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Samaritans lady ended up in tears when I told her....


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In desperation for someone to talk to I rung the Samaritans, not that I was feeling suicidal, just utterly broken and as the title says, she ended up in tears. Here's why:

 

10 years ago at the age of 21 and having just lost my father, I went out for a drink with the daughter of a colleague. She was utterly stunning and so far out of my league it was ridiculous but she was in an a violent relationship and seemed to fall for me because I was nothing like her partner.

 

She soon split with him and we started a relationship however the problems quickly started. She had a terrible tolerance to alcohol and would become violent and irrational but I persevered. Not long into the relationship she went back to her ex for a day or two at a time but I was so smitten with her I pretended to believe her lies.

 

She was/is what you might call a chav and her friends quickly made it clear they felt she should be doing better than me. I'm not a good looking guy, far slimmer than I would like but I've always struggled to change that.

 

Eventually, she stopped seeing her ex and seemed to be really falling in love with me and she moved in to the house I shared with a couple of friends. Unfortunately when she was drunk she would flirt with them and generally embarrass me but like an idiot I asked them to move out. A few years passed and there was still the odd night she would just disappear and more times than I can remember that I was punched, slapped or just screamed at but I had fallen hook line and sinker for this gorgeous woman so I never ended things.

 

She broke up with me at one point and immediately started sleeping with someone else but I fought like hell to win her back and I did. I then proposed, no doubt in an attempt to make us more solid, despite knowing deep down it wouldn't ever truly work. We did however decide to try for a baby. In an attempt to make a fresh start, we moved to a new area but she would still keep going home and often be Uncontactable. After a couple of months she woke me one morning to tell me she was pregnant. I pretended to be over the moon but inside my heart sank, I just knew it wouldn't be mine.

 

However, we married shortly afterward anyway and when the little boy was born I never said a word. A week after he was born, she started drinking again and the first night became extremely violent and I said that's it, I want you to leave. I didn't really mean it but the next day she moved back to our old town and into her mothers house. A couple of months later I followed her back and rented myself a house and she did likewise. She wouldn't let me move in with her but insisted she wanted us to remain a couple.

 

After a couple of years I couldn't take the pain of not knowing anymore and a Dna test confirmed our little boy wasn't mine and when I confronted her she didn't deny it. A year or so after that I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and at this point she said she wouldn't waste her life waiting for me to get better and I didn't hear from her for 12 months until I was better and then she said she would try again.

 

I booked us a holiday for a couple of months time and things seemed great. However one day I caught her and my brother in bed together and it tore me apart. She swore it was a drunken mistake and again I forgave her and off on holiday we went. The couple of years since she has kept me dangling on a string, never making any effort nor letting me make any but never quite splitting up from me and she would often text late at night and invite me over only to be as cold as ice the next day.

 

The whole time there has been no true emotion from her, occasionally she will tell me she loves me but not often. I have tried to be the best father I can be but admittedly it's been hard emotionally and I could have done more.

 

My career had nose dived because of the illness and I was unemployed but by a stroke of good luck I got talking to the chairman of a major betting company and he employed me (I'm a journalist) to work as a horse racing consultant which I thought would have made her over the moon and respect me after telling me we could never work whilst I was unemployed. Alas, she said the hours were too long and she wasn't happy so after a month in my dream job I quit, only for her to tell me she didn't respect me because I had no job.

 

Fast forward another 12 months till now and she has after still keeping me dangling on and even saying only a couple of months ago we could try for another baby, she's met someone else. She tells me it's not serious, she's just enjoying some no strings sex.

 

That broke me, beyond time will heal, beyond any level a person should be broken to. I am a shadow of the person I once was, I am numb to the point there are times I can't even speak and I don't know where on earth to turn to.

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Yes your story is very sad, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation with your partner.

You will find the support here that you need,and positive encouragement to begin a new life.

I can tell you that all comments here will be geared towards you not allowing yourself to be walked all over. You must understand that a life alone is far better than the one your living right now.

 

Focus on what you want out of life, it sounds like her life is in a downward tailspin, and allowing to be sucked into that will only cause more heartache and pain for you, and I'm sure that's not what you want.

 

It's time to make a stand and quit allowing anymore abuse.

 

Peace

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Fast forward another 12 months till now and she has after still keeping me dangling on and even saying only a couple of months ago we could try for another baby, she's met someone else. She tells me it's not serious, she's just enjoying some no strings sex.

 

I'll warn you in advance Pete2304, tough love coming.

 

Of the two of you, she's been more honest. Doesn't seem like she's made much of an attempt to hide who she is, cetainly a less than sober and/or ideal candidate for marriage and motherhood.

 

And yet despite every stop sign, red flag and outright face palm, you've persisted in creating a delusional world where you expect her to act like a nornal spouse and parent. Even now, when she's openly telling you she's sleeping with someone else, you think of having another child with her.

 

If you're going to continue to throw yourself in harm's way, how can you be surprised at the pain? Through her actions, she's been telling you to go away for 10 years - and yet here you are, following her back to her old town, hanging on.

 

A therapist could help you see you've been your own worst enemy. Unless you want to cuntinue to hold your hand over the open flame, that's where I'd start.

 

Welcome to Loveshack, hope you keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Due to the paternity issue I strongly advise you to consult with a lawyer/solicitor NOW. What are your rights and responsibilities? You may after all the dust settles end up divorced. Obligated to pay support but with no visitation privileges.

 

I know this doesn't seem like the biggest issue now, but you are looking at 16 years of support payments, each of which will be a trigger of memory of how she played you.

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Ok firstly thanks for the responses.

 

Tough love is very much understandable and believe me you aren't telling me anything I don't know. Sadly, despite having had the measure of her from the day we met, I've been unable to as much as look at another woman in that time despite having, on occasion had the opportunity to start a relationship with someone else whilst I had been cast aside again, I Have never felt a thing.

 

Now, as for the paternity issue.....I am giving her £50 a week which is all I can manage at the minute. Legally, I don't suppose I'm liable for a thing, I can't be can I? Either way, I don't care, I adore my little man with all my heart and I want to help support him, Much as it's crippling me financially. Some weeks I can't afford to eat but I give her the money anyway. For around three weeks I couldn't give her a penny and it was at that point she went full on into a new relationship. Tells it's own story.

 

I don't care about the money, I'm more than happy to give it her but sadly, it's not going to stop her having the ability to take him away one day as and when she wanted to.

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I will say one other thing re the tough love:

 

When I married this girl I did so hoping that it would make the difference and despite probably knowing it wouldn't, I truly meant the promises I made and part of the reason I've kept fighting is because having that ring on my finger meant the world to me.

 

I am not naive enough to think things can be fixed, but it's hard when someone you are crazy about keeps dangling the promise of happiness in front of you only to snatch it away. If you had written what I have, no doubt I would have had similar feelings but when it's actually happening, the reality can be somewhat different.

 

As I said in the post above though, you are right, and I know that. And yet like a bad gambler, I can't walk away from the table....

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I'm so sorry, Pete. This is heartbreaking.

 

There's nothing one can say to heal you. This woman is like a drug and trying to kick it is extremely painful, sometimes impossible.

 

You just have to do whatever it takes to make sure that YOU'RE happy. Have you considered completely distancing yourself from her? (Very tough, I know. If you take it a day at a time, you might find it slowly gets easier. After all, it's up to you how long you maintain that distance).

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Funnily enough, having invited me over one night a few months ago, I was sat in bed with her having a glass of wine and she looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm your drug aren't I?" So nail and head there absolutely.

 

The problems is, if I have no contact with her then I have won't be able to see the little fella. I haven't mentioned this before but as part of the repercussions of the treatment I had for the lymphoma (ABVD), it's unlikely I will ever be able to have children owing to the length of time I had to be treated because I'd let things get so bad so I'm scared silly of letting this one chance of being a daddy, even if it isn't quite real, slip away but that said, the situation is killing me.

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I will say one other thing re the tough love:

 

When I married this girl I did so hoping that it would make the difference and despite probably knowing it wouldn't, I truly meant the promises I made and part of the reason I've kept fighting is because having that ring on my finger meant the world to me.

 

I am not naive enough to think things can be fixed, but it's hard when someone you are crazy about keeps dangling the promise of happiness in front of you only to snatch it away. If you had written what I have, no doubt I would have had similar feelings but when it's actually happening, the reality can be somewhat different.

 

As I said in the post above though, you are right, and I know that. And yet like a bad gambler, I can't walk away from the table....

 

As someone who hung in a lousy, dysfunctional marriage much longer than I should have, I get it. But at some point when infidelity, emotional and physical abuse and alcoholism continue as par for the course, even the most codependent partner understands the healthy choice is to walk away. You don't do her a service by destroying yourself. And if you stay beyond that, it's not her fault, it's yours.

 

Not sure you're at that point yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Don't use the child as a reason to stay connected to her!

 

Adopt a dog, you'll be making the world a better place.

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That's not fair mate, I was there the second that little boy was born and I absolutely adore him and not just because he's hers. As I said, it's unlikely I will be able to have children now and as far as I'm concerned he's my son. The problem is I don't trust her to keep it that way but I truly

do love him, I pick him up from school, I go to parents evenings, I take him out to places on my own, it's not just an excuse to see her. Sadly it's just adding to the pain but I can't walk away from him although I'm wondering if I should but he thinks I'm his daddy, I can't bare to break his heart.

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That's not fair mate, I was there the second that little boy was born and I absolutely adore him and not just because he's hers. As I said, it's unlikely I will be able to have children now and as far as I'm concerned he's my son. The problem is I don't trust her to keep it that way but I truly do love him, I pick him up from school, I go to parents evenings, I take him out to places on my own, it's not just an excuse to see her. Sadly it's just adding to the pain but I can't walk away from him although I'm wondering if I should but he thinks I'm his daddy, I can't bare to break his heart.

 

Why can't you co-parent like any other divorced spouse?

 

Mr. Lucky

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Lucky I can't help but feel that you're giving me a bit of a hard time here. I am more than happy to co-parent and I will be in my son's life for as long as she will let me. The problem being, I know what this woman is like and I would bet my last penny that at some point she will decide to take him away from me because she will be so in love with the idea of the new situation she's in.

 

I stuck by her when she was pregnant knowing that the baby probably wasn't mine, I was there when he was born and have been there for him ever since so I am doing the best I can. Just that I'm very mindful this can all be snatched away and if it is there's very little I will be able to do about it. I'm a nice guy Lucky although maybe for some reason it hasn't come across that way.

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I didn't sign up here for a pat on the back and a "there there it will all be ok in time" because I've heard plenty of that and I will certainly hold my hands up and say again that I've been naive and have contributed to the mess I'm in by blindly loving a woman who probably never loved me back.

 

I signed up to here to hopefully chat with people who have been through similar situations and to also get some advice on what on earth to do about the situation with my little boy because I honestly am at my wits end trying to figure out the best option.

 

I'm a nice man and a good dad but it's because I'm a good dad that I'm wondering whether or not I should carry on seeing him and I had hoped that had come across in my previous posts.

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Pete,

 

We know she isn't a good GF but....is she a good mother???? If she is, what good mother would take the only father figure away from her child? Would you anticipate that she actually would attempt to replace you with one of her BF's going forward. I would wonder if she is rational enough to have a conversation along the lines of "listen, I know we aren't going to be an item going forward...that being said, I would still like to stay in the boy's life as his father as I am the only father figure he's ever known." Better to have that conversation now than simply have her take him away from you later. BTW, assuming you're in the US, (I don't mean to be presumptive) are you on the birth certificate? Are you concerned that she will use the DNA test against you at a time of visitation rights are established? I think the sooner you speak with a lawyer the better to fully understand where you are and what your rights are in this matter.

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Hi,

 

Firstly no I'm in the UK. I am on the birth certificate but I don't suppose that would count for much on the basis that she could simply say that was a mistake on her part and I'm not the father.

 

Besides, if it came to having to fight through court I wouldn't. Please understand this is not because I don't love my son, it's because I want what's best for him. My wife has been at times dreadful (see original post) and whilst she promises me she will never take him away from me, she's promised me a lot of things over the years and even in the last couple of weeks after we had a row on the phone about her new boyfriend, she threatened to stop me seeing my son. It feels almost inevitable and I truly don't know whether it's best for him if I fight through the courts etc and hopefully get some sort of official time with him or whether he would be better off if I walked away.

 

It's so sad because he's lovely, but I know if I'm not around he will grow up to be just like his mum and that's such a waste of a lovely little boy who right now only sees the good in the world

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Pete.

 

This woman is a nightmare and you help her with it.

 

Do you know that people who have healthy relationships do so because they cut the rubbish like this out of their lives....

 

You don't need us. You need Jeremy Kyle or something crass like that.

 

You seem to be feeding off of this drama.

 

Sort your life out and cut this one off. I know you like the kid and all but you really need to sack up and sort yourself out.

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Pete.

 

This woman is a nightmare and you help her with it.

 

Do you know that people who have healthy relationships do so because they cut the rubbish like this out of their lives....

 

You don't need us. You need Jeremy Kyle or something crass like that.

 

You seem to be feeding off of this drama.

 

Sort your life out and cut this one off. I know you like the kid and all but you really need to sack up and sort yourself out.

 

Or maybe I hate the drama, I hate what this woman has done to me and I'm utterly, utterly broken? I never wanted any of this, I'm quiet and I'm nice. This was never how I thought my life would pan out. There were odd times when she would act like a normal, loving person and I clung on to those and hoped for years she would change.

 

Apologies if my posting here has annoyed anyone, sadly it's the story of my life that nobody can understand how I've put up with so much and not walked away which is only adding the shocking amount of loneliness I'm feeling at the minute.

If you knew me personally, you'd know how far away from the people who end up on Jeremy Kyle I am in terms of personality. I ended up on here because I had nowehere else to turn.

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I didn't sign up here for a pat on the back and a "there there it will all be ok in time" because I've heard plenty of that and I will certainly hold my hands up and say again that I've been naive and have contributed to the mess I'm in by blindly loving a woman who probably never loved me back.

 

I signed up to here to hopefully chat with people who have been through similar situations and to also get some advice on what on earth to do about the situation with my little boy because I honestly am at my wits end trying to figure out the best option.

 

I'm a nice man and a good dad but it's because I'm a good dad that I'm wondering whether or not I should carry on seeing him and I had hoped that had come across in my previous posts.

 

she's.an.alcoholic.

 

go for full custody. doesn't matter bio or not. he's better off with you. you just have to prove it. which should be easy as im sure your own brother and former roommates would be willing to verify what she gets up to when she's drunk.

 

she's a bad influence on her child.

 

get him from her.

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I have thought and thought about custody. I don't know if I would win, I suspect given the biology and the fact that he's been with his mum all his life, I wouldn't. I don't want to put the little man through that but then again....he's amazing and whilst I'm far from perfect I know he would turn out to be a decent person because he is even now. The last time I saw him he asked me why mummy was always so horrible to me. Broke my heart but I just about managed to hold it together till he said "Daddy, I'm going to tell mummy that she has got to be nice to you now". I told him in the nicest way that things were just different now and that the best thing was for me and him to have fun together but for him not to say anything because grown ups sometimes fall out but that everything was OK. His response: " yeah but daddy if I tell her to stop being nasty to you then she can shout at me and not you for once". At that point, I got something stuck in my eye.

 

I don't know if anyone here who's in the UK can help with some basic legal advice just to point me in the right direction or at least give me a brief (no pun intended, sorry it's been a long day) idea of where I stand? Much appreciated if anyone can help. I don't want to put my son through a ****storm with courts etc if nothing is going to happen and I'm likely to be told I have no right to see him at all but if there's a chance of being told I can have a meaningful role in his life I will give it everything I've got.

 

Cheers again guys.

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are you listed as his father on his birth certificate? do you know his bio father? can he help you?

 

it might be enough to just ask her if you can have more time with him. crouch it in the terms of wanting to help out?

 

the life she lives and all the crap she gets up to, who needs a child slowing her down?

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I don't know if anyone here who's in the UK can help with some basic legal advice just to point me in the right direction or at least give me a brief (no pun intended, sorry it's been a long day) idea of where I stand? Much appreciated if anyone can help. I don't want to put my son through a ****storm with courts etc if nothing is going to happen and I'm likely to be told I have no right to see him at all but if there's a chance of being told I can have a meaningful role in his life I will give it everything I've got.

 

Cheers again guys.

Go and see and solicitor, many do free consultations.

As you are on the birth certificate as the father, then the law will be on your side.

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I am on the birth certificate. What I don't know is how much that would count for if she was to tell a court I am not the biological father. Would they order a Dna test? If so it would obviously come back the same as the previous one and then where do I stand? I just want to be there every single morning noon and night for him but I'm scared to death I'm going to end up without any rights whatsoever.

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No mate I stuck around all that time because there's something in her that occasionally shines through. She's had a crap life especially before I met her in terms of her god awful family and yet at times she has amazed me with how she can be absolutely wonderful. Kind, caring and more than anything, have me the feeling that together we could have done absolutely anything we wanted to. Sadly, I think reverting to type is essentially what's happened. She's had little to no love from her close relatives and she's been so cold hearted at times it destroyed me but it was those moments that I clung to. Yeah I think she's gorgeous but that's a natural feeling to have toward your wife and was only one of many reasons I both fell for her and stayed as long as I did.

 

Anyone reading my story will think I'm stupid and as one person replied, I just wanted the drama and needed Jeremy Kyle but truly there was something mind blowing there at times, just clearly not enough for her to behave like a reasonable person.

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I am on the birth certificate. What I don't know is how much that would count for if she was to tell a court I am not the biological father. Would they order a Dna test? If so it would obviously come back the same as the previous one and then where do I stand? I just want to be there every single morning noon and night for him but I'm scared to death I'm going to end up without any rights whatsoever.

 

Wouldn't that be worth the small investment in an initial consultation with a lawyer? Since you obviously want to be a part of his life, best to move beyond conjecture and free online advice. After years of wandering in the wilderness, time for a plan...

 

Mr. Lucky

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