Jump to content

Taking back my wife who got pregnant from another man


Recommended Posts

Hello,

 

I'm new to this forum but I need some advice really bad. I've searched google for similar cases but there is nothing I could find that fits my situation.

 

Here is my story:

 

I've been married to my wife for over 14yrs and we have 2 sons and a daughter together. During our marriage she's cheated on me with 2 other men. 5 yrs ago she cheated on me again with the 3rd man and she got pregnant by him. This man is married also and his wife has no idea that my wife and him have a baby together. I stayed with my wife for about a year after the baby was born and then she left me to be on her own hoping the father would leave his wife to be with her. I've always wanted to make my marriage work and I love the baby that isn't mine and willing to be the babys father. The baby is now 4yrs old and my wife wants to get back together and try to make our marriage work. I guess she realized that the other guy wasn't going to ever leave his wife and she got tired of waiting for him.

 

So now she wants me to move back in and be a family and work on our marriage which I'm willing to do. I'm just afraid of what problems will come up if we do try again. I still have heartache for what she did, there is no trust and we don't really have any love between us but I'm willing to work on it and to see if we can rekindle the fire. My wife mentioned that she wants to get back together for the kids and needs help with them and knows that God wants families to stay together.

 

Do you think there is a chance for us to make it work or am I just wasting my time and having wishful thinking that we could be better than what we were before.

 

Please any advice good or bad is much appreciated.

 

Thank you

 

Mr. Dazed

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like she's looking for help raising the kids, not a spouse and a family. There are lots of nanny's etc that can give her that help...

 

What is the economic situation here? Does she want you to support her or are you both working?

 

I wouldn't put the kids through another breakup and disrupt their lives without a lot of MC.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
The baby is now 4yrs old and my wife wants to get back together and try to make our marriage work. I guess she realized that the other guy wasn't going to ever leave his wife and she got tired of waiting for him.

 

So now she wants me to move back in and be a family and work on our marriage which I'm willing to do. I'm just afraid of what problems will come up if we do try again. I still have heartache for what she did, there is no trust and we don't really have any love between us but I'm willing to work on it and to see if we can rekindle the fire. My wife mentioned that she wants to get back together for the kids and needs help with them and knows that God wants families to stay together.

 

No where do I see you say, despite all that's happened, that she loves you and you her.

 

If you want to help co-parent your kids (including the 4-yr old), you can effectively do that from the emotional safety of your own place and separate life. And given the previous drama and chaos you describe, seems that would be the safest approach for everyone...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater
I guess she realized that the other guy wasn't going to ever leave his wife and she got tired of waiting for him.

 

 

Exactly, which makes you Plan B. Or hell, given her track record, Plan D or E.

 

 

Have some self respect. You deserve a helluva lot better than this.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
todreaminblue

god does want families to stay together...but with god there's justice and knowledge...adultery is a sin....its one of the reasons by the bible to dissolve a marriage.....

 

i am a family together forever advocate...its what i think will fix the world in general.....but...i dont believe in people cheating over and over again and having no consequence.......

 

you sound like a really good guy...a saint actually.....who truly deserves a loving wife....i feel for your kids...and i feel for you......you are caring kind forgiving and very accepting...a beautiful heart.....so protect that heart.....i cant tell you what to do ......or suggest even what you should do because i am torn......between wanting to say stay with your kids.....they need their dad to wanting to say....you really cant trust her.....she has not shown in any way she loves you at all......you are convenient...and thats just plain wrong......

 

i will suggest this...you say that god wants families to be together...let god answer your question if you should stay or go....pray and keep praying till you know adn have an answer on what god really wants for you.....do you go to church...if you do see your bishop or pastor and talk to him....talk to people who know you well and who you trust....dont allow yourself to go back to a woman who will walk out on you first chance she gets she has not shown you any loyalty.........please.....seek advice from god and those you know and trust who have your best interests,your family's welfare and your heart firmly within their advice.........best wishes....deb

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow..no way in hell. In only took her 4 yrs? Heck maybe if she took 6 months, or busted it up right after she got caught, but 4 yrs? You're the obvious back up plan...second best...numero dos. If this OM ever breaks up with his wife, your baby mama would leave you in a split second form him.Taking her back is a disaster waiting to happen.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Hello,

 

I'm new to this forum but I need some advice really bad. I've searched google for similar cases but there is nothing I could find that fits my situation.

 

Here is my story:

 

I've been married to my wife for over 14yrs and we have 2 sons and a daughter together. During our marriage she's cheated on me with 2 other men. 5 yrs ago she cheated on me again with the 3rd man and she got pregnant by him. This man is married also and his wife has no idea that my wife and him have a baby together. I stayed with my wife for about a year after the baby was born and then she left me to be on her own hoping the father would leave his wife to be with her. I've always wanted to make my marriage work and I love the baby that isn't mine and willing to be the babys father. The baby is now 4yrs old and my wife wants to get back together and try to make our marriage work. I guess she realized that the other guy wasn't going to ever leave his wife and she got tired of waiting for him.

 

So now she wants me to move back in and be a family and work on our marriage which I'm willing to do. I'm just afraid of what problems will come up if we do try again. I still have heartache for what she did, there is no trust and we don't really have any love between us but I'm willing to work on it and to see if we can rekindle the fire. My wife mentioned that she wants to get back together for the kids and needs help with them and knows that God wants families to stay together.

 

Do you think there is a chance for us to make it work or am I just wasting my time and having wishful thinking that we could be better than what we were before.

 

Please any advice good or bad is much appreciated.

 

Thank you

 

Mr. Dazed

 

Wishful thinking...

 

She's cheated multiple times.

She didn't stay by your side when she messed up - she ran to him!

Does he pay support money? He should!

 

Is your divorce final? If it's not - then get that done.

 

You have no trust and no respect from her = no marriage.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
RecentChange

You are clearly just an option, and far from her first one.

 

Do you really want the scraps the other man left?

 

Have some self respect and don't allow people to treat you like this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

remove yourself and take your children with you.

 

the fact that you were in contact with this other child means that you will be accountable in some states for paying its support. Yup, go figure, your act of staying concludes to a court that you are the parent to it, even though you did not sire it. If you really want a knife in your back...try paying child support for another mans child while she gets all the glory for being such a great single mom.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You just have wishful thinking about having a marriage and family where you and your wife love only each other, you and your wife have sex with only each other, you and your wife live together, all your children live with you, and you and your wife both enjoy raising your children together.

 

However, you actually have lots of choices and lots of options that will help you to accomplish a lot of the wishful thinking above, you don't need to give up all of it, so think it over carefully before you decide.

 

There are many ways for each of us to make our lives more meaningful, more worthwhile, more fun, more interesting, more fulfilling, etc.

 

You could get 100% divorced and live 100% separately, but still spend a lot of time together as a family in each other's home, or outside the home. You could work out great arrangements for having the kids spend different amounts of time at each home. Either one of you could marry someone else and this arrangement could still work.

 

You could all live together but have an "open marriage" agreement where each spouse can seek love and/or sex from somebody else as long as they don't bring that person into the family home.

 

You could try your "wishful thinking" arrangement and see what happens, see if true love rekindles, see if sex is fufilling, see if you have fun together as a family.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for all the great replies, I reallly appreciate everyones input. Now to answer a few questions from some of the people who responded. We are both financially secure, I'm prison guard and she's a nurse. Our relationship is very complex to say the least. When we got together I had a son from a previous relationship and also was taking care of my sisters 2 daughters. My wife took on the responsiblity of helping me take care of my son and my nieces and then we had kids of our own. She has always been a good caregiver in that sense. My wife has had a rough life, she doesn't have a good relationship with her mom or dad or siblings except for her sister. She had a terrible experience as a child with her father that she doesnt like to talk about and it involves some touching. Maybe this is the reason why she does what she does with other men. Even after all that has happened between us I still love her deeply and I've tried to date other women but it never worked out because I still have feelings for my wife and I want our family to work out.

Our current situation is really tough right now because my son who is 20 was recently arrested so his daughter who 8 months old is now living with us and I think that's partly why she wants us to be together so she can help raise the child plus my niece who is like my daughter just had a baby too. I know what you're all probably thinking... what a mess!!!... Well that's not the least bit of it.... During her time with the other guy she has a baby with, him and her got in an argument and didnt talk for a week and to try and get over him she was with another guy and she got an std which I think is herpes but she never went to the doctor she only told me that she was having problems in her private area.

I know I'm a loser with no self respect or confidence, I just feel like I want her with me so we can be husband and wife and have our family together.

What is your honest opinion on our chances of working things out? maybe shes learned her lesson with having a baby and now having an std???? Maybe she won't cheat again like she's been telling me and she says she's cut off all contact with the other guy she has a baby with. I know she doesn't love me, she's not affectionate towards me and it's hard for me to be that way with her right now because I'm still hurt by all that's happened. Please let me know what you all think, good or bad!!! I want to know what your opinions are and if you think there is a chance for us to work this all out.

Thank you all again for your replies. I'll be checking back to see what you guys think or have to say

God bless you all

Mr Dazed

Link to post
Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh
Thank you for all the great replies, I reallly appreciate everyones input. Now to answer a few questions from some of the people who responded. We are both financially secure, I'm prison guard and she's a nurse. Our relationship is very complex to say the least. When we got together I had a son from a previous relationship and also was taking care of my sisters 2 daughters. My wife took on the responsiblity of helping me take care of my son and my nieces and then we had kids of our own. She has always been a good caregiver in that sense. My wife has had a rough life, she doesn't have a good relationship with her mom or dad or siblings except for her sister. She had a terrible experience as a child with her father that she doesnt like to talk about and it involves some touching. Maybe this is the reason why she does what she does with other men. Even after all that has happened between us I still love her deeply and I've tried to date other women but it never worked out because I still have feelings for my wife and I want our family to work out.

Our current situation is really tough right now because my son who is 20 was recently arrested so his daughter who 8 months old is now living with us and I think that's partly why she wants us to be together so she can help raise the child plus my niece who is like my daughter just had a baby too. I know what you're all probably thinking... what a mess!!!... Well that's not the least bit of it.... During her time with the other guy she has a baby with, him and her got in an argument and didnt talk for a week and to try and get over him she was with another guy and she got an std which I think is herpes but she never went to the doctor she only told me that she was having problems in her private area.

I know I'm a loser with no self respect or confidence, I just feel like I want her with me so we can be husband and wife and have our family together.

What is your honest opinion on our chances of working things out? maybe shes learned her lesson with having a baby and now having an std???? Maybe she won't cheat again like she's been telling me and she says she's cut off all contact with the other guy she has a baby with. I know she doesn't love me, she's not affectionate towards me and it's hard for me to be that way with her right now because I'm still hurt by all that's happened. Please let me know what you all think, good or bad!!! I want to know what your opinions are and if you think there is a chance for us to work this all out.

Thank you all again for your replies. I'll be checking back to see what you guys think or have to say

God bless you all

Mr Dazed

 

Your kidding right? Now think about it. She cheated on you. Strike one. She thought so little of you that she never considered using protection. Strike two. She has a baby that isn't yours. Strike three. She has a venereal disease from her cheating. Strike four.

 

Reading this, honestly I don't know who needs more help, you or her. My God man there comes a time when you finally have to say enough is enough.

 

Your worried about the kids? Then be the best father you can be and stay where you are. All your going to do is dig yourself a deeper hole then your already in but for God sake man stop letting yourself be used.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020

"My wife mentioned that she wants to get back together for the kids and needs help with them and knows that God wants families to stay together."

 

Ugh. People and their religious convictions....so inconsistent and idealistically misinformed....the bible allows for divorce if there is adultery. So, there goes your god argument. I have no doubt that that is your inability to live with the reality speaking and not god.

 

Most experts (all of those that I have read about or heard from...) do not recommend staying in a dysfunctional relationship just for the kids. If there is clear dysfunction, the kids will be harmed by it. As your kids get older, if not now, they will figure out something is up. I feel for any daughters you may have. What they will learn...and any boys? Oh jeez.

 

If I were you, I'd inform this guys wife about the baby. Easy to confirm with DNA test. SHE has a right to know. You have a right to determine your own destiny, but your wife is terrible. Terrible. You are the victim here....don't let yourself continue being that victim...

Link to post
Share on other sites

You sir, deserve much, much better. Imagine that? How wonderful would that be, what would it look like? ........

 

She's taken you for a right mug. Zero respect for you, herself, the kids, your marriage. She sounds like she may need some help. Some private counseling. You can't save her. You will continue to Rip emotional shreds from you, it's not what you want your kids to grow up in. I know you may feel lonely, lacking affection, need help raising your sons baby.. but please don't fall for her garbage again. Don't undo the work you have done this far, without her. This is an unhappy, unhealthy, toxic, co dependant relationship. Nothing will change, nothing. Put your foot down.

 

You deserve much, much better.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I just feel like I want her with me so we can be husband and wife and have our family together.

 

You can be a "family" without being a couple. It's your time, money and well-being, spend it in anyway that suits you.

 

But surely you see the risks and low probability of success with your ex? If your own experiences weren't instructional, how did she treat her baby's father? After a week break, cheated on him also :eek: .

 

I'd think about everyone's potential happiness, not just your ex-wife's. Another infidelity driven messy break-up would take a toll on everyone...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you to each and everyone of you for your input and advice.

 

I had a long talk with my wife last night and she basically said that she wants us to be together for the kids sake and to help each other with the kids because she knows I need help and she needs help too. I'm guessing she's not expecting much from our relationship, seems more like a business plan than a marriage. She said we can save money, catch up on our bills and take care of the kids. Sad thing is, I want more than that but I somewhat agree with her too. If we can get our lives back together maybe we can then focus on our relationship. My biggest fear right now is her cheating again with someone else to get the emotional support and love or her going back to the other man she has a child with. I'm starting to think that maybe the other man is smarter than me and knew that she wasn't worth changing his for considering her track record and the issues she has.

 

I'm going to try this out but I'm wondering how should I approach this new relationship she wants to have? I know there is going to be some disconnect between us because there isn't any love there. Do I just treat her as a roomate? and help with the kids?

 

Any ideas on how I should handle this situation is apprecaited.

 

Thank you all again

 

Mr. Dazed (and Confused)

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm starting to think that maybe the other man is smarter than me and knew that she wasn't worth changing his for considering her track record and the issues she has.

 

 

!!!!

 

You got it!

 

And that's why she respect the other guy more. Because he isn't going to be her slave.

 

I'm going to try this out but I'm wondering how should I approach this new relationship she wants to have?

 

You just shouldn't.

 

She is/has turned you into a cuckold.

 

You allow yourself to stoop that low, and you will be destroying yourself.

 

She has no power over you. Only the power that you give her.

 

Get rid, and be a better man.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
bathtub-row

Whatever fantasy ideals you have about family and marriage, this woman is going to fly in the face of them every time. The only certain thing about her is that she will use you for as long as you let her.

 

Most likely this arrangement will turn out with you being the babysitter while she's out screwing around. Kids make it really difficult to run around and do as you please. She's looking for some sap to pay her bills and babysit for her.

 

Dude, you have zero to gain from this situation. Let her know that you're happy to have some arrangement where the two of you trade off babysitting for one another. If I were a guy and she were my ex, she'd be really lucky to even get that much out of me. What you're doing is fantasizing that there's some glory in being the doormat for her, when you're really hitching another ride to misery.

 

What I think you're going to do is ignore all the advice here and let her move in with you -- because I don't think you have yet learned your lessons with her.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Any ideas on how I should handle this situation is appreciated.

 

At the very least, separate bedrooms. Even better would be separate residences...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
The_Onceler

Any ideas on how I should handle this situation is apprecaited.

 

I can tell you that living under the same roof with a woman that you are interested in, but who is indifferent to you, is a whole new level of suck. I would counsel against this.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't imagine what happened to you in your life that allows you to put up with this.

 

You are in for a life of pain and disappointment (and likely herpes).

 

You pretend you are doing this for the kids but you will make them suffer the same fate as you when they use your farce of a relationship as a role model for "normal".

 

She won't stop cheating and when you are home watching the kids you can sit there wondering who's doing what to her tonight and what new diseases she is getting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Wow!!!

 

Thank you for not going easy on me. I appreciate the honesty and not sugar coating anything. You are all so right, I guess apart of me feels like I've failed as a parent and a husband and my self esteem is pretty low because of what she's done to me and the pain she's caused me. I've put her on a pedestal and you probably saying WHY!!!!! SHES NOT WORTHY!!!... I'm no brad pitt or vin diesel. I'm a pretty average guy, skinny and tall and I feel like I lucked out with her in how beautiful she is and I tend to look past her flaws and mistakes just to be with her.

 

As I've mentioned before I've tried dating other girls since our separation but no one has ever compared to her in the "looks" department even though they were really nice and good people. I have my priorities all messed up and I need to find a way to let that go and focus on rebuilding who I once was. She's broken me down to nothing and she does have control over me, I can't tell her nothing, she pretty much does what she wants, goes where she wants and I don't have a say in any of it...

 

I know it's going against everyone's advice but I'm going to give this a try for my own piece of mind whether it works out or not. I'm not going to waste a huge amount of time in this, I'm thinking I'm going to give it atleast 6 months to see how things are going. Right now they seem ok and she wants me to move back in with her and I've been spending a lot of time at her place and staying the night. It's as if I never left 4yrs ago, we picked up where we left off.

 

I'm going to be posting on here to update everyone how things are going and how she is treating me and what I'm doing on my end to try and make it work. Thank you again for all your replies and most of all thank you for not sugar coating anything in regards to your opinions and advice. I truly appreciate each and one of you for taking the time to read my story and give me feedback.

 

 

God Bless you all...

 

Mr. Dazed

 

Stay tuned for more......

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
GorillaTheater

I think you're making a big mistake, but you have to find your own road.

 

 

Keep posting. Even if this goes like we suspect it will, don't worry about hearing "I told you so". Most of us will be happy to help you pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

Edited by GorillaTheater
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I told you so! (thought I'd beat the rush :))

 

I know it's going against everyone's advice but I'm going to give this a try for my own piece of mind whether it works out or not. I'm not going to waste a huge amount of time in this, I'm thinking I'm going to give it atleast 6 months to see how things are going. Right now they seem ok and she wants me to move back in with her and I've been spending a lot of time at her place and staying the night. It's as if I never left 4yrs ago, we picked up where we left off.

 

I'm going to be posting on here to update everyone how things are going and how she is treating me and what I'm doing on my end to try and make it work. Thank you again for all your replies and most of all thank you for not sugar coating anything in regards to your opinions and advice. I truly appreciate each and one of you for taking the time to read my story and give me feedback.

 

You're a brave man. Best of luck to you, hope you find what you're looking for...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...