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Wife of almost 23 years wants divorce [updated]


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Hello folks I am new here but have read some of the post here. I just want some views on this as I am having a difficult time. I guess I will give some background on us at first.

The wife and I are former Marines. After Desert Storm we both left active duty and met in the reserves. She was this gorgeous 5'2" 105lbs bombshell. She was in the Air Wing I was in the Infantry. She really had reservations at first about dating a grunt because of our reputations as boozers and womanizers on liberty. Luckily I won her over.

We got married and she got pregnant almost immediately had a second child 18 months later. She had a crappy little job I was the bread winner. Finally she got a job at UPS and things were looking up. She quit UPS after a few years to stay at home with the kids and I was cool with it. I worked extra jobs paid the house off.

Things got better financially the kids were getting older and she enlisted in the Army National Guard and got an active duty slot. Awesome gig. Active duty benefits and retirement and we got to live in our home town. She deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. After Iraq it was a difficult year but we were getting close to divorce, always fighting over little things. Finally we sat down had a long talk (2004) and decided we wanted our marriage to work and to be happy together again. It worked.

After her deployment to Afghanistan (2011) everything was still good. The wife and I have always had a fantastic relationship (except that one year). We have been best friends and shared every thought and feeling. Awesome sex life. up to about year 14 sex 3-4 times a week. After that it was once a week. Until last year it went to 0.

She took a promotion to Sgt. Major 3 years ago and has to work out of town 3 days a week. I Have worked midnight shift for the 20 years of my 26 year career. Her working out of town and me on nights has never been a problem because we always had the same days off. On our 3 days off together we have always done everything together. Well that is until a year and a half ago when I was promoted again and placed on the opposite midnight shift. Then we only got every other saturday to spend together.

So the last year or so I could tell we were drifting apart. But my wife refuses to talk about relationship issues that concern problems. I guess I should give a little more background on her. She was sexually abused as a child, so there are issues there. Mom took stepdad's side in the issue. Her family is a hot mess. Grew up dirt poor with no running water till she was 12. She was almost killed in 3 IED attacks in Iraq on convoys but walked away unhurt but does suffer from PTSD. Refuses to get help with either issue says she doesn't need it. She is a truly amazing woman who has come so far from where she started. She has been a fabulous wife, friend and mother well up until last year (still a great mother kids are in college 20 and 22). She has been everything I always wanted. I have never cheated on her and up until this past year I don't think she has cheated on me. Can't prove it about this last year but hey when the sex stops and all forms of intimacy you gotta think about it.

Six weeks ago she came to me and said she loves me but is not in love. Says I have been the best husband, friend, lover, father and all around great guy but she just doesn't love me anymore. Says I can find someone better. I tell her I want no one else. So she says okay we will try to work it out. '

Then five weeks ago she comes home and says we are done. I can have the house the money in savings etc. she just wants out. I am just 4 years away from retirement and the house gets paid for in 6. She makes double what I do. I tell her I can't afford the house. Then she offers to pay for it till it is paid for.

I talked to a guy who works with sexual abuse victims and she says she is text book actions for an abused person. Some go off the deep end some become perfectionist who perform above and beyond but have low self esteem (the wife is the latter.) Says she will never be happy till she realizes she isnt to blame for the abuse and quits trying to repair her relationship with her mother.

So for the next couple of weeks I do the entire let's get counseling let's make this work. Tell her my love for her and how amazing she is. What do I get last week paper work for an uncontested divorce. We talk and she says she will take the house give me half the value in cash and pay the boys insurance, phones etc. I take my bills she takes hers.

I ask her why is she rushing this and she says she just feels that the she doesn't want this going on longer than what it has to because I may get a false hope that it will work.

Well as a side note during these conversations she breaks down and cries (my wife is not a crier or a girly girl. She rarely shows weakness). Says she doesn't want to hurt me. Nice huh? 23 years together and its over with no explanation but doesn't want to hurt me. We don't fight, don't argue (really never have). She just says she is done. That we have grown apart and there is no way a counselor will change how she feels.

At one point a couple of weeks ago I told her I have been told she is cheating on me. Yeah I just threw it out there. She says no. But on the flip side the past year all affection has stop, she doesn't tell me what she is doing. She used to tell me everything she did in her day. Her reaction to the cheating thing was first off she wanted to know who told me. I told her if we are done it really is none of her business but it had been a couple of people. Her follow up to that was well maybe they thought it was Emily since we go bike riding together. Emily is a a manish lesbian who lives downstairs from my wife in the one bedroom apartment we rented for her when she is out of town. First off I don't think my wife plays on the other team she never really has thought that was right based off of her comments over the years. Second she has never even mentioned bike riding with Emily. I said when did you start that and she says six months ago. Now this doesn't sound like much as far as not sharing but when you have a wife who used to tell you everything never mentioning going bike riding is like WTF. To me she has created her own little world down there that I am no longer aloud to know what is going on. She no longer calls, when she comes home unless we have to talk we don't. We do have civil conversations and sometimes it is like nothing is wrong.

I told her I would not sign anything until I received the cash buy out of the house and have my cabin built on the 10 acres we have out in the county. We have filled out the uncontested divorce papers except about the house and buy out money until it comes in. She is fine with me staying here and paying all the bills until the cabin is built and the divorce is final. I have checked the finances and all of her money still goes into our joint account. No strange spending habits, checked her credit card statements nothing out of the ordinary.

Now personally I want our marriage saved, but I am at a loss as to actually do. I know my wife and I know she has made up her mind. Hell I even told her this decision didn't happen over night. The sad thing is that she didn't even bother to talk to me about her feelings over the past year.

Should I even bother trying to make this work? or, should I just suck it up and realize she has planned this for awhile and there is nothing I can do. My gut says she is cheating, but after being as close as we have been for our entire marriage I don't want to believe that she would do that to me.

Thoughts?

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Hard to read as a solid block of text my friend, broke it up into spaced paragraphs. Thanks for your service, welcome to Loveshack...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hello folks I am new here but have read some of the post here. I just want some views on this as I am having a difficult time. I guess I will give some background on us at first.

 

The wife and I are former Marines. After Desert Storm we both left active duty and met in the reserves. She was this gorgeous 5'2" 105lbs bombshell. She was in the Air Wing I was in the Infantry. She really had reservations at first about dating a grunt because of our reputations as boozers and womanizers on liberty. Luckily I won her over.

 

We got married and she got pregnant almost immediately had a second child 18 months later. She had a crappy little job I was the bread winner. Finally she got a job at UPS and things were looking up. She quit UPS after a few years to stay at home with the kids and I was cool with it. I worked extra jobs paid the house off.

 

Things got better financially the kids were getting older and she enlisted in the Army National Guard and got an active duty slot. Awesome gig. Active duty benefits and retirement and we got to live in our home town. She deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. After Iraq it was a difficult year but we were getting close to divorce, always fighting over little things. Finally we sat down had a long talk (2004) and decided we wanted our marriage to work and to be happy together again. It worked.

 

After her deployment to Afghanistan (2011) everything was still good. The wife and I have always had a fantastic relationship (except that one year). We have been best friends and shared every thought and feeling. Awesome sex life. up to about year 14 sex 3-4 times a week. After that it was once a week. Until last year it went to 0.

 

She took a promotion to Sgt. Major 3 years ago and has to work out of town 3 days a week. I Have worked midnight shift for the 20 years of my 26 year career. Her working out of town and me on nights has never been a problem because we always had the same days off. On our 3 days off together we have always done everything together. Well that is until a year and a half ago when I was promoted again and placed on the opposite midnight shift. Then we only got every other Saturday to spend together.

 

So the last year or so I could tell we were drifting apart. But my wife refuses to talk about relationship issues that concern problems. I guess I should give a little more background on her. She was sexually abused as a child, so there are issues there. Mom took stepdad's side in the issue. Her family is a hot mess. Grew up dirt poor with no running water till she was 12. She was almost killed in 3 IED attacks in Iraq on convoys but walked away unhurt but does suffer from PTSD. Refuses to get help with either issue says she doesn't need it.

 

She is a truly amazing woman who has come so far from where she started. She has been a fabulous wife, friend and mother well up until last year (still a great mother kids are in college 20 and 22). She has been everything I always wanted. I have never cheated on her and up until this past year I don't think she has cheated on me. Can't prove it about this last year but hey when the sex stops and all forms of intimacy you gotta think about it.

 

Six weeks ago she came to me and said she loves me but is not in love. Says I have been the best husband, friend, lover, father and all around great guy but she just doesn't love me anymore. Says I can find someone better. I tell her I want no one else. So she says okay we will try to work it out. '

 

Then five weeks ago she comes home and says we are done. I can have the house the money in savings etc. she just wants out. I am just 4 years away from retirement and the house gets paid for in 6. She makes double what I do. I tell her I can't afford the house. Then she offers to pay for it till it is paid for.

 

I talked to a guy who works with sexual abuse victims and she says she is text book actions for an abused person. Some go off the deep end some become perfectionist who perform above and beyond but have low self esteem (the wife is the latter.) Says she will never be happy till she realizes she isnt to blame for the abuse and quits trying to repair her relationship with her mother.

 

So for the next couple of weeks I do the entire let's get counseling let's make this work. Tell her my love for her and how amazing she is. What do I get last week paper work for an uncontested divorce. We talk and she says she will take the house give me half the value in cash and pay the boys insurance, phones etc. I take my bills she takes hers.

 

I ask her why is she rushing this and she says she just feels that the she doesn't want this going on longer than what it has to because I may get a false hope that it will work.

 

Well as a side note during these conversations she breaks down and cries (my wife is not a crier or a girly girl. She rarely shows weakness). Says she doesn't want to hurt me. Nice huh? 23 years together and its over with no explanation but doesn't want to hurt me. We don't fight, don't argue (really never have). She just says she is done. That we have grown apart and there is no way a counselor will change how she feels.

 

At one point a couple of weeks ago I told her I have been told she is cheating on me. Yeah I just threw it out there. She says no. But on the flip side the past year all affection has stop, she doesn't tell me what she is doing. She used to tell me everything she did in her day. Her reaction to the cheating thing was first off she wanted to know who told me. I told her if we are done it really is none of her business but it had been a couple of people. Her follow up to that was well maybe they thought it was Emily since we go bike riding together. Emily is a a manish lesbian who lives downstairs from my wife in the one bedroom apartment we rented for her when she is out of town. First off I don't think my wife plays on the other team she never really has thought that was right based off of her comments over the years. Second she has never even mentioned bike riding with Emily. I said when did you start that and she says six months ago.

 

Now this doesn't sound like much as far as not sharing but when you have a wife who used to tell you everything never mentioning going bike riding is like WTF. To me she has created her own little world down there that I am no longer aloud to know what is going on. She no longer calls, when she comes home unless we have to talk we don't. We do have civil conversations and sometimes it is like nothing is wrong.

 

I told her I would not sign anything until I received the cash buy out of the house and have my cabin built on the 10 acres we have out in the county. We have filled out the uncontested divorce papers except about the house and buy out money until it comes in. She is fine with me staying here and paying all the bills until the cabin is built and the divorce is final. I have checked the finances and all of her money still goes into our joint account. No strange spending habits, checked her credit card statements nothing out of the ordinary.

 

Now personally I want our marriage saved, but I am at a loss as to actually do. I know my wife and I know she has made up her mind. Hell I even told her this decision didn't happen over night. The sad thing is that she didn't even bother to talk to me about her feelings over the past year.

 

Should I even bother trying to make this work? or, should I just suck it up and realize she has planned this for awhile and there is nothing I can do. My gut says she is cheating, but after being as close as we have been for our entire marriage I don't want to believe that she would do that to me.

 

Thoughts?

Edited by Mr. Lucky
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Don't know if it's "Emily" but I'd guess your instincts regarding another relationship are spot on.

 

Do you have access to her cell phone bill or social media accounts?

 

Mr. Lucky

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You only have one shot to save this if that's what you're looking for.

 

Cheaters lie, hide and deny. Go over your phone bill, put a VAR under her car seat. Find out who her other man is.

 

Once you have enough info do full exposure on him/her to friends, family and work if it's a work affair.

 

Your biggest enemy will be your fear to carry this through.

 

Good luck.

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Here it is blunt. Your wife is in love with someone else..whether it is a man or a woman makes no difference. The bulk of your original post is a full resume of you and her and your marriage,, but none of that matters once this third party shows up, the sex stops, and the I love you but not in love with you speech starts.

 

Your marriage is over now...you may drag it on and go back and forth for a couple of years, but it will end in divorce. Rip it off like a band aid now....so sorry.

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I agree with others. What I don't get is from reading your post you sound like a really great guy (nicer and more understanding than me), thoughtful and perceptive (it's not what they do, it's what they do differently). I'm not sure why she would leave but the fact of the matter is she did.

 

I don't see a way to get her back or keep her even if you managed to do so.

 

The fact that she is so unemotional makes me think she has thought this through to completion. Even if this is related to the prior abuse, unless she is willing to go to counseling, it's a moot point.

 

I'm sorry - this is a bag of S you don't need or deserve.

 

Edited to add - that she is willing to pay for the house implies guilt. Guilt because of someone else.

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Do not beg, plead or cry for her. You must get strong and stay there in these situations.

 

You can't bargain or try and nice her back.

 

Exposure is your only weapon against an affair. It should be fond WITHOUT WARNING!!!!

 

She is way ahead of you. Catch up!!!!!!

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I have gone through one of her email accounts and found nothing. Can't figure out the pw on the other she uses all the time. I believe if she is having an affair it is work related and out of town. I don't have the resources to pay for a PI right now. Hell I think it is a moot point at this time. Part of me wants to know the truth, the other part just can't bare the thought of her actually cheating on me after all the good years we have had.

 

I know I am going to have to have some type of relationship with her for the rest of my life due to our sons and future grand kids if they came along. The one thing I always told her was the only thing I will never forgive her for was adultery.

 

On her deployments I had ample opportunity to have multiple affairs. Never did. My thoughts were yeah I am lonely and horny but I truly loved her and she has always maintained her military bearing and physical conditioning. She was serving our country and sacrificing her personal life for the country's.

 

I also thought back to my Marine Corps days of guys coming off of deployment to find half the married guys wives had cheated on them and how devastated they were.I could not have imagined doing that to the one woman I have loved. To put it bluntly (sorry ladies) pussy isn't worth destroying your family and the woman you love.

 

Having no explanation of why she never tried to come to me and fix this is a real heart breaker and mind bender. I am far from perfect but I put this girl on a pedestal our entire marriage. Gave her everything she asked for. When she wasn't working I worked extra jobs so she could have a nice new car while I drove around in an old hunk of **** truck. Didn't care what I had it was all about taking care of the girl I loved.

 

Back in the day she gave me everything I needed from her, love, intimacy, a home cleaned spotless as if it were going to be inspected by the Battalion commander. She was a fantastic mother. I had a home cooked meal every night. To say I was in heaven despite working 80 hrs a week is an understatement.

 

Now all I get are these little comments that if it wasn't for her we wouldn't have the big 4,000 square foot house sitting out on a lot of land. Hell I worked an extra job for a year and a half to buy the land and pay cash to build her her dream home. Thought this is where we would grow old together .

Now I am going to have a little cabin in the woods sitting on a creek and will be alone. Once I realized it was most likely over I tried talking to a few women just to get the feel of what it is gonna be like. Hell even the good looking ones I have real no interest in despite some positive reactions. When I walk away I feel like a complete piece of trash, I am a married man.

 

Maybe I am just old fashioned. But just like when I took my oath to serve my country in the Corps when I took my wedding vows I took it the same way. I am gonna fulfill the oath to my wife fight through the hard times server her, protect her, and love her no matter what (except adultery. that is the ultimate betrayal to me.)

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A couple of thoughts:

 

1. Is she peri-menopausal? (I'm kind of taking a wild guess about her age based on the timeline you've mentioned.) Fluctuating hormones can wreak havoc and contribute to mental and emotional responses. Based on everything in your post, I doubt this is the case, but it might be an underlying factor.

 

2. Relationships take work, as you know. You have done everything possible, as far as I can tell. Neither of you are ignorant or naive. She didn't wake up one morning and decide she isn't in love with you anymore. This has been building for well over a year. My red flag went up by her response to your accusation of an affair. First, she wanted to know who told you, which is a natural response, imo. Then, she said whoever told you might have assumed it was the neighbor. That, to me, implies there is someone, just not the person suspected.

 

At any rate, she has made up her mind. She is no longer interested in making the marriage work. She wants out, for whatever reason. I'm sure you heard the adage, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." That is where you are. You can fight for the marriage, but it takes two to make it work, and she isn't a willing participant. She agreed to try, temporarily. A week later, she approached with a definitive position. Divorce. As much as it hurts, and as badly as you want to save your marriage, you can't. She is done.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

Edited by Methodical
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{Having no explanation of why she never tried to come to me and fix this is a real heart breaker and mind bender. I am far from perfect but I put this girl on a pedestal our entire marriage. Gave her everything she asked for. When she wasn't working I worked extra jobs so she could have a nice new car while I drove around in an old hunk of **** truck. Didn't care what I had it was all about taking care of the girl I loved.}

 

Sometimes you can do to much. Then you get taken advantage of and lose respect. Happens a lot. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free download.

 

If you want the truth check your phone bill and but a Voice Activted Recorder under her car seat. You can get a good one at Walmart or Best Buy very reasonable. Velcro it down.

 

Your fear is your biggest enemy. You have nothing to lose. She's already gone.

 

Find out who and do full exposure. Why accept defeat so easily unless you just want to end it.

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I agree with others. What I don't get is from reading your post you sound like a really great guy (nicer and more understanding than me), thoughtful and perceptive (it's not what they do, it's what they do differently). I'm not sure why she would leave but the fact of the matter is she did.

 

I don't see a way to get her back or keep her even if you managed to do so.

 

The fact that she is so unemotional makes me think she has thought this through to completion. Even if this is related to the prior abuse, unless she is willing to go to counseling, it's a moot point.

 

I'm sorry - this is a bag of S you don't need or deserve.

 

Edited to add - that she is willing to pay for the house implies guilt. Guilt because of someone else.

Yeah I am a great guy. The dumb founding part is her saying what a great husband, friend, lover and father I am. I am standing there I am sure with a stupid look on my face thinking "Isn't this what women search for in a man?"

 

I had great examples to follow one set of grandparents married 55 tears before death, the other 70 years before death, uncles and aunts all married over 40 years, parents 51 years, and everyone of them are happy. I know they aren't all perfect but at family reunions you can feel the love. It is what I grew up around and wanted when I got married.

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A couple of thoughts:

 

1. Is she peri-menopausal? (I'm kind of taking a wild guess about her age based on the timeline you've mentioned.) Fluctuating hormones can wreak havoc and contribute to mental and emotional responses. Based on everything in your post, I doubt this is the case, but it might be an underlying factor.

 

2. Relationships take work, as you know. You have done everything possible, as far as I can tell. Neither of you are ignorant or naive. She didn't wake up one morning and decide she isn't in love with you anymore. This has been building for well over a year. My red flag went up by her response to your accusation of an affair. First, she wanted to know who told you, which is a natural response, imo. Then, she said whoever told you might have assumed it was the neighbor. That, to me, implies there is someone, just not the person suspected.

 

At any rate, she has made up her mind. She is no longer interested in making the marriage work. She wants out, for whatever reason. I'm sure you heard the adage, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." That is where you are. You can fight for the marriage, but it takes two to make it work, and she isn't a willing participant. She agreed to try, temporarily. A week later, she approached with a definitive position. Divorce. As much as it hurts, and as badly as you want to save your marriage, you can't. She is done.

 

Sorry you are going through this.

 

The menopause thing has crossed my mind. She is 48. Her periods have become very irregular and some months multiple. Hasn't mentioned mood swings. When I brought up sex and intimacy, holding hands, kissing, etc she says she doesn't even desire sex anymore. She said the last few months before we quit having sex was just out of habit so I wouldn't get mad.

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She is done.

 

Get her to pay for EVERYTHING since she is the one who wants out that badly.

 

Maybe you can keep the house and SHE can forfeit any money out of it...?

 

Start making HIGH demands. She can have her boyfriend or girlfriend pay for her new lifestyle. She's cheating man - accept that and get her out of your life as soon as you can so you can heal and move forward.

 

She can pay the price - don't offer her an easy out. Make it hurt...she's hurt you.

 

Stop being nice to her - she's blown up your world.

 

Take at least half of the available cash and put it in your name only. If you don't it will all disappear as soon as she realizes you have a backbone.

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She is done.

 

Get her to pay for EVERYTHING since she is the one who wants out that badly.

 

Maybe you can keep the house and SHE can forfeit any money out of it...?

 

Start making HIGH demands. She can have her boyfriend or girlfriend pay for her new lifestyle. She's cheating man - accept that and get her out of your life as soon as you can so you can heal and move forward.

 

She can pay the price - don't offer her an easy out. Make it hurt...she's hurt you.

 

Stop being nice to her - she's blown up your world.

 

Take at least half of the available cash and put it in your name only. If you don't it will all disappear as soon as she realizes you have a backbone.

 

S2B- I would love to save this marriage but I know her, hell we have spent over half our lives together. I know she is done. Still not sure on the cheating, but in the long run does it really matter. She has destroyed everything I have worked for. She is getting the house but I am getting cash. Hopefully I will building this cabin and doing most the work myself and with help of a few carpenter, electrician and plumber friends I can pay off my Harley as well and be debt free.

 

She looked at what I will be getting for retirement and kind of got pissy about me getting cash buyout for the house plus her already filling out the forms to keep paying insurance, and car payments for our sons that are in college. Said I didn't need all that money.

 

I told her I had built up such a big retirement but unlike her the plans were for us to share it. I wasn't like her planning for over a year to walk out. Plus I threw the whole you are the one who said if wasn't for your big checks we wouldn't have anything. So now you have everything you want, your freedom, your secret life can now be open, and all those bills.

 

When the time comes for my retirement I fully plan to enjoy it and travel the world. That was my plan to do it with her, but I guess it will just be me. Hell if everything goes right by the time the divorce is set ( which I told her I won't sign the papers till the cabin is completed and all funds transferred and new accounts set) I just may be totally debt free and may start traveling soon.

 

Still breaks my heart to think this woman who was my everything has done this ****. It is hard not to want to sit back and talk to her when she comes home. When we do it is sometimes just like old times. But when I really look at her I can't help but thinking you bitch. You have ruined my life. But I keep it shut in and go downstairs to the man cave.

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I get it - I really do... I divorced after being with my exH for 25 years.

 

He wasn't the man I THOUGHT he was - just as your wife isn't the woman you THOUGHT she WAS...

 

So sorry but I'm glad your looking forward, have a plan and will be ok.

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Maybe I am just old fashioned. But just like when I took my oath to serve my country in the Corps when I took my wedding vows I took it the same way. I am gonna fulfill the oath to my wife fight through the hard times server her, protect her, and love her no matter what (except adultery. that is the ultimate betrayal to me.)

 

You're going to have to see how this plays out. She may be testing the waters and, like many WS's, decide sooner than later she made a mistake and wants to come back. You'll have lots of questions and a tough choice if that happens.

 

But if she is indeed gone, with all that implies, then you don't help anyone by becoming a martyr to your failed marriage. Your kids will need you and you'll need to get a life. Hope for the best, plan for the worst...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Yeah I am looking forward, but the I spend a lot of time looking back and thinking of all those wonderful times. This weekend while she was home I slept downstairs in the man cave. This is where I usually sleep when I work (midnights) since there are no windows and it is pitch black.

She used to come down every week strip naked and slide in bed with me. Hell now if she is home and I walk in the bedroom and she is changing clothes like yesterday she was wearing her bra and panties she immediately covers her body and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing while she changed clothes.

Kind of caught me off guard. I was going to the closet to get a clean shirt. Hell I have seen and touched every inch of this woman's body for over two decades. The real kicker is she walked in the bathroom the day before while I was in the shower and opened the glass door to ask me something. Didn't bother me hell she has seen it herself all these years. But this how dare you attitude really pissed me off.

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You're going to have to see how this plays out. She may be testing the waters and, like many WS's, decide sooner than later she made a mistake and wants to come back. You'll have lots of questions and a tough choice if that happens.

 

But if she is indeed gone, with all that implies, then you don't help anyone by becoming a martyr to your failed marriage. Your kids will need you and you'll need to get a life. Hope for the best, plan for the worst...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well Mr. Lucky I not really sure what my future life will be. I know I will have to carry I on. But it just baffles my mind that at my age and at the stage of life that I am at I have to start over. Learn to socialize again without the one person who has always been by my side. I feel totally clueless. Actually I feel like a failure to some extent.

 

Like I said I am not perfect, but I do know I treated my wife in the manner a woman you marry should be treated and respected, and for years she did the same for me. It's like just what the **** did I do for you to just walk away. If she is cheating...why?? Hell we have had great passionate sex for years. If she is cheating why have great sex with me and choose to screw someone else?

 

Why isn't this marriage worth saving? One bad year 12 years ago, we worked it out realized we were fighting over stupid crap and things were almost instantly back to the way they always had been. What freaking more could she want?

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{Hell now if she is home and I walk in the bedroom and she is changing clothes like yesterday she was wearing her bra and panties she immediately covers her body and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing while she changed clothes.}

 

Yep, she's cheating. Everything is for her affair partner now. That's how it works in an affair a lot of the time.

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The hard truth. Life isn't always fair.

 

In an affair 20 great years mean nothing. They are in a fantasy world.

 

Quit reliving the past and deal with today. It's getting you nothing.

 

IMO get info blow this up and see what happens or take what she's willing to give you in the divorce.

 

You have little time and only those two options.

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PegNosePete
Still not sure on the cheating, but in the long run does it really matter.

That depends on your jurisdiction and whether the divorce laws are no-fault or not. It would be wise to consult a lawyer if you haven't already. If it's no-fault then it doesn't matter whether she's cheating and it's a waste of your time and energy investigating. If it's not no-fault then there may be a financial advantage if you can find the truth.

 

But I keep it shut in and go downstairs to the man cave.

That is definitely the best plan. Sometimes a wife will deliberately start a fight in the hopes that it will escalate, the police will be called, and the husband will be escorted off premises. Best to not engage at all. At this point there's really nothing to be gained.

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The_Onceler
She used to come down every week strip naked and slide in bed with me. Hell now if she is home and I walk in the bedroom and she is changing clothes like yesterday she was wearing her bra and panties she immediately covers her body and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing while she changed clothes.

Kind of caught me off guard. I was going to the closet to get a clean shirt. Hell I have seen and touched every inch of this woman's body for over two decades. The real kicker is she walked in the bathroom the day before while I was in the shower and opened the glass door to ask me something. Didn't bother me hell she has seen it herself all these years. But this how dare you attitude really pissed me off.

 

Boy, I could have written ^this^.

 

I remember in the early days - I was astonished (and thrilled!) at how comfortable she was to just wander nude through our apartment, join me in the shower, etc, etc.

 

Same as you, now when she dresses, showers, bathes - she closes and locks the doors. If I happen to stumble upon her in a state of undress, she covers up and shames me, just the same.

 

And just the same, when she has a question for me or needs something from the cabinet, she has no qualms about barging into the bathroom while I am in the shower or whatever.

 

As others have said, this is because in her mind she has already devoted her sexual self to her 'new' man, and I am suddenly an intruder. Even in my own bedroom. Even in my own home.

 

I have a sense of what you are experiencing now - I am truly sorry to hear about all of it, but just keep motoring on, and you will be OK.

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PegNosePete

Yeah, I don't think it's uncommon at all. She feels that you seeing her naked is "cheating" on the other man.

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