Revenge or not revenge is the ?

[hurtsoul]

Hello,

 

My wife and I have been together for 9 years married the last 2.5. When we got married I changed careers and all was fine until the last 6-8 months. My new career started off hot and now that the market has slowed down my income and time spent working decreased. The stresses of my career took its toll on our relationship - this overwhelming stress put me in dark place that I shut out everyone living under the same roof. I knew what I needed to do just didn't have a passion for life (not suicidal). My wife felt like I didn't love her anymore and I guess it created a perfect storm for her infidelity. I know that my dark hole added to the current situation but does't valid her infidelity.

 

My wife is a dispatcher and the OM is cop. He started pursuing her non stop and slowly started to build a friendship. First let me add that wife suffers from depression. When her father got sick and needed to leave town is when the phone calls and texts to the OM started to escalate. When she returned from out of town the lies for leaving early and staying late for work started. A few days later I gained knowledge that she was talking to another and then there was a light for me to reach out and get out of the dark hole that I was in. I finally was able to open up and told her how the last few months I was depressed and had no passion for life. When I opened up she melted because she didn't see my depression and being a depressed person herself she felt bad that she didn't recognize it and knows how it feels. At this time she said that they were just talking and that he was there for her when her dad was sick and I was void. She said that she would end all communication with him so that we could work on us. Then about week later she was late for an appointment and left her iwatch at home. This is my DDay she was so good covering her tracks but she didnt realize that if you delete messages from your phone they do not instantly delete from the iwatch. I went to messages and found out that they met at a hotel a week earlier for their only encounter. MY LIFE has not been the same since.

 

I left town for a few days trying to grasp my new reality. Day 2 - I wanted to find out about this OM if he really is a good guy or is this his MO. I made contact with an EW and found out this guy is a sociopath and is dangerous. He has had several restraining orders on him in which he violated one in another state before coming a cop. When I relayed this information to my wife for her safety she noted that she has seen signs of a sociopath - the non stop love bombing, soulmate quotes basically worshiping the ground she walks on. She then asked me to come home and work on us. The night that I returned she sent him an email stating that she wants no further contact from him: email,phone calls,text messages or in person. Her next work day I had a funny feeling in my gut that I needed to show up before she gets off to make sure all is ok. Sure enough he shows up to talk to her after work and I confronted him. He of course tried to play it off - I told him I know everything even the hotel. I asked him if he received the email about NC and he said yes I asked him 3 more times and he said yes I told you that already. I stated your a cop here is the situation a women sends an email of no contact and then you are here to see her in person, this is a harassment. He stated that he needed to here the NC from her in person. I said no I am here to protect her from you because she is afraid of the current situation. I told him that he has ****ed with the wrong family. I told him that I know all about his previous restraining orders and promised him that if he contacts my wife again outside of work that I will take this info to the media - I don't think that the public would be happy to hear that this is a guy hired to serve and protect the public with his history. (How he became a cop with previous restraining orders and a DUI is beyond my comprehension). I told him that "I know that this job is the only thing you have and now I don't sleep at night because of you, now you won't sleep at night because of me". Then I heard its illegal to threaten an officer, I said its not a threat its a promise you just ****ed with the wrong family. He said that he will stop pursuing while she is married and she has not had any contact outside of work since.

 

Since my wife is a dispatcher there is some work related communication that I am not happy about. She said that she will keep it business and if he tries to have an open conversation she will cut him off and will not engage. After reading the book "How to heal your spouse after your affair" & MC we have progress in our rebuilding. She is remorseful and feels horrible that she did this to us.

 

Now my question: This guy is a sociopath and preys on vulnerable women even if they are married. He pursued my wife until she gave in and now this prick is cop and continues to wreck families in his wake. I want to take this POS down and take everything away from before he destroys more lives. My wife doesnt want me to as it can lead into an investigation down the road. He is also a vet and suffers from PTSD. I know that there may be consequences if I go public but not doing something is tearing me apart. What to do?

 

Thanks,

hurtsoul

[JewelD]

Stop blaming this man. Your wife is a grown woman and she willingly went to that hotel with him. She's not an innocent lamb, she wanted to cheat and so she did.

 

Whatever this man's past is, he didn't harm your wife. At least not enough for her to want to end the affair without you stepping in first.

 

If you go public, you'll do nothing but humiliate yourself even further. It's not against the law for a cop to sleep with someone's wife.

[Marc878]

Turn him in. The public deserves better. It was your wife's primary fault for the affair but he played a part and he is a public servant.

 

His promise is meaningless. All cheaters including your wife lie.

 

If hey have contact the affair will resume.

 

Plus consequences will give you some closure.

[Marc878]

Stop blaming this man. Your wife is a grown woman and she willingly went to that hotel with him. She's not an innocent lamb, she wanted to cheat and so she did.

 

Whatever this man's past is, he didn't harm your wife. At least not enough for her to want to end the affair without you stepping in first.

 

If you go public, you'll do nothing but humiliate yourself even further. It's not against the law for a cop to sleep with someone's wife.

 

it's not against the law but I guarantee you it's against the police forces code of conduct. I've dealt with this before. He needs to be taken out.

[JewelD]

it's not against the law but I guarantee you it's against the police forces code of conduct. I've dealt with this before. He needs to be taken out.

 

Well, if he's supposedly got restraining orders out and they don't care about that, I highly doubt they'll bat an eye at what goes on in his bedroom.

 

and if the cop gets fired, which isn't going to happen anyway, surely his wife would be subject to similar discipline? Is her involvement in this against her job's code of conduct?

 

Nobody goes to jail for cheating. and him sleeping with this man's wife doesn't make him a danger to society as a cop, OP is just mad it happened. If he were a plumber or a school teacher, he'd probably be trying to get him fired from those jobs, too.

 

OP, this will not work out the way you're thinking, trust me. If anything, you'll make things worse. If the situation is really eating you up inside that badly, you should consider separating from your wife for awhile. She's the one who broke her vows.

[Marc878]

Well, if he's supposedly got restraining orders out and they don't care about that, I highly doubt they'll bat an eye at what goes on in his bedroom.

 

and if the cop gets fired, which isn't going to happen anyway, surely his wife would be subject to similar discipline? Is her involvement in this against her job's code of conduct?

 

Nobody goes to jail for cheating. and him sleeping with this man's wife doesn't make him a danger to society as a cop, OP is just mad it happened. If he were a plumber or a school teacher, he'd probably be trying to get him fired from those jobs, too.

 

OP, this will not work out the way you're thinking, trust me. If anything, you'll make things worse. If the situation is really eating you up inside that badly, you should consider separating from your wife for awhile. She's the one who broke her vows.

 

Both would probably get disciplinary actions I'd think. However, it's probably the "tip of the iceberg". Nothing worse than a dirty cop. I think the truth is always best. I've never seen where helping hide an affair especially where it's work place related helps anything.

 

If op and WW really want to work on the marriage it has to be a full no contact with OM. It comes down to is her job worth the marriage?

[Marc878]

At the very least if he's married. Inform his wife.

 

Affairs are addictive if you get the user around the source you will get a relapse.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Marc878

[Marc878]

Since my wife is a dispatcher there is some work related communication that I am not happy about. She said that she will keep it business and if he tries to have an open conversation she will cut him off and will not engage. After reading the book "How to heal your spouse after your affair" & MC we have progress in our rebuilding. She is remorseful and feels horrible that she did this to us.

 

Just so you know what you're up against. We all have issues in marriage. That doesn't allow anyone to just go out and have an affair because of them. Don't be in denial of what your wife did. An affair was a conscious decision, a choice on her part. She lied about this to you. There was no confession. She purposely met up with a man in a hotel to have sex. This takes time and planning on her part.

 

You can make up all the excuse as to why but in the end there are no excuses.

 

Now you're trusting on her to have no contact with him while they work together?

 

I think this scenario is doomed for failure. He's already had a taste and isn't going to back off.

 

Remember one thing. Your wife is a proven liar.

[Satu]

The only person who carries the responsibility for your wife cheating on you, is your wife.

[LancasterAmos1966]

 

 

Hurtsoul, I'm sorry you needed to search out this forum. We are in the same boat with you.

 

We lost our Beloved Bride/Groom just like you have lost yours.

 

Your emotions are raw. And it's hard to believe your lover, best friend, companion, wife had anything to do with this affair.

 

I understand your feelings....I thought the same thing.

 

You probably won't agree, but even if this cop would stop the affair, your wife would find another man in no time.

 

She has made it clear that she wants out. And she is willing to do something very drastic so you won't misunderstand.....but guess what....even having an affair still has you holding on and wanting to protect her.

 

Do NOT take it personal.....but she no longer wants your protection. And I'm sorry to be so blunt, but her actions prove it.

 

Yes, take the blame where blame is due, but you could have been an Ace, a 1 of-a-kind husband and she still would have sought out another relationship.

 

There are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.....please do not get stuck in one of the stages because you can really go on to stand tall again and enjoy life.

 

I'm not suggesting that you lay down and let your wife walk all over you, but letting her go with a hand shake and thanking her for sharing 9 years with you will go a long way towards your recovery.

 

Think about the 5 stages above, read the comments/stories on here. Having revenge or trying expose a cheater really doesn't help you.

 

What they are both doing is morally wrong, but not criminal. And if you stalk them to see if he is breaking any law, that still is not going to get your wife back into your arms.

 

Getting to the Acceptance Stage should be your primary goal, not revenge.

Edited August 29, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966
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