wife wants to leave me

[zion]

Im haveing this big problem with my marriage.

Im 26 and my wife is 27 we got married when i was 19

My wife had a son from a previous violent relationship and we have a son together.

In the last year or so my wife has told me that she only got with me in the first place because she wanted protection from her ex violent partner.

 

I really love my wife but she wants us to splitt.

She sais that she isnt intrested in fixing the relationship and that she wants to move on and do other things with her life.

 

We tryed marrage guidance counselling but after 3 sessions she said it was a waste of time and that she wouldnt go anymore.

 

She tels me that she wants to find a new partner who is exciteing and that im to boaring.

 

I have suffered from depression since i was 17 and have no real friends. Its easy to say go and make some but i just cant.

 

I know i dont realy bring anything into the relationship from outside because i have no hobbies or intrests and i can understand that im not that interesting but i am desperate to save our marrage.

 

She wants us to sell our house and splitt the money we get so she can start a new life

 

I have nothing in my life execpt for my family and if we splitt i will be left with nothing.

 

we dont have a good sex life and we only have sex about 2 times a month and after every time she cryes and then tells me that we need to splitt and sex with me is ok but its just sex and that she wants to feel in love, and that she loves me like her brother but nothing more than that.

We are realy good friends and dont argue much about anything exept for us splitting up.

HELP!!!!!!

[lolla]

I think you got married too young for starters... Neither one of you went through your "changes"... you settled for the only path you have both known. I can see your wife's point of wanting something more out of life... all she really knows is you, and same for you.

 

and I think that BOTH of you let this marriage die somewhere along the way... you nor her kept the spark that a marriage needs to survive.

 

I am not an advice giver, but I have this great ability to pick out the 'wrong doings' .. I do wish you much luck in saving your marriage.

[MassiveAtom]

Okay Buddy, here we go. I hope the rest of the crew chimes in soon. I know what you're feeling right now. I can only say that what you have in front of you is a lot of work. Spiritual and emotional. I'd love to say this is going to be easy, but it won't be When a woman you love decides to leave it rips your heart out, lightly salts it, ever so skillfully shreds it, tosses it in a blender with basil and tomato and hits puree.

 

Not to mix metaphors but you've just boarded "The Roller-coaster." There'll be times when you feel useless, ugly, unworthy, guilty, and abandoned. Sometimes you'll want to run far away and disappear. Other times you'll feel like you can take anything the world can throw at you. You'll hate her, you'll love her, you'll miss her, you'll never want to see her face again. It's all normal. All of it. We're all here for you at LS. There's nothing to be ashamed of. The anonymity is great but some of us actually talk outside of LS. It's a big step when you're ready, and It takes a lot of bravery, and it's the best thing I've ever experienced.

 

Now, Don't think for an instant that her leaving is about you. It isn't. Even if she blames you for everything, it's not true. The decision to leave was hers and hers alone. You can do everything you think is necessary to save the marriage and she'll still leave. You have to let her. She's her own person. Your task now is to survive, and then thrive. Which I'm sure your strength of character will enable you to do in spades.

 

I know there's only a little comfort in reading words on a screen, But let me put it this way. LS has been a safe haven for me, while going through a terribly painful ordeal. I lost my Wife some months ago. two kids, new house, lots of hope. Just GONE. Hang in there, Hang out here. We can help.

 

You're not in this alone. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I want you to be okay. Nah, I want you to be AWESOME. Take this opportunity to take care of you. and you will be AWESOME in due time. Take little steps at working her out of your life, don't do anything drastic. Just small measured changes and you'll be fine.

 

I know it hurts, but this too shall pass.

 

PM me anytime.

 

your brother in arms

 

MA

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

Now, Don't think for an instant that her leaving is about you. It isn't. Even if she blames you for everything, it's not true. The decision to leave was hers and hers alone. You can do everything you think is necessary to save the marriage and she'll still leave. You have to let her. She's her own person. Your task now is to survive, and then thrive.

 

MA's right. There's no magic method by which you'll be able to change her mind. You'll be ripping your own heart out trying.

 

You can't control other people anyway. You can only control what you do. One thing that you can do is to be sure that you keep treating your depression. In an extra-stressful situation, it's good to keep your therapist or doctor informed.

 

When you're on the rollercoaster all you can do is RIDE. It helps to know that even when you hit a significant dip, you're always going to go UP again eventually.

 

It would appear that you have a self-esteem problem. You say that you don't have any friends or hobbies, and that you bring "nothing" to the relationship. You're pretty down on yourself there.

 

Letting her go will give you the opportunity to concentrate your efforts on YOU. Everybody deserves for their partner to love and prioritize them. Holding onto her will only make it more difficult for you to achieve an understanding of this.

[JustLilOleMe]

I am so sorry for your pain. Divorce & separation hurt no matter whose "choice" to split.

 

Unfortunately, your wife sounds like she's already gone - just waiting to physically be so.

 

Even though the marraige counseling did not stop this from happening, from the way you describe yourself, your attributes and what you don't think you bring to the relationship - I think you would be wise to seek a bit of counseling for yourself. It is not a weakness - by the way - to do so. If you were suffereing from anemia due to lack of iron in your diet, you'd go to the coctor and do what he/she told you to, right? Take some iron pills if that was what would speed the healing, right? Well, it sounds to me like you've got a pretty large lack of self-esteem in your diet & might want to go get that taken care of. At the very least, it will help to have an unbiased person to help you sort out the events that are happening in your life.

 

The only "advice" I can give you is to try to bear in mind that you will have to someday explain your behavior as this occurs to your child. Before any ugliness rears its head - try to keep that thought at the front of your mind. It won't be easy, but you'll be glad if you can be civil.

[zion]

Thanks for your support . I do know that i can get through this is just hard. I wish the situation could be improved. What i said about the friends and hobby things is true. I live in the uk and am a student doing a degree in addiction counsellling.

Becasuse i dont study at home i have to spend much of the week away from home staying in bed and breackfast accomidation. I sms my wife and leave messages but she wont pick up and call back so i spend all my free time just watchin tv. I am the only student where i go to do my placement (away from home) and go to collage 1 day a week.

I spend most of my life on my own.

I was bullied at school and have never had any friends since.

[RecordProducer]

When my husband left me with two little babies, I had no friends, no job, nothing except my love for him, my mom, and despair.

After a couple of years I felt much better. It's been 4 years as we split now and I am happier than ever. So many nice things happened to me when I took my life in my hands. Both in my career and love. I met the love of my life. I bought equipment for my studio and learned the job, started making my own songs.

Before him I was a boring housewife with a boring husband. He was not the right one. He didn't appreciate my enthusiasm, my education, my intellect, and whatever I represent. He only expected me to replace the mother of his daughter. Both him and his daughter made my life miserable.

Have you really been happy with your wife all these years? I doubt it.

She will leave. Let her! What you need to do is re-organize your life. Go associate with people, meet new friends. Date women. There are so many dating sites, just don't give up after 20 unsuccessful dates.

I don't like this 'everything vs. nothing' philosophy of life. Someone who has a nice job, a wife and kids has everything, and you have nothing? You have yourself and you can do whatever you want with yourself and be who you want to be (hopefully you don't want to be what you cannot). You can meet the right one and be happy for the rest of your life. You can even change your career or job and start all over again. You're only 26.

You can't make anyone love you and I think it's rather your vanity that's hurt than your heart.

Aren't you more worried about your child than about your wife? I would be.