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Rough times.


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So here is the just of my situation. Several months ago wife and I had a fight over Easter. We went out to dinner and she seamed very distant. She talked about getting a tattoo, really unlike her. Got home and all she wanted to do was play on her phone, nothing really new there. Anyway I got pissed and slept downstairs for 2 days we didn't speak. The third night I tried to apologise for my behavior. Her reply was she didn't want to be together any more.

 

I was crushed and didn't understand what the hell was happening. We have 3 kids 12,7,2. I asked what about the kids. Reply was "what about them". She then started sleeping on the couch downstairs. We went on my daughters school trip and I found her on dating websites. I was in disbelief, she said it was nothing. I was just crushed. She said she would stop but never did. Even opened new account on other dating sites. She used my tablet and left one of them open. Weeks went by finally got her to go to councling. She went with me never spoke a full sentence. The second visit the councillor pointed out some things she needed to work on and she flipped out and never went back. I am still going to councling.

 

She said she would stay off of the dating sites but she would be up all night texting, while at baseball games and driving with the kids. Phone records proved this. Finally she wanted to go see this heavy metal band she has been listening too(she's 38), usually listens too chrishten rock and country. This whole time she stopped cleaning and cooking. She was one with the furniture. Never did anything with the kids. Just nothing. So none of her friends would go with her to the concert she asked me. I agreed to go with her. The night before she said she needed to go to target. She actually went to best buy and bought another phone. That night told her I was not going with her. She offered sex and everything. I declined to go.

 

Next day I filled for divorce. Two weeks later she got papers and seems surprised. She stayed in the house for another 2 months showing up when ever and not helping do anything. Washing her clothes any 10pm keeping me awake. She didn't have a lawyer because she was blowing all of her money and taking out cash advance loans. So she finally got a lawyer. We had a date her and the lawyer didn't show. I was pissed. So finally got her lawyer on the phone . The had an temporary custody already written up 50/ 50 one week with me one with her . But primary residents with me for kids school. And she had 30 days to get the he'll out. I had to take it or she might have never gotten out of the house. If a continuation was granted I would be another month and a half before we could go.back

 

So this past Monday I found condoms in her van and she got up with hickeys on her neck. I told her to get her whore ass out of my house . She has till.monday to be gone. Just the level of disrespect is amazing

Her reply on the condoms was they went open yet. I took my kids and took off work until she is out of the house. We would have been married 13years in November. She has been lying about our financial stuff for years. I'm just so hurt by all of this. They fact that she spends like no time with the kids is unbaliveable. Her selfishness is unheard of. Hooking up with other guys and staying in the house hurts . My only concern has been for my kids and myself this whole time. I have never stepped out of the relationship, I told her this and replied with do you want a cookie. I want sole custody of my kids and I'm scared about losing. If she was a good mother it might be different. When I come home from work and there is no dinner made and the kids are eating potato chips and junk food and 630 is justmind blowing. I always have to clean bathrooms and mop floors. Sometimes she will help but complains about doing it or just takes forever doing it.

 

So who ever have her the hickeys one her neck is who she is staying with until she can find a place. We have a no person of the opposite sex can stay the night while that parent has the kids. All I want is to raise my kids by myself, I don't need her, she can she them at baseball games and take them some weekends but they do not needs to live with her. She is a financial mes, lazy and unorganized. Her can van is always full of trash from front to back. I can give the kids the structure and education they deserve, on my own. I'm not looking for another relationship. I just want to raise my kids and I'm so scared I won't be able to. If I was an abusive drunk or something like that I could understand. I'm a hard working, caring person. I am not perfect by any means

Just scared and can't believe she's already hooked up.witj someone. Probably not the only one she has.

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Gr8fuln2020

Good for you to get the divorce and get her out. Your kids need you and frankly, based on what you've shared, I am worried about your children while with their mother. GOod luck.

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Next day I filled for divorce.

 

Does this mean you have a lawyer?

 

So who ever have her the hickeys one her neck is who she is staying with until she can find a place. We have a no person of the opposite sex can stay the night while that parent has the kids. All I want is to raise my kids by myself, I don't need her, she can she them at baseball games and take them some weekends but they do not needs to live with her. She is a financial mes, lazy and unorganized. Her can van is always full of trash from front to back. I can give the kids the structure and education they deserve, on my own. I'm not looking for another relationship. I just want to raise my kids and I'm so scared I won't be able to. If I was an abusive drunk or something like that I could understand. I'm a hard working, caring person. I am not perfect by any means

Just scared and can't believe she's already hooked up.witj someone. Probably not the only one she has.

 

Other may weigh in but I'd be tempted to accept 50/50 with you having physical custody just to get things started and her on her way. You can always carefully document and look to modify if/when she screws up. You'll also have to accept the reality of divorce, you don't get to set conditions when she has the kids. Sad but true.

 

Welcome to Loveshack, sorry it's under these circumstances...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I feel your pain. I just fond out wife of 23 years has been cheating on me for a year. Great marriage and love life up to last year. Guess I fat dumb and happy not to realize what was going on.

 

I hate you have little ones and have to raise them by yourself. Thank goodness mine are in college. My 20 year old is full of anger. Said for a woman who always talks about loyalty and honesty she is nothing but a hypocrite. Says she has chose her job and other man over husband, sons and if she wants to live her life down south good enjoy it. He is done with her.

 

I have told him our problems are not those of his brother's and his. She is his mother. and for years was a great one till her career took off. got to figure out how to at least keep him in a relationship with his mother. I hate what she did to me but he needs to keep the contact or I think it will do more damage than good.

 

Pay attention to the advice here. I was told from day one an affair was in the works and just didn't want to believe it until I started digging. Didn't take three hours to have over four hundred pages of texts and phone calls and phone owners names and address. Sucks sucks sucks. and is earth shattering.

 

lots of folks here who have suffered as we have they will help you get through it.

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Jeff I'm sorry to hear about you situation too. Divorce is terrible, i just cant believe people can't work things out. She kept lots of things to herself, feelings,thoughts and financial stuff. She Never wanted to discuss anything. Communication and trust are key components to a strong relationship, lies and selfishness will destroy all .I never in my life thought I would be in this situation. I retained a lawyer about a week after she said she didn't want to stay together. The 50/50 temporary custody is in effect. Neither one of us are paying the other one any money. I am paying for my youngest child's day care. But for the past 3 months it's like I have had full custody of them even with her staying in the house. Sometime she stays with them at my oldest sons baseball practice, several time never showed up.

All I want is to keep the kids with me . She can see them whenever but she doesn't need to raise them. Her discipline is yelling at them and taking away toy or games , then gives them back like 5 minutes later. I come home from work work and everyone is eating chips and playing games or watching tv. I'm still trying to deal with this pain inside. 13 years married and in a matter of months she's sleeping around. Not every day is a bad one but most are pretty emotional. I just keep doing the best I can. Hopeful she will be gone by Monday and still leave me some furniture.

 

P.S the kids never ask were she is.

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She is in a fantasy li and right now. It's the perfect time for you to get favorable terms. The kids don't matter to her so maybe Go for full custody and play it as she can enjoy a single life better, etc. Fastrack this before she wakes up.

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I told her from the beginning to let me have the kids and she can go live the single life, you can see them when ever but they stay with me.Reply was nope. It's just crap. Now she said she got approved for a 2 bedroom apartment, with three kids every other week. I have a 4 bedroom house and she is moving about 15 to 20 miles away. She is going to have to get the kids up early as hell to get them to school. I agree she is in a fantasy. She is nothinking about the kids. I want to push for full custody but I'm scared that it might not work out. I have tons of evidence against her. I just don't know if it's enough.

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I told her from the beginning to let me have the kids and she can go live the single life, you can see them when ever but they stay with me.Reply was nope. It's just crap. Now she said she got approved for a 2 bedroom apartment, with three kids every other week. I have a 4 bedroom house and she is moving about 15 to 20 miles away. She is going to have to get the kids up early as hell to get them to school. I agree she is in a fantasy. She is nothinking about the kids. I want to push for full custody but I'm scared that it might not work out. I have tons of evidence against her. I just don't know if it's enough.

 

So what? You can at least try.

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I told her from the beginning to let me have the kids and she can go live the single life, you can see them when ever but they stay with me.Reply was nope. It's just crap. Now she said she got approved for a 2 bedroom apartment, with three kids every other week. I have a 4 bedroom house and she is moving about 15 to 20 miles away. She is going to have to get the kids up early as hell to get them to school. I agree she is in a fantasy. She is nothinking about the kids. I want to push for full custody but I'm scared that it might not work out. I have tons of evidence against her. I just don't know if it's enough.

 

Talk to an attorney as soon as possible if you haven't already.

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I do, he said I have a good chance. Just depends on how the judge sees everything . I have never stepped out of the relationship and have been there for my kids. I am a hard working honest person. We fought a lot about money and her never helping around the house. Found out she was lying about finances, and that is why we didn't have any money. I know I will be better of without her , and I know I did the right thing by filling. But the right now hurts, just knowing she is seeing someone else. I have been patient and holding my toung through this whole thing to not give up anything.

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I never in my life thought I would be in this situation.

 

really...? NEVER? like EVER?

 

If she was a good mother it might be different. When I come home from work and there is no dinner made and the kids are eating potato chips and junk food and 630 is justmind blowing. I always have to clean bathrooms and mop floors. Sometimes she will help but complains about doing it or just takes forever doing it.

 

Her discipline is yelling at them and taking away toy or games , then gives them back like 5 minutes later. I come home from work work and everyone is eating chips and playing games or watching tv.

 

so i assume ALL of the above just happened... overnight? if it didn't - how come you were okay with it for THIRTEEN YEARS and now... SUDDENLY -- it's a problem? what, she wasn't a bad mother five years ago...? was her parenting style different back then...? how come it didn't bother you THEN? you didn't notice her parenting style on the first kid so you went to have the other two?

 

I don't need her.

 

...but she doesn't need to raise them.

 

^^^ you're doing a blatant parental alienation and using those kids as a weapon against their own mother. YOU don't need her but the KIDS do. what YOU need or don't need isn't relevant. you being faithful also isn't relevant when it comes to custody. she is their mother and she has every right to raise them, just like you do. you're seeking revenge on her by taking the children away from her and turning her into some kind of guest in her own children's lives -- the two sentences above are not something a GOOD father says, sorry. additionally - your children don't ask about her and you say it like it's a GOOD thing...? why aren't you reacting?! why aren't you calling up every single therapist in the country and recognizing it as a problem?!

 

if the kids end up with you, you're not going to let her see them EVER. and you know it, she knows it -- and that's exactly why she denied your proposal about you having primary custody.

Edited by minimariah
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Yes the parenting has been a problem for a long time. It's nothing new. I have just ignored it for a long time and just stepped in to take over the fights between the kids or them being disrespectful. If there were problems with the kids while I wasent there she would wait for me to come home and tell me to do something about it. I would NEVER not let her spend time with the kids. She is their mother and will be forever. She is not the most sanitary person, her van is always full of trash. Goes shopping and just leaves stuff in the bags for days, after i relatively ask her to put up her stuff. I always have to clean up after her. She was not brought up in a clean stable environment . If she has had the kids I am afraid of the conditions they will be in. I am always the one who cleans up bathrooms and mops floors ( kids help). She helped sometimes but it is such a hassle to get her to. She was content playing on Facebook or something. Now it's dating websites and being out all night. She has never asked since this has been going on to do anything with the kids. Waite yes she did , she took my daughter out and bought her lots of toys she didn't need and took her to meet some guy she was talking to, then she took her to Florida for a week to see her family. When she is home with them, she's on her phone while they are off playing games or tv. Even before this I would take them on hikes and go out and do something. I hate internet, social media all that crap. But it can be helpful if not abused. I never had a Facebook account until last month.

 

I turned a blind eye to lots of the problems we hadI am still going to councling every week. I had asked several times for her to let me take the kids. She didn't want me to take them (never gave a reason). I finally just took them and they talked with the councillor by them self for 20min. They were glad that I took them. I told her afterward and she didn't seam to care. Don't know why she made a huge deal about it. They felt better knowing that if they had feeling or something that they couldn't talk to me or her about I would take them to councling. Her only concern the past 4 months is having trting to find other guys.She is always on her phone or watching tv. Right now her only concern is finding other relationship. Her dad did the same cap to her mom not long after we meet.Got on the internet found someone and bailed out. The kids are not on her priority list. I wish she would spend time with them. i don't understand.

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Seems like she's having some sort of 'mid-life crisis'.

 

If I was her I'd go see a councilor or something, doesn't seem 100% right in the head at the moment.

 

Anyway good for you on the divorce, you're doing whats best for the kids and they'll appreciate you for it in the future, trust me.

 

You deserve better than her and remember "don't cry over someone who wouldn't cry over you".

 

Best of luck.

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Thanks, that is what I thought when all of this started ,now I don't know what is going on. She she went to councling with me only two times. I begged her to go see someone by herself. She feels like nothing is wrong with her. i tried to reconcile but she just had no intention to.

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I retained a lawyer about a week after she said she didn't want to stay together.

 

Follow his advice, stick to the plan. Think long term, don't get caught up in the moment despite her provocation. This is about keeping your cool while drama plays out around you, not the easiest thing to do...

 

Mr. Lucky

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