, I believe my husband would be in the less severe category at type II.

 

He has refused to go see a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. How he ended up on Prozac is he went to his G.P. at the Clinic and said he felt irritable and slightly depressed. Told the Dr. he'd been on them before as a teen and asked if he could get a prescription. The Dr. gave it to him and diagnosed him with dysthymia and wrote the prescription.

 

Dysthymia could be accurate, but I feel like he would have been better served speaking to a mental health professional and having a more thorough evaluation. I feel like he does have the symptoms of dysthymia, but also that he's at times very explosive and goes through cycles of being normal-ish to very depressed.

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With out a doubt, let him go. I he is able to "Really' get himself together later then fine. At that point you can think about it.

 

But for now, you cannot continue with him in his current state.

 

This big fight has been brewing and you kind of need to let IT, the confrontation, do its work. He needs to leave and get himself straight.

 

If he cannot get it together you have to divorce him. I tried to be super dad and take care of a wife, addict for 20 years, raise 3 kids basically alone, and be the sole breadwinner. I can tell you that it is no way to live your life. You are married, doing everything, and you are still alone.

 

It is not worth it.

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I am so conflicted. Part of me wants to get it all out and send him and email and part of me wants to not talk at all. But, I am not sure if I am just being stubborn and wanting him to make the first move because I think he's wrong or if it's actually the right thing? I've been accused of being stubborn and not speaking to people until I have an apology and as an adult I have tried to just let go of that and move towards resolution if possible.

 

I typed out a long email. Very long. I apologize in advance for how long it is. I haven't sent it, but I'm contemplating sending it. Thoughts?

 

Where to start. The first thing that pops to mind is a question for you. Do you want a divorce? I don't think most people really want a divorce, so I guess I should ask, is divorce the only option you see available?

 

For me, I see two possible paths. The first path, and the one I would choose if it were entirely up to me is that you and I go to marriage counseling. That we figure out a way to work through our issues. There are issues, they are impacting our relationship and our children. I won't continue to ignore it anymore. I have been ignoring things for years, and it's building up and festering inside of me.

 

The second option is a divorce. I can't continue to live the way we have been living. I feel like you're checked out from our relationship, from our children and from most things. I am lonely, I am exhausted and I can't continue this lifestyle anymore and I refuse to do it on my own while calling myself a married woman. Marriage is between two people, we're supposed to be a team, it's not supposed to be one person carrying most of the weight most of the time.

 

I think that you think the other day I was being vindictive, but I wasn't. I am not on steroids any longer, feel pretty calm, but the issues, the anger, the resentment still are here. I did not say what I said to strike you verbally or to inflict any sort of pain onto you. I am in pain, I broke and spilled it all out. I am sure the steroids, feeling like crap and being exhausted as well as your reaction to my asking what was wrong aided in my exploding, but I feel it was inevitable because all of those feelings that came out were real. They were just being ignored and pushed down because I didn't want to fight with you, or divorce you. I just wanted things to eventually get better, I have come to you on numerous occasions and brought up things that bother me. But it seems when I do so politely, you ignore me.

 

We've made agreements in the past, but I feel like you break them.

 

When I bring up issues, I feel like you turn them around onto me. Somehow it becomes my fault, or I have other motives. I feel like I can't voice my frustration because it'll be met with deflections. I have felt stonewalled by your for years.

 

Of course I don't want to break up our family. Our kids are having a really difficult time and this is nothing compared to what actual divorce will be like. And the really hard part is that I still love you and I still hold onto hope that things could be better.

 

You said the other day that I have been ignoring you for the past five years. The past five years you have been checked out. We are now both checked out of the marriage. Why don't I want sex? Because I don't feel all that close to you. It feels more like we're roommates than a married couple. Why am I not as affectionate? Because I have years of built up resentments. It all boils back to a few things for me: you ignore me, you leave me to manage everything, and you are irritable quite often when you're pulled away from the garage/our home. I feel exhausted and burnt out because I feel like everything is put on my shoulders.

 

I have come to you and asked for help. I have asked you to cut back on smoking pot. I have asked you to join me in doing more things. I have been waiting and feeling disappointed. I don't want to have to ask for your help. I don't feel like it's fair. Sure, there are times you won't know I need help and I should come to you but on a day to day basis, with just general household and child raising duties - I feel like it's not fair to expect me to do most of what needs to be done and you'll just assist when asked.

 

I want you to live life. I want us to live life. We're not, at least not in my opinion.

 

I feel like I ended up marrying my ex. I left him because he was unmotivated, wanted to sit around, play video games, smoke pot day and night. Then I met you, and you were smart and ambitious and funny and charismatic and had plans. You were far more organized than I was. When I told you about my ex who smoked pot all of the time, you thought he sounded like a loser. You were the opposite, yet somehow here I am sixteen years later and it feels like I am back with him except now with kids, a mortgage, a more difficult job and far more responsibility that I feel is all dumped in my lap.

 

This is how I feel. These thoughts have ran past my mind now many times, for years. I don't say them outloud because I don't want to hurt you. But what good did that do? Here we are. Both hurting. Possibly about to hurt our kids even more. So I am letting it all out, and being honest about how I feel and why I feel that way.

 

You can take it, leave it, stay and work with me or go and find your happiness elsewhere.

 

I don't need a million apologies. I don't need to relive every mistake we have both made. I just need you to commit to helping me in this marriage, and helping yourself to stop hiding from your pain and go to therapy, maybe try a different medication besides prozac. Go to an actual therapist instead of a GP to discuss meds and these things.

 

If you're not interested, I won't push you. I realize that if you do this just for me, you'll resent me. We'll end up right back here at some other point in time.

 

Those are my thoughts.

 

If you want to move out, seek a lawyer and proceed with a divorce, please let me know. I don't think we have to have an ugly divorce. I do not plan to try to withhold your children, screw you financially or do anything spiteful.

 

I have thought on this for days now. I left the house because I could not take the arguing. I physically could not with how ill I felt. I felt so out of breath and sick and I just had to get out of there. I was already wiped out to the point that the mental part of fighting and arguing became too much for me. I was having difficulty even forming thoughts and I was too angry and you were too angry. Nothing was going to be resolved in that conversation.

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts. If you have any you can send them my way. I have cooled off and feel better and am willing to talk.

 

Jennifer

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I am so conflicted. Part of me wants to get it all out and send him and email and part of me wants to not talk at all. But, I am not sure if I am just being stubborn and wanting him to make the first move because I think he's wrong or if it's actually the right thing? I've been accused of being stubborn and not speaking to people until I have an apology and as an adult I have tried to just let go of that and move towards resolution if possible.

 

I typed out a long email. Very long. I apologize in advance for how long it is. I haven't sent it, but I'm contemplating sending it. Thoughts?

 

Where to start. The first thing that pops to mind is a question for you. Do you want a divorce? I don't think most people really want a divorce, so I guess I should ask, is divorce the only option you see available?

 

For me, I see two possible paths. The first path, and the one I would choose if it were entirely up to me is that you and I go to marriage counseling. That we figure out a way to work through our issues. There are issues, they are impacting our relationship and our children. I won't continue to ignore it anymore. I have been ignoring things for years, and it's building up and festering inside of me.

 

The second option is a divorce. I can't continue to live the way we have been living. I feel like you're checked out from our relationship, from our children and from most things. I am lonely, I am exhausted and I can't continue this lifestyle anymore and I refuse to do it on my own while calling myself a married woman. Marriage is between two people, we're supposed to be a team, it's not supposed to be one person carrying most of the weight most of the time.

 

I think that you think the other day I was being vindictive, but I wasn't. I am not on steroids any longer, feel pretty calm, but the issues, the anger, the resentment still are here. I did not say what I said to strike you verbally or to inflict any sort of pain onto you. I am in pain, I broke and spilled it all out. I am sure the steroids, feeling like crap and being exhausted as well as your reaction to my asking what was wrong aided in my exploding, but I feel it was inevitable because all of those feelings that came out were real. They were just being ignored and pushed down because I didn't want to fight with you, or divorce you. I just wanted things to eventually get better, I have come to you on numerous occasions and brought up things that bother me. But it seems when I do so politely, you ignore me.

 

We've made agreements in the past, but I feel like you break them.

 

When I bring up issues, I feel like you turn them around onto me. Somehow it becomes my fault, or I have other motives. I feel like I can't voice my frustration because it'll be met with deflections. I have felt stonewalled by your for years.

 

Of course I don't want to break up our family. Our kids are having a really difficult time and this is nothing compared to what actual divorce will be like. And the really hard part is that I still love you and I still hold onto hope that things could be better.

 

You said the other day that I have been ignoring you for the past five years. The past five years you have been checked out. We are now both checked out of the marriage. Why don't I want sex? Because I don't feel all that close to you. It feels more like we're roommates than a married couple. Why am I not as affectionate? Because I have years of built up resentments. It all boils back to a few things for me: you ignore me, you leave me to manage everything, and you are irritable quite often when you're pulled away from the garage/our home. I feel exhausted and burnt out because I feel like everything is put on my shoulders.

 

I have come to you and asked for help. I have asked you to cut back on smoking pot. I have asked you to join me in doing more things. I have been waiting and feeling disappointed. I don't want to have to ask for your help. I don't feel like it's fair. Sure, there are times you won't know I need help and I should come to you but on a day to day basis, with just general household and child raising duties - I feel like it's not fair to expect me to do most of what needs to be done and you'll just assist when asked.

 

I want you to live life. I want us to live life. We're not, at least not in my opinion.

 

I feel like I ended up marrying my ex. I left him because he was unmotivated, wanted to sit around, play video games, smoke pot day and night. Then I met you, and you were smart and ambitious and funny and charismatic and had plans. You were far more organized than I was. When I told you about my ex who smoked pot all of the time, you thought he sounded like a loser. You were the opposite, yet somehow here I am sixteen years later and it feels like I am back with him except now with kids, a mortgage, a more difficult job and far more responsibility that I feel is all dumped in my lap.

 

This is how I feel. These thoughts have ran past my mind now many times, for years. I don't say them outloud because I don't want to hurt you. But what good did that do? Here we are. Both hurting. Possibly about to hurt our kids even more. So I am letting it all out, and being honest about how I feel and why I feel that way.

 

You can take it, leave it, stay and work with me or go and find your happiness elsewhere.

 

I don't need a million apologies. I don't need to relive every mistake we have both made. I just need you to commit to helping me in this marriage, and helping yourself to stop hiding from your pain and go to therapy, maybe try a different medication besides prozac. Go to an actual therapist instead of a GP to discuss meds and these things.

 

If you're not interested, I won't push you. I realize that if you do this just for me, you'll resent me. We'll end up right back here at some other point in time.

 

Those are my thoughts.

 

If you want to move out, seek a lawyer and proceed with a divorce, please let me know. I don't think we have to have an ugly divorce. I do not plan to try to withhold your children, screw you financially or do anything spiteful.

 

I have thought on this for days now. I left the house because I could not take the arguing. I physically could not with how ill I felt. I felt so out of breath and sick and I just had to get out of there. I was already wiped out to the point that the mental part of fighting and arguing became too much for me. I was having difficulty even forming thoughts and I was too angry and you were too angry. Nothing was going to be resolved in that conversation.

 

Anyway, those are my thoughts. If you have any you can send them my way. I have cooled off and feel better and am willing to talk.

 

Jennifer

 

Wow.

 

I hope when I have arguments with my SO in the future....I hope it's a women who can ACTUALLY articulate her feelings in such a calm and concise manner as you did while also displaying your obvious love for him.

 

I have nothing to add to your debacle as I feel that you are leaps and bounds ahead of most people here. After reading your letter, I'd imagine a favorable response considering his earlier text to you.

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Wow.

 

I hope when I have arguments with my SO in the future....I hope it's a women who can ACTUALLY articulate her feelings in such a calm and concise manner as you did while also displaying your obvious love for him.

 

I have nothing to add to your debacle as I feel that you are leaps and bounds ahead of most people here. After reading your letter, I'd imagine a favorable response considering his earlier text to you.

 

I don't think he sent her a text message, I think she was saying that she'd e happy IF he sent that.

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