Was I being manipulated by my soon-to-be ex-husband?

[fedup_wife]

Backstory

"Evan" grew up seeing his parents grow marijuana for a living. When his parents first married, his dad was supposed to inherit a large sum of money, but there was some sort of scam and he lost the money, so he grew pot to support his family. Evan grew up in secrecy, learning how to lie. His dad got busted at one point and got a criminal record.

 

Evan's parents, about 8 years before I met him, had bought a large piece of property with 2 other parties (3 in total), with the idea of creating a community. Evan lived on that piece of property for nearly all of his 20s. He is from the US, so he was not legally allowed to work. He overstayed in the country for years at a time, with his parents covering his rent and food, while he worked in the garden, raised livestock, and built a greenhouse. He left the US with an abandoned credit card debt and hid out on the farm. He never built his career and didn't live on his own other than when he was in college.

 

Several people tried to live on the farm with he and his parents, but nearly all of them left with burned bridges. His mother was the primary reason, although not the only reason. Some of the people who lived there that I know described her as being psychologically disturbed, controlling, or manipulative.

 

In 2012, Evan's dad died of a heart attack. Most of the people that had tried to live on the farm with he and his parents were now gone, so only Evan and his mother were left. They were at risk of losing the farm, due to finances and he and his mom were desperate to hold onto it.

 

So, in late 2013, Evan and one of the other co-owners of the farm, "Lisa" went to the US in order to grow marijuana, with the hope of making a large sum of money to save the farm. Lisa owns another piece of property back in the US and had been growing pot for years, which was how she was able to afford to buy into the piece of land in this country. The two of them, along with 2 others started an operation to make a concentrated form of drug that involved using highly flammable material. Evan accidentally started a fire. He returned to the building to rescue as much as he could and avoided being caught by fire and police. Because the operation was taking place on Lisa's property, she got busted. A long court case ensued and she did not reveal Evan's name to the authorities. Meanwhile, he hid on the land, worried he might go to jail.

 

June, 2014

I was single and met Evan. We fell in love quickly. I was 36, he was 30. We had both been looking for our lifelong partner and had just about everything in common. Same lifestyle, same dreams, shared interests and talents. We spent all of our time together and liked each other very much.

 

I moved onto the farm with them and rented out my house (just down the road).

 

We talked about getting married so that I could sponsor him into the country and he could study and earn a living.

 

 

September, 2014

I had a work trip planned and went away for a few days. While gone, I talked to my 3 aunts, who sternly cautioned me to make sure he wasn't using me to get into the country. I went onto his Facebook and email and read all of his messages with his former girlfriends to make sure he hadn't tried to use them. I saw that all the sweet things he said to me, he'd said to them, including "I've never felt this way about anyone before". The thing is, they were foreigners, so they wouldn't have been able to get him into the country.

 

I returned from my trip saying I wanted to postpone the wedding. Something didn't sit right with me. He said he felt embarrassed because his brother was coming all the way up (4 hour drive) and he didn't want to cancel it.

 

 

October, 2014

I took a huge risk and married him after 4 months. There seemed like no other way to try out a relationship together, so I jumped in with both feet, thinking I'd met my life partner who I would start a family with. We had a basic Justice of the Peace wedding.

 

I simultaneously felt really unresolved about it, but repressed my feelings and instead felt beautiful, loved and ready to start my life with this man I loved so much. I built up a fairytale in my head.

 

Soon, the dynamic with his mother became unbearable. She walked into his bedroom without knocking on a regular basis. She walked in on us being intimate. Because they had an arrangement that she paid his food and shelter, 3-4 times/day she knocked on his door to give him instructions on what to do. She nagged, complained about him often and was critical of him. I, of course, came to his defense and felt protective of him. She asked me to help her nag him. She said, "Anyone would be frustrated with him" and complained about how he didn't follow through, didn't do the important chores/tasks, and left messes everywhere. She then bossed me around. She told me how to do dishes, how to vacuum. She repeatedly told me about how hard life was for her and as soon as I helped her, she showed little appreciation and complained about something else.

 

She regularly invited wealthy, often influential people over to try and get them to buy into the land and save the farm. I was supposed to serve them.

 

A woman who was staying there temporarily, in order to work in the garden with Evan, complained about how irresponsible Evan was. She said, "I have 3 choices when he doesn't do what he says he's going to do. I can do it myself, leave it go undone, or nag him".

 

At first, with me, he was very thoughtful, attentive, and big-hearted. He and I made plans and dreams together to build our home, build community, and have a family.

 

After having enough of his mother, I told him I wouldn't live there anymore. I wanted to go back to my house. He said, "This is my home" and didn't want to leave. He suggested a "compromise". We would move into a small 400 sq ft suite, a few hundred feet from the main house. It had no running water. He said, "I was going to put in running water in there anyway". Our very clear agreement was that he would install the water line and I would pay the rent to his mother so that he could free up his time to study. He did a bunch of chores for her in trade for food and shelter, so I naively (very, very naively) thought that if I paid for his rent and food, she would leave us alone, stop interfering, and stop complaining that "he's such a burden" - her words.

 

 

November, 2014

We moved into the suite.

 

He started to attend school (distance learning) to get his licence in Osteopathy. It had been his dream to do this for ten years, but he put it off to be on the farm. I wanted to help him reach his full potential so he could start his career and provide for us.

 

His mother, however, still asked him to do a very long list of chores. He spent his time either doing her bidding, napping, studying, or goofing around (going swimming, rock climbing). He wasn't digging the water line as he promised. I panicked and started to remind him regularly to dig the waterline. He'd do a couple hours, then go have a nap. Then days would go by. In the meantime, I was working full time to support us and hauling water on a daily basis from the main house. In order to make sure we had water, I started to help dig before the frost came. In order to do this, I had to take time off of work. (I worked from home online). We ended up getting a lot of the line in, but covered the rest in straw to insulate it because the ground had already frozen.

 

For a variety of reasons (including a very bad internet signal when I was promised good internet) - I lost my job. Part of me was sick of my job anyway and I was being very underpaid, so I was finding it difficult to stay motivated in that job anyway, but would otherwise have been able to just drudge through it while I looked for other work. The need to dig the waterline, along with his mother's repeated emotional upset and interruptions, along with spotty internet made it very hard to work consistently and it was too much for me. I performed so poorly at work that I was fired). Now we had no income.

 

Meanwhile, he procrastinated putting together his sponsorship application. He would go days without doing what needed to be done in order to move the paperwork ahead. Stupidly, I kept intervening and reminding him to get moving because I didn't want to spend forever supporting us financially and the longer he waited, the longer he couldn't work.

 

When we ran into people he knew, he rarely introduced me, let alone introduce me as his wife. They would ask, "How is your mother?" and they'd have a conversation about the farm and his mom.

 

December, 2014

His mother knocked on our suite door at least once/day and began to phone us multiple times per day and email Evan regularly either to update him on goings on with all her new land-partner interests, her list of chores, or her emotional upsets with other people. I put my foot down and got very angry with him several times, telling him he had to set boundaries with her!! He told her she was no longer allowed to come up to our suite. That we needed privacy to build our own relationship.

 

She was so upset, she started to gossip about me to neighbours, friends, and family, telling them I had a personality disorder, was "mean" and "abusive" to her (because I avoided her), etc..

 

Her gossip, her demands on his time, coupled with her repeatedly coming into our private suite (sometimes while I was working or naked), along with his irresponsibility and laziness was too much for me.

 

I told him I was moving back into my house. At first, he said he didn't want to leave. I said I was going back home.

 

He told his mother we were leaving to live in my house. The **** hit the fan. Her very first, initial reaction was to say, "But your marriage isn't valid, why do you want to live with her?". Then she said, "I should have sent you to jail" in reference to him starting the fire with the pot growing thing.

 

She often put me down in front of him and he said nothing. (Things like, "Why are you asking for her opinion?"). She invited his former romantic interest to live at the farm with us and he said nothing in my defense. At social events, she would sit by him and leave me sitting on my own. He would hold the door open for her and not me.

 

After these kinds of incidents, I would get really upset and ask him to respect me and stand up for me, and I would go and sleep by myself. He'd always stay very calm and reassure me afterwards that he loved me. [backstory: his former girlfriend, who also lived with them, told him his mother was psychologically disturbed. The girlfriend was painted as "rude" and "manipulative". So, at first I avoided making any statements about his mother.]

 

After a while, I didn't care what they thought of me, I began to speak my own truth. I pointed out how I thought she was narcissistic. At first, he'd defend her, but then started to say that his mother was "challenging".

 

I left to go live with a friend and stopped talking to his mother to get away from it all. I couldn't go home yet because I had to give my tenant 2 months notice. I told him I didn't want him to come live with me at my house, I wanted to go alone. After a conversation he had with a close family friend - one of his mother's dearest friends - who suggested to him to tell me to try and work things out with his mom, making it seem as though I was being hurtful towards her, I broke up with him and he went to sleep in the main house.

 

I wrote him a letter saying that I couldn't stand the idea of being the bad guy and would prefer to withdraw than to be told I was hurtful for trying to get away from his mother. Again, we reconciled.

 

He PROMISED me that if I let him live at my house with me, he would make sure to get enough firewood for us for the following winter.

 

Then, we found out I was pregnant. Big surprise and not planned. He asked me if I would stay with him and said he couldn't bare the idea of being kept from his child if I broke up with him. He asked if the reason I was staying was because I was pregnant and I told him that I never wanted to leave *him*, I was trying to set boundaries and send a clear "NO", that I wouldn't be treated that way. I said I could never keep him from his child, I'm not like that.

 

When we told his mom, she went off and cried by herself. She said very coldly to me, "I'm sure you're glad you didn't leave Evan”.

 

 

January, 2015

We moved into my house. I was quite nauseous and did as much of the moving of small stuff as I could.

 

At 9 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I was devastated. His mother said she was relieved (apparently because of our finances). I felt hurt by that and kept my distance from her.

 

The day after I miscarried, I interviewed for a job. I was in a lot of physical pain, but I knew we were desperate for money, so I went.

 

I continued to get upset with him, asking him to stop going over to her house to help her with her unending list of requests (firewood, cleaning, paperwork, whatever because *I* needed him at home and he wasn’t helping out around the house while I worked.

 

 

February, 2015

I got the job and started working as an office manager for a community centre. Evan studied and then spent the rest of his day doing self-care, taking baths, napping, making food, and playing on the computer. I'd come home to a messy house. He put very little energy into properly moving in and our home was NEVER tidy. I regularly had meltdowns telling him how important a tidy home is for me. He'd say, "I'm learning". I was beyond tired and beyond fed up.

 

We went through a rollercoaster ride of him being irresponsible, his mother complaining to him and others about how mean and abusive I was, him procrastinating his sponsorship application, me picking up the slack, me desperately trying to write lists of chores that he would actually *do*, me working, us being dirt, dirt, dirt poor and me reaching the end of my rope and having big, crying meltdowns.

 

Rinse, repeat. We kept "pulling through". I kept trying to make it work, kept begging for what I needed, he kept letting me down, and I kept getting upset. I felt trapped, confused, tired and desperate (how could the love of my life do this to me!!!).

 

 

August, 2015

Fast forward. His sponsorship application got sent (in June, 2015). I was totally burned out by that point and hadn't had energy to go out dancing and have fun. I was frustrated that Evan goofed around so much before taking care of responsibilities, that I didn't want to go out dancing with such a messy house and no money to spend over and above basic needs. We literally spent no more than $60/month on food and I brought home food from the food bank to get us by. Evan made trades with people to bring in more food and resources for us. He had built up the garden with lots of our own food, so we had that.

 

Despite his promise to me that he would get us enough firewood, he regularly procrastinated and went swimming instead. He said that chainsawing was dangerous and said he couldn't find a buddy to go with, so he kept putting it off.

 

He traded work with our neighbours who hold a music festival every year on their land. This was it - this was going to be our weekend together to have some fun after so much hardship. We had a great time together the first day of the festival. Then, that evening, we made plans to go dancing late at one of the festival venues. I knew I'd be tired, so I said I would go home and sleep first. He said he would stay at the festival. Then, he changed his mind and said he would come home with me and sleep and we'd return together a few hours later to dance.

 

On our way out, we ran into his first love, Karen. She was visiting from out of town and he hadn't seen her in a few years. After a 5-10 minute conversation with her, he turned to me and said, "Actually, I'm excited to see Karen and I'm going to stay and hang out with her. You go home and sleep and I'll meet up with you later".

 

Something inside me snapped and I felt unbelievably betrayed and hurt and disrespected. I left silently and kept my feelings to myself at first. I tend to have delayed reactions. I started to walk home to the car with our dog, so I could go home. As I was walking, my anger grew and grew. I decided, halfway to the car to pack up my stuff and go home and not return to the festival. On my way back to our stuff, my dog saw him and Karen walking and instead started to follow him. Evan and Karen were confused as to why the dog suddenly ended up with them, so they started to make their way to our house to bring her home.

 

I drove home and hid in the wood shed in order to avoid them because I was seethingly angry and knew I was about to burst.

 

Evan knew I was upset and after some hesitation, he sent Karen back to the festival. I slipped into the house, hoping he'd go away and not talk to me (because I was about to scream at him and I knew I needed time to calm down). He came and found me and I told him I did NOT want to talk. He kept insisting on talking. Finally, I exploded. I screamed at him for ditching me when he'd made plans to be with ME! I am his wife, etc.. His reasoning was that he and I had only made plans 5 minutes before we ran into Karen, so he was allowed to change his mind. He said, "I shouldn't have to ask you how you feel to hang out with an old friend". My response was, "Then I shouldn't be your wife!!!" and I told him to get out!

 

He stayed at the festival for 5 days. I returned to bring him food and blankets when it started to rain. He later told me that he thought I was mentally unstable and didn't want to be with someone who would leave him out in the rain. I told him I brought him wool sweaters, wool blankets and food and then told him if he wanted to sleep on the couch he could, but he didn't hear me over the music and thought I just left him there in the rain.

 

5 days later, I phoned him and we talked. He said I needed help and I contacted mental health to take a therapy course to help me deal with my emotions (because of so many strong emotional upsets and this big blowout).

 

(Months later, I found out that while he was there, a woman on the dance floor started to rub his back and he engaged with her and rubbed her too. He went back to her tent. He tells me he needed "human contact" and that they didn't do anything other than rub each other's backs and he spent the whole time talking about me. She had thought he wanted to go further with her. She told him she felt trapped and uncomfortable about him talking so much about me and she just wanted to go and dance. She fell asleep because she was drunk, apparently. Then got up and went dancing again).

 

 

September, 2015

His temporary work permit arrived. He was now, finally able to work. I had been waiting for this moment, hoping that things would change when he finally was able to work. I am in marketing and web design and run my own business, so I spent over a month building his professional website, marketing him, prompting him on how to register his business, etc, and got him all set up. I came up with a marketing special that launched his business.

 

His first day at work, after earning $200 for one of the first times in his life (again, he hadn't worked much at all in his life), he immediately made plans - without talking to me - to go out to a concert with a friend. He took MY credit card and put the ticket on there WITHOUT ASKING ME and put the balance over the limit. (We had put all of his sponsorship fees on my card and it had a high balance with us being so poor with only one low income).

 

I was beyond livid. He kept saying, "I didn't know it was over the limit" and I said it wasn't the POINT! He used MY credit card!!!!! After everything I'd done for him. He was supposed to start giving back!! Not going out to a concert. He said I was no fun and he needed play time.

 

I drove him to his mother's, completely distraught. I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore. We thought I might be pregnant again and as I was dropping him off, he said he hoped I wasn't pregnant. I screamed at him saying, "How dare you! HOW DARE YOU!!!!" and I threw my wedding ring away. I sat in the grass and sobbed, feeling like my whole world was falling apart with this hopeless man. He came and comforted me and again, we reconciled.

 

I told him I didn't feel comfortable sponsoring him because I didn't trust him financially. He said I was blackmailing him.

 

He picked berries and left them sitting in the entryway for TEN DAYS. We had thousands of fruit flies for weeks. He dropped something made of glass and left the broken glass on the floor for days and days.

 

Then, on one of his subsequent work days, he slept in (despite me telling him to set an alarm) and again, I'd had it. As he walked out the door, I said, "We're done". That day, he ran into a 19 year-old and shared a long, sensual hug with her for "comfort". When he came home, he pouted and said, "Are you really breaking up with me?". I told him how fed up I was and again, he reassured me, blah blah.

 

As we were building his business, every time there was an expense, he would say something along the lines of, “Just this one more expense and then I promise, as soon as I start to earn money, I’ll pay it back”. Then, when he would earn money, he would buy expensive foods and buy himself merino wool clothing. When he was at work in town, he would buy himself pricey meats instead of making a lunch. I began to make him lunches and whenever I would go to his office in town, I would find he had bought himself expensive food.

 

 

October - December, 2015

He reactivated his online dating profile and browsed at women. Then, he started to feel attractions to other women that we were friends with and began to look at their photos on Facebook.

 

On December 4th - the same day we conceived our first baby the year before, the one I miscarried - he went to that 19 year-old's house to get a massage. They had shared some long, sensual hugs, so she got the idea he was interested and was interested back. After the massage, she began to caress his arm, saying "I could explore your body endlessly". He said he wanted to also. They caressed each other and shared a long hug and then he said he had to come home to me. Long story short, he lied to me about it when he came home.

 

As it was happening, my spidey senses were going off and I just KNEW he was with another woman. I read Tarot and the cards told me I was right. The first thing I said to him when he got home was, "Did you cheat on me?". He glossed over the details and all he said was he felt a sense of attraction come up. The truth only came out later when I talked to her and she said something different.

 

 

January, 2016

We nearly broke up. He went away for school for a couple weeks and when he got back, we stayed together. I'm tired of writing all this out, but basically we sought counseling and our relationship started to improve. Fewer irresponsible moments, fewer emotional upsets. I began to feel blissfully happy with him. We had dips, particularly when I would remember the hurt of him cheating on me, but as we worked with the counsillor, I started to feel very happy.

 

He started to earn more money and be more consistent. I thought we were finally making it through.

 

 

April, 2016

He spent time trading bodywork with Wendy, another Osteopath in training. One night, he sent me a Facebook message saying he was going to stay over at her house. That morning, I had pointed out to him that we had no food in the house. He was tasked with grocery shopping for us. He didn't contact me again until 11:45pm. I ate no dinner. More anger, more upset.

 

We had made an agreement that he wouldn't trade bodywork with a woman in her home after being unfaithful. I later found out that he did just that. She gave him a session in her home, alone.

 

Worked more with the counsilor. We started to feel happier...

 

 

June, 2016

We started trying to conceive.

 

 

July, 2016 (now)

He regularly spent time with Wendy, studying.

 

This past Thursday (a few days ago), I went to town with him to get insurance for our car. I also ran around town getting drapes and a curtain rod to fancy up his office and make it look professional. Turns out, he didn't schedule any time during his work breaks to come to the insurance place with me. He, instead, scheduled 3 hours with Wendy and ditched me, telling me about 30 seconds beforehand. He hadn't told me the night before or at all, really, until 30 seconds before going to spend with her.

 

I ran into them and when he said they were going to the coffee shop, I said ok and I went upstairs to his office to put away all the drapes. I came back a few hours later, took the drapes and returned them to the store. He wanted to talk and we went into the bathroom and I yelled at him, saying I'M FED UP!!!!!!!!!

 

I yelled "GOODBYE" at him and walked away. I drove our car home, he slept at his office and that's IT, we're DONE!!!!!

 

 

I looked through his accounting software and he has not been depositing all of the money he's been earning into our joint account. He's been telling me, for several weeks, the amounts he was earning and depositing. And now that I look more carefully, there are gaps and he's been pocketing the cash, instead of depositing it for our shared bills.

 

 

Ok, so I originally came on here to ask, "Am I overreacting, did I make the right choice?" and after typing all of this out, I don't need the answer anymore. I can't believe I agreed to go through all of that. I have never pieced it all together in one place before. OMG!!

Edited July 13, 2016 by fedup_wife

[Mr. Lucky]

I was pretty proud of myself regarding how much I'd read until I realized I was only a fourth of the way through. Wow!

 

tl;dr - you married someone in October you'd met in June and things predictably went South from there. fedup_wife, I'm afraid only yourself to blame. As my Dad used to say - "cut once but measure twice"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MJJean]

You married a criminal you hardly knew who was basically raised in a failed cult situation by a mentally ill mother. This couldn't have ended well. Get the divorce and block him from being able to contact you.

[Nothingisperfect]

Read your own story again. When the bad times outweight the good by a mile of a difference... it is time to GTFO! Wow! How did you ever put up with all that! ?! Would you ever treat yourself the way he treats you??!! I think you would be much happier by yourself than with a manipulative SOB! Goodluck in your future endeavors.