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How can I begin to move on - separation that wasn't my choice


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I know there are plenty of you who have been through something similar so I am hoping for some advice.

 

Been with my husband for 18 years (known each other for 22 years) married for 12. Things didn't seem right early this year & then in June he announces that he doesn't think he loves me anymore & then moved out immediately. We have 2 children aged 9 & 7.

 

I was shocked as although I realised things had become stale between us, I had no idea he felt like this & asked him to try & make it work. He agreed to go to MC & we have been to about 8 or 9 sessions. The last one was this week where I really laid my feelings out there & said that I really wanted to move forward & try to come back together. He doesn't feel as if he wants to, He says there is no one else & in the past 3 months there has been no sign of another woman on the scene.

 

The counsellor said that there is no point in us attending any further joint sessions & I am just crushed. I feel like I have regressed to the level I was at when he first left & although I didn't realise it, I must have been holding onto that tiny sliver of hope that he would come back. I'm feeling constantly anxious, finding it difficult to sleep or eat & am very tearful all the time.

 

I know that I need to start to let go & move on but I have absolutely no idea how I can begin to do that from someone I have known & loved for over half my life & who I still have to see & attempt to maintain a civil relationship with because of the kids.

 

I fear that I will end up bitter & resentful towards him because of his actions & I really don't want that. I am not the type of person that hates, I suspect my tolerance is how I ended up in this mess already. I know that he resents me & seems emotionally void towards me - I really don't want that but am really struggling to cope.

 

Any ideas welcomed.

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Isthismylife... My wife gave me much the same story but there was another man involved. Not saying that's what's going on in your case but often more times than not that's exactly what's going on. Stick around you'll get lots of help here. They will mention things like 180, nc and gal... All terms before your through this will be a fixture in you vocabulary.

 

Hope the best for you , this will be one of the hardest things you will ever face.

 

But it does get better.. If you let it.

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Hard 180 no contact. only texts about kids only and keep it short.

 

Never answer his phone calls. If texts are of about kids or business. Ignore.

 

Make no mistake trying to nice him back get you nothing.

 

Move on and let your actions show this

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I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. First and foremost, take the NC strategy to heart - it is harder to manage with you share children, but it is a good guiding light.

 

My situation feels like the mini-me version of your story. My ex and I had been together for most of the last 15 years. We have two children, aged 6 and 8, and we have been living as a family (tho unmarried) for the last 8 years. She recently celebrated her 40th birthday, and not long after, announced that she wanted to leave and started an online affair with an old college boyfriend.

 

Aside from cutting contact with her, one of the most important things I have done for myself was to allow myself the right to feel whatever I was feeling. I allowed her to continue to live with me for a few months as she got herself settled in a new job and new apartment, and during that time, as you might imagine, we had an argument or two. She would typically take the position that she didn't appreciate my tone, or my anger, or my defensiveness.

 

Initially, I would respond by attempting to squash my feelings and reactions, and then try to "rise to the occasion". However, before long, I realized, it was perfectly rational for me to feel angry and defensive. And if the worst thing I did was have an angry tone of voice, well... she was lucky.

 

I mean, consider: our partners have abruptly ended our long term relationships. They have hurt us emotionally. They have upended our lives. They have clearly placed their own happiness ahead of ours.

 

We are supposed to be angry and hurt.

 

I wouldn't want any of us to go on in life, harboring anger and resentment. For the long term, I hope to let go of my anger, and I hope that happens for you as well. But I firmly believe that, before you can get there, you have to have the chance to BE angry. It's kind of like the grieving process (maybe it IS a grieving process) - you just need to go through it, and let it unfold however it unfolds.

 

My ex only finally moved out two weeks ago, and this is actually my first weekend since then without the kids. It feels SO WEIRD to go through an entire day without my ex in my life. I mean, her presence was as constant as breathing for the last decade. On top of that, after putting my kids on the bus this morning, I realized that I wouldn't see them again until Monday night. That makes me want to cry.

 

So I am allowing myself to be sad about the kids, and to miss the life I had with my ex, and to be angry at her for ending things and the way she did so. I suspect in time I will grow accustomed to seeing my kids less, and I hope that I instead am more present and involved (it already feels that way). And I expect to find that life without her slowly becomes my new normal, and doesn't feel so weird. And I expect that, in time, the anger will fade, and I will perhaps remember what had been good between us, or perhaps I will think of her not at all.

 

I hope that you allow yourself the right to feel all of your feelings, without guilt, and that you too find that the sadness and anger fade away.

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Things didn't seem right early this year & then in June he announces that he doesn't think he loves me anymore & then moved out immediately.

 

He says there is no one else & in the past 3 months there has been no sign of another woman on the scene.

 

How would you know :confused: ???

 

The reason I ask is based on his actions. His willingness to attend MC indicates he still has one foot in the door and, in a perfect world, you'd approach the problems in your marriage under one roof, even if one of you was sleeping in the guest room. Since he bailed so quickly, seems like he's being pulled in another direction and subsequently trying to choose.

 

Regardless, the advice to limit contact and move forward (THE "180") definitely applies. Welcome to LoveShack, sorry it's under these circumstances...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Lucky again mate. I know you have been here a hell of a lot longer than I have and as such are no doubt better qualified and certainly experienced in terms of being able to give advice.

 

That said, it seems to be a pretty standard occurrence that if someone comes here looking for guidance as their partner has moved out you immediately tell them it's likely to involve someone else. As I said the last thread when I brought this up with you, you may well be right but mate you could be putting ideas in people's heads when they are emotional and vulnerable and you've no idea if you're right or not.

 

If that's what happened to you I'm sorry mate but you can't just presume that every single time someone moves out they are cheating. No doubt a lot of the time that's going to be the case and may be here but you know what, looking at the length of the relationship and the age of the kids involved, maybe the OP's partner is actually just having a mid life crisis for want of a better description. It sound like he's all of a sudden on the wrong side of 40 and had panicked, run away and is probably going out and pretending he's 21 again. I could well be totally wrong but maybe not but seriously mate you can't just keep telling everyone going through a seperation that they are being cheated on.

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As I said the last thread when I brought this up with you, you may well be right but mate you could be putting ideas in people's heads when they are emotional and vulnerable and you've no idea if you're right or not.

 

If that's what happened to you I'm sorry mate but you can't just presume that every single time someone moves out they are cheating.

 

Pete, I don't presume they're cheating and, in fact, hope they're not.

 

What I recommend to people in the OP's situation is they take the easy steps to rule infidelity out as a cause. Check joint phone/text/email, financial and social media records for unfamiliar numbers, inappropriate messages and unexplained expenses. When your spouse tells you "I love you but..." and departs, knowledge is power.

 

When one goes to the doctor for an unexplained malady, the first thing they do is rule out the really serious stuff. When faced with a walk-away spouse, one should do the same thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I'm Truly sorry for what your going through.

 

What was his point of going to MC if he had no intention of working things out?

 

Prior to his leaving did he ever discuss not being happy?

 

From this time forward it's all about what you need to do for yourself, establish a means of getting support, it's not going to be an easy but you will get thru this.

 

Take care

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Pete, I don't presume they're cheating and, in fact, hope they're not.

 

What I recommend to people in the OP's situation is they take the easy steps to rule infidelity out as a cause. Check joint phone/text/email, financial and social media records for unfamiliar numbers, inappropriate messages and unexplained expenses. When your spouse tells you "I love you but..." and departs, knowledge is power.

 

When one goes to the doctor for an unexplained malady, the first thing they do is rule out the really serious stuff. When faced with a walk-away spouse, one should do the same thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I know you are (well you certainly come across as, in the brief time I've been here) a good bloke but when the OP is talking about a relationship on the rocks and this one clearly is but one that has no suggestion of cheating then you could be doing more damage than good. OP was fully confident that nobody else was involved but all of a sudden there's a seed planted in what's already an emotionally charged situation. There was no suggestion whatsoever of an affair and yes, you may well be right but think maybe it would be better to at least chat to whoever posts their story a bit first before suggesting a third party and to have a look around.

 

As far as this relationship is concerned, I think that there's a long, deep conversation that needs to happen with the OP and partner because it doesn't sound irretrievable. It may be, but might not be. There are plenth of new threads here that we all read and know with almost certainty that the OP is being messed around but this wasn't one of them.

 

I'm not going keep hammering home my opinion every time but I honestly think I've a valid point when it comes to you jumping to conclusions.

 

In this relationship, I stand by my first reply in that it does seem that maybe a little absence and time alone may make the OPs partner realise that being on his own and having some space may be a novelty that wears thin pretty quickly but maybe it had to happen just to satisfy his own desire to see if the grass is greener.

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Lucky is right, I don't know the percentages for sure, but especially men, don't usually walk away like this unless someone else involved, end of story. Women are almost the same. People don't usually walk from a marriage unless they have found someone else.

 

Does it EVER happen, of course it happens, but the percentage of people walking away because of unhappiness is far smaller than the situation that someone has had an affair, or just slept around and now they want out of the marriage.

 

OP, You need to follow Lucky's advice and check around so that you can know if he is having an affair. Don't LISTEN to what he says, if he is having an affair, you would never really know. Some people can recognize a change in their spouse and some cannot. It happens both ways.

 

The end result is the same, 180 and NC except information about the kids. Just try to move on. The heartbreak is the same either way. Over time you will learn to cope with the loss.

 

The thing that will help you now is the 180, getting counseling for yourself and taking care of yourself.

 

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

 

Good luck to you...

Edited by BluesPower
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My response was one I wish someone had given me at this time... Or any advice that would have let me see the forest..big picture

 

Your mind is a jumbled up mess and really are looking for opinions to back what ever outcome you wish to happen. Keep going to mc , but go just for you if they can see just you. It will help. It will help get you back , make you stronger to face whatever direction this goes in.

 

Hope you find some peace during this time.

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Assuming there was no abuse, abandonment, cheating or drug/alcohol abuse on the part of the dumpee, it's good bet that the person that simply walked away either has someone waiting in the wings or they are planning on getting back on the single dating market ASAP.

 

Sure it happens, but it is rare for someone to leave a home with minor children just so they can hang out by themselves.

 

Now we haven't heard any backstory from the OP and she hasn't returned to the thread.

 

Perhaps she is a falling down drunk or a chronic shopaholic that has put the family into 10s of thousands of dollars in debt. Maybe she hasn't had sex with him in 5 years. Maybe she is abusive to him or the kids. Maybe this - maybe that.

 

But as a typical rule, unless there is some other clear reason for someone to take off, in the absence of some kind of misbehavior on the part of the dumpee, 9 times out of 10 there is a 3rd party out there somewhere.

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Thanks for all the replies, I don't get much spare time to check in with 2 kids & a house to manage unfortunately.

 

Of course, I cannot be certain whether an OW is involved, I do not have access to any of his phone or email accounts (nor does he to mine). Not because we kept it secret we just had complete trust in one another. I do not think it would be helpful for me to turn detective as it wouldn't change the outcome, simply give me a concrete reason & I'd still be heartbroken.

 

The Onceler - I am sorry to read your story, that must be so tough to go through. I think allowing myself to feel all the emotions is really good advice.

 

Ton of Bricks - I have managed to get an individual app with MC in a couple of weeks so hopefully that will help.

 

I can understand that we allowed ourselves to grow apart, always focusing on the kids & working long hours. However, he didn't ever tell me he was unhappy or try to discuss anything re our relationship. I was always the one that arranged nights out & babysitters although they were definitely too infrequent. The resentment on his part has built up over time & he feels he cannot get over it. I feel that whilst these are fairly common complaints in long term relationships they do not have to mean the end of the relationship.

 

Pete - I think the MLC definitely seems plausible, he is the wrong side of 40 & a lot else seems to fit.

 

I do not have to worry about ignoring his calls or texts as he has called me once in 3 months! He seems completely emotionally detached from me whilst I am still in love with him.

 

Lowrider - I'm not sure why he agreed to MC, he says he thought maybe they would say something that would help. No, he didn't ever tell me he was unhappy. I guess I thought he was fed up with the mundane routine that is family life,I didn't reali's it was me or our marriage.

 

I'll read up on the links provided & am trying not to mope around dwelling on things. Went for 2 long walks today & enjoyed the sunshine. Trying to remain positive when my world is collapsing around me is a definite challenge. I guess all I can do is to take it one day at a time.

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For the record. I am neither a drunk, shopaholic , got us into any debt. Just a newly single parent trying to find enough time between kids & chores to get online & read & respond.

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Your doing fine isthis...focus on the kids as their world is going to change radically no matter the outcome.Post here when you can , late at night if you have to. You'll need the outlet and sound board more as you get into this... as it will come in waves .. Ok days to really bad ones.

 

Your description of your husbands departure sounds exactly like my wife's...but she had to stick around longer than she wanted due to low cash.. And even now lives with her parents (at 43yo)

 

Your in good company here .. Stick around it will prove invaluable

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I know you are (well you certainly come across as, in the brief time I've been here) a good bloke but when the OP is talking about a relationship on the rocks and this one clearly is but one that has no suggestion of cheating then you could be doing more damage than good. OP was fully confident that nobody else was involved but all of a sudden there's a seed planted in what's already an emotionally charged situation. There was no suggestion whatsoever of an affair and yes, you may well be right but think maybe it would be better to at least chat to whoever posts their story a bit first before suggesting a third party and to have a look around.

 

As far as this relationship is concerned, I think that there's a long, deep conversation that needs to happen with the OP and partner because it doesn't sound irretrievable. It may be, but might not be. There are plenth of new threads here that we all read and know with almost certainty that the OP is being messed around but this wasn't one of them.

 

I'm not going keep hammering home my opinion every time but I honestly think I've a valid point when it comes to you jumping to conclusions.

 

In this relationship, I stand by my first reply in that it does seem that maybe a little absence and time alone may make the OPs partner realise that being on his own and having some space may be a novelty that wears thin pretty quickly but maybe it had to happen just to satisfy his own desire to see if the grass is greener.

 

It takes about 15 to 20 minute to check your phone bill online. I've seen this over and over again. They'd never do that then, BAM! It happens with alarming frequency. Being naive at a time like this doesn't help.

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Hi Isthismylife, I am really very sorry to read your story. Sometimes when I read these accounts on this and the Infidelity sub forum I wonder what happens to people who, till the other day were loving and committed folk, and then suddenly they turn into heartless monsters. How can a person( Read Human being ) do that? Is it in their genes from birth?

 

I wanted to know whether you have any kind of support in terms of family or close friends nearby? If you do have and they are supportive, then you may have to lean heavily on them in the short term till your pain lessens and you can handle things on your own. Does your husband keep in touch with your children? Does he come over to visit or does he take them across to his place? Has he said anything about a divorce? Also was he the main bread winner in the family or were you equal partners on the financial front? Is he going to be paying any child support? Has he given any indication of how things are going to be going forward or is it all nebulous?

 

The thing is that you will have to first accept that your marriage is probably over and that it is not likely to be resurrected. Once you have accepted that and come to terms with it you can move on and plan your new life without your husband in it. I know you have a huge responsibility with two small children to nurture and bring up as a single parent without much help from your husband and so you should start planning as to how you are going to do that in the best possible way. I wonder if you have agencies which can help you with advice on such matters? More importantly, you will have to take care of your self both physically and emotionally as otherwise, you will feel completely overwhelmed. I do hope you are strong emotionally so that you can weather this storm and take it in your stride. It is good that you took two long walks as physical exercise could be very therapeutic for you at this time.

 

One of the things that I wanted to suggest is that you should try and analyse why things became stale in your marriage and why the two of you did not notice the slow death. If you are able to identify the reasons then, at least for the future, you will safeguard against such a shortcoming if you find your self in another relationship. How old are you and are you planning on dating or at least considering getting into another relationship? I guess with kids this may be easier said than done but as the saying goes " Where there is a will there is a way". Of course all talk of a relationship or dating may be premature, but it should be on the table and it will give you something to look forward to and and an incentive to primp up your looks and personality. I guess this is a lot to digest at this point of time so I'll wind up by wishing you all the very best. Cheers!

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LancasterAmos1966
Went for 2 long walks today & enjoyed the sunshine. Trying to remain positive when my world is collapsing around me is a definite challenge. I guess all I can do is to take it one day at a time.

 

 

I'm sorry about your situation isthismylife. I'm a few years past my collapsed world, but I sure feel for you.

 

Being able to walk around and enjoy the sunshine are good signs --- keep moving, even on those days you might not feel like it.

 

Buy a used copy or at least read the comment section of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. This book won't help you get your husband back, but it might help you understand some of what you and your husband have been facing over the past few months.

 

My estranged wife walked away from me and my 6 kids -- she did not have a boyfriend until 2 weeks later that she picked up at a local bar. So, some do walk away without having a good plan. But now that she has been gone for nearly 4 years, she is doing well, and I am too!! If I can make it, you can too.

 

Due to my religious convictions, I'm not able to suggest that you file divorce.....but neither do I suggest that you beg him to remain your husband.

 

Google 5 stages of grief to let you know the emotions that you will face: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance.

 

Not all of our comments will help your personal situation, but I think that everyone means well. We feel your pain, and want you to know that you can make it!! One day at a time might be too much for right now ---- make it one hour at a time if necessary!!

 

I hope you can reunite ----- but since you probably lived the first 15 to 25 years of your life without even knowing him, you can definitely make it another 25 years without him.

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Hi,

 

Reading the new comments has made me realise how negative my original post sounded about my husband & that isn't fair. He wasn't a bad husband at all, has always been a great Dad & has continued to see the kids regularly since moving out.

 

I read a book yesterday that finally made things a lot clearer for me, all the things he has tried to explain about feeling not conneced to me made sense & I am now left with an immense feeling of regret & awareness of what contributed to this.

 

Anyway, I have found posting here helpful & as awful as it is to read other similar stories, there's a strange comfort in knowing that you are not suffering alone.

 

I have a couple of good friends & my siblings have been supportive too but I am starting to even bore myself now & as it has been 3 months, people have stopped contacting me as much. I suspect as they feel there is nothing they can say as much as not wanting to hear me go through it all again or burst into the tears.

 

I managed to get through a day at work today & got to read stories to my wonderful kids tonight which has left me feeling incredibly thankful for what I do have rather than focusing on my loss.

 

One of my husband's complaints was that I was often negative, as difficult as it is at the moment, I am trying to look for positives in each day. Wonder how long I will be able to maintain that?

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This sounds very similar to my situation. I have been with my guy for 20 years and one day last month, he calmly asked me for a divorce. Like you, we grew apart in the last 5 years, but I had no idea he felt this way. He was so adamant about the divorce that he started to say cruel things to me. It took me 2 days, psychology research in hand to convince him that dump me and be alone isnt the magical solution to his happiness. We are doing marriage therapy now. I am curious why the therapist said your case is hopeless?

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Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time too Lily.

 

The therapist didn't say that it was hopeless, but explained that in order to try & rekindle the relationship we both have to want to try & he doesn't.

 

I think she is trying to help me to begin to move on & to point out the obvious as I wasn't really hearing him, preferring to believe that somehow he would realise that it was worth fighting for.

 

I wish you well with your therapy & hope you are able to achieve your desired outcome.

 

I had to see him today as he put the kids to bed, it's so tough.I just feel an overwhelming sense of emptiness.

Edited by isthismylife
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I am sorry to hear that, 18 years together deserves more than just a "oh, I don't love you anymore". Was he always on the stoic and emotionless side? I know how you feel. I feel empty and unaccomplished most of the time. My mood is entirely dependent on how my husband responds to me now. Some days are better than others.

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isthismylife
I am sorry to hear that, 18 years together deserves more than just a "oh, I don't love you anymore". Was he always on the stoic and emotionless side? I know how you feel. I feel empty and unaccomplished most of the time. My mood is entirely dependent on how my husband responds to me now. Some days are better than others.

 

 

No, he was not emotionless before. Our communication patterns became bad & we were both avoiding conflict & got distracted by the children, work & all the other mundane things. I feel so misunderstood & feel that I really do not deserve to be treated like this.

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