After my deployment husband of 17 years wants time to think?

[AFLady]

After been deploy the only think I wanted to do is to come back home to my family. I was pick up at the airport by my family and felt so happy but my husband was not the same distant and sad. Once we made it home he broke the news to me that he didn't fell the same and need it time. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from my loving husband from 17 years. It felt like it was a nightmare, that night couldn't sleep and was lost for words. As the days went on he decided to tell me how is feelings have change and that I will always be in his heart but now that he has tasted freedom he thought that he wanted that. Since that day I have lived in a roll a coaster of emotions going from depression to anxiety. This hurts so much, I can't still believe this is happening to us. We were always best friends and always work hard to put the well being of our family first. We were a team. I would admit that the last year have been a struggle juggling work, kids and getting ready for deployment. I just thought that our bond was tougher and could have survived this last deployment. I was so wrong. He still can't believe I have crumble to this and said to me that he didn't wanted to caused me any pain, he thought that I didn't care that much for him and I was stronger than this. I have tried to be the woman that I was before but this has broken me. A week ago I had a feeling and decided to check his phone and there it was in black and white texts from someone else, I confronted him and he admitted of having an affair but he still maintains until today that it was a mistake and not going to her. I'm confused, hurt but still love him and long for the life once we had. My kids are destroy and heartbroken. I'm trying hard to come out from this but it has been the toughest thing ever. My family or co-workers don't know anything and just hope that I can keep the strong front for my kids. Since then he has move to a friends house and that has hurt even more. We have talked about separation but he said he never asked for a divorce which I have brought up. One of my kids is so destroy that would not even speak to him. I fell so thorn because after all he gave me 16 years of a good marriage. Just need to find a way of keeping myself together without becoming angry or bitter because we don't deserve to end up hating each other. I have decided to post this in here in a way to vent off my hurt and hopefully with some advice this can become tolerable.

Thanks for any advice.

[Jeff1690]

I posted this in response to your reply on my thread. Just thought I would move it here. Again so sorry you are having to deal with this:

 

AFLady, so sorry to hear this. Deployments can be relationship killers. I know having been on both sides of deployment both being deployed and be the dependent at home. I will say it is extra hard on a husband with a deployed wife. Especially knowing every man on the FOB is hitting on your wife.

 

People gossip and lie and word gets back home. Also when one getting ready to deploy builds up some emotional walls to distance themselves so they can get the mission done while deployed. My wife did this but the sad thing is the walls never came down. If anything the got thicker and higher.

 

Not sure if you wish to remain married or not. I don't know how long you have till you retire but other deployments are possible. Now with knowing he was unfaithful during your last one, mentally it will possibly tear you apart on your next one. Unless you go to counseling and get the marriage straight if you want to so you can be ready next time.

[Marc878]

Cheaters lie, hide and deceive. Your husband was and is in an affair. He's leaving you for her. Make no mistake.

 

If you want to try and salvage this you will need to go full exposure. Him/her family, friends, work. No warning.

 

You see affairs only thrive in the secret and dark. Shine a bright light on it and see what you get. This usually ends the affair,

 

Don't be afraid of pushing him away. He's already gone. You have nothing to lose. They didn't mind destroying your life, future or family did they?

 

Your fear is your biggest enemy at this time. Get strong and stay there.

[AFLady]

Thank you for your words. I guess the thoughest think in all of this is loosing your best friend. For me the affair hurts but what it hurst most is knowing that it was so easy just for him to take me out from his heart with no warning and now the kids are aldo affected. It hurst that I couldn't provide a stable environment to my stepson for his leave after deployment. We were deploy at the same time but he really need it some stability after his deployment he is a marine and had been in combat. I just fell like I haven't provided emotional stability to my family because of my emotional distress. Talking in here is helping me say things that otherwise I wouldn't.

Thank you

[Marc878]

Cut out the blaming yourself. We all have issues and are not perfect. But you didn't go out and become a cheating liar did you?

[AFLady]

No I didn't. With all honesty I wasn't expecting this kind of response. Everyone copes different and obviously for you things are black or white. But for me is different, I believe all of us make mistakes and not because we make them make us bad people. But anyways thank you for your input.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

No I didn't. With all honesty I wasn't expecting this kind of response. Everyone copes different and obviously for you things are black or white. But for me is different, I believe all of us make mistakes and not because we make them make us bad people. But anyways thank you for your input.

 

It's OK to look at yourself and your mistakes to make yourself a better person. But it is simple fact that having faults doesn't cause another person to cheat and lie and sneak around behind your back. Not only is that hurting you, but it's hurting your family. Think of it this way, if your issues were deal breakers for him, what is the respectful way of handling this? Lying and going behind your back cheating and being unfaithful, or telling you of the issues and being honest and up front with his emotions ending it with you first then moving on? This is a character issue with HIM not you. I would even venture to say his relationships with his children would be one of understanding and it wouldn't hurt their relationships. Unlike cheating on their mother and treating you like dirt. Which obviously is going to cause them to hate him for a while, maybe even forever. You see the difference? Not only did his actions hurt you it hurt his entire family. It would probably hurt his mother, father, siblings, friends... And it most likely will once they all find out.

 

I'm not saying he is a bad person, but he's certainly made one of the worst choices of his life that will have a negative effect on nearly all of his relationships. Including the one he started with this other woman. It won't work out for them, because she won't ever trust him. She already knows he's a cheater after all

[AFLady]

Thank you for the words. Sometimes is difficult to see the actions of people for what they are when you are emotionally invested. I can see and understand your point of view. It has been difficult for me to realize that he has done this, I'm still in disbelief that after so many good years of marriage this is happening to us. Is difficult to switch gears specially when this just happen but I appreciate your words. I hope that soon I can see more clearly and use better judgement.

 

Thank you!

[Jeff1690]

AFLady

It has been difficult for me to realize that he has done this, I'm still in disbelief that after so many good years of marriage this is happening to us. Is difficult to switch gears specially when this just happen

Like you my marriage was damn good for over 20 years. Having your best friend suddenly turn to someone else and walk away from you is mind numbing. I have my days where I am totally down. Those days however are becoming fewer and fewer.

 

I am staying positive as I can. I have focused on myself. At first I did the pick me dance with her and that never works. I have focused on my physical well being and that has helped me to stay more positive about myself.

 

Like you the "Why?" question just stayed in my mind. Now I am focusing on living my life to the fullest. My divorce will be final probably on a month and a half. Once I am in my cabin I am going to push her as far from my mind as possible. I am going to make her see me live my life happily without her and then she can sit back and think why.

 

Get your butt to the base gym. I am taking from your name you are Air Force. AF has awesome physical health facilities, use the crap out of them. Get with your chain of command let your first sergeant and crew chief (or whatever you guys call them) know what is going on. That way if your performance starts lagging they will be able to help you and support you. Go to the base chaplin.

 

Serve his butt divorce papers. Heck if you really want him to reap what he has sowed notify his chain of command about his actions. There is a lot of infidelity in the Corps both with the service member and spouses due to field ops, floats, and deployments. Does not excuse it and from my experience in the Corps his command will not be pleased with his actions. Adultery I believe is still against the UCMJ.

 

Take care of yourself AFLady and remember the old AF motto Aim High

[Marc878]

No I didn't. With all honesty I wasn't expecting this kind of response. Everyone copes different and obviously for you things are black or white. But for me is different, I believe all of us make mistakes and not because we make them make us bad people. But anyways thank you for your input.

 

You are correct but an affair is not a mistake. It's a decision or choice that you make willfully and consciously. They just don't happen.

 

However, a bad choice foes not necessarily mean a person is bad either. The point I was trying to make is this had nothing to do with you at all. It was a choice your H had made. It was not a mistake.

[AFLady]

AFLady

 

 

Like you the "Why?" question just stayed in my mind. Now I am focusing on living my life to the fullest. My divorce will be final probably on a month and a half. Once I am in my cabin I am going to push her as far from my mind as possible. I am going to make her see me live my life happily without her and then she can sit back and think why.

 

Thank you for the advise, talking about my problem with other people that are going through the same has allow me to even leaving the question of why alone and accepting that things happen. The why was killing me but now I understand that I don't need to know. I just need to do the best I can to cope and move on.

 

Get your butt to the base gym. I am taking from your name you are Air Force. AF has awesome physical health facilities, use the crap out of them. Get with your chain of command let your first sergeant and crew chief (or whatever you guys call them) know what is going on. That way if your performance starts lagging they will be able to help you and support you. Go to the base chaplin.

I know the gym is the only thing that has keep me sane in this past weeks, just like you I know I have to put myself first. I have also started spending more time with my girls and building a stronger bond with them.

 

Does not excuse it and from my experience in the Corps his command will not be pleased with his actions. Adultery I believe is still against the UCMJ.

I think you got confused with my previous post but the one in the marines is my stepson. My husband is not in the military anymore. I have consulted with a lawyer and probably what I'm going to do is filed for separation so in that way when I have the money I need for the divorce that time can count, under adultery it will take me 3 months to get divorce which is great because I want to put this painful chapter of my life behind and move on.

Thank you so much for all your advice and words it has helped a lot to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[Marc878]

Filing as quick as you can will get you out of limbo quicker. Most are to weak in the beginning to pull that trigger.

 

Sorry you're here

[Marc878]

It seems like you get this quicker than most.

 

The ones who get strong and stay there come out of these situations faster and better off.

 

You can't fix him but you can make yourself better.

[AFLady]

It seems like you get this quicker than most.

 

The ones who get strong and stay there come out of these situations faster and better off.

 

You can't fix him but you can make yourself better.

 

 

I'm trying hard to put this behind me because if I stay longer in this limbo is going to drive me insane and make me doubt my decision. This site has help me to stay strong, talking to others had been so helpful.

Thank you for the feedback.

[Marc878]

 

 

I'm trying hard to put this behind me because if I stay longer in this limbo is going to drive me insane and make me doubt my decision. This site has help me to stay strong, talking to others had been so helpful.

Thank you for the feedback.

 

YW, I wish you well. Your life will be what you make it. I think you'll find you don't need him as much as you thought. Yep, it won't be easy upfront but you'll get there. You have a great attitude around this. I'm very impressed.