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Should I ask for a Divorce ?


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Hey LoveShackers

 

I have been married to my husband for the past 3 years and together for 8 years. We met when I was 20 and had very little dating/relationship experience. He was the first guy to treat me well and the first man i ever fell in love with. We don't have children but we did purchase a home together once we got married. He provides a fairly comfortable life for me. I am successful and have a great job that provides me a level of financial freedom.

 

My husband and I had a fairly good relationship before the purchase of our home. We bickered but rarely fought. We partied (used drugs) and drank but never to excess. We had a full sex life that e both enjoyed. After the purchase of our home my husband was unable to handle the stress and he crumbled. He started drinking heavily and partying (using drugs) 3/4 nights a week. We faugh constantly and violently (verbal but never physical). Our sex life deteriorated to one or twice a month with lots of begging from me. This behavior carried on for 2 1/2 years. I have a hard time communicating and I keep a lot of my feelings inside.

 

Last February I had told him that I was considering a divorce if he didn't change. Time past and nothing changed so I became frustrated and had an affair. In June I had said again that I was still considering a divorce and he needed to change or I wouldn't stay with him.

 

He finally took me seriously and made the changes. He still drinks and does drugs but its not frequent. Our fighting is minimal and our sex life is back to normal (not very good sex but not horrible). Sadly my love and desire for him hasn't come back and I find myself at times still wanting a divorce.

 

Should I file for divorce ?

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At the very least you guys should do some marriage counseling - and then if you are still unhappy, you should file for divorce. You are young and have a lot of time ahead of you. Don't spend it unhappy. Good Luck.

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At the very least you guys should do some marriage counseling - and then if you are still unhappy, you should file for divorce. You are young and have a lot of time ahead of you. Don't spend it unhappy. Good Luck.

 

^^^ what She said. Take action now. Counseling if you want to work on it and divorce if you don't think you can. DO NOT be complacent. Either fix it or move on. Don't have kids until the relationship is fixed, should you choose to work on it.

 

A home is a simple thing to split. Don't do like me and live in an unhappy marriage for decades:(

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That is part of your problem. You aren't thinking or feeling clearly while jacked up on mind altering pleasure chemicals generated by your affair. While the affair continues, your judgement is clouded.

 

If you want to decide if you are going to divorce or not, you should end the affair, give yourself AT LEAST 6 months of no contact with your AP to heal and begin to think clearly, then take stock and see where you are.

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My affair has not ended. We are still seeing each other.

 

This needs to stop immediately or your marriage is doomed.

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To be completely honest with the forum. Me and my other are very in love with each other. It wasn't my intention or his to fall for each other but it happened. We happen to be very compatible. He is kind to me , loving , a good friend and lover. If I was to go through with the divorce we would continue our relationship.

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To be completely honest with the forum. Me and my other are very in love with each other. It wasn't my intention or his to fall for each other but it happened. We happen to be very compatible. He is kind to me , loving , a good friend and lover. If I was to go through with the divorce we would continue our relationship.

 

That's what every cheater says.

You are in the fog. Most relationships which started as affairs do not last.

 

Everyone who is having an affair thinks that the grass is greener on the other side. Later, cheaters find out the grass on the other side still had weeds. :rolleyes:

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What is so stressful about buying a house that it causes your husband to use drugs 3-4 nights a week and otherwise completely alter his behavior? What kind of drugs are we talking about here? And did you guys buy a house you couldn't afford or what?

 

Sounds like you both are excuse makers and very immature. If you want your marriage to work, you need to break up with your affair partner and get into counseling.

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I'm not sure what about the house alters him so much. We bought an old house that was in our means. We put a lot of work into the house and I think the stress of having responsibilities was too much for him. He smokes weed daily which doesn't bother me but he started doing cocaine almost daily. On the weekends the cocain use was much heavier and the drinking was around a bottle of Jameson to 2 bottles of Jameson a week.He doesn't want to go to counseling. He never did and never wil. Both of us are immature in our own ways I won't deny that but does that mean that I don't deserve happiness or love ?

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To be completely honest with the forum. Me and my other are very in love with each other. It wasn't my intention or his to fall for each other but it happened. We happen to be very compatible. He is kind to me , loving , a good friend and lover. If I was to go through with the divorce we would continue our relationship.

Then you answered your own question. It seems you came here to have the forum validate your reasons to leave?

 

Divorce so your husband can get his life back in order, I'm sure you don't see this, but your affair is affecting him, affairs never heal a deteriorating relationship.

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To be completely honest with the forum. Me and my other are very in love with each other. It wasn't my intention or his to fall for each other but it happened. We happen to be very compatible. He is kind to me , loving , a good friend and lover.

 

In other words, just how you initially felt about your husband, right :confused::confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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No not really we always had a very friendship based relationship. We were never particularly loving to each other or affectionate.

 

Than why did you marry him?

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I'm sorry, but he drinks alcohol heavily, does weed daily, and has started with cocaine... And you stay with him because... ?

 

You are in a very unhealthy relationship. I'm not sure why you would even consider staying with a partner who has addictions and when life sounds rather stressful. Not a life I would chose for myself...

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Do you smoke & snort too? Does your boy friend?

 

Is your affair partner single?

 

To be honest it's highly unlikely that you have any real idea of how you feel about either man if both relationships are based on a history of partying.

 

Why did you get married when you did? How did your husband propose? What's your story?

 

Many young people get married for fun, their friends are, it seems like time, whatever! You're acting like you're still dating in university, partying, swapping guys. Are you sure that this marriage is what you want at this time in your life?

 

If your vows aren't that important to you & you just got carried away 'man-up' & accept that you're too young for marriage & everything that goes with it. Stop portraying your husband as a druggy looser. You are/or were until recently on the same page!!

 

Only you know for sure what you want. Having an active affair is not going to give you clarity, quite the opposite! Be honest with yourself first.

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To be completely honest with the forum. Me and my other are very in love with each other. It wasn't my intention or his to fall for each other but it happened. We happen to be very compatible. He is kind to me , loving , a good friend and lover. If I was to go through with the divorce we would continue our relationship.

 

It's never anyone's intention for it to happen......scour these forums and you will find every affair partner ever was madly in love and meant to spend the rest of their lives together.

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Not sure what advice you are looking for?

 

You do not love your husband, you are cheating on him and have no intention of stopping, and you are leading a double life. And if you think he has violent tendencies before, I wonder what might happen when he catches you telling him to change to improve your relationship while you are having sex with another man regularly.

 

Its simple. Either divorce your husband or end the affair. You are never going to see if you can fix things while he is in a competition that he is totally unaware of and you are not doing anything but going through the motions.

 

If you are looking for advice that tells you what you are doing is the way to go, I do not think you will find too many supportive of that

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1) I no longer do drugs daily. I smoke some weed on the weekends maybe have a glass or two of wine on the weekends as well. I'm more into health , fitness , the outdoors and not partying. When my husband parties or goes out I am usually at home alone.

 

2) my affaire partner is single. Idk why everyone on this site assumes that I want to marry my affaire partner. He's a great guy and we love each other we just want to travel together and have fun. He's not the marrying type and I don't think that's in the cards for us.

 

3) my husband proposed at a bar. We got married a year later. We had the most beautiful wedding imaginable.

 

4) I married him because he asked and I though we could change. I thought I could change. I thought once we got married he would stop partying and I would stop my infidelity and we would have a happy easy life together.

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My affair has not ended. We are still seeing each other.

 

This why the sex BH is blah, and why you will never recover your feelings for your BH.

 

 

Do things the right way. Dump OM and go NC. If you work where the OM works you must leave that job. Then tell BH MC and drug rehab is a must and so is telling your BH about the affair.

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4) I married him because he asked and I though we could change. I thought I could change. I thought once we got married he would stop partying and I would stop my infidelity and we would have a happy easy life together.

 

Wait, were you cheating on him before you even got engaged and married!?!?

 

Time to call the entire charade to a halt. Tell your husband and come clean. Get a divorce.

 

You keep blaming all this on drugs and alcohol, but that is the tip of the iceberg in this shipwreck of a scenario.

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I wonder what might happen when he catches you telling him to change to improve your relationship while you are having sex with another man regularly.

 

This.

 

Everyone makes poor decisions at times, but you don't get to insist to your husband, "get your act together for the sake of our marriage" while you are banging another dude. That takes a lot of nerve.

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L

 

If you're sincere about giving your marriage a chance, you must eliminate your AP from your life. You will not reconnect with your H while you have the AP. It sounds by the way you write that you have no intention of moving the third party from the equation. Additionally, you are not accepting any fault in your A....you look to be blaming your husbands faults for your affair. If you're going to hold to that line of thinking, you might as well leave and let your H begin to heal and move on with his life....understand though, relationships that begin with cheating will always contain that concern of further behavior of the kind.

 

Either eliminate the AP and bury yourself in the marriage or move on.....

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This.

 

Everyone makes poor decisions at times, but you don't get to insist to your husband, "get your act together for the sake of our marriage" while you are banging another dude. That takes a lot of nerve.

 

This. The whole situation is a shipwreck and you have contributed greatly to the situation. Other than the partying, I'm not really sure why you are with your husband. Now, you say you don't even have that in common.

 

You don't seem very serious about saving your marriage. If you were in love with your husband, you wouldn't have another man on the side. You seriously need to develop better judgment and make some more respectable decision in your life.

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