Marriage ruined by guilt

[Kymmi]

Hi guys,

 

 

I was just wondering if anyone out there has cheated on their spouse, and due to guilt, was never able to come back home. I started a thread back in Dec/Jan about my husband cheating on me 23 days before our wedding.

We have 4 kids, and were together for 17 years. Finally decided to get married. He went off in the middle of the night and spent an hour with a prostitute. I knew the next day that something was off, but he wouldn't tell me. We got married. It was an amazing day. We started looking to buy a house. Just over a month after our wedding, I found out exactly what he did and that it was a prostitute. I was completely destroyed.

 

 

I ended it right than and there. He left the house, and I didn't really talk to him since. Well the past few weeks, he started messaging me telling me how much he misses me and how sorry he is. He's always done this, but I didn't care and would quickly delete. But now, for some reason, I am reading the messages and responding. I invited him over a few times. I would instantly start fight with him, still in disbelief that he could do something like this. And than kick him back out.

 

 

As stupid as this sounds, I do want my family back. I want him back so we can build this family back. 18 years is a long time. Even though he cries that he misses me, and begs for me to take him back, when the offer is on the table for him to come home, he says he can't, as much as he wants to. He said he can never face my family again. He is scum. He is ashamed, and that I deserve so much better, but at the same time, he doesn't want to let me go.

 

 

I know everyone handles things differently, but I was just hoping to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation as him. Having the guilt take over from coming home.

[Mr. Lucky]

Even though he cries that he misses me, and begs for me to take him back, when the offer is on the table for him to come home, he says he can't, as much as he wants to. He said he can never face my family again. He is scum. He is ashamed, and that I deserve so much better, but at the same time, he doesn't want to let me go.

 

Sorry Kymmi but there's "sorry" and there's "sorry I got caught" and they're pretty easy to tell apart.

 

Someone who's truly sorry is willing to do the hard work necessary to demonstrate their remorse. They make the reconciliation about you and your needs moving forward.

 

Someone just sorry they got caught continues to present himself as the victim of their own destructive choices. They make the attempted repair all about them.

 

I'll leave it to you to decide which fits him best...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Angelica21]

Kymmi,

 

I'm not a psychologist, but I play one on Internet forums. ha ha

 

So interesting that you appeared to have a happy long-term relationship with four children, until you decided to get officially married and then he goes wacky with a prostitute.

 

It seems like there was some weird psychological thing going on there about commitment, permanency, etc. that created his mistake.

 

When someone makes a mistake, one way to describe it is "oh, that was really out of character" or a second way to describe it as "oh, that really reveals his character."

 

Sometimes, when a person's mistake was a one-time-only mistake, it's not their true character, it really is just a mistake. It really shakes them up because they can't believe that they made such a big mistake, and they have a hard time with the guilt, the self-criticism and the criticism from others.

 

So, his inconsistency about "I miss you and still want you, but I can't face the judgment of others" can be a true but unfortunate reaction to extreme guilt. For you and the people around you, it seems that it would be easy for him to just think and feel that "It's going to be hard, but I'll come back and make up for my mistake." But inside his mind, he maybe feels more messed up than seems logical to the rest of us.

 

I always believe that it's worth the effort to try with marriage counseling, individual counseling, etc. to restore a marriage to a full and complete happy marriage. So I'd advise that you try as best you can from your side to get back together.

 

If it turns out that your husband's mistake was actually a revelation to himself and to you abut his true character, and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more, then there will be plenty of time to follow through with a divorce after that.

 

In my opinion, it's worth trying to save the marriage and the nuclear family if possible.

Edited July 9, 2016 by Angelica21

[mmmike]

Hi guys,

 

 

I was just wondering if anyone out there has cheated on their spouse, and due to guilt, was never able to come back home. I started a thread back in Dec/Jan about my husband cheating on me 23 days before our wedding.

We have 4 kids, and were together for 17 years. Finally decided to get married. He went off in the middle of the night and spent an hour with a prostitute. I knew the next day that something was off, but he wouldn't tell me. We got married. It was an amazing day. We started looking to buy a house. Just over a month after our wedding, I found out exactly what he did and that it was a prostitute. I was completely destroyed.

 

 

I ended it right than and there. He left the house, and I didn't really talk to him since. Well the past few weeks, he started messaging me telling me how much he misses me and how sorry he is. He's always done this, but I didn't care and would quickly delete. But now, for some reason, I am reading the messages and responding. I invited him over a few times. I would instantly start fight with him, still in disbelief that he could do something like this. And than kick him back out.

 

 

As stupid as this sounds, I do want my family back. I want him back so we can build this family back. 18 years is a long time. Even though he cries that he misses me, and begs for me to take him back, when the offer is on the table for him to come home, he says he can't, as much as he wants to. He said he can never face my family again. He is scum. He is ashamed, and that I deserve so much better, but at the same time, he doesn't want to let me go.

 

 

I know everyone handles things differently, but I was just hoping to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation as him. Having the guilt take over from coming home.

 

I'm a man. We can screw up. Sometimes we think with our penises instead of our heads. That doesn't mean we don't love our wives. There is a huge difference between sex and love to a man. If he screwed up one time in nearly twenty years, imo that deserves forgiveness. From David Beckham to Justin Bieber sometimes men make a mistake and cheat. You really need to put in perspective the difference between sex and love. Good luck. I hope you can forgive and build up trust again. A lasting affair behind your back where he loves someone else is one thing, but a quick fling with a hooker is not the end of the world. He got it out of his system. I hope you forgive. Feel better.

Edited July 10, 2016 by mmmike

[Kymmi]

Thanks guys for your advice! This, unfortunately, was not the first time. First time for a prostitute, but not the first time cheating. Back in 2009, on our 10 year anniversary, and when I was pregnant with our 3rd child, he went on a dating site and found someone. I was tired, sick, and wasn't giving him the attention he needed, so he found it elsewhere.

 

 

Trust has been a huge issue, and this was crossing the line. I guess I was just a bit confused, because my first thought when someone cheats is that

they are not truly in love with the person. Everyone looks. Everyone fantasizes, but not everyone crosses the line. He did come running back a few months later, and swore up and down that he would never do it again.

Well here we are. This time, for me, is a lot worse. Even though he says every day that he loves me and wants to come home, he is having a hard time facing my family. He knows that he is no longer accepted at my family's house, birthday party, get togethers. He says he can't live with the guilt that he has caused everyone. Over the 18 years, he has grown very close to my family. They have become his family. So he is currently choosing to stay away. He did offer to come and spend the week with me, at our home, and see how it goes. I tend to start arguing with him when he's around. Im still filled with a lot of anger.

[Mr. Lucky]

Trust has been a huge issue, and this was crossing the line. I guess I was just a bit confused, because my first thought when someone cheats is that they are not truly in love with the person. Everyone looks. Everyone fantasizes, but not everyone crosses the line.

 

There are people that "love" (whatever that means) but simply aren't able to stay faithful. Poor impulse control, excessive need for validation, failure to understand cause and effect, extreme neediness, narcissistic - there are many reasons why.

 

Your husband may very well love you. But he will most likely cheat on you again. You'll have to decide which side of that equation is most important and act accordingly.

 

Keep posting, hopefully this is one place you'll find nonjudgmental support...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Angelica21]

Kymmi:

 

Your thoughts and feelings are understandably diverse: anger, missing him, not trusting him, wanting your family intact again, etc.

 

You do have time to think and feel slowly, there's no need to push yourself to decide what your personal "final answer" is. You're living apart now, and you can continue to live apart even as both of you decide if the marriage is fixable.

 

I suggest individual counseling for yourself for sure. Also, individual counseling for him if he will do it. Then, marriage counseling for the two of you together.

 

Your anger is a totally normal and appropriate response to this situation, it's not mis-placed anger. So talk that over with your therapist about suggested ways to handle the situation.

[Pennypa]

I personally have let guilt destroy a relationship for me. I did it because I couldn't believe I was capable of doing something that awful and hurting someone I loved so much... though I would never, I was afraid of making a careless mistake again and I couldn't bare that thought.

Cheating is never right.. But 18 years is a long time.. And if it took him doing this to really realize how much he loves you, it is what it is. His actions mean nothing in reflection to you and if you really love him and want your family back together I would tell him that. He needs to know that you're aware of what he did to you and your relationship and you still believe he is the man you know and love inside and you refuse to give up on him.

People make mistakes. Some bigger than others but what matters the most is how we deal with our mistakes and the effort we put in to make up for them.

 

I'm praying for you both. You sound like a lovely couple and I really think you can work through this.

 

Take care

[MJJean]

Hi guys,

 

Even though he cries that he misses me, and begs for me to take him back, when the offer is on the table for him to come home, he says he can't, as much as he wants to. He said he can never face my family again. He is scum. He is ashamed, and that I deserve so much better, but at the same time, he doesn't want to let me go.

 

This is called manipulation.

 

He's not ashamed of what he did, more than once. He's ashamed he got caught.

 

He's cheated with one random woman and one hooker that you know about. He's a serial cheater.

 

As a former WW, myself, I think something a lot of BS may not consider is that cheating doesn't "just happen". It is a series of conscious choices. Your H deliberately sought out two different women, arranged to meet them, went to the meeting, and went through all the steps necessary to have sex. Is that something you could forgive and live with for the rest of your life?

[PegNosePete]

He cheated on you in 2009.

He cheated on you 23 days before your wedding.

He probably cheated on you more times that you don't even know about.

 

Do you really think he won't cheat again?

 

Come on Kymmi, have some self respect. Get rid of this lying, cheating loser from your life. If you don't, then you might not be here again for a month, 6 months, a year, 5 years... but you will be here again with exactly the same story.

 

Do yourself a favour and don't waste any more of your life on this serial cheater. Life is too short.

[stillafool]

It is best not to tell your parents and relatives about your marital problems and what is going on in your house. They will immediately take a negative view of your spouse and may never forgive him even after you've decided to reconcile. You man has cheated twice and probably will again.

[Kymmi]

The only reason why my parents found out is because my 15 year old son found out what my husband did. For some reason, my husband saved all the conversations he had with the hooker, as well as some chick he was talking to for a year via email. Otherwise, I would have never brought my parents in this, as they do not need any added stress.

 

 

It's funny sitting back and reading everyone's responses, including my original post. I shake my head and wonder what the hell am I doing even considering taking him back. This was not the first time, and like you guys said, probably wont be the last time. I can see myself right back here again in a matter of time with the same issue.

 

 

What's weird is, other than loving him, I am trying to hang on to him to prevent him from moving on with someone else. I don't know why, but I don't want him to find a girlfriend. The thought really does bother me. But than I think about it more and realize that even being with him isn't stopping him from being with other girls.

 

 

I guess I'm having a hard time letting go of something that I've had since I was 17. He's all I've ever known. I just started to try out the dating thing. I'm having no problem meeting people, but I'm just not ready. I look at everyone as if they are going to cheat on me. As if everything they are saying to me is a lie. And I'm finding myself comparing everything to my husband.

 

 

I think I am just going to take this time to fix myself. I have told him to leave me alone. To give me time to get over this. The messages back and forth every day messes me up. I will get 3 steps ahead with my healing process, but then I fall 5 steps back. And it makes it very hard having children with him because I will never fully be able to cut the ties.

 

 

We are legally separated now. In another couple of months, I can file for divorce. For now, I will just keep distant and see what happens. Thank you to everyone who has taken time out of their busy day to give advice. It really does help hearing from you guys!

[Cherryz]

Maybe he is ashamed. Maybe he also feel like he is not ready to leave the cheating life.

 

Dont know him or you. But maybe he got problems with stress or something and

his way of escape it is by cheating? Going to someone else.

Looking at the list of moments that you know he cheated.

 

Eitherway it sound like he was a cheater before marriage?

Or had redflags. but still you married him?

 

What ever it is you need to get therapy. And start go with him.

Talk to him about it. And see true therapy if you guys can see whats going on and

what ever the outcome is how to go further.

 

And only him can free himself. Which include coming clean about his ways and apologize, will help him from the guilt and a big step to the rigth direction.

[Cherryz]

Ps: And stop including your parents in this. You are a grown women with kids who made a grown up decision to marry.

You can get support from them. But dont make this a family matter.

Focus on your kids and the next step with your husband, it should be your choice what you gonna do.

[mizunomead]

Just a FYI, the marriage was not ruined by guilt. It was ruined by infidelity.

I would be very, very cautious about letting him back into your life as it seems to be a pattern. At the least he needs alot of self reflection, and therapy i would guess before it should really be considered. And even then, the ability to trust long term?

[Lois_Griffin]

Thanks guys for your advice! This, unfortunately, was not the first time. First time for a prostitute, but not the first time cheating. Back in 2009, on our 10 year anniversary, and when I was pregnant with our 3rd child, he went on a dating site and found someone. I was tired, sick, and wasn't giving him the attention he needed, so he found it elsewhere.

I wouldn't give this cretin the time of day.

 

Any man who cheats on his pregnant wife is lower than a worm. Game OVER.

[Lois_Griffin]

Just a FYI, the marriage was not ruined by guilt. It was ruined by infidelity.

I would be very, very cautious about letting him back into your life as it seems to be a pattern.

Seriously.

 

I think a mistake a lot of betrayed spouses make is thinking that they managed to catch their spouse cheating on them the 'one' time they did it (or two times in your case).

 

Seriously, what are the odds that you caught him the only two times he stepped out? Not likely.

 

Sadly, for every rat you DO see, there are 50 you don't.

[Angelica21]

Kymmi, you said you're currently separated and you're planning to proceed with the divorce. I think that's a good idea.

 

Please don't date anybody during the separation and during the divorce process.

 

Not only is it just not "right" (whatever that means) it will mess with your head and distract you from making the best decisions for yourself and your children regarding the divorce decree (MSA Marriage Settlement Agreement) and the Joint Parenting Agreement (JPA).

 

You need a clear head and a good attorney to do the divorce process properly.

 

I wouldn't advise dating anyone for several months after the divorce is final, also. You have no idea how long it takes to recover from the ending of an 18-year relationship/marriage. It will take longer than you think it will to recover emotionally.