shane147 Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Ive been married for 21 years. We were married at 18, due in large part to a child. The marriage has had many ups and downs. You can probably read through my posts on here for the last several years. We have almost separated several times, no infidelity or abuse issues, just a generally distant miserable marriage. We will have a major blowup, ignore each other for a while.... Kiss and make up, then press the repeat button. It just feels like a neverending cycle and I am not and have not been happy. I tell her this and she says that happiness is all up to me and doesnt believe it can be inter related to a marriage. I have tried to convince her to go to mc, but she will not. I have a very demanding job with extensive travel and to be honest, I miss the kids while Im gone, but i do not miss the conflict with my wife. Generally speaking I will be gone for weeks at a time. We fight before I leave and then have a good day or two together when I get back, (usually sexual only), then it falls all to hell again. I just dont know how to change my feelings and want to be in the marriage. I dont believe I can just turn on a happy switch and make everything ok. Im not sure if I started this thread as a way to vent, or to just maybe start some discussion and share some experiences. Fire away with any responses. Anyone who takes the time to read my previous posts wins a prize. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Your wife is correct, your happiness is personal and independent of your marriage interpersonal relationships can enhance your happiness, but can't be the source of it. It sounds to me that your career is a major contributor to your general unhappiness, maybe a change there should be your next step and not heading towards divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Angelica21 Posted July 16, 2016 Share Posted July 16, 2016 Please watch the movie "Groundhog Day" with Bill Murray and Andi MacDowell. Take special note of the moral of the story, which is contained in Bill Murray's line near the final scene of the movie: "What can I do for you today?" and earlier "I'm happy today just because I love you." Dedicate yourself for a few months to starting or spending every day, whether you're at home or away, asking yourself "What can I do for her today" and asking her directly and sincerely "What can I do for you today?" Try to be genuine about it, but if you feel a little un-natural at first then try "fake it until you make it", meaning the attempts and possible positive results may revive your warm and loving feelings for her. Watch the movie!! Then lights, camera, action, be the hero of your own marriage!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 Yea dude, I read a few of your posts. You're on the see saw..up and down, up and down...Well, it seems that a lot of posters have given you some good specific advice, but nothing seems to work. Now, I am just going by a one sided narrative here, and i'm sure that you're not perfect. Here it is...nothing works because there are no consequences for her actions You keep coming back for more. She gets away with it every time. I don't have any specific advice..just this general one. You cannot force her to change. The only thing you can change is yourself and the way you deal with her, these arguments, and your marriage. Throw her a curveball..don't argue like you normally do...walk out and disengage and don't say another word...do that 180 stuff...try something different. Anything different from what you have done already. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 I have a very demanding job with extensive travel and to be honest, I miss the kids while Im gone, but i do not miss the conflict with my wife. Generally speaking I will be gone for weeks at a time. We fight before I leave and then have a good day or two together when I get back, (usually sexual only), then it falls all to hell again. Wouldn't almost any spouse feel resentful and somewhat abandoned under these circumstances? Marriage - and parenthood - is a partnership but you're absent much of the time. Doesn't sound like recipe for success... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 17, 2016 Share Posted July 17, 2016 I read a handful of your old posts and they describe your ongoing unhappiness. Now, perhaps I missed relevant posts, but it appears that you've talked about your communication methods, but not the actual problems. Perhaps it could be more clear cut if we could give you feedback on the recurring issues. With this in mind, I will start with two questions: If your wife was writing, what would she write as 'her side' of the story? And what are the recurring issues which can't be solved? I will finish with an anecdote based on my observation of friends (both genders) which have partners who travel extensively for work: They struggle with it. The most common complaints are lack of grown up interaction when the spouse is away and of feeling abandoned and having to do all the child rearing. If these are the complaints of your wife, she's well within her rights to feel this way. Link to post Share on other sites
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