The longest journey...

[clefairy]

(Very long)

I'm not really sure where to start.

 

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I love his family and he loves mine. We bought a house a few years ago, just a little starter home, but for the first time in my life, I had a home. We adopted two amazing dogs and life had been great.

 

Although, looking back, it wasn't really that great. I had never realized "true love is blind" would be so damn accurate in my life. He was controlling and grumpy, I was the happy go-lucky wife, always going with the flow. It became my job to cater to his feelings, to make sure he was happy, and to do what he said. But I accepted those as his flaws - it was marriage, after all, and I loved him so much.

 

In the process I lost myself. I didn't know that until I left him a few weeks ago.

 

The gist of things: he gets angry, violent, and it scares me. He's thrown fits, held me down on the couch with his legs (I am very small), kicked me off the couch/bed, kicked our dog, punched holes in walls, threw a wine glass at my head, and many other things that keep bubbling to the surface. The straw that broke the camel's back was just a few weeks ago. I don't want to go into details, but he took my phone/laptop, blocked me from leaving the room, cornered me in a bathroom where I tried to escape to, and then beat the **** out of our bedroom door.

 

Anyway, he had convinced me this was all normal, you know? He had explained things rationally to me the next day, after ruining our bedroom door, the reasons why he did what he did. I apologized. Yes, you heard me, I apologized. He told me it was "normal" for couples to go through this. They all do. I was being convinced... again. I let him come home. We slept in the same bed.

 

But the power of the internet is so strong. I took it to an anonymous reddit post the next day and laid out most of the details there. "Abuse" "Manipulation" "Leave now" and several other things that made my eyes wide. Was this truly abuse? Not my loving, caring, handsome, and charming husband? Not the man I vowed to be with for forever? Not the man who tickled my belly when I had cramps, or made me soup when I felt sick?

 

I packed up some clothes and went to my mom's house 3 weeks ago. I've finished 2 therapy sessions on my own and I am healing. Growing. But most of all, I'm learning about my situation. He needs help and I can't help him, and he refuses to go to therapy.

 

I'm 25, married for 2 years, and facing an impending divorce. I'm heart broken, alone, stressed, and so many other things my head can't keep up with it. Is this truly what my life has become?

 

I'm reaching out here because, quite frankly, I feel like I have no one to talk to other than my therapist. My friends don't quite understand (even though they are trying) and my mother, is well, my mother.. haha! So she's a bit biased in the whole situation. I hope documenting all of this will help me see things more clearly.

[standtall]

clefairy...you're alone in this.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. It is not your fault...I'll say it again..it's not your fault. I have been married for many years and I rarely advocate divorce, but physical abuse is an absolute reason to get divorced...nobody should ever be in fear of physical harm. You are doing the right thing and can do much better than him. I have to go now, but I will post more later.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm 25, married for 2 years, and facing an impending divorce. I'm heart broken, alone, stressed, and so many other things my head can't keep up with it. Is this truly what my life has become?

 

My Dad used to tell me "When faced with an array of choices, pick the hardest one. That's how you'll know it's the right thing to do".

 

And so it is for you, simply because you have to fight through embarrassment, longing, disappointment, inconvenience and the feeling you failed at marriage.

 

And yet it's indeed the right thing to do. Besides you physical safety and sanity, you can't get your H to a better place. That's on him if he chooses to do. Keep posting, let us know how it goes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[standtall]

clefairy...i just reread my post...I meant to say your not alone. There are many good voices here help you through.

 

You are not a failure...you're young, wisely recognized this bad behavior, and you're doing something about it. You do not have to settle for this guy,,,just based on your original post, you sound intelligent, chose your words well, and made very good points...humor when needed. You can do better than him.

 

Circle your wagons, get an attorney..do not try to divorce without one, separate your finances and don't let him change your mind...leave the marriage.

[clefairy]

Thank you both for the kind words.

 

Some days I hurt so much more than others. Last night was rough, but this morning I was able to stomach a donut and some coffee that my mom brought to my work.

 

I've been reading lots of threads and I'm feeling a bit less lonely.

[clefairy]

Yesterday he texted me and asked me what I wanted to do.

 

I called him on the way home from work and told him that I wanted to end our marriage. I was shaking, nervous, but I felt like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. He told me that he would go to individual therapy after I said that, and I encouraged him to do it, but it would not save our marriage.

 

It has been 4 weeks since I left the house... and he finally tells me he wants therapy on the day that I told him I wanted a divorce? I have had 3 therapy appointments so far and I'm HEALING.

 

He was very calm about all of it, respectful actually, of my decision. I guess he had realized that it was over when I left the house (not something I would have ever done). He's agreed to let me have the house and to keep the dogs. It feels so bittersweet. It hurts that it's finally come to this, something so permanent and final, but I have to make the decision that's best for ME. He is too unhealthy for my personal well being.

[KBarletta]

Was this truly abuse?

 

Yes, it was, and good for you for getting out. I know it is heartbreaking, and I feel for you. There is nothing (aside maybe from the death of a loved one) that I've ever experienced that is harder.

 

The good news is this: You've taken the first (and maybe hardest) step by getting out, and making it clear to him that this is it. Also, you have no children, which would only make it harder, and you are young enough, at 25, to start over, find a suitable loving partner, and build a new life that will work better for you.

 

It took a lot of courage to do what you did, and there is a lot of hard work, heartbreak, uncertainty and emotion ahead. But you are not alone. At the very least, you have your family and friends, you have your therapist, you have the people on this board. We are all here for you, and there is a tremendous amount of good advice here.

 

I wish you luck, and keep posting.

 

KTB

[clefairy]

Just wanted to make a post to let you all know how I am doing! Or maybe for those lurkers who went through a similar situation. These threads have helped me tremendously and I am still on them everyday.

 

I am still in the process of refinancing my house. I've been a bit overwhelmed - just getting used to being alone in the house, figuring out the sprinkling system for the lawn, and a bunch of other small things. I'm sure it will get better with time.

 

My ex and I don't talk much, and I suppose us not having had children was a blessing in disguise. He texted my stepdad to ask if I had "cheated" on him last week, which sort of crumbled down my walls a little (he asked my stepdad?! what?!), and I've been fighting a bit of depression since then.

 

But I am fine other than that. It's still hard.. those endless nights of sobbing, or a song that comes on that he used to love, and his Facebook was bothering me, but he ended up blocking me and changing his status to "single" so yet another blessing in disguise (even though it hurt).

 

I'm definitely not interested in dating or men AT ALL, but we're separated, I figure what I'm doing in my free time has nothing to do with him. I'm really flabbergasted he had the audacity to ask my stepdad that. I'm STILL mad about it lol.

[notbroken]

He is looking for reasons to blame you (ex: you must be a 'cheater') instead of accepting the fact that he has serious anger issues. Hard to look in the mirror sometimes. It must be very hard for him to do that right now. I'm sorry this happened to you. No one deserves that. You do NOT deserve to be yelled at and have violence around you. Ever. Good for you for not putting up with it. Draw the line in the sand for all time. You will get over this with time. You will thrive. Best wishes.

[KBarletta]

He is looking for reasons to blame you (ex: you must be a 'cheater') instead of accepting the fact that he has serious anger issues. Hard to look in the mirror sometimes. It must be very hard for him to do that right now. I'm sorry this happened to you. No one deserves that. You do NOT deserve to be yelled at and have violence around you. Ever. Good for you for not putting up with it. Draw the line in the sand for all time. You will get over this with time. You will thrive. Best wishes.

 

This is exactly right. He is looking for a way to shift the blame from himself and his destructive behavior (where it belongs) to you. Don't let him do it. But also, try not to take it too emotionally. This is what happens after a breakup, blame gets assigned all over the place, much of it in the wrong place. But you and the people close to you who matter will know the truth, and that is all that matters.

 

It's going to take some time - months, maybe years - to get this out of your system completely, before you can hear those songs on the radio or talk about him without negative emotions coming up. But you are on the right road - keep moving forward, keep up with therapy, keep spending time with family and friends, focus on work and healing and your own happiness and you will get there some day.

 

Best of luck!

[Marc878]

Look lady. This never gets better. It'll increase in severity over time.

 

You deserve better. Do a hard 180 and never look back on this.

 

You're lucky because it would have turned physical sooner or later

[clefairy]

Wow... I never even thought of it like that. Initially my brain went: "I was extremely loyal for 6 years, and he thinks that low of me?!" But you're all very right.. he's trying to make himself feel better, isn't he? By making me look like the cheating wife.

 

My debit card expired in August, hadn't realized it, and I drove to the grocery store to get cat food, some things for dinner to cheer me up, and went up to the cashier to check out. I had no cash on me or any other cards.

 

I have no idea why but the moment the machine read "card expired" I BURST into tears as soon as I saw it. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed doing all of this by myself. I just thought: "If I was still with my husband, I could have called him.. or even been with him right now." I awkwardly left the register without saying anything.. and then continued to cry for the rest of the night. I know that's not a healthy way of thinking and a habit I'm going to have to get myself out of. I guess we all need a really good cry sometimes and to feel bad for ourselves.

 

Adjusting to being alone really, really sucks.

[clefairy]

It's been a little bit since I've posted, and while I'm still on these forums, I figured I would give myself and everyone an update.

 

Really heavy depression in September. It hit me really, really hard. I could barely smile it was so bad. So much crying. So much regret.

 

Today, October 12th, I am feeling very happy. I can feel my bubbly self coming back - that dark cloud that followed me is disappearing. I decided to sell the house and just found out I will be making quite a bit of money from it. We got an offer on it yesterday and we accepted it.

 

Life is actually going well. Living at my mom's house and not being so alone has helped me tremendously (I am an extrovert, so being near people and noise does wonders, who would have thought?). I know that this happiness may be short lived since I haven't spoken to him since September 27th, our realtor is doing great about mediating between the two of us, but I am enjoying feeling this way for the time being.

 

Thank you everyone for reading!

[Just a Guy]

Hi clefairy, sad to see you here. You are young and that is a point in your favour. You will be able to recover much faster than some one who was 45 y old and had been married a couple of decades. Also an expensive but good lesson learned about human nature.

 

I wanted to ask you why, if you were with your husband for four years before you married him, why you were not able to notice these major flaws in him before tying the knot with him? He must have exhibited signs of his temper many times in those four years. Of course from what you have written, it is apparent that you are very submissive and won't to defer to others rather than being assertive about what you feel is correct. Of course your husband having learnt that temper tantrums got him his way, was likely to have become violent if you tried being assertive. However, if he did do that it would have given you an indication a long time ago what was in store for you if you were to marry him.

 

Now however, all that is water under the bridge. What is not are the lessons you can draw from this traumatic experience. One would be to always keep your eyes and ears open. The other is that you should learn to become more assertive about your own feelings and needs. Assertive does not mean aggressive. It means being quietly firm about what you want and not being swayed by what someone else wants to impose on you. Such an attitude will help you both in your personal and profession relationships. You also need to define what exactly you want out of life learn a lot more about what makes you tick. If you just keep going with the flow in life you will be an ineffectual personality opening yourself to being bullied by others. Guess these are just some of the points that come to mind after reading through your thread. One other point is that you should try and develop a more robust personality, in simple words, develop a bit of a thick skin so that you do not easily slip into depression. At present it seems you are too sensitive. Hope some of this helps. Cheers.

[Just a Guy]

Hi clefairy, how are you doing? It's been some time you last posted. Has your house finally been sold? Since your stbxh had told you that you could have the house and you had refinanced it to be entirely in your name would the sale proceeds be entirely yours or would you have to share it with him? Have you had any interaction with him since you last spoke to him?

 

I wanted to ask you whether you or your stbxh have filed for divorce and if so, how long will it take you to be free? If you have'nt filed why is that? Do you have a circle of friends of your own that you can interact with? You said you are an extrovert so I guess you wouldn't be short of friends. Here's wishing you a lot of good times ahead and hopefully the depression and dark clouds will remain in your past and not rear their ugly heads again. Warm wishes.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Lion Heart]

It's been a little bit since I've posted, and while I'm still on these forums, I figured I would give myself and everyone an update.

 

Really heavy depression in September. It hit me really, really hard. I could barely smile it was so bad. So much crying. So much regret.

 

Today, October 12th, I am feeling very happy. I can feel my bubbly self coming back - that dark cloud that followed me is disappearing. I decided to sell the house and just found out I will be making quite a bit of money from it. We got an offer on it yesterday and we accepted it.

 

Life is actually going well. Living at my mom's house and not being so alone has helped me tremendously (I am an extrovert, so being near people and noise does wonders, who would have thought?). I know that this happiness may be short lived since I haven't spoken to him since September 27th, our realtor is doing great about mediating between the two of us, but I am enjoying feeling this way for the time being.

 

Thank you everyone for reading!

 

Hi clefairy,

 

Well done for leaving.

Well done for seeing the abuse and standing up for yourself.

 

It's wonderful you have these forums to learn so much!

Mr Lucky and Just A Guy have offered you wise counsel..I wish I had their advice back when I was 25! Lol.

 

I was 25yo and my first D.

I was shattered. No children thank goodness!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think it took 6 months to begin to renew myself.

I probably was depressed but my mother wouldn't ALLOW depression in our family lol.

 

I'm SO HAPPY for you that you've sought IC. The members that GUIDE you in knowing what to look for as "red flags" for any future relationships have hit the nail on the head!

 

Many people are out there looking for someone to fill the hole in their lives.

Ofcourse most people would love a happy partnership.

 

The things to look out for is PAST BEHAVIOURS. These often predict future behaviours (unless the person has sought support for themselves.....maybe lol).

 

Also as a woman most especially, IF you do marry, make sure you find ways to maintain your independence. Financially. Employment wise. In all ways.

 

When a man BEGINS to exert controlling behaviours, note these carefully. Especially if he attempts to block your closest people from your life.

 

Sure you may fall madly in love and want to spend MOST if your time with him anyway lol. Just be AWARE and not blinded by "love". Reading "The Road Less Travelled" is an awesome reference book.

 

Knowing what "LOVE" ACTUALLY IS will help you know when someone loves you the "right" way.

 

Best wishes for your future!

You certainly dodged a bullet by not having kids with your ex.

Lion Heart

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, apparently the OP is in a happier place now if we go by the adage 'No news is good news'. Good for her. She is young and unencumbered which will stand her in good stead. It is sad that her first marriage had to end so abruptly and painfully especially for a person like her who is blessed with a sunny nature and is intrinsically a good person. However, I think all of us come into this world with lessons to learn and for our souls to grow and expand in wisdom. Sometimes those lessons can be pleasant and happy but sometimes they can be hard and unpleasant. However it is these hard and painful ones that are sometimes the most valuable ones for us.

 

I know most folks on here would discount what I am saying as so much mumbo jumbo but the fact is, if you look around you, you will find people for whom everything seems like a fairy tale. They hardly exert themselves and yet have such a cushy life. If they face problems those are of their own making. On the other hand, there are people who have a rough time just making it from day to day. Every thing they get is hard earned. Every victory they are able to achieve is hard won. Then there are those that life or fate or destiny seem to take particular pleasure in punishing. They are born deformed or crippled from birth or struck down by a fatal disease such as cancer for no rhyme or reason. Yet some of them display a quantum of grace and a level of courage that humbles those who come in contact with them. These are the souls that teach us lessons that we could not learn on our own. So in the greater scheme of things I guess we are all here to grow and develop our souls and maybe we should not crib as much as we do when we encounter problems but look at them as a step towards our greater good! Warm wishes to all.

Edited November 3, 2016 by Just a Guy

[clefairy]

Hihi everyone,

 

Sorry it's been such a long time since I've been on these forums. I have been busy just playing, experiencing new things (I signed up for a snowboarding pass), hanging out with friends and family, going on some small casual dates, etc. I am signing up for pole classes this weekend and I'm actually preparing to move in with my cousin and his roommate.

 

We caught a snag in the closing of our house and had to extend the settlement date a little bit. Our roof wouldn't qualify for the buyer's loan, so we had to scramble to find someone to fix it (4k worth of repairs!!). The house is closing on the 16th of this month, so just a few days. I'm so excited to finally be rid of it. One more thing off my checklist!

 

And Just a Guy, we have not filed yet. The stbx has told me repeatedly (or threatened, I guess) that he's "going to file in the morning" but I've yet to see any papers. I am trying extremely hard to not let him get to me, and so far it has been working. I have not been communicating with him unless absolutely necessary, and he's starting to lash out in all sorts of different ways. I am going to file once the house closes.

 

Thank you everyone for worrying and wondering I have been busy... and this has been a good thing! I am unbelievably happy where my life is at right now. If you would have asked me 5.5 months ago, I would have told you that I did not believe I would ever feel happy again.

 

I am, and I am thriving without his controlling ways. I was so blind for so long and my eyes are finally open.

[Just a Guy]

Hi clefairy, good to hear from you and good for you! Seems your troubles are finally over. Your stbxh creating problems was to be expected but then reality will work equally for him as it was for you. It may do him as much good as it has for you and he may be better off for it. He is also entitled to happiness in life and maybe he will find it now after learning his lesson and taking action on it.

 

So here's wishing you a very happy future in whatever you decide to do and make sure that you keep your eyes and ears wide open while getting into any new relationship. Cheers.